Chapter 5 #2
I knock on the door of her bedroom before coming in. She smiles up at me. It is weak, but her joy at seeing me is apparent all the same and I feel bad for the mental debate I had a moment ago.
“Hi, Lottie,” I whisper, smiling back at her and bending to give her frail frame a hug. Her cashmere sweater is soft on my cheek, and I breathe in her scent as deeply as I can. It’s been consistent since my childhood, and I’ve never found one more comforting.
It’s the smell of her skin, maybe the detergent on her clothes. The tiniest bit floral, bold and warm. Impossible to re-create. A dose of panic seizes me at the thought of her scent disappearing with her.
“Guess who I just ran into at the coffee shop?” I wag my brows up and down, hoping to make the mood feel jovial. As if I were coming home and catching her up on my life like nothing was abnormal.
“Who, baby?” She croaks out the nickname I’ve always had in her deep smoky voice.
“Declan freaking Renshaw. He’s the manager of the place apparently.” My lack of curse words is habit from my mom telling me it was “unladylike” to swear.
My great-aunt gasps. It’s the largest reaction I’ve seen her capable of since laying in this hospital bed. “Oh, honey,” she says, a mixture of hope and empathy in her eyes.
“Mm-hmm,” I nod as she reacts.
“What did you say to him? How long has it been?”
“It’s been”—I look up at the ceiling as if I’ve lost count—“about four years now. But I was trying to apply for a job there, you know, before I realized he was the manager of the place. And then he was the one who interviewed me and I lied to him in every interview question just to see how he’d react.
” I roll my eyes. “He already knows the answers. And they seemed a little personal anyway. Something tells me he got to choose the questions himself as manager.” I try to joke, but Lottie’s demeanor turns serious.
“Did you ever apologize to that boy? You two should have a conversation about why he stopped speaking to you, sweetie.”
“Oh, Lottie. It’s not that simple.” I brush the hair off her forehead and continue stroking her head gently in a manner I hope is comforting.
She continues looking at me and it bores into my soul. Despite being unable to get out of this bed, she is not going to let me off the hook. There is not a single emotion I could hide from this woman.
“Isn’t it a little ironic to try and have a conversation with someone about why… they didn’t ever want to involve themselves in conversation with you ever again?” Lottie looks unfazed by my attempt at avoidance.
“Con,” she says in her lovingly stern voice. “How old were you when that happened?” She says it as a question, but it lands more like a statement. A reminder made to communicate the irrationality of the teen years.
“Seventeen,” I say, dragging the word out like I was reduced to that age again.
“But don’t you think if he wanted to contact me all these years he would have?
We were best friends since we were literally five years old.
Who just ghosts someone like that when you live in the same town?
” My voice rises regardless of how much I’ve said that line.
“What that boy went through was very traumatic, sweetie. You can’t assume you would do anything different if you were in his position. You don’t know what it’s like,” she says, hard as steel and somehow the gentlest woman in the world.
I sigh through my nose, realizing my great-aunt is speaking from experience, to have your health come into question suddenly and without warning.
She hasn’t invited any family members or friends to visit her since starting at-home hospice care.
Even her sisters or women she’s been best friends with her whole life.
When I plead with her to tell me why she doesn’t want to see them, she gives clipped responses.
“I don’t need them to see me like this, baby!” Her accent peaks when she says “baby.” “Let their memory of me be healthy. That is who I was. I don’t want them to remember me like this.”
Her words tighten my chest like a bodice being sewn through my lungs.
I’m convinced the only reason she allows me to be here is because my mom “forgot” to tell her I was coming home for the summer.
And even so, she’s forced me to leave after I visit her in the morning and doesn’t let me sit by her side until the sun is setting.
But I still notice each time she grimaces in pain and tries to hide it.
Last night, her hospice nurse was giving her a shower when I overheard her whimpering in pain.
Within seconds of her first cry, Lottie’s hushed voice pleaded with the nurse through the thin bathroom door: “Can you tell my Blair to leave? I don’t want her to hear this.
” Then, I heard the nurse protest, worried for Lottie’s safety alone in the shower.
But Lottie didn’t relent. “Please. Leave me. I will be fine. Tell her to go.” My throat constricted.
I didn’t know what was worse. Hearing her cry for the first time or her weak voice as she begged the nurse to make me leave.
I wasn’t supposed to hear that. It was heart-wrenching that her prevailing concern amid her groans of pain was about my experience.
Even if she was suffering, she’d do anything in her power to make sure I wouldn’t. Especially on her behalf.
I understand wanting to be strong for the ones you love.
I even understand that Lottie thinks it’s more loving of her to protect me from seeing her decline.
But doesn’t love go both ways? What is love if not the desire to be there during someone’s lowest moments?
What use does it have if we refuse to let the people closest to us share in our suffering when it matters most?
It goes to show I have no idea what being in her position is like. Lying on this mechanical bed all day and night. Knowing your healthy body and all you enjoyed with it is behind you.
We move past the topic of Declan and onto our usual non-talk, which has become everything to me. I’m overly aware that every casual conversation is from a diminishing handful. As usual, her advice has left me with no defenses and much to ponder.
When I unlock the door to the guesthouse, I find myself unable to shake the memories that come flooding back.
Looking into Declan’s eyes for the first time in years, if only for a brief moment, reignited emotions I thought I had successfully reasoned my way out of.
Lottie’s refusal to let her family see her in this condition reminded me of the door separating Declan and me four years ago.
I wanted to be by his side, but he didn’t want the same.
I always wanted to give him more than he wanted of me.
“Don’t put too much stock in people, con.
They can disappoint you.” My mom’s offhand advice burrowed into my hardwiring.
Funny how it was never the life lessons they spent hours lecturing you on that stuck.
It was her split-second reactions that formed how I viewed people.
It was our circumstances, even. Absent father.
Tired, single mother. The conclusion, naturally: Sharing wasn’t safe.
Opening up was a risk the emotionally unintelligent made.
And, of course, people always leave eventually.
If they haven’t yet, it’s because you just haven’t gotten to that part of the story.