23. Twenty-Three #2
By the time dinner rolled around, I was caked in layers of sunscreen.
Being on the beach all afternoon meant standing under the hot sun with no shade except the shadow of the lifeguard chair.
I needed a shower, and about eight gallons of water.
So much so, that when the dining hall doors opened for dinner, I swapped my regular plastic cup for a jug and just drank straight from it.
Around the hall, everyone, staff and kids alike, were still wearing their togas and carrying their various crafts and costumes collected throughout the day.
Several cardboard sword fights broke out, and when Cole got up to make announcements at the end, it was only to declare himself Emperor of Agonde.
Usually, Abbi would have been up there with him, but I hadn’t noticed her sneaking towards Michele and I instead.
She ducked between the two of us and in a rushed whisper, said “Meet me in the Section Office. Go now.”
She scurried away, moving back toward the stage where Cole was revealing to the whole camp that today’s gladiator training had all been leading up the ultimate gladiator showdown taking place after dinner. Really, it was little more than a gladiator-themed version of Ultimate Frisbee.
The game at least partially explained Xavi’s absence.
He was probably down on the Activities Field setting up.
Basically, the whole camp would be split into two teams, facing off to get the ‘discus’, as Cole dubbed the frisbee, into the opposite team’s end.
Cole continued to explain the rules while I nudged at Michele, “You go first, I’ll follow. ”
As casually as she could, minus the look of sheer confusion on her face, Michele got up and headed for the doors.
Once she was gone, I waited another minute before getting up, too.
My movement didn’t go unnoticed, though, and from the stage, Cole’s eyes landed on me the second I stood up.
He didn’t pause or even falter over his words, but I could feel the intensity of his stare with every step, until well after the large doors had closed behind me.
I caught up to Michele at the Section Office.
Technically, I had every right to use this office, just like all the other section heads, but it was mainly Abbi and Cole’s space.
You could tell which desk Abbi used by the old school Aaliyah posters and goofy stickers stuck everywhere.
Not to mention that one desk was basically empty, while the other was covered in sparkly orange notebooks and more than one pink pen with a feather pompom instead of a regular old cap.
Cole and I hadn’t been friends for a while, but I was still pretty confident he wasn’t the one using glitter pens.
Abbi and Bells weren’t far behind us and came strolling through the door less than five minutes after.
Abbi spun her desk chair around, so she was sitting on it backwards, facing the rest of us. She pointed to Cole’s desk and chair, “Grab a seat,” but as I maneuvered my way over to the only other chair, she tsked, “Nah-ah-ah, Miss Barrett, not you.”
The use of my last name always felt a bit like a punch to the gut, but right now, it was also an extra reminder of how much I owed these girls, and how little of myself I’d willingly shared with them, both this summer and last. Appropriately chastised, I let Michele and Bella get seated.
Michele in the chair and Bella leaning on the Cole’s empty desk.
“So, what’s going on, Toni?” Bella was the first to ask.
“How long have you got,” I laughed sadly. The full story was going to take a while.
“A bit,” Abbi answered, flashing a glance at the clock on the wall behind me, “The game starts in a half hour, but Bella will need to be back with her girls a little before that.”
“Guess I better start talking then,” I sighed, “The first thing you need to know is that my father is not a good person.”
Nobody, and I mean nobody, deserves to hear the sick details of what my father made me endure.
Especially not my friends. Did I hold back to spare them the second-hand trauma, sure.
But did I also hold back out of a lethal combination of shame and self-preservation, also likely.
Although I’d shared bits and pieces with Xavier since last August, only my father and I would ever know the true details of what happened those nights he ripped me from my bedroom closet.
Hand in hand with his abuse had been the conditioning that taught me that silence, lies and stoicism, that the ability to pretend everything was fine, were skills I was meant to have and to hone.
And God, did I ever hone them. I was still doing it now, as I skated over the worst of what had been done to me.
Still, three horrified faces looked back at me.
Bella and Abbi fixed in a kind of angry horror.
Michele, gentle soul she was, was near tears.
Not one of them spoke. They barely even breathed.
Maybe they all sensed that if they interrupted me, if they comforted me, there was no way I would have made it through to the end of the story.
Instead, I paced the small room, words racing from my lips
“Then Nick, and the trial…” I didn’t need to linger on that part.
Xavier, Cole and Brennon had effectively exposed those secrets for me, and now, I was grateful.
Only when I got to my brother’s role in all of this did I stall.
I had never articulated the difference between the little boy who held teddy bear picnics with me and the creature he became later.
The changes were so incremental that, at first, I didn’t notice.
But as his smiles got crueler and his jokes got meaner, as his hands became weapons he could use against me.
Even I couldn’t deny them. It seemed like every summer I’d come home from camp and find him further changed.
And not for the better. Until eventually, looking at Francis was like looking at a rough draft of our father.
All of the evil, none of the refined manners to hide it.
“My brother is sick,” I finally said, “A sadist…at least I think, maybe that’s just part of it. But he enjoys dealing out pain, he enjoys hurting people, me in particular. I’m not sure if he wants to keep me or kill me. He’d probably enjoy either, or ideally both.”
I was babbling. I couldn’t help it.
“And then he came here, and at first, I thought it was just to keep an eye on me. To spy on me for my father. They kept me locked up, you know?” Words spilled out quicker and quicker as my story played catchup to the present.
“I wasn’t even sure they’d let me come back here.
I thought it was a reward for good behaviour.
I figured Francis was just our father’s way of making sure I didn’t disappear again.
Now, I think that might just be a nice side-benefit, ever since I caught him and Jack talking about Holly, and maybe it’s all tied back to Rachel-”
I’d well and truly lost it at that point, I sounded like a lunatic, even to my own ears. Abbi cut me off, “Woah, woah, woah, slow down there. What about Holly? And who is Rachel?”
Fair questions, ones that I needed to compose myself to answer.
Michele reached out her hand and squeezed mine, just like I’d seen her do to Cole only a few days ago.
My pulse was racing, breaths shallow, but as she caught my hand in hers, she murmured, “It’s okay, Toni, take your time. We’re right here.”
She didn’t let go of my hand, either. One day, she was going to be one hell of a therapist. If she wasn’t my friend, I’d hire her to be mine right now.
God knows I needed one. But that one act did the trick.
My breathing calmed slightly, and I was able to explain properly, about Rachel, about why Xav and I were keeping our distance, and about what we suspected Jack had done with Holly.
That was probably the worst part. Having to admit to my friends that I was pretty sure Jack had made some sort of deal with my father for the low, low, price of that poor girl’s innocence, or maybe worse, her life.
Which was what finally prompted Abbi to break her stony silence, “I knew something was wrong. That girl, the sister, she was so rude. She basically hung up on me when I asked about Holly.”
“Now we know there was no sister,” Bella confirmed.
“So, who the hell did I talk to? Whose number did Jack give me?”
We all shrugged. None of us had an answer. All I could say was, “Xav and I are working on it. But between doing our jobs and trying to fly under my brother’s radar, it’s been slow.”
“Hmmmm,” Abbi chewed her bottom lip, “We might not be able to help too much with the plan, but I will ask Riley, he’s in that office every day! Maybe he can get to the files?”
I nodded. We needed more help. Xav and I weren’t cutting it.
“And maybe, we can help in one more way, too!” Bella piped up, “I think we can help you get some alone time with that man of yours. How you use it is up to you,” she eyed me suggestively. It broke the tension, and we all laughed with relief.