CHAPTER 38 BOWER #2
He scratches his cheek and then says, “Okay, it just seems that you’re maybe making tiny moves to slowly separate from me.”
“What are you talking about?” I ask.
“And if you’re second-guessing, then please just fucking tell me, okay? I’m already in so deep that if this is not what you want, then, please, just tell me now.”
“Bennett.” I sit taller. “What are you talking about?”
His eyes bounce between mine, almost as if he’s trying to read my thoughts.
“You know what? Never mind. Forget I said anything.”
“No,” I say, not wanting him to drop this. “What would make you think that I’d be slowly trying to separate from you?”
“Seriously, Bower, just forget it.”
“No,” I say more sternly, looking him in the eyes. “I want to know how I’m making you feel any less confident than you should be.”
“No, you’re not; you’re perfect.” He cups my cheek. “Fucking perfect. Just ignore me.”
“I don’t want to,” I say, straddling his lap and pressing my forehead to his.
“I don’t want you thinking that I care about you any less or that you’re the only one putting in the effort into this relationship.
I want you to know that I value you and cherish you.
” I softly kiss his lips. “And I’m sorry if I made you feel any other way than that. ”
His hands rub along my thighs. “Thanks,” he answers and then lightly kisses my cheek, but a part of me feels like he doesn’t believe me.
Like there is something inside of him that’s doubting my words.
“Bennett, I—”
“Hey, it’s fine. Let’s eat breakfast, okay?”
“Wait.” I stop him from grabbing the food. “Are we okay?”
“Of course,” he says, a pinch between his brows.
“Are you sure? Because it just seems like…like you’re a little off.”
“I just think I’m in a different place than you, and I think I’m figuring that out now, and it’s okay, babe. I’ve been in a different frame of mind where you’re concerned for a long time, and this is all still new to you.”
“Yes, but that doesn’t take away from the way I feel for you.”
“I know,” he says, his hands rubbing over my thighs.
“And…if this is about the girlfriend thing, I was just caught off guard—”
“It’s not.”
“But it is,” I say. “And I’m…I’m honored to be that person for you.”
“Be that person?” he asks. “Can you say it, Bower? Can you say you’re my girlfriend?”
“Of course.”
“Then say it,” he challenges.
Chills spread up my arms as his eyes bore into mine, looking for that validation, and as I feel the words on the tip of my tongue, there is something in the back of my mind telling me to tread carefully, to make sure I know what I’m getting myself into.
And it must be too much of a pause, because Bennett nods and says, “It’s okay, Bower. I get it.” And then he shifts me off him before standing.
He pushes his hand through his hair, looks around, and then says, “Yeah, I think I might just take my stuff to go.”
“Bennett, don’t,” I say as I stand. “You didn’t give me a chance to answer.”
“I did, Bower,” he says, looking defeated. “And you’re just not there. That’s okay. I’m not going to drag you into a situation you’re not ready for.”
“But I am.”
“You’re not.” He shakes his head. “You’re not, Bower. I think you might want to think that you are, but when it comes down to acceptance, you’re not there. But I want you to get there on your own time. I want to show you that I deserve the title of your boyfriend.”
“But you do.” I claw at his chest, but he takes a step back.
“Bower, babe, please don’t say things just to say them. I’m really okay.”
“No, you’re not, you’re leaving and I’m…I’m sorry.”
“I’m giving you some space. I know you need it. That doesn’t mean I’m upset with you or that things are rocky. I can understand when things might be going too fast for you and when to take a step back.”
“I don’t want a step back,” I say, panic lacing my voice.
He sighs and grips my shoulders, looking me in the eyes. “How about this? Give me a second to collect myself, okay?”
“Why?” I ask, tears forming in my eyes. “I’m sorry, Bennett. Don’t go. You’re my boyfriend. I’m your girlfriend. Please just don’t leave.”
He lightly shakes his head. “Bower, don’t say that just to keep me here. That’s going to piss me off. Don’t throw those words around just to throw them around. I want you to say them to me when you’re fully ready.”
“But I am.”
“You’re not.” He shakes his head.
“I am,” I say, growing angry. “Don’t tell me how I feel.”
He pauses, studying me, his jaw ticking. After a few seconds, he says, “I think it might be best if we just cool off.”
“Yeah, I think you’re right.” Then I bend down and pack up my notebooks and computer.
“I think I’m just going to go out and get some work done.
” I shove everything in a tote bag and then I head into my bathroom, where I flip the shower on and start undressing, my irritation getting the best of me.
I take two fucking seconds to answer a question, and he takes that as I’m not ready to be with him.
I’m ready. I’m risking my longest-standing relationship to be with him. I could lose one of my favorite people in my life for him. So yeah, I paused for a fucking second. I should be allowed to do that. I slip into the shower and wet my hair as I hear him enter the bathroom.
I grab my shampoo just as the shower door opens and he steps in, naked.
He takes the bottle from me and turns it upside down, squirting some in his hand.
When I look up at him, a bout of tears hits me all at once, and I’d like to say that it’s from the stress of everything happening and the unknown of what’s to come, but what I think it really comes down to is that I’m falling fast and hard for this man and I don’t know how to manage the emotions of it all.
I’m just not ready to say it out loud yet.
Because it terrifies me.
“Shhh,” he says as he massages the shampoo into my hair. “You’re good, beautiful. We’re good.”
I wrap my arms around him and start to sob into his chest as he holds me, his arms encircling me tight, giving me that warmth and comfort I rely on when it comes to him.
He means so much to me…so much, and I just hope that I can convey that to him, even if it’s hard using or finding the right words. Because as much as the truth scares me, I can’t lose this.
I can’t lose him.