Chapter 26
Jersey
I can't remember the last time I wanted to stomp my foot and demand things of others like a mannerless child, but today has quickly become one of those days. I paced for what seemed like hours.
I know I have no more right than the next guy on the team to demand others hurry up so I can get back to Gatlinburg, but that doesn't stop the urge to do so.
I know she's safe. I got a text from Lark the second he got her back to the cabin, but I didn't think my nerves would calm until I saw her for myself.
With a case as big as the one Nathan Adair is involved in, along with the way he got killed on the street, there seems to be more red tape and paperwork to sort through before we can leave.
My job was done hours ago, but Hemlock has been tied up with other agencies for hours. Kincaid even flew in, his trip having started at the same time as the guys who came in from Gatlinburg. I think the New Mexico president, along with Hound and Shadow, and Adair's stepdaughter’s man needed to see the dead body just to make sure the piece of shit was gone. Taking our word for it wasn't enough, and I fully understand that.
I felt the same way, unbelieving with a sort of out-of-body disconnect when my boys died. As much as I needed the closure of seeing them no longer alive, the sight of them that way is etched on my brain in the very worst way.
These men celebrate Adair's death, whereas my loss flipped my entire world upside down.
"You seem anxious," Zeus whispers on the drive back to Gatlinburg.
We’re minutes from the cabin, close enough that I could close my eyes and anticipate every single turn left to get to the house, but I can't seem to keep my eyes from darting in all directions as if I'm worried that piece of shit followed her from her house to here.
Let that motherfucker show up on our doorstep. He'll leave in a fucking body bag.
Casper assured me that it wasn't Scott Wilson. He has proof on surveillance cameras that the guy was in Connecticut at the time Caitlyn saw someone in her backyard, and that just complicates things even further, having more than one creep to fucking deal with.
"I'm fine," I grunt at Zeus, scowling when he huffs a humorless laugh.
"Yeah. Okay."
Although he has to know why I'm so agitated because he heard me having conversations with both Casper and Lark about Catilyn, he hasn't given me any shit about it. But I get the feeling once I see her for myself, it's going to be open season on the ribbing from the guys.
I don' t bother waiting for the SUV to come to a full stop in front of the cabin before I open the door and jump out. Nyx, who is driving, mutters a curse word as more laughter from Zeus scratches at my back.
I'm in a full sprint by the time I make it to the front door, hating that I have to pause long enough to open the motherfucker.
My eyes dart around the living room, my breath coming out in uneven puffs due more to anticipation than exertion.
My gaze lands on Jericho before I slide them away.
I can't even describe the sense of relief I feel when I spot Caitlyn. My eyes assess her, running the length of her body, paying attention to her throat and arms.
I have enough wherewithal to note the uptick in her pulse at the juncture of her throat as she stands from where she is sitting on the sofa.
She looks as relieved to see me as I do her, and I don't hesitate for a second before crossing the room and wrapping my arms around her. She buries her face in the crook of my neck, and before I realize I'm touching her when I know it's something she doesn't like, I feel the dampness from her tears coating my skin.
"Sorry," I whisper, trying to take a step back, but her arms lock me in place.
With her in my arms, feeling like I'm finally exactly where I've always meant to be, I chance a glance up, finding Jericho across the room glaring at me as if I've broken some cardinal rule.
I maintain his gaze, daring him to challenge me right now, but all I get is a simple dip of his head before he leaves the room.
I don't know what this looks like to others around us, but I can't find the energy to care what they might think. I have no way to explain what it is when I don't fully understand it myself .
"I was worried about you," she whispers, her breath warm on my throat.
She gives me one final squeeze before taking a step back.
I feel awkward as my arms fall to my sides. It's weird standing so close to her and not touching her, even though we've had very limited contact with each other every other time we've been in the same room.
"Me?" I ask. "I've been worried about you."
"Lark has taken very good care of me," she says, her eyes dipping to her clasped hands.
A sound, more like a yip than a bark, draws my attention, but I only give Kiva a cursory glance before looking back at Caitlyn.
"Have you slept?"
"What?" I ask, finding the question strange.
I freeze when her hand lifts up and presses softly under my eyes, the contact enough to have me swaying on my feet.
"You look tired," she whispers.
"I'm exhausted," I confess. "It's been a long couple of days."
We battled Adair just as the sun was peeking on the horizon, and with all the things that had to be done to wrap up the case, the sun was already setting. Despite it being early evening, the darkness taking over outside is almost enough to convince my brain that it's bedtime.
As if speaking of my own tiredness affects her in some way, she pulls her hand back, using it to cover her own yawn.
"You need some rest."
She dips her head in agreement."I tried to sleep earlier, but I just couldn't."
"Let's get you upstairs," I say, holding out my hand and ignoring the stares and uncomfortable silence from the others .
She doesn't hesitate to take it, and I can't help the thrill that races up my spine with the contact, knowing just how important it is.
As we begin to ascend the stairs, I can't help but wonder if Lark put her in my room. The idea that she's anywhere else but in my space makes my skin crawl, but instead of going toward my space at the top of the stairs, she guides me to a different area of the house.
I have no idea what she told Jericho and Lark or if she even had a conversation with Zara, Cora, or Aspen, but I know better than to think I can just get her into the room she has been provided and ignore the way I acted when I came into the house. Despite not thinking I owe anyone an explanation, I know one is going to be demanded of me, especially from Hemlock. As much as I'm not looking forward to it, I know it's better to get it over with.
This might be a lot easier to deal with if I actually understood it myself.
"I'm glad you're safe," she says, making me wonder if she'd cringe if I pulled off my shirt and let her see the bruises blooming on my skin from where my vest stopped the bullets meant to kill me.
Would she still feel safe around me if she knew just how dangerous our jobs were?
"I'm glad you're here," I whisper when she opens her bedroom door, chuckling a little when Kiva darts between our legs toward the dog bed situated on the far side of the room.
I know better than to think the little dog will actually sleep there. The night I spent in her bed, that damn dog was smack in the middle between us. When the dog shifted its weight, Caitlyn moved to accommodate it, not the other way around.
As much as I want to wrap my arms around her and just sink into the bed, holding her while we sleep, I reach down, giving her hand a little squeeze before taking a step back.
"Get some rest, baby," I whisper before releasing her hand.
She blinks up at me, her tongue skating out to dampen her lips. Although it makes me think that she's picturing kissing me, there's no way I could do that right now.
I still feel so fucking raw from not being there when she needed me the most, and I don't know that I could respect her boundaries if I got my mouth on her right now. The last thing I want is to be one more thing she has to work through in therapy.
"Will you be able to rest soon?" she asks, concern lacing her tone.
"Soon," I promise. "I have to debrief first."
I have to walk away before deciding that it's the best idea ever to follow her into the room she has been provided. It's all I really want to do honestly.
I race down the stairs, thinking that some distance between the two of us will let my head clear a little, but the space offers no relief.
I head into the kitchen, grab a bottle of water from the fridge, and take a seat at the breakfast bar, waiting for what I know is about to come.
We won't debrief the Adair situation until the morning, but I know a conversation with Jericho is coming, and I might as well get the shit over with.
As if on cue, the man walks into the kitchen, his eyes on mine as if he's trying to read my mind.
"Listen," I begin, grinding my teeth when he holds his hand up to silence me.
His inability to even let me speak my piece feels disrespectful even though I don't know what I was planning on saying in the first place.
"Aspen told me weeks ago that I was wrong for putting restrictions on whatever it was that was going on between you and Dr. Rudd," he says before pulling in a long breath. "I think maybe she was right."
I tilt my head to the side, a little confused as if I missed part of the conversation.
"It's very apparent that the two of you care a lot for each other."
My first instinct is to shake my head, to reject his observation, but the man just witnessed me coming into the house all wide-eyed and worried until I had my arms around her. There's no real way to deny that we have some sort of connection, and it feels like it would be disrespecting Caitlyn if I said otherwise right now.
"I have to trust that if that situation blows up, it won't affect my son."
I register the warning in his tone and dip my head in understanding. Without another word, he leaves the room. I sit at the bar, finishing my bottle of water and fighting the urge to go to her for half an hour.
When I find it more than a little difficult to keep my eyes open, I put my empty bottle in the recycling bin and head up the stairs, doing my best and failing when I try not to look at her door.
The fact that she's under the same roof is as much a relief to me as it is a complication, and I know my next conversation needs to be with her about our expectations.
I don't think it's going to go very well. I just have to hope that she's mature enough not to let it affect her work so Jericho doesn't jump in my shit the way I know he's expecting he's going to have to.