Chapter 19 #2
Because it wasn’t one clean thing. It would be easier if it had been. Instead, it was this awful mess of tension and possessiveness and anger and confusion that somehow hurt more because none of it came out the way I needed it to.
“He found out something,” I say slowly.
Ana’s expression changes first.
Then Kya’s.
Then Brooke’s.
Mac finally looks up.
Emma says nothing, but I can feel her attention sharpen.
“What something?” Brooke asks softly.
I close my eyes for one second. Then open them and say it because there’s no point dragging it out. “He was my first.”
Silence.
Then…
Kya says, very clearly, “Oh, for fuck’s sake.”
A woman three feet away looking at pacifier clips glances over.
Mac gives her a flat stare until she looks away again.
Brooke presses a hand to her chest. “Allie.”
Ana looks halfway between horrified and vindicated. “I knew it.”
“Of course you knew it,” I mutter.
Shaina points at me. “I literally told you if that ever happened and you didn’t warn him, he was gonna lose his whole damn mind.”
“I didn’t think I needed to issue a disclaimer before getting half naked at amateur night and making catastrophic life choices.”
Kya snorts.
Brooke looks torn between sympathy and wanting more details. “Wait. Did you tell him?”
“No.”
All five of them speak at once.
Emma is the only one who doesn’t. She just watches me for another beat and says, very gently, “You didn’t want him to treat you differently because of it.”
My throat tightens. Because yes. Because exactly. Because if I’d told Jimmy beforehand, there’s a very real chance none of it would’ve happened at all, and that hurts worse than I want it to.
“I didn’t want it to become a thing,” I admit.
Mac’s mouth flattens. “And naturally, he made it a thing anyway.”
“Spectacularly,” I say.
Kya slams the bottle brushes back into the cart like she’s personally offended on my behalf. “Men are the weakest link in every ecosystem.”
Brooke nods sadly. “That’s so true.”
Emma’s voice stays calm. “What exactly did he do?”
There’s no judgment in it. No edge. Just a question.
So I tell them. Not every detail. Not enough to make myself combust on the spot.
But enough.
Enough about the office. Enough about the aftermath. Enough about the way Jimmy looked like he’d been hit by a truck when he realized and then somehow made that my problem too.
That gets the biggest reaction.
Brooke gasps like she’s been physically wounded.
Shaina looks ready to commit a felony.
Ana says, “Oh, he’s dead.”
Kya actually looks around like she’s considering whether there’s a blunt object nearby. “Where is he? I just want to talk.”
Mac’s expression goes very still in the way it does when she’s angrier than she looks. “That was stupid.”
“Yeah,” I say, because apparently humiliation is my cardio now. “I gathered that.”
Emma is quiet for a second. Then she says, “Honey, I don’t think he meant that the way it came out.”
I look at her.
Not because I disagree. Because I know she’s probably right.
That’s the worst part.
Jimmy isn’t cruel. Not really. Not at his core.He’s just…terrible at being vulnerable when it matters most.
And unfortunately, that doesn’t make it hurt less.
“I know,” I say softly. “But that doesn’t really help.”
Emma’s face softens. “No. It doesn’t.”
Mac shuts the bottle sterilizer box with enough force to make a point. “Regardless of what he meant, he doesn’t get to handle you badly because he can’t manage his own feelings.”
“There she is,” Shaina says approvingly.
“No,” Mac says. “Seriously. Men like Jimmy get stupid when they care, and that might explain it, but it does not excuse it.”
That lands.
Hard.
Because I know Jimmy cares. That’s part of what makes this so unbearable. If he didn’t care, I could hate him cleanly. If he didn’t care, I could call it what it was and move on.
But he does.
He just keeps caring in all the wrong directions.
“He’s an idiot,” Ana says.
“The biggest,” Kya agrees.
Brooke points at me. “And you are not allowed to let him jerk you around.”
“Exactly,” Mac says.
I huff a laugh. “You all say that like I’m weak.”
Shaina snorts. “Please. You’re not weak. You’re just spectacularly stupid where Jimmy is concerned.”
“That was rude.”
“That was true,” Ana says.
Brooke smiles apologetically. “A little bit.”
Emma, because she can never just let us all devolve into feral nonsense without gently steering us back to center, steps closer and touches my arm. “Allie,” she says softly, “wanting him doesn’t make you weak. But wanting him can’t come at the expense of what you need.”
That one hits the deepest.
Because there it is. The actual wound under all of this.
I still want him.
Even now. Even after the office. Even after the weird distance and the terrible reaction and the way he keeps acting like I’m both too much and not enough at the same time.
I still want him.
And God, I hate that.
Because Emma’s right. Wanting him doesn’t mean I get to let him keep slicing me open every time he panics.
Before I can answer, my phone buzzes in the back pocket of my jeans.
I almost ignore it. Then it buzzes again. And again.
Shaina lifts a brow. “Popular today.”
I pull it out mostly to stop the vibration.
It’s Destiny. One of the cocktail waitresses at Ambrosia.
Destiny: You busy tonight?
Destiny: before you answer this is not a work emergency lol
Destiny: my friend drew asked about you again
I blink at the screen.
Kya immediately leans in. “Who is it?”
“Nobody.”
“That’s a lie,” Ana says.
“Show me.”
“No.”
Mac extends one hand without even looking up from the cart. “Phone.”
“Absolutely not.”
Shaina grabs for it.
I dodge her. “Jesus Christ,” I mutter, trying not to laugh and fail.
Brooke lights up instantly. “Wait, is it a guy?”
“It’s not—”
“It’s a guy,” Kya gasps.
Emma just smiles a little, because of course she does.
I look back down at the text.
Destiny: He’s actually cute and not awful…which is rare around here. Want me to tell him yes or no?
Drew.
I know who he is.
A local cop. Quiet. Clean-cut. A little too polished for my usual taste, if I’m being honest.
But nice enough. Interested enough. Safe enough.
And most importantly, not Jimmy. That thought lands cold and clean in the center of my chest.
Not Jimmy.
Maybe that’s what I need. Not butterflies. Not history. Not years of wanting wrapped up in every stupid glance and every almost moment.
Just…something else.
Someone else. Something that doesn’t leave me bleeding all over myself while I wait for a man to get brave enough to say what he means.
Kya is practically vibrating. “Allie.”
Ana grins. “Do it.”
Brooke claps once. “Oh my God, do it.”
Mac gives me a long, unreadable look and says, “You don’t owe Jimmy your emotional availability while he figures out how not to be an idiot.”
Shaina points at her. “That.”
Emma doesn’t push. She just says quietly, “Whatever you choose, make sure you’re choosing it for you.”
That’s the only reason I don’t immediately throw my phone across the aisle and flee.
Because Emma would know if I were lying. Because Emma always knows.
So I make myself sit with it for one full breath. Then another.
Then I type:
Me: yeah, tell him yes
The second I hit send, my stomach drops.
Not because I’m excited.
Because I’m not. Not really. There’s no rush. No spark. No stupid little flutter. Just a hard, exhausted kind of resolve.
Because I’m done.
Maybe not with wanting Jimmy. That part, apparently, is going to take a little more violence to kill. But I am done bleeding for him while he stands there acting like his feelings are somehow more urgent than mine.
Destiny responds almost immediately.
Destiny: FINALLY, he’ll text you in a sec
Kya squeals so loudly that two women with strollers look over.
Brooke grabs my arm. “You have a date!”
“It’s not a big deal.”
“Liar,” Shaina says.
Ana is already smirking. “Jimmy’s gonna hate this.”
Mac, cool as ever, says, “That sounds like a him problem.”
Emma just watches me for one beat too long. Not disapproving. Not worried exactly. Just making sure.
I hold her gaze and say the thing I need to hear out loud, maybe more than I need anyone else here to hear it. “I’m not waiting around anymore.”
Emma nods once. “Good.”
By the time we get back to the clubhouse, the SUV is full of shopping bags, snacks, and enough baby clothes to outfit a small army.
The men are outside by the bikes when we pull in.
Logan is saying something to Cain with his hands moving like he’s already irritated. Dom is half bent over his bike. Carter is holding a beer like it’s a sacred object. Shadow, Hammer, Cobra, and Landon are all scattered around the lot in that loose, watchful way the brothers always are.
And Jimmy is there too. Leaning against his bike with his arms crossed, looking like a man who hasn’t unclenched his jaw in twelve hours. He looks up the second the SUV rolls to a stop. His eyes find me immediately.
That stupid, traitorous pull in my chest happens anyway.
I hate that.
I really, really hate that.
Emma gets out first and heads toward Cain. Brooke immediately calls for Carter. Kya starts demanding help with bags she absolutely could carry herself but now refuses to on principle. The whole lot shifts into motion around us.
I climb out more slowly, my phone buzzing in my back pocket.
The text is from an unknown number:
Hey it’s Drew
Destiny gave me your number would love to take you out tonight if you’re still up for it
I stare at it for half a second.
Then type back.
Me: yeah, that works
When I look up again, Jimmy is still watching me.
And this time, he knows exactly what he’s seeing.