Chapter Fourteen - Alex
Stop this train I want to get off
And go home again I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't, but honestly, won't someone stop this train?
Stop This Train - John Mayer
Since we got to Europe, we’ve been traveling by bus between the countries. “It’s cheaper” and “it’s less polluting than planes” are the usual arguments, but we all know it’s just to save money.
We, the “team,” get chartered buses. Some are sleeper buses, which are pretty comfy. Others have beds, which sounds like a plus… until you realize they’re single beds, and there are no seat belts. So, you just lie down knowing you’re probably going to fall off in the middle of the night.
But Vicious Bonds, oh, they have their own bus. Two floors, all decked out, really beautiful. Four separate areas – two upstairs, two downstairs – plus a couple of chairs for anyone who doesn’t want to sleep in a bed.
After the meeting with Victor, the last thing I wanted was to get on a bus with twenty other people and pretend everything’s fine. So, without thinking too much, I asked the guys if I could take one of the chairs. Everyone said yes, except A.J.
He took me to his room and tried to get me to say what was wrong. I took the bed, but left the conversation for later.
The comfort of the double bed helps me close my eyes, but the light coming through the crack in the window shows me that I need to get up.
It’s already enough that A.J. didn’t have his own room the whole trip because I freaked out.
I turn to the side and grab my phone from the wall holder.
I keep ignoring Thalia’s thirty-six messages and open the conversation with A.J. :
Me: Awake over there?
The word “typing” doesn’t show up right away, but that’s normal. They did a two-hour show last night. They’re all exhausted.
Me: I’m up. Whenever you want your room, just come.
I lock the screen and jump out of bed carefully so I don’t fall.
Even though the bus feels so steady I can barely feel it move, I never get used to it.
I stretch with a heavy sigh – a mix of sadness, exhaustion, and the echoes of a rough night.
Before I let myself get too down, I tap my face three times, take a deep breath, and grab my toiletry bag from the suitcase, heading to the bathroom in the “room.”
I do my usual morning routine and put on a layer of makeup.
Staring at my reflection I don’t see the girl who spent yesterday afternoon crying by herself.
Since I left Brazil, I’ve never missed my father as much as I did yesterday.
But sometimes you have to make sacrifices—and this isn’t about him; it’s about me, the girl who loved music so much that now she has to handle everything on her own.
Or maybe... not so alone, I realize, as I bump into A.J. when I leave the bathroom.
“A chocolate for your thoughts?”
He shakes a bag of Maltesers, but I’m not that easily sold.
“I was wondering how your night in was one of those chairs.” I hum, walking to the bed and sitting beside him.
“Uncomfortable. I laid down in Rick’s bed after twenty minutes in the chair and stayed there till now,” he complains, flopping back onto the mattress, and I don’t know how he manages to make me laugh in under a minute.
“Sorry, A.J., I don’t know what’s going on with me…” I try to hold it in, but just imagining those two guys, who are both at least two meters tall, sharing a bed, cracks me up.
“I know,” he replies, much more serious than me, and crosses his hands behind his head like it’s a pillow. “Meeting with Victor, they’re almost always traumatic,” he adds when he sees the confusion on my face.
“Why?”
“In our case, there’s a lot of pressure.” He shrugs, and I lie down beside him.
“But you’re giants .”
“We’re still not bigger than One Direction was, and that’s his benchmark.” A.J. stretches his arm and opens the curtain, letting the late summer European sun flood the room and warm us.
“Wow.” I sigh, processing the info. “He really sets nearly impossible goals, must be to keep you humble!”
“Fine, but stop stalling, what happened?” A.J. asks, smacking my leg.
I watch him for a moment. His curious gaze, restless hands, and short breaths show that he’s really concerned. I sit cross-legged and let my hair down, gently brushing it as I try to put into words what still hurts. There’s no point in hiding it. A.J. will find out sooner or later.
“You can tell me, Alex. Even if he made you some... proposal...”
“It wasn’t anything P. Diddy, A.J., thank God,” I blurt out immediately, and the relief on his face is so huge it almost freaks me out. “Has he done that with you guys?”
“No! No way. But we never really know people for real in this business...”
“I know. But let’s get to the point: do you really like me?”
“Of course not, I just tolerate you.” The double door fridge next to me pushes me with its giant hand, making me laugh. “Gross, get away from me.”
“Well, A.J., I’ve got some really bad news for you.”
“Why?”
“You know those songs you helped me arrange?” I ask, and he nods excitedly.
“They’re gonna have to wait a little longer.
” He furrows his brow in complete confusion.
“I signed the contract to stay on tour with you guys yesterday, I’ll do Made to Never Break till the end.
” I sigh, shrugging under A.J.'s confused gaze.
“Wow, that’s…” A.J. goes quiet when he realizes I’m sad about giving up my own music. “I thought we already had an opening show. Was that canceled?”
“I won’t be opening the shows with you guys, I’m joining the backing vocals and performing our song with you,” I explain, staring at my feet.
“You gave up your songs and your career for this ?” A.J. tries to lift my face, but I press my head down, and he gives up.
“I’ve waited this long, I can wait a few more months,” I explain, but my friend doesn’t seem convinced.
“They were two voice-and-piano songs I was going to release at the end of the year, A.J. They wouldn’t be the summer hit or the Carnival hit, you know?
And being with VB brings me more visibility, so yes, I might be working for someone else, but I’ll reap those benefits. ”
“The career is yours, you know what’s best for it, I just don’t know if I think it’s a good decision long-term.”
His words are careful but firm. I think if he knew about the show possibilities, he’d be freaking out right now. And that’s exactly why I ignored Thalia’s messages. Nothing hurt more than asking her to stop all the negotiations and only keep the Rio show.
“The contract’s signed, A.J., there’s not much I can do now except keep crying over the burial of my career.”
“You know it’s not a burial.” A.J. shifts out of “worried musician” mode and into “friend who doesn’t question” mode.
“It’s just a hospitalization, she’s in a medically induced coma, and one day, we’ll bring her back.
” He watches me, making me smirk in spite of myself, before picking me up as if I were a feather and gently laying me down, resting my head on his chest.
“I guess I can see it that way…”
“So what are the plans now?”
“Get the courage to talk to my manager about delaying all our projects and decide if I’ll stay in Brazil during the show break or rent a place in the U.S. I think Victor would help me with that, with the money part…”
“He would help, but you don’t need him, because you’re going to my place.”
“No way, A.J., that’s your space.” I reject the idea, pulling away, but he pulls me back. “It’s your vacation too!” I remind him.
“Okay, let’s think hypothetically, if you could spend three months living in New York…” He mentions the full schedule. Vicious Bonds will be back on stage after Thanksgiving, and the tour will go until early February. “What would you want to do?”
“Be alone! Explore the city, visit the tourist spots… Imagine if it snows? Oh my God, the cold, the overpriced coffee. I’d decorate my room like Pinterest, hit some thrift shops, and, of course, I’d catch some hot guy for a torrid romance that would traumatize me for life.
” I sigh before summarizing. “I think I’d live everything romantic comedies promised me. ”
I finish speaking with such a big smile I almost feel embarrassed, but A.J. smiles back, winking at me, and I allow myself to laugh at my own silliness.
“That’s a lot of goals for three months… considering we’re back on stage in less than a month. Good thing you’ll have a hot guy nearby.” A.J. smooths his chest, and I close my eyes to keep from laughing. “But no trauma part; I’m cool.”
I roll my eyes and pull away, sitting back down.
“It’s kinda funny hearing you talk like that, ‘cause you’re, like, one of the girls, and I don’t date girls.”
“Lucky for you, I do.”
“You must kiss so badly…” His jaw drops, and I quickly finish the thought. “Even kissing guys and girls and more, you’re still single. What do you expect me to think?”
“That hurts, you know? I just offered you a roof, man.”
His puppy-dog pout almost convinces me, but I’m strong.
“And I’m grateful. I just need to think a little, try to organize my thoughts and do one thing at a time. We still have Ireland and England before that.”
“I’ll be waiting for your decision.” A.J. winks at me and sits down as well. “I wanna spend my holidays with my friend who sees me as one of the girls. We’re gonna do some shopping and skincare.”
“I hate doing skincare.”
“Lucky for you, I love it; Dani made me do it for a while, but now it’s therapeutic for me.”
“A.J., that’s not happening.”
“With the cold weather coming, you’ll change your mind.”
“Good thing I need to go to Brazil anyway, I’ll enjoy a week of warmth.”
“What are you gonna do there?”
He doesn’t ask to be intrusive, I know, but I don’t want to talk about it, not right now at least.
“I have something important to take care of. I’ll explain later.”
“Hmm... mysteries… I guess I’ll have to wait for you to get to my house to find out.”
“We still don’t know if I’m staying at your place, A.J.”
“Alexandra, you’re having PTSD, you don’t know what you’re saying. I’m gonna get my guest room ready to welcome you.”
“Oh, I’m going to have a room all to myself?” I ask excitedly, A.J.’s devilish smile makes me tense up.
“Oh, so you were fantasizing about sleeping with me?”
I blink way too quickly, stunned.
“I’m going to throw you in the Thames, A.J.!”
“Later. First, you’re gonna tell me how you’re feeling about this change of plans.” I open my mouth to say that I’m fine, but he cuts me off before I even get the chance. “Really!” A.J. raises his pinky at me, fully aware this is a low blow.
“You have my word, I’ll be honest.” I entwine our fingers because, for the first time in a long time, I feel like I can vent to someone who understands.