Chapter 28
MARCUS
Ruby and I are in the car on the way back from Heathrow and I’m floundering. I want to talk to her. I have so much I want to say. I feel like maybe I need to sort it all out in my head first, so that I say it right, but I also want to take advantage of being trapped in this small space together.
I miss Frankie. I love her so much. I feel like she could help me now.
Except, obviously, this situation maybe – probably – arose because of my relationship with Frankie. So obviously she couldn’t help.
We stop at traffic lights and I turn to look at Ruby’s profile.
And suddenly I decide. I need to treat her less like a little girl and more like a young adult.
‘Ruby,’ I begin.
‘Mmm?’
‘I love you so much. It is very, very dangerous for you to travel abroad by yourself with no money and I’m going to be shuddering for a long time at what might have happened if they’d let you on the plane.’
‘I can take care of myself,’ she says sharply.
‘Of course you can. Up to a point. But the fact of the matter is life is expensive, you have no money, and there are a lot of very bad people out there who exploit girls and young women.’
Ruby says nothing, which I take as an admission that maybe she knows that at least some of what I said is true.
‘Anyway,’ I continue. ‘You know that I love you infinitely and I will do anything in my power to protect you. Unfortunately, a parent can’t always protect their child from absolutely everything life throws at them. But I will always do my absolute best.’
‘I do know that,’ Ruby says in a small voice, and I feel as though it’s one of the nicest things anyone’s ever said to me.
‘Okay. So. I think that something needs to be said. It doesn’t sound very nice, but sometimes the whole cruel to be kind thing is true. I think.’
‘Is this about Mum?’
‘Yep.’ I pause, to allow her to interject if she likes, but she says nothing.
‘Okay, so basically,’ I say, ‘I’ve been trying to pretend this isn’t true because I thought that was the right thing to do.
But you’re fourteen now and I think maybe overtly acknowledging the truth would be better for you.
Your mother loves you, of course she does.
’ I don’t even know whether that’s true.
‘But I do not believe that she loves being a mother. She chose to go back to Germany. She didn’t have to take that job.
She had a very good job here. She wanted to leave.
And she could visit you and Sam and she chooses not to.
And that is not about you, it’s about her.
You and Sam are wonderful, amazing, perfect people, and I am the luckiest man in the world to have the privilege of being your father.
But I don’t want you to hanker after something that won’t be.
Since Sam was born, your mother has actively chosen not to parent you.
If I could change that I would, but I can’t. ’
‘Have you ever tried to ask her to come and see us?’
‘Yep. A lot, if I’m honest.’ I used to beg, demand, ask very nicely, ask shoutily.
I tried everything. It is awful seeing your daughter feel so rejected.
I don’t think Sam has ever fully grasped Astrid’s absence, because she left so soon after he was born.
I presume he might have issues with it in the future, though.
‘No judgement,’ I continue. That isn’t entirely true if I’m honest, but I have to be as kind as possible about Astrid to Ruby. She is her mother. ‘Maybe she thought she’d be a terrible mother, which of course wasn’t true, but maybe she did think that and maybe that’s why she left.’
‘Or maybe she’s really selfish,’ Ruby says.
I open my mouth to disagree, and then I remember that I’m trying to treat Ruby more as an adult, and I say, ‘Maybe. I don’t know.
She might be more interested in seeing you when you’re older.
Or she might not. I just don’t know. But I do know that there are so many people who love you. You’re amazing.’
‘Thank you.’
We drive on for a little while in silence, and then Ruby says, ‘I love you, Dad.’
‘I love you too,’ I say. It’s a very good moment.
* * *
The following Saturday, when Ruby and I get home after I pick her up from the café, she says, ‘Dad, can we talk?’
‘Of course.’
‘Sam, go and play on the PlayStation,’ Ruby tells him.
Sam leaps to it.
‘Sit down,’ Ruby commands, gesturing at the kitchen table.
I leap to it too.
‘Are you happy?’ she asks when we’re sitting facing each other.
‘Yes. I lived through a couple of hours of incredible terror last Saturday and I am ecstatic to have you safe and sound.’
‘Yeah. Good. But, also, are you more generally happy?’
‘Um?’ I have to say: this is a weird experience. I am the parent; she is my child. Right now, though, it’s like she’s trying to switch things round.
‘Today,’ she continues, ‘when you dropped me off at the café, and when you picked me up, you just sat in the car staring straight ahead.’
That is correct. I nod.
‘Why?’ she asks.
‘No reason to turn my head.’ I sound weirdly like a grumpy teenager, not cool.
‘Obviously—’ Ruby will apparently not stop ‘—it was to avoid looking at Frankie. And remember, you think we should be honest with each other.’
I nod, trying not to look teenage-petulant this time.
‘So do you miss Frankie?’
‘Well.’ I need to be honest. It feels like my relationship with my daughter is at stake. ‘Yep.’
‘Why?’
Oh, God. I do not want to have this conversation.
‘Because… I was spending a lot of time with her and now I’m not.’
Ruby raises her eyebrows. ‘Do you miss your friends, like when we go on holiday with your uni friends and their kids, do you miss them when we get home?’
‘That’s different.’ I’ve gone petulant-teenager again.
‘I feel like you really, really love Frankie and aren’t going to get over her for a very long time.’
I say nothing.
‘Libby agrees,’ Ruby says.
‘Right.’ I’m so pleased that my fourteen-year-old daughter and her best friend are discussing my personal life.
‘You know what you said about Mum. Frankie told me just before you arrived at Heathrow that her mum basically did the same to her. It made me think.’
I nod.
‘Basically,’ Ruby says, ‘I think I was being selfish. I think if you love Frankie you should get together.’
‘What?’ I ask.
‘Yep. You’re my dad. I love you. I want you to be happy. She’s a really nice person. I think you can love us and her. Think about it.’ And then she stands up and leaves the room.
And I sit staring at the door she just disappeared out of.
I wish things were as simple as Ruby just made out. But are they? And does she really mean it?