14. Kade
14
Kade
I pull down the front of my sweater and take a deep breath before entering the kitchen. All the guests surround the island, with Abigail on one end to herself. Each guest has a spread of ingredients in front of them, along with a golden-rimmed coupe glass.
“Kade! You made it!” Abigail announces, clapping her hands.
Everyone turns to look at me. Wish she hadn’t done that, even if I am hard to miss. I lift a hand. “Yep. Hi.”
“We missed you today,” Harriet says, reaching out and patting my arm.
I smile at the older woman. “Glad to be back.”
“I have a spot for you right here,” Abigail says, patting the empty station kitty-corner to her.
I slide behind the row of people to the spot, which is next to Bryn.
“Glad you showed your ugly mug,” Bryn says dryly, bumping her hip against mine.
Only for Bryn would I be doing a cocktail-making class or whatever this is. Well, Gia, too, but Gia wasn’t the one who asked. And who could blame her after the way our conversation went down today? I texted Bryn about an hour later to apologize for the way I acted. I was harsh, and Gia made me see that, even if it took her leaving for me to grapple with how I have been pushing everyone away.
The holidays aren’t easy. Missing Mom and Dad. It’s been easier to keep him at arm’s length, even though I miss him. It’s been so long since our dad was our dad, though. I’m not sure he still exists in there. And I’m too scared to try.
I have always understood that women are braver than men. Bryn and Gia are no different.
The two of them would have been brave enough to tell me their plan to my face. Which is why I apologized to Bryn.
Bryn said I could make it up to her by joining in the festivities tonight. So here I am. Hoping I can get the confidence to apologize to Gia, too.
Speaking of Gia, she’s standing across from Bryn, Ahmad on one side and Mars on the other.
Mars happens to be directly across from me.
Joy.
“How are you, mate?” Mars asks, chin tipping up.
I glance at Gia. Does she have to be this stunning when I feel like an absolute jerk? All her curls are up on her head, and she’s in a green fuzzy sweater cropped right above her belly button. She won’t look at me, though, her eyes downcast on the ingredients in front of her. I shift my attention back to Mars. “Fine. Needed a day.”
“Kade is very hermitic,” Bryn explains. “I can picture him in a cabin on the top of a mountain with a long white beard, whittling animals out of wood and?—”
“I can’t tell if this is an insult,” I say .
The room laughs. Not Gia, though. Gia lifts her head and looks at Abigail. “You ready, Abs?”
“Of course, she’s ready. Abigail was born ready. No one can poach an egg quite like her,” Mars answers, giving Abigail a small wink.
Abigail smiles, and a blush crops up on her cheeks. “Don’t be silly; egg poaching is just—ahem, well, anyway, let’s get started.”
As she explains her Naughty But Nice cocktail, I keep one eye on Gia the whole time. She holds her head high, responds to everyone with a bright smile, makes jokes, and hums carols as they waft through a speaker somewhere in the room. She won’t look at me, though, no matter how hard I try to get her to see me.
“You can add a little bit more ginger syrup if you prefer your cocktail to be sweeter with a little bit more warmth, but I personally prefer more cranberry, so it’s tart,” Abigail explains.
“Come on, Abigail,” Mars intercedes. “You’re telling me you don’t need a little bit of sweetness in your life?”
I observe Mars’s posture. He’s leaning closer to Abigail, his hand on the counter between them, and he has a charismatic smile on his lips.
Abigail giggles, her eyes kept down with nervousness. “Of course I do, but I prefer to get my sweetness in different ways.”
I throw a look toward Gia. She’s not looking at me, but at Bryn, one eyebrow lifted and a smile on her lips. She’s… aware of what’s happening between Mars and Abigail? And it doesn’t seem to be upsetting her.
Maybe my jealousy is a bit ridiculous. I’m not willing to let myself get comfortable, though. When you get comfortable, you get your feelings hurt .
Still, though, I can’t ignore the giddy feeling in my chest that Gia might be pushing Mars toward Abigail.
I try to follow along with the last steps of the concoction but overpour the club soda right at the end, causing my drink to bubble over.
Andrew guffaws. “You know, we’re meant for detail orientation in other things, guys like us.”
“You can say that again,” I say as I try to catch the liquid with a paper towel before it spills over the side of the counter.
Gia giggles, and I look up. Our eyes catch, and her smile disappears immediately. She looks over at Ahmad and points out that his drink is more cherries than liquid. Okay, maybe I’m not a total lost cause when it comes to her.
“The naughty or nice comes in, of course, at the end,” Abigail says, lifting the bottle of whisky off the table. “You can be nice and stick to the recipe, or…” She adds a splash to her drink, picks it up off the table, and sips it, her eyes rolling up.
“I wouldn’t have pegged you as naughty , Abigail,” Mars flirts.
She nearly chokes on her drink, and the room splits with laughter, including mine.
Tonight, the common room is filled with warmth and laughter again. The difference, though, is that I’m allowing myself to be affected by it. I’m not glowering at Mars or harboring pent-up anxieties. I’m letting things be nice. As nice as they can be when Gia isn’t speaking with me.
She’s at the piano, playing music to underscore the night, sometimes holding conversations as she does so, but for the most part, she’s in her own little world. It astonishes me how she can be the loudest firecracker or the quietest mouse, depending on what’s going on in her head. That beautiful, complicated head of hers.
Bryn and I sit together on a loveseat, quiet but comfortably so. She gestures toward Abigail and Mars, who have found solace in a private conversation over a decorative snow globe Abigail keeps shaking up because she’s nervous. “They’re cute together.”
“I’d have to agree.”
“You’re just happy you don’t have to be jealous anymore,” my sister teases.
I sip my cocktail. No comment.
Bryn leans over and rests her head on my shoulder. “I’m sorry I brought up Dad.”
“Don’t apologize, Bryn.”
“I know how it makes you feel.”
I sigh, wrapping my arm around my sister and pulling her close. The closeness between us is innate. That’s what happens when you’ve known each other since conception, I suppose. “It matters what you feel, too.”
“Holidays make me think of Mom,” she whispers.
I glance up at the tree to the angel at the very tip-top. “Me too.”
“And what she would have wanted for us, for Dad… it wasn’t this, Kade.”
I swallow. “I know.”
Bryn puts her hand on my chest and looks up at me. “You know you can talk to me, Kade, right? You know I’ll never see you any different because of what you feel.”
Something tugs in the back of my throat. “Yeah?”
“Of course. It’s just a different shade of Kade,” she says with a hapless grin.
I chuckle. “Corny. ”
Bryn’s eyes sparkle, and she shrugs. “I know Gia would say the same.”
I don’t say anything, unsure how to let that wash over me.
Bryn worries her lower lip with her teeth. “Maybe one day? We can reach out?”
The hardness in my heart I’ve saved for my father doesn’t feel impenetrable all of a sudden. I thought that feeling had calcified. But perhaps it was just frozen. “Maybe. Yeah.”
Bryn wraps her arms around me tighter. “Okay. That’s all I need.”
I hold my sister close and watch the room around me. Ahmad plays Harold in chess while Harriet and Andrew sit nearby. Harriet comforts Andrew over the fact that he won’t be able to see his girlfriend on Christmas. Abigail no longer toys with the snow globe because Mars is examining her hands. I know that move, the “let’s compare hand sizes” move. He’s a charmer, that’s for sure.
I save the best for last. Gia is at the piano, watching the keys thoughtfully as she plays, her expression placid yet dynamic. The music moves through her. She gives it all, always.
I want her. But I want to be more like her, too.
I wonder if she’d teach me.