ColeAged 16 - 5 years ago
Ipanicked. The second Xav’s eyes closed, and his breathing levelled out, I started shitting myself.
What the fuck had I done? I lay there, just staring at him feeling every worry and fear I’d ever had in my whole life just spiral out of control.
All I could think of was every stupid thing Carl had ever said to me.
Every time he’d used words like ‘faggot’ or ‘fairy’ or ‘pansy’ or ‘wimp’.
Every time he’s said, ‘Pussies don’t play hockey,’ or told me to quit being a ‘little bitch’.
Now, here I was. I’d just kissed a boy. We’d done more than just kiss.
And I’d loved every second of it. Longed for every second of it.
Even while I berated myself for doing it.
It was wrong. It wasn’t normal. I wasn’t supposed to feel like this.
Now, afterwards, I kept repeating to myself, “But Toni. I love Toni. I want Toni.”
And that was true. Maybe I’d just used Xavi as a substitute.
Maybe what just happened was a blip. Both of us just missing and wanting the same girl.
Yeah, that’s all it was. We could pretend it never happened.
I was going to pretend. It could never happen again.
Xavi would get that. I was sure. But the first thing that couldn’t happen was staying here.
Getting caught. I slipped my arm out from under Xav, and moving as slow as I could, got up and inched my way off the dock, one slow footstep at a time.
At the gate, I paused, looking back. He hadn’t moved.
He was a still sleeper. He’d be fine. We’d be fine.
I clambered over the gate. It had to be past midnight now.
All around me, the woods were deathly silent except for the sounds of the forest that come alive at night.
The brush of leaves. The ticks and croaks of insects.
The whooshes of bats soaring amidst the pines.
I should’ve gone back to Dogwood. Should’ve crawled into my sleeping bag and played dumb. Instead, I went to the Throw.
As soon as I stepped into the small clearing around the stones, I knew I wasn’t alone. When his flashlight flicked on, Brennon’s long, thin face, lit up like something from one of my favourite horror movies.
“Where’s Xav?”
Fear sliced through me. Fear that Brennon knew, would know, would figure it out, would tell people. Would tell my dad. That last one was irrational. Brennon hated Carl, just like I hated Blue. That didn’t stop the fear though.
“I dunno.”
“What?”
I grunted, “I dunno. We, uh, split up. Well, not split up. Not like that.”
In the glow of the flashlight, Brennon’s blue eyes looked like dinner plates.
“You what? What the fuck happened, Cole?” He demanded.
“Nothing,” I grunted again, shoving past him to sit on the biggest of the boulders.
“Pffft. Clearly,” he replied, twisting to follow me, “What happened? You guys never came back to the cabin? Jack has all the cabin leaders out searching for you.”
I just shrugged. I couldn’t focus. All I could feel was relief that we didn’t get caught. That I didn’t get caught.
“Where were you?”
Why couldn’t he just drop it? I needed him to drop it.
“Leave it, man.”
He shone his flashlight on me. The white light of it was blinding after so many hours in the dark. “Don’t give me that shit. I was worried about you. Both of you. Where were you?”
Why couldn’t he stop. This wasn’t some fucking interrogation. It felt like an interrogation.
“You worry too much,” I growled.
“Yeah, so you fucking told me the other day. But apparently, I’m too stupid to listen. So yeah, I was worried.”
I reached out and swatted the light away from my face, “Well, you don’t need to be anymore. You found me.”
“Yeah, and you look like shit. And there’s still no sign of Xav, so what the fuck am I supposed to think?”
“I don’t give a fuck” I shot back, breathing harsh, “I don’t care what you think.”
“You don’t care? Really? Because it looks like you care enough to be losing your shit.” He looked from my curling fists to my face. I tried to reign in my growing frustration.
“Just go back to Dogwood, Bren,” I warned.
But that stupid fucker wouldn’t stop.
“Not until you tell me what happened!”
“No. Now FUCK. OFF.” I snapped. We’d wrestled, tussled, play fought before.
A thousand times. But that was the first time I’d ever really punched Brennon.
The full weight of my fist carried right across his brow bone.
He landed sprawled in the dirt. His flashlight rolled away from where I’d laid him out, it’s light casting the scene into full view.
Brennon looked up at me, and didn’t say a word.
No jokes, no sarcastic comments. Just an empty stare, a black hole where there was no feeling.
I knew that look. I’d seen him give that look.
To Blue. Only ever to Blue. And now, me.
I hated it. Hated him. Hated the heavy guilt sitting on my chest. Hated everything about this night.
My grip on my emotions was slipping. The shame of what I’d done, of everything I’d done tonight from the moment I kissed Xav, was ripping through me.
My body shook, and tears were welling in my eyes.
One’s that I couldn’t, wouldn’t let Brennon or anyone else see.
Through clenched teeth, I looked at him one last time and said, “Fuck. Off.”
He got up, dusted himself off, and grabbed his flashlight.
Across the dark, he looked back at me. His face was still that emotionless mask.
When he turned and walked away it was without a single word.
And something inside me ripped in pieces.
There was a caged animal shredding its way through my chest. Through the skin that Xavier had so recently warmed.
My hands, like claws, tore at my hair and my legs gave out.
So did my resistance. I cried. Like the big fucking baby, like the little bitch Carl always said I was.
I sat in the dirt, against the stone and sobbed.
The next morning, my tears were dried, but the bottomless pit inside me, that was still there.
When I turned up at our cabin door just before breakfast, our cabin leader, Jeff, took me outside and screamed at me for breaking the rules and putting my safety in jeopardy.
They’d been nearly ready to call the police, when they found Xavi on the docks but no trace of me.
By the time he finished yelling, the rest of our cabin came pouring out of the door, ready to head for breakfast. Brennon was first one out.
He looked to Jeff and muttered a quick, “Breakfast time,” before strolling down the path, hands in his jean pockets, whistling a tune to himself.
He didn’t look at me. Didn’t even acknowledge I was there.
He blew past me as if I was a ghost. Then came the other kids, one by one, and finally our leader ordered, “Go change or whatever, and then come straight to the dining hall.”
I expected an empty cabin. But standing in the centre of the room, of the dark four walls waiting for me, was Xavier. Hazel eyes. Sharp, perfect, jaw. Different clothes than those from yesterday. And a different Xavi.
“Where did you go?”
I brushed past him, making for my bunk. My duffel bag of clothes was buried under the bed, and I had to scrounge through it to find clean boxers and a t-shirt that was clean enough to wear.
Xav didn’t move, he didn’t take one step. To leave or to come closer to me.
“Why did you leave?”
Shedding my t-shirt and swapping it for the cleaner one I’d just grabbed, I concentrated on getting dressed.
“Cole?” He called.
“Cole?” His voice cracked.
That pit of shame inside me grew. The tears I thought I’d finished with returned, forcing me to drop my head and blink them away so that he wouldn’t see. When I got them under control, I lifted my head and took a deep breath. It was a blip. It never happened.
“Cole?” He tried one last time. I could hear how thick my name sounded in his throat.
He was also trying not to cry. I couldn’t stay.
I couldn’t see Xavi cry. If I did, I would never be able to pretend.
It wouldn’t be just a blip. It would be hard, and ugly, and confusing, and wonderful, and perfect, but then summer would end. I would have to go back to Carl.
Pretending was easier. Pretending was better.
So instead of answering, instead of helping my best friend, instead of holding his hand like my fingers itched to do, I brushed past him without a word.
Repeating one mantra over and over again.
The only thing that kept me from turning around and running back to him.
The whole way to the dining hall. One mantra.
It was just a blip.