12. Twelve
Twelve
Toni
Jack Walker was working for my father. I barely maintained enough composure to keep still until the town car left and Jack walked away. Then, my whole body slumped against the phone booth wall. I’m not sure how long I stayed there.
It was only when I started to hear the regular shouting of children’s voices echoing through the trees that I moved. I had responsibilities this afternoon, but none of them seemed to matter as much as they did before lunch.
Agonde had always felt like my safe place.
This hidden fortress in the woods where, as a child, I could escape my father’s wretched presence.
Even last summer, it had helped me pay the bills, it had helped me find my way back to, well, to Xavi at least, and it had given me real friends for the first time in my adult life.
Despite Francis’s constant threats, even the last few weeks had felt like drawing in that first big breath after too long under water.
Only now, every memory I had of this place, but especially of Jack, felt mired in one inescapable question: Was he working for my father?
Was he working for my father that first day when I got off the bus at eight years old and he welcomed me with a wave and a smile?
Was he working for my father the day he called us into his office to punish Cole for fighting?
When I cried in his arms at thirteen about summer coming to an end?
When he watched Brennon and Xavi hug Cole and I goodbye as we loaded onto that same coach bus at fifteen?
These were the questions that plagued me throughout the afternoon.
Through the open swim, where I swapped head guard duty with one of another cabin leader, Alex, because I was in no state to pay attention.
Then, through dinner, where I lifted fork after fork to my mouth but didn’t taste a single thing.
Even hours later, nothing was any clearer, and though many of my worst memories stood out in stark focus, memories of unwanted touches, pain, and darkness, many of my best ones were too clouded with laughter or tears to know what I was seeing.
Or, in this case, just how much I had missed.
Only one thing was incredibly clear, whatever my brother was doing here, whatever he and my father were up to, Jack, and Agonde were part of it. Had been for a long time. I didn’t know what to think, or what to do. The only thing I was certain of was that I needed to talk to Xavier.
It wasn’t until much later that night that I caught up with him.
Knowing that Francis was off the property made it much easier to be brave and to take the risk of someone seeing us together, so when the staff social hour rolled around that night I broke away from my friends, lying about the need for a snack and an early night.
Instead, I wound my way into the dark kitchen corner where I knew Xav would be hiding out.
Tucked in his favourite hiding spot, in a tight black t-shirt that showed every bit of his athletic frame, he was leaning against the long edge of the prep counter.
Normally, he’d be watching through the serving windows, keeping an eye on me and observing everyone else, but tonight his attention was entirely on a folder clutched in his hands.
It wasn’t until I pushed it down gently so I could see his eyes in the dark that he even noticed my presence.
He flinched at the unexpected closeness, but his posture relaxed for a second when he realized it was me. But only a second.
“Toni, what are you doing? What about Francis?”
“My brother’s not here, Xav.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean he’s not here,” I repeated, “but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t still be careful.”
Taking a move from my boyfriend’s playbook, my eyes roved over the dining hall for any sign of Jack or anyone else keeping tabs on my whereabouts.
All the other staff mingling around the dining hall seemed preoccupied, between chatter, card games, and cups of coffee, meaning no one watched as the two of us slipped out the kitchen doors.
I dragged Xav by the hand until we were through the bramble hedge and alone in the dark at Stones’ Throw. When I let go–only so I could use both of my own to get my bearings amongst the circle of boulders–Xavi asked, in hushed tones the dark seemed to demand, “Nettie…wild girl, what’s going on?”
“I don’t know…or at least I don’t understand, but I think it’s something bigger than just my brother being here,” I answered, and then in hushed words of my own, I relayed back to Xavier everything that happened.
From Francis’s threats that morning to the conversation I overheard between Jack, Mikhael and Francis in the parking lot.
When I finally stopped talking, there was a beat of silence. One I hadn’t expected. Nor did I expect him to raise the folder he’d carried with us and slap it against one of the rocks, so the sound cracked against the quiet.
“Fuck!” He cursed, “That means I was right. Or at least partially right.”
“Right about what?” I asked.
“When Holly disappeared last summer,” The mention of Holly’s name sent me straight back to that day on the water, and I gasped at the recollection, but that didn’t stop Xavi, “I know Jack said over and over that she went home to her family. But Nettie, she didn’t.”
“What?!” Everything in my bones last summer had screamed that there was something off about what happened to Holly.
“How do you know? Abbi talked to her sister-”
“That’s just it, wild girl, Holly’s camper file didn’t mention siblings.”
“Would it?”
“I’m starting to think so,” he answered, shoving the folder towards me. There was a neatly printed label across the front that I could just read, thanks to the bright moonlight that filtered through the trees, with the name ‘Abigail Collins’ in clear, black ink.
“Abbi?” I questioned.
Xavi shrugged, “It’s her camper file. I grabbed it from one of the office filing cabinets this afternoon.”
“You stole her camper file?”
“Yes, now read it.”
He reached out and flipped open the folder revealing the pages within.
The very first one had a small picture of a young Abbi, her smile exactly the same as it was now, stapled to the top left corner.
With hesitation, because somehow reading the pages felt like invading my friend’s privacy, I skimmed what it said.
Her date of birth, parents’ names, details about their jobs as biochemists, including where they worked.
Below that, mentions of a stepbrother from her father’s first marriage right down to his name and age.
There was even a checkbox question that asked, ‘Is the sibling, or has the sibling ever been at Agonde,’ with the ‘no’ box checked in black ink.
There were more pages, with more writing, but I didn’t want to trespass on Abbi’s history any more than I would want someone reading my own. If she ever decided to tell me, or not, that was her business. I flipped her folder closed and looked up into Xav’s shadowed face, and asked, “Why?”
His voice was low and grim, “What happened to Holly…it was too much like—,” recognition dawned on me as I listened, “like what happened to Rachel.”
“Holy shit” I breathed, because if Holly really did disappear, then it was exactly like what happened to Rachel.
“But if there was no sibling listed in Holly’s file, then who did Abbi speak to on the phone?”
Xav just shook his head, “I don’t know.”
For nearly ten years, Xavi had been forced to live with what happened to his sister.
I knew, even when we were little, how much that weighed on him.
I reached out to hug him, and he let me, wrapping his arms around my back and holding on tight.
With his chin resting on my shoulder, he explained, “I’ve been stealing old camper files. ”
I drew back to look at him.
“Randomly. Whenever I can. They are locked up in Jack’s office, in those old filing cabinets, but as we found out last summer, he forgets to lock it sometimes.”
“Why?”
“What if there’s information in there?” The question came out strained, “What if there’s something in her file that I missed.”
“And have you found it? Her file?”
“Not yet. Up until now, I’ve had nothing. It’s been years since I’ve found anything.”
“Until now?”
I felt like the odd man out in a bad joke, only able to ask questions because I couldn’t understand what he was saying.
“Wild girl, don’t you feel it? Holly? Your brother? Jack? Hell, even you being back here in the first place!”
The words were rushed, and there was an energy behind them that replaced his sadness, “It all feels connected.”
“Wait! You think? How?”
“I didn’t think. Not until today. Not until just now. But what you overheard this afternoon is the first new piece in a puzzle I’ve been trying to solve for a very long time.”
He leaned towards me and sandwiched my face between his hands so he could pull me in for a long kiss. When we broke apart, I was breathless, and he was smiling.
“It’s not an answer, but it’s a start. And it deserves a celebration!” Xavi said, grabbing my hand and pulling me off the rock I was leaning against, “I want to show you something.”
Unable to resist the tug of his hand, and the pull of his childish smile, I cast back one of my own and together we ran hand in hand away from the Throw, through the forest and the Village, all the way down toward the water.
Normally a sprinter, Xav ran just fast enough for me to keep up, and for me to avoid tripping over roots in the dark.
In between fits of giggles, I demanded to know where we were going, until we skidded to a stop at the end of the boat dock.
Then, he spun me around, right into his open arms. The heat of him wrapped around me, and against the shell of my ear he whispered, “It’s a full moon tonight. Come watch the stars with me?”
His eyes twinkled and my words from last summer–spoken in the back of the crappy car I still missed–came back to me.
My moon, my stars, and my whole damn universe.
I didn’t need to say a word now. I could live in fear of Francis tomorrow.
Tonight, I wanted the love this summer had promised before it went to hell.
I lifted one foot, high and exaggerated before stepping out onto the dock, “Does that answer your question?” I replied.
Xavi laughed low and deep. It made heat crawl up my spine.
“There’s my wild girl.”
He then followed me out onto the dock, pausing to pull off that move that only guys seem to be capable of, he reached one arm overhead and tugged his t-shirt off in a single fluid motion.
I couldn’t help myself. The exposed moon overhead cast just the right amount of light so his tanned skin glowed.
I was so focused on his chest, and practically drooling, that it took the snap of a button and the whoosh of fabric for me to realize he’d ditched his jeans, too.
“Time to get naked, pretty girl, unless you want those clothes getting soaked.”
Puzzled, I stared at him. He pointed out over the dark water, “The best views are out there.”
The water trampoline. During the day, under the sun, it was such an ugly, fluorescent, shade of yellow that just seemed out of place against the green backdrop of the forest shores behind it.
Plus, it might as well have had the Barrett Holdings logo stamped across it, considering Francis wouldn’t shut up about how it was a ‘family donation’.
Mostly, I tried to pretend it wasn’t there.
But with only the stars, the hot night air, and full July moon overhead, the yellow didn’t seem so garish.
And the night was so still and thick–this morning’s chill replaced by heat in the late afternoon–that the slow ripples of the water promised cool relief.
Still, I really didn’t want to swim out there in my sweats, so, following suit, I yanked off my own clothing, leaving it in a heap on the dock.
My bra and thong weren’t far off from a bikini anyway.
Xavi’s eyes were hard to read in the dark, but his wolf’s grin wasn’t.
Gentle Xavier was gone, and he left a hunter in his place.
I knew just how to make that wolf howl. Maybe in another life, I would have been embarrassed by the plain cotton bra I was wearing, practical and no-nonsense.
Since returning to my father, I’d of course been forced to ‘improve’ my wardrobe, meaning forced shopping trips with Francis and Mikhael, where my brother dressed me like an overgrown doll, complete with lacy underthings that made me sick to my stomach.
On more than one trip, I’d had to excuse myself, unable to hold back my nausea.
So, for the most part, the fancy lingerie went ignored at the bottom of my drawer unless I was forced to wear it.
And there had been times over the last eight months, times that made my throat close up, where I had been forced.
Thankfully, out here, there was no Mikhael to report back to my father, and even Francis’ power was limited by the realities of Camp life. So, simple underwear for the win.
At least it was black. Tracing my fingers along the edge where cotton met skin, my nipples, visible through the thin material, hardened, served as just enough of a distraction for me to catch him off guard with a wink and a taunt. Xavi didn’t seem to give a shit.
“Catch me if you can!” I said before I turned and ran to the very tip of the dock.
Lightning fast as always, I could feel his racing steps as he chased me, but I wasn’t about to make this easy for him.
In the water, he was no match for me, so just as the dock dipped again under our combined weight, I dove.
The darkness that enveloped me might have frightened most people, but the cold and the shadows seemed to strip away the worst bits of my day.
Several smooth strokes later, my hands wrapped around the trampoline’s rope ladder.
My head broke the surface, and I barely clambered over the inflated edges of the thing when Xav caught up to me.
I expected him to pounce, but instead, he leapt over the edge and caught my hand again, back to his gentle self.
The material of the trampoline was slippery under our wet feet, and using his hands to steady me, he guided us down until we lay side by side, staring up at the night sky with nothing left to worry about except the pattern of the stars.