26. Mackenzie
Mackenzie
I wander around the house a little while Jake is dozing.
(He definitely earned a rest.) The place makes me curious.
It seems both abandoned and resonant. Most of the furniture is gone and all of the photographs are missing from the walls.
The kitchen has the most minimal set of dishes and implements.
You could eat take-out here or make a coffee, keep your leftovers in the fridge, but that’s about it.
The lights from the parking lot shine through the windows, giving me more than enough illumination to look around.
The view out the kitchen windows is almost industrial.
Right outside the door is the edge of the parking lot, the one that fills the space between the house, the office building and warehouse of Cavendish Enterprises, and the enormous glass wall of the greenhouse immediately to the north.
The parking lot is empty now and the office windows are dark.
There are lights on in the greenhouse and I can see plants stretching for the roof, swaying slightly.
It’s the closest and smallest of their greenhouses, the oldest one.
At the back of the house, between the old deck which is rotting away and the greenhouse, there used to be a swimming pool. I can see it still, choked with weeds, cracked and desolate. I notice some marks on the wall and smile when I crouch down to look.
They’re height lines, showing the growth of kids.
J is noted in blue; M in green and A in red.
I touch the highest one – J at six – then realize they stop.
Those kids kept growing and they kept growing in this house, at least for a while, but no one was paying attention anymore, not after Dianne died.
The realization makes me sad for those boys, but it also explains a lot. Their world changed completely without their mom around. How does anyone grow up whole in such an emotional wasteland?
They don’t. They can’t.
One of the things I love most about my grandfather is his gift for seeing the good in people.
(Patrick Cavendish was a notable exception.) He plays Santa Claus in the annual Christmas parade for more reasons than his white beard and round belly.
And as I stand there, I remember him chiding me, gently as he does, for my impatience with Sloane when he was new to our operation.
“Not everyone has your experience,” my grandfather said.
“And no one can know what they haven’t been taught or shown.
Sloane has excellent credentials. He does very well, but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t benefit from a little mentorship once in a while.
Teach him, Mackenzie, teach him what he doesn’t already know. ”
I took that advice and Sloane has grown in his abilities by leaps and bounds. I know I can be impatient with people and a demanding boss, but Opa is teaching me to do better. He’s mentoring me, which is a wonderful gift.
And as I look at those marks on the wall, noting how they abruptly stop, I know that I don’t want to fix Jake Cavendish.
I don’t want to save him. But I would like to help him.
I would like to show him what it’s like to be surrounded by love, to be nurtured and supported and cherished.
I have a feeling it might make all the difference in the world.
I have no illusions that it will mean we end up together. I doubt we will. But just as he can’t bear the prospect of me being alive in the world and thinking ill of him, I can’t bear the possibility that I missed a chance to offer a helping hand to a friend.
It’s late now, well after midnight, and I can hear that he’s sleeping less deeply. I go back into the bedroom and sit on the side of the bed. He stirs, his hand closing over mine.
“Hey, Mr. Bear,” I say. “Time to end your hibernation. I’ve got to go home.”
Jake rolls to his side and looks up at me, mischievous and tousled. “You didn’t leave this time.”
“I would have had to steal your car.”
He smiles. “I think we should celebrate the fact that you’re still here.”
“How?”
His smile turns wicked. “Don’t you have a favourite thing to do when you first wake up?”
I pretend I don’t understand. “Make coffee?”
“Before that,” he growls, and reaches for me. I slide down into his arms, and can’t help but tease him.
“You seem to have some anticipation.”
“Absolutely,” he says and pulls me closer. “And you should, too.”
This time, I fall asleep. I wake up curled against Jake’s warmth. His arm is around me and my head is on his shoulder. Our legs are entangled and we’re still naked. I can feel that he’s awake, even though he’s motionless. The lights are out and the house is full of shadows.
I turn a little but he keeps staring at the ceiling. He strokes my shoulder, a sign he knows I’m awake, but he doesn’t turn to me.
I brace myself on one elbow to look down at him. “Pondering the mysteries of the universe?” I ask, knowing that isn’t it.
He smiles at me, reaching one fingertip to tuck my hair behind my ear. I kiss his palm and he pulls me closer to kiss my temple. “Just distracted.” He looks into my eyes. “Okay?”
“Amazing again.” I slide down and kiss his mouth, liking that I can feel his body tighten beneath me.
He spears his fingers into my hair and we kiss hungrily, as if we haven’t spent the last hour already doing that.
I’m starting to think it’s not even possible to get enough of this man.
I slide my hand down his chest, but he captures it in his and holds it against his chest.
Not another round then. I study him in the darkness and wonder why. I have a feeling it’s not me. We are in his old bedroom in the house where he grew up.
“Memories?” I ask.
“No.” He gets up then, heading for the bathroom.
I follow, knowing that he’s avoiding me and evading my question. That means whatever is distracting him is important.
I’m becoming fluent in the body language of Jake.
He washes up, pretending he’s unaware of me standing in the doorway. He’s not. There’s a huge mirror over the vanity and he can’t miss me.
“Are you going to tell me what’s distracting you or is it a secret?” I halfway think he’s going to confess a woman’s name, but he meets my gaze in the mirror and frowns a little.
“It’s you.”
“Me?”
“Or maybe it’s bears.”
I wait. I’m not sure where he’s going with this.
He turns to face me, not any happier than before. This time, though, he looks me in the eye. “Does that happen a lot?”
“What?”
“That you need a bear.”
I know he’s referring to the client. “Once in a while. All women deal with it.” I try to shrug it off but Jake isn’t having any of that.
“But what if there isn’t a bear in the vicinity?”
“I deal with it as best I can.”
He lifts a brow.
“I took self-defence classes.”
His eyes narrow as he leans back against the counter, his gaze locked on me. He is unhappy with this reply, but then, I’m often unhappy with the situation myself. It’s life in our world. I’m less happy with the prospect of lifelong celibacy.
Jake spins a finger. “And what about the night we met, the first one, at that function. Do you do that a lot?”
Now I’m the one fixing him with a glare. “Are you going to suggest that I should be celibate forever, or until I marry, whichever comes first?”
“Not me.” His eyes widen in mock horror. “I’m smarter than that.”
“There’s a relief.”
He leans toward me. “But the thing is, there are jerks everywhere and some of them present well. Not all of them appear to be predators, at least early on.”
“True.”
“I have absolutely no right to say this and I know it, but I wish you wouldn’t do it again.”
I lift a brow, daring him to say what I think he’s going to say.
Jake shakes his head. “No. I’m not telling you what to do and I’m not judging you. I think sex is natural and good, and I think everyone should get as much of it as they want. That might make the world a better place, actually.”
“It might.”
“I just wish you’d call me instead of choosing a stranger.” He lifts his hands. “I want to know you’re safe.”
And just like that, I’m all warm inside.
I like that he feels protective of me, and I wouldn’t mind doing what he’s asking.
I also like that he’s trying to defend my autonomy while he makes the offer.
I don’t think he’s thought this through, though, because a deal like this sounds a lot like a thing.
I tease him instead. “You’d be my bear on demand? ”
“Yeah. I could do that.” He lifts his hands like claws and growls fiercely. “I kinda like the idea of being a bear on demand, actually.”
“Is this a service you provide for many women?”
“No!” He looks insulted. “It would be just for you. If you want.”
In that instant, I see that he realizes the magnitude of what he’s admitted. His eyes widen a little and he starts to turn away. I know he’s going to block me out fast, so I make a move.
I catch his elbow, keeping him from turning his back on me, and lean against him.
“But being someone’s bear on demand would mean that you had a thing with that person.
” I see the flicker in his eyes before he hides it away.
I keep my tone light. “And I have it on very good authority that you and I do not have a thing.”
“Good point. We do not.” His words are clipped and precise.
I sigh. “Then bear on demand is out of the question.”
“But…”
“I’ll just have to keep taking my chances.
” I’m deliberately pushing him. A thing with Jake Cavendish is exactly what I want, which means I have to spell that out for him – even change his mind.
He’s been straight about his expectations being purely physical.
But the fact is that Jake is a guy I can count on.
He’s the one I want to be with, and now that I’ve realized as much, I’d like to have agreement and move forward into a thing.
And he knows it. “I’m not going there, Mackenzie.”
“I never expected you to,” I say. It’s true. He’s never misled me. If I have hopes, that’s me changing the rules. “You’re the one who started this conversation.”
He would love to have a sharp comeback, but I see that he has nothing. He frowns when he realizes the same. “We were in agreement, right from the start.”
“We were. But I like you. A lot. So, I’d like to review the rules and maybe modify them.”
“No,” he says flatly and turns away.
I’m encouraged, despite this. So long as there’s any potential for a relationship with this man, I’ll give him the time and space he needs.
“The thing is, Jake, that you’re wrong. You could be a hero, but only if you decided it was what you wanted to do.”
“And otherwise?”
“I guess you’ll remain alone and an asshole.”
He looks at me hard, then his eyes narrow. “I’ll stick with what works,” he says curtly.
I keep my voice cheerful. “If you know any good candidates for bear on demand, maybe you could introduce me.”
Jake’s eyes blaze. I think he’s going to breathe fire, but he stops himself with visible effort. He nods once, pivots and marches back into the bedroom. By the time I finish in the bathroom, he’s dressed and waiting at the door, tossing his keys with impatience.
I stop to give him a kiss before I leave the house, and I make sure it’s a kiss to remember.
I’m not afraid to use anything I’ve got to change Jake’s mind.
By the way he kisses me back, I have to think he’s already halfway convinced.