Chapter 56
“end game” - Cat Burns
Maeve
When I return to the party, the chandeliers are all lit and gently swinging from the branches overhead. Soft jazz surrounds us, the garden walls creating great acoustics, according to Rhett. Servers dressed in black-and-white uniforms mill about, carrying bottles of champagne and ice water.
Lux is on my left, chatting with Cami. I haven’t been the best company since we sat down.
Or all weekend really. On my right, Walker leans toward Heath to whisper something in his ear.
Hopefully, my lack of enthusiasm hasn’t tainted her happiness.
I avert my eyes before they can move past Heath and land on his best man.
Instead, I scan the crowd before us as I sip my wine.
In just a few minutes, I need to give my maid of honor toast. I’ve given dozens of speeches over the years, so why are my hands clammy and my goblet shaking?
Is it because Pierce is here or because of my conversation with Vivienne?
I promised her I’d talk to him, but now that he’s mere feet away from me, every ounce of courage I possessed has taken flight and plunged itself into the Mediterranean.
I wasn’t kidding when I said I don’t know what I’ll do if he rejects me again. I also wasn’t kidding about not being able to eat anything. I’ve managed to get down a single cracker, and that was only to help absorb some of the alcohol the servers keep topping my glass off with.
Anxiety courses through me, and I focus on the fact that, in two hours, this will all be over and I can put it behind me.
Viv will be on her way to Italy by morning, and the two of us can stay for a week, watching Audrey movies, wandering the streets of nearby villages, and flirting with Italian men.
Behind me, the wedding planner leans down to whisper in my ear. “Time for your toast. You’re going to do great!”
I nod and take a deep breath before getting to my feet. My heels are killing me, and I wish I had kicked them off before standing, but it’s too late now. Besides, without them, I look like a child next to any full-grown adult.
Tugging the thick linen stationery from my pocket, I run over the lines in my mind again. The notes were more of a precaution, since I memorized the whole thing, but now I’m grateful for them. There’s something about looking at a sea of eyes that makes you forget every word in your head.
I spent hours crafting this speech, and I’m proud of it. I even hired an editor to ensure it’s perfect. Maybe nobody remembers the wedding toasts, but that’s no reason to slack.
Someone hands me a mic, and the guests quiet as they realize I’m about to speak. I angle my body toward the happy couple, wishing with all my might that Pierce would vanish into thin air so that I could do this without him clouding my brain.
He’s right over Heath’s shoulder, and my eyes badly want to land on him. I have no doubt he’s looking at me, just like everyone else, but the minute I meet his gaze, he’ll lower it. Message received, I want to tell him. You hate me. I get it. You don’t need to rub it in.
After softly clearing my throat, I raise the microphone and begin. “I’ve known Heath and Walker for what feels like my whole life but has really only been about twelve years. In all of that time, I’ve never seen them happier than when they are together.”
I glance up from the sheet in my hands and give them both a sweet smile. They beam back at me before exchanging a knowing look with each other. This is their day, I remind myself. No one else matters.
“They’ve had some rough patches, but I think that’s made their love even stronger. Through it all, they stood by each other’s side. Even when the rest of us thought they were crazy.”
“Hear, hear,” Rhett says, and several chuckles float from the audience.
I shoot him a look, wondering if he’s about to make a scene, but he only tosses me a wink and sips his champagne.
I have every intention of bringing my gaze back to the paper in my hands, but my eyes have a mind of their own.
Defying my wishes, they flit to Pierce’s face like a butterfly to a flower.
As expected, he’s watching me. Everyone in the garden is watching me right now, but at this moment, all of that melts away, and there’s only him.
My heart lets out a keening wail as our eyes lock.
Why didn’t I recognize what I had while I had it?
Because of my stupidity, I’ll never get it back.
In a year or two, we’ll be at his wedding, but it won’t be me beside him at a table like this.
It will be a stunning blond with long legs and a gentle tongue, someone who does as she’s told, who doesn’t fight for control in every situation like a dictator.
Who knows if I’ll even be invited—not that I’d go if I was.
I’d rather rip my heart out, bit by bloody bit, than watch Pierce marry someone else.
I feel my face crumple, and even though I know everyone can see it, I can’t do anything to stop it. Tucking my lips between my teeth, I fight to regain my composure, but it’s gone. Jumped over the cliff and nowhere to be found.
My head swims from all the wine I’ve had on an empty stomach. The best thing—the smart thing—to do would be to hand the mic to Lux and leave while I still have a little dignity left. Heath and Walker would understand, and Lux would do a great job filling in for me.
But there’s no way I’ll ever find the courage to say what I need to say to Pierce after this. It’s now or never.
I rip my gaze from his, and you can almost hear the sound of it tearing as I do.
Scanning the paper in my hands one last time, I make up my mind, then toss it onto the table.
“I used to think you’d know you’re with the right person if you were able to control your emotions and not get carried away.
If things didn’t get messy. I thought if I could just stay in control, I’d be okay. ”
Now I have to force myself to look at him.
My eyes would rather be anywhere else, those traitors.
But if I don’t look at him, I’m terrified he won’t understand that I’m speaking to him, that this is the only thing I have left to offer him, and I know it’s not enough—it’ll never be enough.
But I can’t live with myself if I don’t at least try.
He’s still looking at me, and I tell myself that’s something, at least. He could have chosen to stare at the table or even excuse himself. But his gaze is still fixed firmly on my face, even if there isn’t a hint of a smile on that mouth I love so much.
“But I realized that when you truly love someone, you trust them. It doesn’t mean they won’t ever let you down, but it does mean you’re committed to working things out when they do.”
Pierce’s expression hasn’t changed, but he hasn’t looked away either. That has to be a good sign, right? I keep those dark eyes as my focal point as I continue, my voice getting clogged with tears.
“Love is about releasing control, not retaining it. It’s about embracing vulnerability.
It isn’t until you can fully relax with another person that you discover true love.
” I suck in a long breath as I finally turn back to the bride and groom.
“While I made the biggest mistake of my life and chased away the only man I’ve ever truly loved, I’m thrilled Heath and Walker were smarter than me. To the happy couple.”
I raise my glass to them, and the rest of the guests follow suit. Walker has tears in her eyes and squeezes my hand as I sit back down. I don’t have the courage to look at Pierce again. I just pass the mic to Walker so she can hand it off to the best man.
A quiet hush falls over the garden, almost as if everyone is holding their breath, like the moment right before the curtain goes up and the play starts.
Pierce gets to his feet. I don’t look at him—can’t look at him—not with my flaming face and broken heart.
What happens next is up to him. The ball is fully in his court now.
It’s scary, vulnerability. It feels a lot like that moment right before we fell out of the plane.
Your heart is in your throat and your head is in the clouds and you can’t think of anything except for the next few seconds in front of you and hope and pray you make it out alive.
You have no idea what will happen next—you just have to trust the person you’re strapped to.
He didn’t let me down then, but I have no idea if he will today.
The paper in his pocket is also crisp—I can hear it snap as he pulls it out. While his speech is grammatically correct and polished—I’m sure his assistant helped with that—it lacks heart. A robot could have written it. Heck, a robot could be reading it, given his lack of inflection.
Within sixty seconds, it’s over. I didn’t look at him the entire time, so I can’t confirm, but my instincts are telling me he kept his eyes on the page for the duration. Anyone looking in from the outside might assume he’s just shy, but I know better.
He’s as screwed up as I am. We just express it differently.
There’s a definite air of disappointment in the crowd.
Anyone with eyes in their head should be able to put two and two together.
After my embarrassing display during my walk down the aisle, followed by what was practically a confession of love during my speech, it’s obvious what’s going on between Pierce and me.
He’s as stoic as ever, lifting his glass to the newlyweds, pretending he didn’t blatantly ignore me, and now we’re all forced to avoid the elephant in the room. What did I expect, that he’d get up and declare his undying love for me? I’m such a fool.
After he takes his seat, I let my gaze slide down the table, not looking at him, just in his direction. I see his hand flex as he reaches for his champagne flute. It takes little to no imagination to remember exactly the way it felt clamped on my thigh or wrapped around my throat.
Reality slaps me in the face like a childhood bully. You’ll never feel those hands on you again.
Somewhere in the carved-out hole that used to be my chest, a dull ache grows in intensity until it reaches the point where I have to clutch it with my hand to keep from crying out. I never knew it could hurt so bad. Why doesn’t anyone warn you about this?
“You okay, babe?” Lux asks, pinning me with a look of concern.
Pushing back my chair, I shake my head. “I’m fine. Just need some fresh air.”
“When you’re feeling better, we need to talk about that toast,” she says as I walk away.
I lied. I’m not fine. And given Pierce’s apathy, I’m not sure I’ll ever be fine again.