20. Jordan #2
“A park!” I exclaim. I quickly correct, lowering my voice considerably. “What kind of park?”
“The kind where guys go to cruise, dipshit.”
I sit back in my seat as I digest that, though I make sure to keep my hand firmly on his shoulder so he doesn’t notice how much I’m struggling to process the information.
Orion cruising. My Orion cruising. My Orion going to a dark, deserted park in the middle of the night without me—
“Mm…” I bob my head supportively. “Sounds like fun.”
He dips his chin and runs his fingers through his hair, something he usually does when he’s uncomfortable. “It is what it is.”
“Do you, like…” I’m speaking a little faster than I’m thinking, and I feel like the conversation has gotten a little ahead of itself, so I think it might be best if I slow things down a notch. We’ve missed several stages, and I think it’s important to get back to basics. “Kiss guys?”
Orion’s top lip flares as he gives me an incredulous side-eye. “No, bud, I don’t kiss guys I’m hooking up with. That’s not really how it works at the park.”
“I don’t mean at the park,” I explain, though honestly, I’m not sure what I do mean. “I mean, when did you have your first kiss with a guy?”
There. Nice. That’s a lovely, neutral kind of question that’s exactly the sort of thing my sisters would ask in a situation like this. Perfect.
“During senior year.”
Senior year? Senior year? That’s more than two freaking years ago, and this is the first I’m hearing of it.
How the hell am I supposed to be cool with this?
I can tell Orion is fighting a heavy eye roll at my inane line of questioning.
He knows me well enough to know I’m nowhere near done with this first-kiss business, so he tacks on, “He was my mom’s friend’s kid.
Cayden. They were staying at our house for a couple of days over spring break.
He was gay and out. We kissed once the night before he left and that was it. ”
Urgh. I think that orange wedge is repeating on me.
“How was it?” I ask supportively.
He leans against the backrest of the sofa and smiles as if he’s calling up a fond memory.
Yeah, there’s no way that orange was okay. I don’t feel good at all.
“You know those kinds of kisses where the other person doesn’t open their mouth wide enough.” I nod politely and supportively. “Well, it was like that, except every now and then, he’d open his mouth really wide and push his tongue way too far into my mouth.”
I’m not happy because Orion had a bad first kiss. It’s not that. The way he tells the story is funny, that’s all.
“Shit, man. I’m sorry. That sucks.”
“Yeah, it wasn’t the best.” He chuckles, but the sound quickly fades. When he speaks again, his tone is different. “Afterward, when I got into bed that night, I spiraled a lot.”
“How come?”
He’s still half-smiling, but his eyes are sad. It occurs to me how different his formative experiences were from mine, and how hard all this must have been for him to deal with on his own.
“Because even though it was such a bad kiss, and the guy wasn’t my type at all, it was still better than anything I’d ever done with a girl.
” He runs his hand through his hair again, not to smooth or style it, but to use his hand as a shield for his eyes.
“It was one of those times it really hit home that I was gay and there was nothing I could do to change it. I just… I’ve struggled with being okay with who I am, I guess.
It’s… I don’t know… Sometimes it feels like I’m never going to feel good about it. ”
I grab him and crush him to me, holding him so tightly that he starts struggling and spluttering a little.
“That’s because you’ve been trying to do this on your own, O, and you don’t have to.
You have me to help you with things like this.
You are going to feel good about who you are. I’ll make sure of it.”
His laugh is one born in exasperation, or at least, that’s what he wants it to sound like. In truth, he likes it when I’m extra like this. He does. He proves it by not moving away when I release him. He stays close, shifting in his seat slightly so he’s able to rest his head on my shoulder.
I love it when he does things like this. It’s so rare that it makes me feel bulletproof when it happens.
He doesn’t move for a long time, not even when I put my arm around him again. He doesn’t tense either. He softens, snuggling closer without saying a word.
I think it would probably be best for me not to say much either. I haven’t been my best lately, and some nice quiet time and a lot of supportive listening is likely the best way to go.
At the same time, it’s unusual for Orion to let his guard down like this. Super unusual. It honestly does not happen often at all, and there are a bunch of things I think we should talk about, so now might be a good time to do it.
“So, cruising, huh?”
“Ugh.” I can’t see his eye roll, but I can feel it. “I knew you weren’t going to let that go.”
“Kind of a neat concept though, right? Just, like, whatever you want, on offer. Out in the open.” I don’t know if I meant any of that as a question, but a lot of it comes out sounding like one.
“Pretty much.”
I bob my head supportively for so long that it starts feeling like I’m the person who invented the gesture.
A big part of me thinks I shouldn’t ask any more questions, but not knowing has been driving me crazy.
Crazy. Completely crazy. I haven’t been myself at all, and I’m sure if I ask, I’ll calm down.
I’ll know all the details then. There won’t be this big mystery about it, and I’ll be fine again.
Yes.
I should ask.
I should definitely ask. I’m going to feel so much better when I know everything.
“So, these guys you’re with, do you like, give each other blowies and handies, or what?”
Orion unleashes the longest sigh known to man. “You’re not going to quit until I tell you, are you?”
“I told you everything when I was doing it for the first time,” I remind him. “Seriously, O, you know I did.”
“Fine. Yes, Jordan, I’ve done all that, and if you really must know, I’ve topped a couple of guys too.”
See? I feel better already.
I do.
I mean, yeah, it feels a bit like I’m swallowing glass, but that’s only because this is all so new, and I’m not used to hearing Orion talk like this.
Also, it could be the orange. That orange was seriously fucked.
“Bottoming’s not for you, huh?”
“Uh…” He tenses against my shoulder slightly, so I rest my head against his to let him know it’s okay. I’m his friend, and he can talk to me about anything. “Yeah, I…um, actually, I do want to do it, it’s just…”
My stomach drops at the thought of some guy touching Orion like that, but my dick is majorly into anal, so it gets its wires crossed and stiffens even though the conversation has nothing to do with it.
It’s a weird combination of horny and upset that doesn’t make sense, but this isn’t about me.
I’m here to support Orion. “Just what, O?”
“Don’t laugh, okay?”
“I won’t. Swear on my life.”
He turns his head, hiding his face in my shoulder. He speaks so quietly I almost don’t hear him. “I’m scared it will hurt.”
My entire body flushes cold, then hot. Orion is afraid. He’s scared of making himself vulnerable to someone and being hurt. Rage and fury and green things blur my field of vision.
“Is that dumb?”
“No! It’s not dumb. It makes total sense. You have a low pain tolerance. Remember what happened with the crusty bread? It’s been years, and you’re still traumatized.”
Orion’s head gets heavier on my shoulder. Some of his tension has left him and things are returning to normal between us. “I know. I think about that all the time. If I can’t even eat crusty bread without being a pussy about it, how the hell am I going to handle getting fucked?”
“It’s totally rational, O. Taking a dick for the first time is a big deal.
If the guy doesn’t know what he’s doing, it can hurt a lot.
That’s the truth. You definitely shouldn’t do it with someone you don’t know.
It’s a massive risk. You should take your time and make sure you find the right guy.
There’s no rush. You can take as much time as you like.
Years if you need to. It should be someone who really knows what he’s doing in bed.
Someone with a lot of experience.” My head starts bobbing again, more determinedly, as if it’s independently in total agreement with what I’m saying.
“It should be someone who knows you well. Really well. Better than anyone. Someone who knows you inside out, and cares about you, and knows what you like and don’t like, and—”
“You’re the only person who knows me like that, Jordan, and you know it. I’m never going to be this comfortable around some guy I find on an app and—”
“Exactly. You shouldn’t do it with some guy on an app. You should do it with someone you know.”
“What?” Orion huffs a dry laugh against my shoulder, and I feel the beginning of an epic eye roll coming on. “Are you offering?”
The flush of heat from before comes to life again, blazing a trail down my body and settling heavily in my lap.
I wasn’t offering.
Was I?
I don’t think I was, but when I think about it, it’s not the worst idea.
It’s not even a bad idea.
It honestly isn’t. It’s actually a pretty good idea. No one knows Orion better than I do. No one cares about him more. I know what he likes and what he doesn’t. I know how to read him better than anyone.
I’m a great option. I know him well. I’d rather die than hurt him. And I’m not bad-looking.
Okay, fine, I’m good-looking, but not in an obvious way like Andy. Basically, I’m the right amount of good-looking for something like this. And not to blow my own trumpet, but I’m really, really good in bed. Not selfish at all.
Plus, I’m a huge fan of anal. Seriously, a huge fan.
“Sure,” I say, taking care to keep my voice even, “I’ll fuck you.”