Chapter 10 Raven
Raven
I want to throw up. No, I want to dig my eyes out and plug my ears with them.
There is nothing more gross than witnessing my sister making out with Judge. At one end of the bar, the two of them are lost in their own world. Neither cares about what kind of audience they may bring in.
Right now, I think I’m the only one who has noticed the two of them orbiting each other.
A harsh, metallic taste floods my mouth. I swallow it down, forcing my gaze away from the way his hand cradles the back of her neck and makes her sigh just right. Gross.
My stomach clenches, a tight fist of pure disgust and, worse, jealousy. Not because of Judge, but because of this thing they’re sharing.
A happiness I thought I had the chance of obtaining myself.
Man, what happened to my sweet, innocent sister? The one who’d get all red at just the mention of PDA?
Now, she’s the one making a public spectacle. Lately, both he and Ripper have been trekking back and forth to Meadow Falls to manage the charter there. He’s just doing his job. But every return is a performance. A reunion that always ends with these two entangling themselves.
They act like they’ve been apart for weeks instead of days. A low, possessive murmur from him, a breathless laugh from her. The sounds are like insects skittering under my skin. I tell myself it’s revulsion. It has to be.
My frowns can’t be blamed on my sister’s happiness. I can’t deny the longing I feel for the very same.
Now that I’ve had a taste, I want it, too. Badly.
A cold, hollow ache opens up beneath my rib cage, a perfect void the exact shape of that hunger.
If I’d picked a better person to give myself to, would I be like her? Uncaring and giggling? Trapped beneath the weight of a lover who doesn’t want to part ways?
Something that corny isn’t anything I’ve ever imagined for myself.
I sigh through my nose, hoping someone will dare come by the bar and order some kind of drink. I don’t care about the time of day or what they want. I just need an excuse to keep my hands busy and my mind occupied.
No one comes, though. I’m left to suffer alone with my stomach clenching despite such an emptiness threatening to swallow me up.
It’s not just my sister’s relationship that’s making my stomach clench up.
All the way at the end of the bar, Jinx sits. He wastes his time hovering, just as he has been. It’s been rather… annoying. Frustrating.
So I have my sister on one end torturing me, and the man I’m trying not to want on the other.
Can’t the guy take a hint? He doesn’t need to hover anymore. Yet, there he is, staring at me when he thinks I don’t notice. Watching me without saying anything. Hell, if he tried picking a fight, then at least I’d be able to tell him to go fuck off without being the bad guy.
He looks like a damn kicked puppy who wants attention. As of late, he’s turned into quite the loner, hasn’t he?
The sweetbutts have left him alone, not that I’ve tried to notice. I have to listen to them moan and groan all about it. If he’s lonely, he’s good-looking enough to go find company. For whatever reason, he doesn’t.
He chooses to sit here, waiting for me to give him any attention.
Deep down, I don’t want to mind. At the same time, if I give him what he wants, what’s going to stop him from moving on to another woman as soon as he’s satisfied?
I grimace as I recall how badly my chest hurt when he easily accepted Rosie’s touch.
Never in my life have I been hurt in such a way. It’s so stupid, really. My heart keeps getting in the way, aching or swelling. I wish it would make up its mind on what it wants.
Feeling his eyes on me even now, I bet he’s trying to figure out what I’m thinking. He’ll see the longing in my gaze and probably think he’s the solution to my problem. Then, he’ll get cocky. Throw a grin on his lips like he’s always done.
Hell, I don’t think I remember the last time he’s even laughed.
Maybe we’re both a little messed up after everything that has gone down.
Finally looking his way, he straightens up, and his mouth does this awkward upturn. As much as I regret it, this moment becomes far worse when his fingers move to his empty glass.
Penelope’s giggles are all the proof I need that I’m on my own. She’s not going to leave her boyfriend to refill a glass. The clubhouse catching on fire would not be enough to tear those two apart.
Plus, it’s not like I can keep avoiding him forever.
He’d make things a lot easier if he just went back to the way he used to be. Back to annoying the hell out of me, breaking things that I know were on purpose, and being someone who was a pain in my ass.
He basically had. Touching Rosie so easily was a good reminder of who I gave myself to. A man who likes to dip his toes whenever he pleases.
You told him it was just sex, Raven. You can’t be mad that he doesn’t want only you.
I guess giving him a piece of me came with more than I thought it would. It made me… want him. Not just the pleasures he brings, but him. Ever since, my mood has been distastefully sour.
“Are you going to yell at me if I reach over the bar?” Popping my thought bubble by intruding, Jinx mimics doing the one very thing that’s agitated me so many times over in the past.
Maybe there is a small part of him that wants things to go back to normal. Or, he’s trying to do the one thing that’s guaranteed to get my attention.
Forcing me to reply, I scoff under my breath and approach. Trying not to breathe in the scent of fresh air clinging to him, I snatch his glass. “Let me guess, another water?”
He hasn’t gotten wasted left and right like before. Maybe that’s the problem? It’s like all the fun in him has gotten sucked out, leaving behind… this person.
There’s only one word that comes to my mind to describe him. Stalker.
His eyes flicker down to my hands, and he takes a deep breath. “Yeah. Please.”
Even his voice is enough to make my insides clench and quiver. I should really just tell him to stop doing what he’s doing. I don’t know why I haven’t.
Turning away, I fill his glass as close to the brim as possible. All so he won’t have the excuse to ask again.
Sliding him the full glass, I no longer have a reason to stick around. Yet, suddenly, my boots feel heavy. Keeping me in place, my eyes flicker over him. When he takes a drink, he stares. “What?”
He doesn’t flinch at the bite behind the word, relaxing instead.
Pressing his lips together, the words don’t immediately come. Is he thinking about what to say? What do we have to talk about?
Outside of the complicated feelings I’m hiding, of course.
“I think we should spar again.” Offering up the suggestion, he smiles meekly. “I’ll let you kick my ass and get everything out of your system.”
“Let you—” Realizing he’s baiting me, I scowl and turn from him. “No thanks.”
If he thinks this anger I’m desperately clinging onto can be released by a punch or two, he’s wrong. There’s only one way I’m releasing anything, and it won’t be with my fists.
“Raven.” Purring my name, he sighs when I give him my back so he can’t see the damning heat that tries to creep up my throat. “If you don’t want to fight, then how about we talk? Just a few words. You can get on my bike, and we can hit the town.”
My heart flutters, much to my dismay. I don’t ever leave the clubhouse outside of my strolls, but even those are still surrounded by pines. No one has offered to take me in a long time.
Realizing that I’m starting to want to say yes, I abandon the bar. I don’t need to get out of here. I just need to get away from him before I do something reckless. The bar can be self-serve for all I care.
“No thanks.” Answering him with a call over my shoulder so he can’t see my face betraying me, my stomach clenches at the sound of a stool scraping.
Jinx has followed me around for days now, so I should be used to it by now. However, he’s never tried to be obvious about it. He’d wait for me to disappear first, then pop up like it was pure chance.
Today, he’s wasted no time catching up.
“Stop following me.” Clenching my hands, I consider giving him what he deserves. I’ll knock him flat on his ass and remind him that we’re not friends. We’re not anything. We’re oil and water, fire and gunpowder—nothing good comes from us mixing.
“Raven…” Groaning my name, he follows me out of the bar, the silent air in the back hardly covering the chaos he brings with him.
“Come on. You can’t keep this up.” He makes this frustrated huff, a sound that vibrates in my own chest, before the wide, safe space between us grows slimmer with one step at a time.
“I get it, you hate me. But this… this is different than before. I want—”
Twisting on my heel, I come to a sudden stop, and he nearly topples straight into me.
The nearness brings a prickling heat against my skin, and I try my best to ignore it.
“You’re right. I do hate you,” I snap, the lie bitter on my tongue.
“I hate that you can’t catch on. Jinx. This?
” I slash my hand through the gap of space between us.
“This shouldn’t be happening. You have what you want.
What else is there? What in the hell do you want from me? ”
There’s nothing worth giving him, and yet my poor, stupid heart is a wild thing trying to lunge from my chest and straight into his hands. A guy who doesn’t know what love is, even if it hits him in the face. Hell, I don’t even know what love is.
I’ve spent weeks building walls, stone by stone, pretending I don’t feel the foundation crack every time he looks at me.
All those days I ignored him, I only succeeded because he was still there, a constant, maddening presence.
If he’d just left me alone… then maybe the lie would have become true.
Instead, he became the thorn I couldn’t dislodge, the itch I couldn’t scratch, festering deeper every day.