August 30, Sunday
LILY APPEARED alone on the screen, which had become rare enough lately that I felt a small flicker of hope before she'd even said hello.
"Josh has a bonus soccer practice," she said, by way of explanation. "Dad actually picked him up on time."
What a relief. "That's good to hear."
She shrugged. "Whatever. Low bar."
"How are you doing?"
"Living the dream," she said, flat, the corner of her mouth twisting into something that wasn't quite a smile.
"Lily. Talk to me. Really."
She sighed the put-upon sigh of a teenager asked to produce sincerity on command, but something in her shoulders eased slightly, and she settled back into the couch cushions. "I'm okay, I guess. School's fine. Cheer's fine."
"How's Scott?"
"Good. Great, actually." A small, genuine brightness crossed her face this time, unguarded for a moment. "He's having a party Saturday. Can I sleep over after?"
"I don't think that's a good idea, honey."
"His parents will be there, Mom. It's not like—" She stopped herself, exasperated. "It's a normal thing. Everyone does it."
"I know you love him. I just want you to be careful. With your body, I mean." I kept my voice even, though the words felt as inadequate now as they had the first time I'd tried them, months ago, over knitting needles in the den. "Those choices carry more weight than they seem to in the moment."
Lily's eyes rolled so completely I half expected to hear them click. "Oh my God. I'm not going to be a virgin forever, you know."
I inhaled for strength. "I know that. I'm not saying it isn't going to happen. I'm saying if you're careless, it could affect the rest of your life in ways you're not thinking about right now."
Something flickered across her face, quick and sharp. "Is that what happened to you? Was I the thing that wrecked your life?"
"No," I said, and meant it completely. "You were never that, Lily. Not for one single day."
"Then what happened?" Her voice climbed, thin and accusing. "Because it sure seems like everything went wrong the second you and Dad got married and had us."
"That's not true. But I won't pretend some damage hasn't been done along the way.
To the marriage. To all of us." I searched for something steadier to add, some way to close the distance she'd just opened, but before I could find it, the screen went dark, Lily's face gone mid-frame, no goodbye, no warning, just the sudden absence where her expression had been a half-second before.
I sat there in the small room, the laptop's fan humming its indifferent note, and felt the tears rise before I'd given myself permission to cry, hot and sudden behind my eyes.
Deputy Wells was waiting by the door when I finally stood, and I kept my face angled away from him as I walked past, blinking hard.
He didn't say anything, didn't ask, just fell into step beside me at his usual measured distance, and I was grateful, in that moment, for a man trained not to require explanations.