November 5
Great Falls, Montana
The beeping of his alarm pulled him out of his thoughts.
It was a reminder that another day had passed, another day was now here.
Kevin didn’t need the alarm to wake him up.
He never really fell asleep, not since that night.
This was the life he’d come to know, a life of feeling too much and yet nothing at all.
He was in a constant state of semi-consciousness, a state where he was not asleep, but not fully awake either.
It was a potent blend, a place where dreams mix with reality, a place where what-ifs were confused with what is.
He was the only one who came out of that car crash unharmed.
He’d watched as they zipped up Perry and Shandré in black body bags.
Clayton had been rushed to the ICU only to discover that his legs couldn’t be saved and had to be amputated.
And here he was, perfectly fine with nothing but a scratch down his forearm.
Life was using guilt as the dick to fuck his mind.
He’d replayed that night in his head a million times, thinking of all the things he could have done differently to prevent this eventuality, this existence.
A lot can happen in fifteen years. From kindergarten to college.
From learning to read to learning to drive.
First day at school. First Batman figurine.
First PlayStation. First crush. First kiss.
First boner. First porn movie. First chest hair.
First taste of alcohol. He’d had his firsts of almost everything in the last fifteen years, and even though Perry may not have been part of every experience, he was always there.
And now he was gone.
There was nothing left, nothing except memories and habits.
He hated this room, and yet he hardly ever left it.
After his brother, Max, left to study in California, his parents had knocked down the wall between their bedrooms and turned it into a man-cave for Kevin and Perry.
Everywhere he looked there were more memories.
The pool table where they’d taken turns trying to beat his sister.
They never got it right. The gaming console and flat screen TV where they’d sat up until early parts of the morning trying to beat a new game.
There was even an extra bed for all the times Perry had slept over.
It was just the right size for two people.
But for Kevin alone…he was drowning in the space and emptiness.
This was the life he’d come to know. Every day he sat staring out his bedroom window, waiting to see Perry walking up the pathway.
Every time he answered his phone, he expected to hear that familiar voice telling him to get his ass in gear.
He hadn’t heard that voice in three months. He would never hear that voice again.
Death is so final. It comes without warning. It shatters and destroys and leaves behind only a longing for what used to be.
He heard a light tap on the door and then she walked in.
She was the only person who could get a smile out of him these days and it was already on his face before she reached the bed.
He wasn’t expecting her so early. Dom usually dropped off a sleeping bundle each morning before he went to work and she only woke up at around eight.
It was just past six and she was already ready for action.
A chubby hand brushed her brownish-blonde hair out of her eyes. “Good morning, Uncle K,” Makayla greeted, patting his forehead like he was a puppy.
“Good morning, Princess Kay.”
She let out an exasperated snort. His niece was a feisty one and she didn’t like it when he didn’t follow orders. “I told you, I’m Princess Anna.” She pointed her tiny forefinger at him. “And you are?”
He let out a small groan. When a three-year old tells you you’re a princess, you’re a princess. “I’m…Princess Elsa.”
“And today we’re gonna have a ball and invite the whole kingdom.”
There was a ball every day and unfortunately Kay thought it was her responsibility to provide the music.
The songs she chose to sing in her squeaky, off-key voice were usually a remix of every song on the Frozen soundtrack and she almost always incorporated her own lyrics.
He didn’t mind, though. It was cute as hell.
Shane’s boys were brats, little jerks in the making, and even he would agree with that statement. But Dom’s girls…Dom’s girls were the most precious things to hit this planet and tiny Makayla was his favorite. Playful and cheeky, she was just a chubby ball of fun.
He kicked off the covers, scooped her up, and carried her to the bathroom. “Well, first we have to brush your teeth and ask Grandma to change you out of your PJs. We can’t have Prince Hans seeing you like this.”
“I don’t like Prince Hans,” she said as he placed her on the tiled counter beside the basin. “I’m gonna marry Prince Tyler.”
Kevin smiled, squeezing the toothpaste onto her brush.
He’d heard a lot about this Tyler. From the very unstructured stories of a three-year old, he figured Tyler was his sister’s new boyfriend.
Jordan had never brought a guy home, so when she brought him along for Perry’s funeral, it was the obvious assumption.
Kevin hadn’t met him, but Tyler had certainly made an impression on Kay.
“Open up,” he said and when her mouth dropped open, he carefully began brushing her teeth. She giggled through the white foam. “You look like a bear,” she said, tugging on his beard.
He chuckled, but looked up to catch a glimpse of himself in the bathroom mirror.
Staring back at him was someone he didn’t recognize.
The brown beard he’d been growing for three months was a sign of laziness and neglect.
His blue eyes held nothing beneath them.
He turned away from the person he hated seeing and handed her a plastic cup of water. “Rinse and spit.”
She did, and after washing her face, he picked her up and carried her to the living room.
This was his new routine. No more morning classes.
No late afternoon tutorials. He’d dropped out of college, just gave up studying towards a degree in electrical engineering.
He’d been damn good at it. Both he and Clayton had aced the last semester.
But now Clayton couldn’t walk and Kevin couldn’t bring himself to go back to class knowing that he was the only one who was able to return to class.
Instead, he chose to sit at home like a bum.
He wanted to feel like the accident had destroyed his life in the same way it had destroyed the others, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t reach that level of destruction.
He hadn’t left the house since that night.
He would probably never leave his room if it weren’t for Kay.
“Wait here,” he said, setting her down on the couch. “I’ll go get you some breakfast.”
He walked down the corridor to the large kitchen and was reluctant to step in when he saw his mother and brother, Dominic, chatting at the wooden table on the other side. He didn’t greet, simply ignored them as he walked to the cupboard that contained Kay’s favorite cereal.
“Morning, baby,” his mother greeted.
“Morning,” he grumbled back, taking out the cereal box and pouring the crispy chunks into a bowl.
“You hungry? I can make breakfast for you.”
“Nope.”
He rarely had an appetite and one small meal a day was hard enough to choke down. The tragic curse of being a good, loving mother had befallen her and she always tried to make sure he was taken care of. Right now though, he didn’t want love or care. He just wanted to be left the fuck alone.
She stood up and walked to the stove. “Maybe some bacon and eggs?”
“No.”
He used a firmer tone this time because she didn’t know when to stop pushing.
She always did that. She wanted him to open up, talk about how he felt.
And maybe in her distorted view of reality, the three of them sitting down like a happy family, eating bacon and eggs, would somehow pull him out of his spiral of depression.
Maybe in her head, she thought breakfast had some kind of cosmic healing power, that it would magically erase the consuming ache he felt every fucking second of the day.
In her world of colorful butterflies and prancing unicorns, a mother’s love was enough to absorb that pain.
But in this world, in this reality, she was only making it worse.
She clearly got the hint because she began fidgeting with her apron, debating whether she should push a little more. A blanket of tension settled over the kitchen. Even Dom went into a standby stance, staring at Kevin, just waiting for him to snap. Because he always snapped.
“You have to eat, baby,” she began apprehensively. “If you’re not very hungry, I could just make a snack. Chocolate chip cookies? I could have it ready before Dom leaves for work and we could all eat together. Wouldn’t that be great?”
Kevin shoved the cereal box back into the cupboard and slammed the door shut. “No,” he replied through gritted teeth. “I don’t want any fucking chocolate chip cookies. And no, I don’t think it would be great.”
“Hey!” Dom’s stern tone was a warning. Their mother despised curse words and Dom didn’t hesitate for a second. “Watch your mouth, Kevin.”
Dom slowly stood up. It was an intimidation tactic. All his brothers, Dom, Shane, and Max, hovered at above six foot. Even his sister, Jordan, was tall, but Kevin was the runt of the litter, barely making it to five-seven. He was more lithe than muscular and Dom could overpower him in seconds.