Chapter Five #2
He lifted a hand to his face and scrubbed his chin, rough with a day’s growth of stubble.
“Thinking on another man’s wife was sinful and hollow, but the memories of our time together here in Himley could not stay away for long.
When life pressed upon me and I could not remember what it was like to feel peace and happiness, it was your face I saw, your words I heard in the air giving me encouragement.
” He paused and smiled. “There were times I felt sure that I could smell the very scent of your perfume.”
She was watching him now, seemingly still reluctant to accept what he’d said, but he felt sure she wanted to.
“Upon learning of my uncle’s death three months ago, I sold my commission and returned to London, both fearful and hoping to see you again.
And it was there that I learned you had not married.
No one I spoke to knew the details, only that you kept house for your brother and were still called Miss Weathers.
I settled my affairs as quickly as possible and came for you. ”
He let those words sink in for her, hoping she felt them as well as heard them. He reached for her hand and when she let him take it, caught his breath. “We are here now, Reggie. Together. We can begin again.”
“It is not so simple.” Reggie looked at the ground, but she had not pulled her hand from his; she was obviously sorting through many things in her mind.
“It can be that simple, Reggie,” he whispered.
He squeezed her hand and brought it to his lips, hating the pained expression his kiss brought to her face.
He lowered her hand and leaned in. “We can forgive each other and whoever else might have added to the pain. We can take hold of our futures together and live as we once dreamed.”
She was shaking her head before he finished, and he felt his stomach sink even further.
She lifted her eyes to meet his while extracting her hand then backing away.
“I can’t imagine war and battles or the fear and degradation of those things— and I am so sorry that you faced such horror.
I do not mean to discount your hardship in any way. ”
She paused for breath, and when she spoke again, her voice wavered.
“However, I don’t believe you can imagine what it felt like to be so abandoned.
Life for me was just as I’d been before you left, with all of the same expectations and frustrations.
I had nothing to distract me from your absence, and I was so devoted to you.
So certain. I withstood my parents’ anger and frustrations when I refused to pursue a match.
I lived as though you would walk through the door tomorrow and make everything worth the sacrifice. But you didn’t even write.”
He opened his mouth to revive the argument that he had written, but she spoke again before he could.
“I cannot express how difficult it was to recover when I realized that you were gone from my life— and what a fool I felt. So yes, I did become engaged because my prospects were poor, and I was so very lonely. I thought I could capture at least part of the life you and I had planned, but then I broke my agreement because he was not you. I believed that after loving you so wholly, I could never love another. The complications of that time are without description, though I know it was not a battle of life and death as you faced. My parents were humiliated; I hurt a good man who cared for me and I rejected the chance to have children of my own. It has taken years to find a place of comfort, years to not have you intrude into my thoughts, and to not dwell on all I have lost.”
“I am so sorry, Reggie.” He wished she would let him hold her. “I am so very sorry, and I would do anything to take the pain of those years from you. Does it not help to know that I loved you desperately too, that I never stopped loving you?”
She raised one hand to her head as though it was beginning to ache. “I don’t know. I don’t know what to think.”
“Then don’t think.” He took a step closer. “Just feel what it is like for us to be together. Allow those years to drop away and let us go back to how we were.”
“We can’t go back.” She dropped her hand and shook her head.
“I cannot forget what has happened and though you say you wrote, how am I to simply believe the word of a man I have not heard from for fifteen years? For you to imply that we can simply begin where we ended is unfair. We are not children; we may not even like each other as we are now. So much has happened—we are not who we once were. So much has happened.”
“Then we shall begin anew,” he said with hope. “We shall become reacquainted with each other and fall in love again.”
Emotion rose in her face as her mask of anger slipped, and her tears overflowed. He attempted to pull her into his arms, but she pushed him away, creating even more distance between them.
“You make it sound so simple, but it is not. You are asking me to risk too much, trust too much, hope too much. The last time I did that, my heart was broken beyond repair.”
Ross felt his frustration rising. She was so stubborn, so determined not to trust him, and he did not know how to break through the barriers.
“I cannot guarantee that there won’t be difficulties, but I can promise you with my whole heart that I love you, that I am committed to doing whatever it takes for us to find a way.
I do not believe I was spared for nothing.
I still believe I was spared for you, Reggie.
To restore to both of us all we have lost. As soon as I discovered you were unmarried, I knew to my very bones that we were meant to be together. ”
She regarded him, still crying, then spun on her heel and walked back the way she’d come.
The things he could say or should say raced through his mind, but it was all things he’d said already, yet it seemed as though she had not heard any of his words. He could think of only one thing he had not yet tried.
He ran to get ahead of her, and after passing her, turned to block her way. When she attempted to step around him, he took her by the shoulders and kissed her before she could prevent it.
As his lips connected to hers, a wave of warmth enveloped him, and he begged her heart to hear his and know of his dedication, know of his love for her, and try to trust him again.