Chapter 15
FIFTEEN
Jess
“Marry me.”
It was a command, and like one of Pavlov’s dogs hearing a bell, my mind immediately said “ Yes .” No explanation needed, I was in. But that’s the thing with Alex and me, I tend to act first, think later. I try to think in the car, but all I can think about is his hand intertwined with mine, that first sensual kiss, then the tender one that followed. Fuck . The sound of his voice calling me baby .
I could’ve died happily right then. Alex ‘Cold-Hearted-Prick’ Palomino called me baby. Call it, Jessica DiAngelo (could have been Palomino) died in Serendipity at 3:58 on a Saturday afternoon. All my headstone would read under my name is “ baby .”
I mean, it was that fucking amazing.
And that’s the problem. I’m hearing “ I don’t want to wait any longer ,” “ baby ,” and “ she’s the love of my life, ” and I believe him. I believe all of it, but it’s just another lie, right?
Dangerous territory. That’s where I’m headed, but what’s the alternative? Continue managing on my own? I can’t even afford my own place. What judge is going to look at me and think I should get primary custody? No judge, that’s who.
He wants atonement and I want to keep custody of my daughter. That’s where we’re at. And it sucks because I’m yet again another pawn in some sort of redemption scheme. But beggars can’t be choosers. No one else is going to swoop in and save me, and I don’t think I have it in me to fight to save myself.
“What’s the plan of attack? When we get in there?” I ask Alex. He’s the mastermind here, the tactical warrior.
“Just follow my lead. I’ll do most of the talking, if that’s okay with you?” He’s genuinely asking me. Not used to it. I’m used to bossy Alex, short-tempered Alex, not-a-care-for-anyone-or-anything-else Alex. I’d love nothing more than to let someone else carry the weight for a bit, though.
“Yep. And…” Fuck me , I don’t know how to ask, “Are we touching? Are we coupley?”
He looks at me, a sort of darkness filtering over his eyes before he replies resolutely, “Yes.”
Okay . I nod. He picks my hand back up as we make the turn onto my street, then places a kiss on the back of my palm. He slips into his new role with ease. Carelessly. (If I’m not careful, I’ll be begging him to slip into me.)
My cheeks flame.
Tommy and Jamie are waiting on the sidewalk in front of my (our?) building, and before we get too close, Alex slides a hand around my neck and pulls me in. He places his mouth on mine and it’s instant heat filling my panties. His lips move across mine softly, his short beard bristling against my skin before he strengthens his grip, his pressure, his ferocity and sucks my tongue into his mouth, making me clench my thighs together. Fuck .
I don’t realize we’re stopped because all I can think about, all I want is more. Touch me. Feel me. Fuck me. Please. I’ve never begged for anything from a man before, yet somehow I know I’ll be begging this one.
Ari (I think it’s Ari. I heard Alex say thank you to him earlier) opens our door, and the cold wind whips into the cab. I don’t get goosebumps. I can’t. I already have them.
When I remove my hands from Alex’s henley that I’ve unconsciously been clutching on to, Alex starts to slowly release me in turn. And when he opens his eyes, there’s something I’ve never seen there before. It’s a change.
“You get E, I’ll get everything else, okay?” he says as he gets out of the car, holding a hand out for me.
“Thanks, babe.” I go up on my tiptoes to give him a kiss on the cheek. My lips and chin tingle in the cool air and I know without looking in a mirror I’ve got beard burn from him . I like the way it feels on me. I like the look it’s putting on my ex’s face almost as much.
Ari brings a sleeping Eden, still in her carrier, around to me, and Tommy immediately steps forward to take her so I can unlock the door. I don’t miss that neither he nor Jamie speak a word.
Alex is right behind us, passing an armload of bags to Jamie, then picking up another load for the short elevator ride.
As soon as I have the front door unlocked, I wonder if it’ll be obvious that Al ex has never been here before. But it’s not. He sets everything he was carrying in May’s office, then comes back to the entryway where he puts his wallet, keys, and phone in the same wood bowl as I normally would. He even offers Tommy and Jamie something to drink, which they, thankfully, decline because I have nothing but baby food and milk for Eden in the place.
We let Eden continue napping in her carrier for a little bit, all of us finding a seat in the living room. Tommy takes a club chair, and I choose the sofa. Then Alex sits right next to me, draping an arm across the back of the sofa around me. Love the subtlety of that. And Jamie stays standing by the fireplace. Arms crossed over his chest, deep in thought.
“You expect me to believe you’re deeply in love and happy with this guy ?” Tommy is sitting on the edge of his seat as he motions to Alex. “The guy you couldn't even stand to be around for the last five years?”
“That’s my fault, Tom. I was just jealous she ended up with you.” Alex smiles, I smile, and giggle internally. Love that he calls him Tom. No one has ever called him Tom. It’s not an endearing nickname.
“How come Jess never even mentioned you then?”
Alex goes to respond, but I stop him with a hand on his chest. I nod, telling him without words, “It’s fine, I got this.”
Then, without even looking at Tom (officially his new nickname), I say, “Alex hurt me, and then we hurt each other, but I think, after some time, we can both look back and say neither of us meant it. I know I didn’t.” I look into his eyes, sincerely telling him I didn’t mean it. I even run my hand down his chest in a warm gesture. “But when you love someone as much as I loved him, love him still, it was too painful and raw to explain. So I didn’t.” I wish Alex knew that everything I just said was the truth.
“How did you two even meet?” Jamie finally asks, the lawyer looking for holes in our story.
“Well, believe it or not, it was at a cemetery,” Alex says with not an ounce of defense to his tone, just pure nonchalance.
“What the fuck?” Tommy asks, his face showing the confusion.
“You can’t make this stuff up,” Alex says in response.
“Which cemetery?” Jamie, again.
“Fairfax Memorial,” Alex and I say at the same exact time, sealing our story with gentle knowing smiles at one another.
This sends Tommy out of his seat and pacing in the living room. Good . He should be worried.
“Why don’t you live here then?” Jamie’s question is directed at Alex. I immediately go to pipe up that he does, but Alex beats me to it.
Rubbing a hand up and down my forearm, he says, “I’ve been supervising the build of our dream house, in California. It’ll be ready by Christmas. You two should join us,” he poses back to the two men. I can’t tell fiction from fact anymore, but I assume there’s an actual house in California, otherwise he wouldn’t have invited them, right? Either that or he is the best bluffer I’ve ever met.
“We’d love to,” Jamie says sort of smugly.
“Great!” Alex replies, “Pack your snow boots!”
“Wait, were you talking about Jess when you emailed me about doing your prenup?” Tom’s mouth is hanging slightly open, a hand in his hair. He’s definitely shitting bricks now .
“I was,” Alex says, no bullshit.
“That was in July! Before Jess even asked me for a divorce!” I look at Alex, astounded.
“I didn’t know you did that,” I say quietly, genuinely surprised.
“When you know, you know,” Alex says then shrugs, but I don’t miss his pink cheeks when he leans forward and gives me a soft kiss.
Tommy and Jamie finally leave around 8:00 and I immediately move into bedtime routine for Eden. I bathe her, lather her up, brush her hair, and read two books. I’m singing her our nightly lullaby when I sense him at the doorway.
“Sleep, pretty darling, do not cry, and I will sing a lullaby.” Suddenly, I’m feeling very self-conscious about my singing voice.
I close the door to May’s room, where Eden’s been sleeping, and he moves slightly out of the way to make room for me in the hall. I whisper to him, “Let’s talk,” then motion for him to follow me into my bedroom.
Why? Why do I do this? (Well, that’s where the monitor is. Duh.)
After I get the monitor off my bedside table, I find Alex has shut the door behind us and is perusing my space. The books on my shelves, the photos on the pinboard. I’m embarrassed to admit I never got around to updating the space too much. (Yes, I took down the Eminem poster. No, I didn’t take down my prom pics.)
I’m kicking myself for that when I catch him stuck on one photo in particula r, the photo of Amy and me. She was probably 16 and I was 13. I feel a flush of heat and my throat goes bone dry. It’s still Amy for him, isn’t it? It’ll always be Amy. My chest aches. A snapshot of him staring at that photo would be titled, “Nostalgic Man Longs for Something He’ll Never Have Again.”
It’s a good reminder. My instinct was to wrap my arms around him and then push him down on my bed, but that would be misguided. The words, the touches, the feelings I felt today, those were all Amy’s.
“She was the only friend I ever had when I went to my Dad’s house during the summers.” He simply nods and starts looking at the other items on the pinboard like I didn’t just catch him in the act of staring for too long at his late wife’s photo.
“She was really great, Alex. You were incredibly lucky.” She was incredibly lucky. That’s what I really want to say.
“Let’s talk about next steps,” he says, still not looking at me. Now he’s standing, looking too intently at my collection of snow globes that are completely unremarkable.
“Okay.”
“Would you consider moving to California?” He turns around. The top button of his henley has finally popped under the strain of his muscles and I can’t help but stare at the definition of his pecs now on display. “I think it makes sense and it makes us look good. We have a community there, family. New house is pretty amazing, though I’ll leave that to you to judge…”
“Umm,” I try to think of all the reasons to stay in NYC, but aside from May and my pride, I don’t know that I have one. “I’m worried…last time I put my trust in someone, depended on someone, I was left with absolutely nothing. I know at the end of the day all I need is custody of Eden, but I need a job. I need a life, too.”
“You can keep working for Caleb. He said you’d want to work from home anyways. But what specifically do you need? Tell me, because if you’re worried about finances, I’m going to stop you right there. That will never be a worry for you, us, or Eden. Ever.”
I look at him, a bit confused.
“I’ll send over the prenup tomorrow, but I think it’s pretty fair and satisfactory. I may have had Tom do the first draft, mostly as a fuck you, but I’ve had it amended since and I think the guaranteed settlement is sufficient. Again, I’ll let you be the judge.”
“Why would you give me a guaranteed settlement when you’re the one doing me a favor?”
He shrugs, “Because I can. Amy would’ve wanted this.” Right, Amy. Just a jab, a quick uppercut. Why not just remove my fingernails while we’re at it?
“I’ll have to think about California.” Alex nods. He’s leaned up against my pitifully small desk, arms crossed over his chest making the expanse of his shoulders even more protruding. “But as for rules…” I trail off hoping he’ll come up with some…but then he doesn’t. Okay .
“We probably shouldn’t have sex,” I say. It’s better if I say it. If he says it, I’ll know he really doesn’t want me like that. And if he doesn’t say that, I’ll be wondering if that’s all he wants out of this. Both are equally agonizing thoughts.
But like he just reminded me again, he’s doing this for Amy. To atone. To protect me and Eden when maybe he couldn’t do the same for Amy and Tally. I’m a pet project to him. One with the potential for a lot of orgasms, but that’s still all it’d be and I can’t let myself go there. Can’t get confused when the sex makes me think we’re real.
Having sex with Alex once was one too many for this exact reason. 1000 times would never be enough.
He doesn’t say anything about that rule, but he does say, “Well, we should probably live together. So whether that’s California or here, I guess just let me know. Though, if it’s here, your place doesn’t exactly have enough beds for us to sleep separately...”
And that’s one point for moving to California.
“Well, when would we go?” I ask.
“The plan is to be moved into the new house by Thanksgiving, and then, Brit is hosting…” Fuck . My best friend who probably hates me. Who knows there’s no way I’m happy with Alex after she just saw the ruins of my life this past week. Which, ironically, was because of Alex and I lied to her about it then, too.
“I have to tell Brit…about this arrangement.”
“No.”
“What? Why? She already knows something’s not right. She showed up this week, and I was a mess. The house was a mess and she knew I wasn’t happily engaged.”
“Tell her you just missed me, but that we were planning to tell her when you came out for Christmas.”
This is so easy for him. “I hate not being honest with her…”
He gives me a look. It’s a reminder that I haven’t been honest with Brit in a very, very long time. I hate that. I hate that he’s also reminding me that he knows. That he still thinks of me as that girl .
I look down at my hands that are naked. Haven’t worn my wedding ring from Tommy in months. Not since the night I hooked up with Alex actually.
“I’ll get you a ring.” Alex moves to sit beside me on the bed. “Any requests?” Who knew this would be the most painful part of it all. A fake wedding ring. He’ll give it to me. And I’ll wear it. And it’ll mean nothing. To him. (And everything to me.)
“You don’t have to. That’s an unnecessary expense.”
“Okay.” Okay . I’m surprised how disappointed I feel at his response. But then he just stands to leave. “I’ll send you the prenup and call you tomorrow to talk about it, okay?”
“Yeah.” I give him a gentle smile. “I guess, also, thank you. For doing this and helping. I can’t lose Eden, I just can’t.” He just sort of makes a gruff sound and heads for the door.
He calls out, “Lock this behind me, okay?” And then the door clicks shut. I make my way to the front door, going on tip toes to look through the peephole, and he’s still standing there. I slide the deadbolt into place, but he’s still there, deep in thought. Regretting this whole day already, I’m sure.
There’s too many zeros. That’s the first issue I notice with the prenup. The second is the time commitment. The third is that the contract goes into effect as soon as I sign this, regardless of when or if we marry.
My phone vibrates, and I’m honestly expecting Alex, but instead see it’s his sister.
I swipe to answer the call .
“Hi.”
“Hey.” Brit sounds slightly uneasy.
“I was planning to call you today to say thanks for everything you and Liam did for Eden’s birthday, and all the gifts.”
“Okay, you’re welcome.”
“Listen, Brit, you’re right that I haven’t been honest with you.” She stays silent on her end of the line. “Before I ever even met you, I met your brother. And I may have developed feelings that went unrequited and so I buried it deep. Especially because I didn’t know Alex was your brother when I took the job working for you.” (So far, all this is true.) “Then when Alex and I saw each other in Spearhead over the summer, things just clicked, and I didn’t want to get my hopes up, okay? I didn’t say anything because I really thought it might not work out.” (Skirting the truth now.)
“And, I may have fallen into a bit of depression when I moved to New York, but once the dust settled around Tommy and me, Alex asked me to marry him and I said yes. And I’m really, really happy about it. And I don’t want you to think I’d ever lie to you about something like this because I wanted to tell you, so many times.” (Still some truth to what I’m saying.)
“Jess?” Britain asks.
“Yeah?”
“Don’t hurt my brother.” My stomach sinks. “Whatever is going on here, whatever happens with all of this, just don’t hurt him. He doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t deserve to be used or not loved absolutely.”
“Okay.” I say it far too quietly. It’s obvious how much her threat is hitting.
“Will I see you at Thanksgiving? ”
“Yes.” That's my decision then, isn’t it?
“Okay, safe travels. And if Alex asks you not to fly or drive at certain times, just humor him?”
“I will.”
“Okay.” She hangs up. She didn’t say goodbye. Didn’t say I love you. Hated that. I feel like a complete sleazeball. A shitty fucking human. Worst best friend in the history of best friends.
“Glaaahhhh!” Eden screams at me from her high chair, forcing me to table my self-hate fest until later.
“Yessss! I see you ran out of blueberries. The world isn’t ending, my love.”
I get the blueberries out, dumping another handful on her tray, then keep reading through the document on my phone. 12 months of being married to Alexander Palomino and no extramarital affairs. And I’ll receive a settlement that would afford me my own townhouse in Soho… (I mean, really, I’m not that strong, guys.)
Fuck me. He’s made it impossible to say no.
Without a second thought, I DocuSign the next year of my life over to Alex Palomino.