12. Mac #2
“That’s good. Are you . . . jealous?” she asks. Fuck . Did I say that a little too snidely?
“No, of course not. I think I’m just frustrated.” Exasperation bleeds into my voice. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for them. But it’s frustrating to see them basically have a business handed to them when I’ve been busting my ass at the shop and it’s still my dad’s.”
“Mac. Have you talked to your dad about that? I mean, you’ve been working at the shop, practically running it on your own, based on what you s hared earlier for quite some time. Do you think your dad would be up for transferring the business to you? He’s just the name on the sign, right?”
I mull over her idea. I actually hadn’t thought of Dad signing the business over to me, but with the case coming up, it might not even be the best idea.
I shake my head. “I don’t know. After everything my dad’s been through, don’t you think he’d want to have something to still be proud of?
” I always kind of figured Dad would want the shop in his name until he was gone.
“You don’t think he has something to be proud of?” MJ’s tone is serious.
I tilt my head, urging her to continue.
“Don’t you think he’s proud of you and all you’ve done for your family?”
“How could he be?” I ask, raising my voice and instantly regretting it.
“Sorry, just—” I lower my voice back down, “how could he be proud of me? A high school dropout and now a criminal to boot.” I feel bad the moment the words leave my lips.
It’s not exactly fair to pin that on my parents, and I know they are both proud of me for all I’ve done for our family.
It’s likely the constant reminders from people in town that I’m a criminal, seeping into the conversation with MJ right now.
She sighs and leans back in her seat, nothing to say in response and I should have expected it.
We sit in silence for a while until the server brings over a basket of breadsticks.
Both reaching for one, our fingers brush and a jolt of electricity shoots up my arm.
MJ pulls back quickly like the same electricity shocked her.
“How’s your broth er? I haven’t seen him in town,” MJ smoothly changes the subject then takes a bite of her breadstick.
“He’s around, just staying here in Cedar Bend now. He has a job at the Walmart down the street.”
Our food arrives and I watch as MJ grabs another breadstick and arranges it on her plate and then pulls out her phone to take pictures.
She’s so cute and I can’t help but smile as I watch her completely in her element.
Once she’s done taking her photos and we’ve both dug into our food, I try to move the conversation along.
“What about you? I bet your dad is excited about you going to law school. Which one did you decide on?” I ask and she looks down at her plate like it suddenly became very interesting. A few beats pass and she hasn’t responded. “MJ?” I ask, getting her attention.
She swallows and looks up at me, but I can’t quite read her expression. “I haven’t decided yet.”
“Well, which ones did you apply to? I’m sure you got into all of them, so do you just need help with picking the right one?” Any chance I can help her pick something nearby? Whoa, where’d that come from ?
“Well, here’s the thing. I haven’t actually applied either.”
“What? You haven’t applied? The school year starts in just a few months. Shouldn’t you have already picked by now?”
“I don’t know. Dad is going to be so mad that I haven’t even applied yet. And trust me, I’ve tried, I just can’t seem to finish an application.” I can hear the disappointment in her voice.
“Why not? This isn’t like y ou. You’re usually so on top of things you’d already have the school picked out, have school memorabilia ordered, and be champing at the bit to get out of here.” She winces and sits back in her chair, looking all around the restaurant, anywhere but at me. Shit .
I give her a moment to process, hoping she’ll fill me in, but we sit there in silence. Her eyes go glassy, and I can tell she’s deep in her head.
“MJ?” I ask. She startles and looks at me, indecision written all over her face. “Where’d you go just now?”
“Nowhere. Sorry, just thinking.”
“Thinking about law school?” I prod. “Talk to me. I can tell by your face those were some big thoughts. I’m here, you can always talk to me.”
“Not always.” Her voice is barely above a whisper, but I heard it. Ouch. She looks up. “Shit, sorry. That wasn’t fair.”
“It’s okay. How about this? I’m here now,” I offer.
“Yeah, okay.” She accepts but doesn’t say another word until the server comes by with the check and I offer to pay. She puts up a fight, but I win her over and buy her lunch.
Heading back out to the Jeep, I again press my hand to her lower back, open the door for her, help her in, all the little things I know she deserves.
The drive back home is quiet, just the hum of tires over pavement as we fly along the freeway.
I take a chance and place my hand on her thigh.
Not too high to make it weird, but not on her knee, just solid on her thigh and squeeze.
I’m trying to reassure her I’m still here, that I’m still me and we can still be us; maybe a more grown-up version but deep down we’re still Mac and MJ.
She looks over at me like she doesn’t know who I am, but when I don’t move my hand, she settles in and accepts it. It was a bold move, but I’m tired of fighting with myself. Friends touch each other, they hold hands, and stuff, right?
It’s late afternoon by the time we make it back to the shop.
She’ll probably have to run off to make it to dinner with her parents, assuming they still do Sunday night dinners like they used to.
I back the Jeep into the driveway and hop out, heading to the back to get the part out.
Taking it inside, I drop it onto the shop table with a heavy thud.
I’ll have to finish that job tonight and it will probably take me most of the night, but I have no regrets about how I spent my time today.
I head back to MJ’s car and pull out the beach towel I placed on the bottom of the trunk. “Sorry, MJ, your towel got a little dirty. I can wash it and give it back, though.” She’s rounding the back of the Jeep and I tilt the towel toward her so she can see the grease stain.
“Nah, it’s fine. I can just wash it at home.
No worries.” She goes back to the passenger side and rummages in the front seat.
I fold the towel up and set it back on the floor, making sure the grease stain isn’t touching anything.
Her footsteps are light in the gravel as she makes her way back to the trunk.
“Don’t forget, you said you’d annotate this for me?
” She says it like a question, not a statement, so I reassure her.
“Yes, of course. Which reminds me.” I take the book from her and then grab my bag from the backseat, placing the new one inside and pulling out two more. “Here, these are for you.” I offer them to her, and she looks at the books and then up at me.
“You—you didn’t have to.”
“I know, I wanted to. I’ve read them and I saw you eyeing them. Maybe you’ll annotate them for me sometime?” Hope tinges my voice.
“Yeah, I . . .” she takes the books from me and tucks them under her arm, “I’ve missed annotating for each other.
I’ve missed . . .” she trails off. My heart races, hoping she was about to say she’s missed me.
Before I can respond, she’s hitting me with a question I wasn’t quite prepared for. “What happened to us?”
I sigh, kicking the dirt and making a small cloud of dust float up around our feet. I knew this would eventually come up.
“It was that summer I turned sixteen when everything changed between us. I know your dad was sick, but I never understood why you just disappeared. Why you didn’t talk to me and fill me in on what was going on.” The accusation is like a punch to the gut. For a moment, I can’t take a full breath.
“I didn’t mean to, MJ. I just—”
“Mac, what did I do wrong?” Her eyes fill with tears. Fuck .
“You didn’t do anything wro ng. It was me. It was this stupid town.” I sigh and look down.
“What does that even mean?”
“That summer,” I hesitate. “That summer, I realized you were going to do big things with your life. You had dreams and ambitions, and I was going to be stuck in this town working at my dad’s shop.
” She shakes her head in denial, but I know it’s the truth.
“You were going somewhere, MJ. And it was clear after my dad got sick that I wouldn’t ever go anywhere besides right here. ”
It’s the truth, but it’s not everything.
What I don’t say is that I could’ve loved her.
I might have fallen for her that summer, maybe even before.
But my love would have been suffocating.
I would’ve drowned her, bogged her down.
And I know her, she would’ve stayed. She would’ve stayed and been happy for a while, but then resented me.
Because she put her dreams on hold. For what?
Girls like MJ don’t settle, they don’t sit still, and she would’ve hated me.
I give her another half-truth, still not meeting her eyes.
“I’m no good for you, MJ. I’m not. But now that you’re back home, I can’t stop thinking about you.
” I step toward her, and when she doesn’t move back, I step closer.
“I’m trying to be your friend again.” Reaching up, I wipe the tears tracking down her cheeks and blow out a breath.
“At least until you leave again.” Rubbing her cheeks softly, catching every tear I’m causing to fall, my heart breaks in half.
I don’t want to hurt her. I know I need to tell her the truth, but she doesn’t deserve the hurt, either.
“Please don’t cry , baby.” The nickname falls from my lips so easily; her eyes connect with mine, red, puffy, and full of surprise.
“I’ve missed you,” she finally says, sniffling.
“I’ve missed you too.” I take another chance and pull her into me.
Letting her cry into my chest. “So fucking much,” I whisper.
She wraps her arms around me, wedging the books between our chests.
We stand like that for what feels like a lifetime until she finally takes a deep breath and steps back, clutching the books to her now.
Reaching up, I tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear and give her a soft smile. She gives me a watery smile back and then steps back fully, turning toward her Jeep. “I gotta get home for dinner.”
“Yeah, I have some work to do. Thank you for today.”
She nods. I watch her leave until she’s out of sight before I head back to the shop.
I work late into the night before realizing I haven’t eaten anything since lunch with MJ.
Wiping my hands on a shop rag, I glance out the open garage door.
The light across the street is still on.
Tossing the rag onto my work table, I jog over to Spoon, where I can make out a figure sweeping the floors inside.
Despite the Closed sign and the locked door, I tap on the glass door and wave when Beck looks up.
“Hey, Beck, sorry to bother,” I say when sh e opens the door and lets me slip inside.
“No bother, you know that. Let me guess, working late and you need a little snack?” she asks, shaking her head and laughing.
“Yeah, I lost track of time.”
Beck heads toward the back of the café, disappearing into the kitchen but still talking to me, so I follow. “You do that way too much, you know? But I just made a few sandwiches, so come on—take a seat. I suppose I can share.”
“You’re the best,” I say, sliding into a seat at the table closest to the counter. A moment later, she returns with two sandwiches and two glasses of water.
Sitting down across from me, I reach to take the sandwich, but she pulls it away from me. “Ah, only on one condition will I share.”
Of course. I groan. “I thought our friendship was unconditional?” I ask. She barks out a laugh at the joke.
“You know damn well that only applies when it doesn’t involve our favorite girl.” She slides a sandwich to me. “Spill.”
I sigh, unwrapping my sandwich, then telling her all about my day with MJ, leaving nothing out.
Beck and I have been friends for a while now.
She’s kind of like an older sister to me and knows how I’ve felt about MJ.
I’m completely honest with her about how the day went but also about my feelings.
Maybe it’s about time I’m honest with myself and own whatever is happening between MJ and me.
“Beck, it was so easy being with her today. It was like old times but also not.” She nods in understanding.
“How is it not like old times?”
I tell her about how I couldn’t keep my eyes off her. How I wanted to touch her. How I almost kissed her. Her eyes go wide at that one.
“Mac,” Beck sighs. “I’ve said this before, but maybe it’s finally time you stop worrying about what everyone else thinks.
” Opening my mouth to tell her I don’t care, she stops me, putting her hand up.
“I know you do, even though you don’t want to.
But maybe it’s time to put yourself first for once.
Maybe it’s time to put your wants, your needs, your happiness, your heart first.”
I think about that for a moment. Maybe she’s right, but MJ is likely leaving again.
If not for law school then for something else.
Even if it’s just for another few years, she’s still only here for a short time.
Would it be worth it to put my heart first?
To pursue more with the girl of my dreams, even if only for a few months?
I look up and the clock on the wall catches my eye
“Shit, Beck. It’s getting late. I’m sorry for keeping you.” I gather my trash and get up from the table.
“All good. You know I’m always here for you.” She follows me to the door, and I toss my trash into the bin before turning around to face her.
“Really, Beck, thank you.”
She opens her arms for a hug, and I oblige. “You got this, Mac. I think it’s all going to work out better than you think.” I hug her tighter, her smaller frame easy to wrap my arms around.
I step out into the m uggy night air and jog across the street back to the shop.
Turning back, I wave one more time and then watch as she turns the light out.
I grab my backpack off the couch and head upstairs.
Another night I’ll be spending in the loft.
Finding a pen on the dresser just inside the loft door, I pull out the book MJ asked me to annotate and plop onto the bed.
It’s gonna be a long night, but hopefully worth it.