Chapter Twelve
LILA STOOD AT the paddock fence Monday morning trying to regain her confidence.
Gordon looked her way, flicked an ear, and went back to the grass at the far side of the corral.
Lila reached into her pocket and extracted the small apple she had stolen from the kitchen.
When Gordon looked up a moment later, she paused, chewed, and then lumbered her way across the corral.
She plucked the apple from Lila’s hand and proceeded to make a very loud process of enjoying the treat.
“I am making all kinds of apologies this morning, Gordon, but I thought I would start with you.” The horse turned to look at her and then walked away.
Lila let out a heavy breath, hoping the horse’s dismissal was not a portent of things to come.
She watched until Gordon resumed her place on the far side of the corral before pushing away from the fence and turning toward the front of Franklyn Farm.
With each step toward the dowager cottage, Lila’s heart beat faster and her stomach felt tighter, but she was determined to handle this with integrity. She owed both Mory, and herself, that much.
She could hear movement within the cottage as soon as she came to a stop on the porch and knew he was leaving.
He had not yet decided upon an estate, as far as she knew, but he would not stay at Franklyn Farm now.
Not after he heard her confession and not with Neville here.
That was why she had to do this now, just two days after the ball.
She could not risk waiting until she felt ready.
If she had been less concerned about herself and more concerned about doing the right thing, she wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place.
She raised a hand and knocked. Fast, heavy footsteps moved toward the door.
When it swung open, Mory was looking over his shoulder at something inside.
“I’m grateful you came early, Clemens. If you’d just . . . Oh.” His entire body stopped moving when he saw her, and she attempted a smile in hopes it might soften the tension. “Miss Grange,” he said, reverting to the formal address. “Good morning.”
“Good morning, Mory,” she said, maintaining the familiar. “I would like to talk to you.”
He looked past her, perhaps hoping this Clemens man would save him from what could not be anything less than an awkward discussion.
“Well, my hired man should be here at any time, but I have until then. I would invite you in, but I think that would not be appropriate under the circumstances.”
That was her fault, his standing on ceremony and keeping her at a distance. She cleared her throat. “I wanted to explain my actions Saturday night.”
“That is not necessary, Miss Grange. I understand the situation and bear you no ill will.”
His dismissal hurt at least as much as his rage would. “I thank you for that,” Lila said. “But I fear you did not hear the full account.”
“I heard enough,” he said evenly. “I will not bother you again.” He began to close the door.
“That is not what I want,” she blurted out, then swallowed and took a breath. “What I want is for you to know the truth—all of it.”
“Answer me this, Miss Grange,” he said when she paused for another breath.
“Is the truth for my benefit or your own? If it is simply your conscience you wish to clear, I would prefer that you keep whatever explanation you feel so possessed to share to yourself. I do not need it, nor do I want the burden of such a thing. As I said, I bear you no ill will but would like to continue without discomfort between us, which, at this time, I feel capable of doing but cannot guarantee should you add to the weight of what has already taken place.”
“Oh,” Lila said, considering her motivation.
“I have no thirst for chaos and no interest in proving myself. Pursue the path you were on; I shall not interfere.”
She swallowed the shame she felt, but pushed through.
“I have behaved very badly toward you, Mory. I wish I could say it was accidental or that I acted without thought, but in fact I had quite a solid plan in place before you and I even met—a plan I felt sure would secure my destiny.” His brow furrowed enough to prove his interest in hearing what it was she had to say.
And so she told him of her pining for Neville, of the plan she made with Eloise to discourage the attention of an old military veteran, and the article she used as a guide.
She told him how hard she tried to be everything he could never want, and how he surprised her at every turn by not being put off by her behavior.
She then explained how she gave up on the game when she felt something for him that she had never felt before.
“I believed my heart had changed, but when Neville surprised me at the ball, the fantasy I had petted and nurtured for him left me paralyzed, unsure of my own feelings. When I tried to explain what I myself did not fully understand, I said it badly. After I found your rose, I realized what I’d done and I told him what I hadn’t said the first time. ”
“And he rejected you so you’ve come to me?” Mory said, lifting one eyebrow. “Forgive me if I’m not flattered.”
“He did not reject me,” Lila said. “But we have spoken and determined we are ill-suited.”
“And so he rejected you and you’ve come to me,” Mory repeated.
She felt her neck heat up and knew that equally hot tears would soon betray her.
She took a step back and looked at Mory’s boots instead of his face.
“I am not here to present myself a viable option to you, Mr. Luthford. I have accepted that door to be closed. I am here because I have behaved badly, and my immature and impulsive nature has hurt people I care for, including you. I have many failings, of which you have seen far more than I would wish, but I understand my accountability.” Once again words were failing her.
“I will not take more of your time, but I hope that your relationship with my uncle will not be damaged because of my outrageous behavior. I hope that your interactions within this community and your attempts to set up your own living are not affected by my ill treatment of you these last weeks. I hope, more than anything, that you will not look poorly upon High Ercall because of my mistakes. I regret so very much what I have done and wish for you to know that I am very, very sorry for it.” She barely got the last word out without her voice shaking, then turned and fled down the porch and to the front door of Franklyn Farm.
She did not know if Mr. Luthford stayed on the porch until she disappeared or if he pushed aside her apology as soon as she uttered it and went back to whatever task he’d been involved in when she arrived.
She didn’t know, because she didn’t look back.
Wouldn’t look back. Couldn’t look back. She feared very much that Mr. Luthford was an opportunity she would never have again and that she had ruined her one chance to be truly happy.