Snow in the Desert
J ulian gazed out at the Dubai skyline from the 54th floor of his hotel room, the vibrant city unfolding before him like a shimmering tapestry of modern architecture and sprawling desert. The sun dipped low, casting a golden hue over the towering skyscrapers. Each building seemed to tell a story, showcasing the ambition and innovation that characterized this influential center of the oil industry. Tomorrow, they would reveal a project he had been developing for months—an investment poised to become a major milestone in his career. But in spite of his recent success, there was much more beneath the surface. The accolades and admiration he received often concealed the struggles and sacrifices that accompanied his rise.
As part of the front desk staff’s usual practice, they recommended that he invite some company to his hotel room for the evening. They even offered to arrange it, knowing that he’d taken advantage of this in the past.
“No thanks, I am content.” He swiftly declined the offer. He wanted nothing more than for Lucie to be here, to share these moments of triumph with her only. No matter how much he tried to convince himself that she was simply passionate about her career, it felt like she needed far more time away from him than he could emotionally bear. But for her sake, he was willing to bear anything emotionally.
I miss you already , Lucie had written earlier, and a warmth spread through him re-reading her text. The words cut the distance between them, though he couldn’t shake the disappointment in himself. They had promised no more secrets, yet somehow, He had ended up with another one. And it wasn’t a white lie to protect her. It wasn’t even a desperate attempt to achieve normalcy, like when he’d created an online dating profile two years ago. This would be a lie that would drive a wedge between them and reignite her past trauma. He now had to bury the ghost of his addiction in the desert for good, or he couldn’t marry her.
Julian poured himself a whiskey from the minibar. This was one of those rare moments when he had the space to ruminate over his choices.
It all began as an innocent escape with one of the models from his talent agency, Jazmin. He’d never forget her name; she entered his life when he’d been feeling particularly vulnerable, knowing that Lucie may have fallen for the young mechanic from Hawaii. Tarnakis had shackled him, compelling Julian to suppress his emotions for Lucie, which led to an overwhelming sense of inner panic. In this memory, photographs of her and Bradley lay scattered across his glass table, tempting him to shatter the surface as if that could end their unraveling romance. If she was in love, the least he could do was to honor it. Yet he felt so bitter because for the first time, his money had rendered him powerless.
His security followed her, to ensure she was still under the protection of the best. It wasn’t hard to see that she still wasn’t over him. Her grief was his only hope that maybe it wasn’t over after all. But then there were the reports of her in Hawaii, staying overnight in a house with him, and it could mean only one thing. She was moving on and giving the most intimate parts of herself to him.
Meanwhile, Rose had been falling apart on him too; she had been hospitalized due to a serious fall. Though her recovery was quick, the guilt weighed heavily on him. For a seventy-year-old woman like her, this whole situation had become an overwhelming heartbreak, and this probably contributed to her accident.
He should have anticipated it all and avoided purchasing the luxury yacht company entirely. What had happened to his impeccable judgment in business? He downed another shot of whiskey in absolute frustration.
The unpleasant memory lingered. The flashback of that day consumed him to the point of self-hate. Julian felt a knot tighten in his stomach as he processed Tarnakis’s cryptic warning. He paced the small, dimly lit room, the weight of uncertainty heavy on his shoulders. If Oliver couldn’t find anything soon, they were running out of time. At night, all he could think about was that the girl that he loved was in the arms of another man. She now considered him selfish, a label that pierced his heart.
“Stay strong, don’t respond to any of her messages,” Oliver had cautioned him. “The more attention you give Shannon, the safer she’ll be.” Julian recognized the truth in those words. His only option was to keep his distance.
Even though he already had antidepressants, it still felt that the depression of recent weeks would now swallow him whole. And Jazmin brought an instant solution. “Just once, try it” she whispered, her full lips inviting him to hell. They weren’t real, but he didn’t care. She wrapped them around his erection, once he agreed to snort the coke up his nose. It was an exhilarating experience, and for once, he was no longer aware of the excruciating pain. Though the whole time, he couldn’t bring himself to look at her face because it felt as if her features had somehow morphed into Lucie’s. Except the sensation wasn’t the same. Jazmin’s tongue flicked out like a snake’s. It wasn’t as generous and loving as Lucie’s. It was possessive, lustful, and emotionless. He suddenly wanted to throw up at the choice to even do this.
“Please leave,” he exclaimed unable to finish. His voice turned icy and commanding, but now, fueled by drugs coursing through his veins, it cut through the air with an angry, razor-like edge. “Here,” he gave her $20,000 in cash from his money drawer. “Please sign the paperwork with my secretary before you leave.”
“Julian, you’re not paying me for the blowjob, are you?” She puckered her eyebrows.
More like a half-blowjob.
Thanks to Botox, the result was a stark contrast between the rigidity of her forehead and the softness of her eyes, creating an almost eerie impression that left her features frozen in a state of heightened alertness. She scorned his inability to come.
“No, I’m paying you not to tell Shannon.” He cradled her face in his hands, trying to be gentle because she was still a woman. The last thing he’d intended to make her feel like a prostitute. Nobody could know that Shannon was an undercover agent, even though it didn’t seem to matter as much anymore. His reputation as a womanizer would only continue to protect Lucie.
Jazmin, offended but still accepting the money, gathered her things. “I’ll see you next time. When you need more,” she gave him a sassy smile, slamming the door behind her.
He never again took her up on the offer, but he’d found other ways to satisfy his new habit.
Everything swam back into focus. He suddenly felt an all-consuming familiar tug, to have cocaine again. Already so fast? These days, it seemed like it was never enough. It had started only with a couple of grams. Now he was bleeding from his nose and his account. Money used to hold more value, that’s how he knew he’d fallen to the bottom of a pit.
The silver lining? In a twisted way, he felt closer to his mom. She had battled addictions, often prioritizing them over him, but now he understood the allure they held. Maybe, after all, she didn’t die because of him like he’d always thought. She died in spite of him. Strangely, this provided a blanket of comfort. Was he doomed to follow her path?
And there was an added benefit: it transformed him into the person he’d always wanted to be—someone impervious to the past altogether. It fit his brain like a well-made glove. Could he tell Lucie that he felt more like himself than ever? Heartless? No, still he wasn’t completely heartless. For her, he’d go to the end of the earth and that was part of the problem.
Now he was meant to refer to Lucie as his wife, and he had everything that he’d ever wished. He reached into the pocket of his suit and pulled out a small plastic bag, a gesture that brought him a strange sense of calm. With greed, he laid its contents out on the ornate table before him. The rush of it, as the powder traveled up his nostrils, into his receptors, was unlike anything he’d ever known. This would be the last time, he promised himself. He’d do it for her. The shaking stopped. The bubbling anger subsided. But for the opening day, he could face the public in a way that finally worked for him, alongside the devil.