Chapter Twenty-five - A.J.
If you ever look at me
like I’m more than safe and sweet,
Like I’m someone you could fall for too…
I’d fall with you.
Almost Yours – a WIP track for Vicious Bonds’ third album.
I open my eyes when sunlight spills into the room and blink twice, catching a glimpse of Daniele slipping out the door. What a gentle way for my best friend to wake me up. I run my hand over the sheets, searching for my phone, and as soon as I unlock it, I understand the “gentleness.”
I was supposed to wake up at ten. It’s 11:45.
I sink into the pillow before getting up. I never wake up this late. But I spent the first half of the night tossing and turning, unable to get Alexandra out of my head. She’s like a song I learned as a kid — always playing somewhere in the background. Even when I try to fight it.
In the middle of the night, I got up to use the bathroom and left the hallway light on for a few extra seconds when I came back.
Alexandra was sleeping so peacefully, so lost in her dreams, that I had to study her relaxed face and the messy hair slipping out of her bun for just a little longer before crawling back into bed.
But once I did, I closed my eyes with one thought on repeat: This isn’t right. And it has to stop.
Downstairs, everyone’s already at the table. They all look at me like they’ve rehearsed it, but no one says anything beyond the usual greetings. My seat is waiting — right between Alexandra and Daniele — and I can’t help but laugh at the irony.
Light conversation about our expectations for returning to the U.S.
tour fills the air, and I reserve the right to just nod along with my friends.
Guilherme looks like a king in his own castle.
For the first time in a long time, he has his sister, his parents, and Beatriz sitting around the same table.
The woman he’s loved in silence for years and waited for, even when he wasn’t sure she’d ever come back.
Richard isn’t sitting next to Dani this time, but right in front of my friend; this only makes it worse because the two of them can’t take their eyes off each other.
Thomas, as always, stays silent until someone mentions him. Only then does he pull his dreads back, sit up straight in the white wooden chair, and give his opinion.
For the band dynamic, nothing’s out of the ordinary.
Guilherme’s parents seem genuinely happy to see the house full, and it takes me straight back to my school days.
My parents were always the ones who offered the house, the garage, and the backyard for hangouts with my friends.
I lift my juice to my mouth, realizing I wouldn’t be able to do the same for the band — I can’t even remember the last time I sat at a table with my parents for a meal.
As the conversation shifts, I’m reminded that, through everything, there’s still Alexandra. Sitting next to me, she responds to Beatriz’s attempts to reconnect, and with a huge smile, she shares memories of when she, Guilherme, and Bia were in the same soap opera and the same band.
Subjects come and go, Alexandra gets up and ties my hair — she says it was falling into my plate — and the laughter around the table is contagious.
I, however, stay focused on eating and thinking that tomorrow we’ll be back on tour.
Tomorrow I’ll sing ‘One Last Kiss’, meet a cool and fun person, and spend the night with her to forget my Miss Petulant.
When lunch is over, and Guilherme and Beatriz start clearing the table and putting things in the dishwasher, I stand up.
“Is everything okay?” Alexandra grabs my hand, stopping me from walking.
I take a deep breath and turn to her, bending down until my mouth reaches her ear.
“My head’s full, I need to play something, I’m going downstairs for a bit.”
“And I’m supposed to stay here alone?” she whispers, holding onto my neck. Her breath against my skin makes me shiver, and I pull back just enough to feel safe.
“Daniele’s dying to be your friend, go talk to her.” I kiss her forehead and turn, going my own way while she stays there, standing, with an unreadable expression.
***
“I’m not in love with her,” I murmur, as if those words could erase the chaos brewing inside me.
“I’m not in love with her,” repeat, louder this time.
But the words feel empty. A lie I’ve told myself one too many times.
I grab my guitar and start strumming. At first, it’s random, like my body is still trying to convince itself that everything is under control. But slowly, the notes begin to connect, bringing to my mind a lyric I’ve been trying to avoid.
If you ever look at me
Like I’m more than safe and sweet,
Like I’m someone you could fall for too...
I’d fall with you.
I try to find the perfect melody, but the only things crossing my mind are Alexandra ’s smile and the way we seem like one, even though we’re not.
You’re almost mine, but not enough.
Close enough, but just to break me.
I see the truth in every touch,
But your fears keep me away.
I sing softly, letting the words slip out of my mouth, hoping to ease the weight of knowing that even if what I felt was more than just curiosity or the constant urge to be near her, it still wouldn’t be possible.
Alexandra ’s wounds, and her fears would never allow it.
Maybe that’s why she keeps saying she’s married to music.
But it feels like torture to know that out of a hundred thoughts I have, ninety-nine of them are about her.
I wish that I could make you stay,
But I don’t wanna lose my friend.
So I’ll keep loving you this way
Almost yours, and always hurt.
That final line does me in. I’m really not in love with her — I’m just getting too soft after all this time away from songwriting. With a deep sigh, I set the guitar down, hoping that simple act will be enough to chase away the mess of feelings tangled up inside me.
And no… I’m not writing a song for her. No way.
“You good, man?” Richard calls from the door, leaning against the frame, arms crossed. “Wanna talk?”
“Just… got a lot on my mind.” I step away from the instruments and head to the couch.
“I’ve known you for five years, and I’ve never seen you this quiet, A.J.,” Richard says, sitting next to me.
I hesitate, but deep down, he already knows.
“It’s Alexandra.” The name slips from my lips, and Richard laughs.
“I’ve got that part figured out, I wanna know what’s going on.”
“Nothing. Nothing’s going on. We just…”
“Just?”
“We live together, talk a lot, joke around, tease each other… Maybe I got lost in the character and don’t know where the teasing ends.”
“And how does she feel about this?”
“I don’t know, I don’t… I’m not in love with her.”
“I noticed when you were singing that into the mic,” he mocks, and I throw my head back. “I noticed when you said you wish you could make her stay but are afraid of losing the friendship. That’s why you’ll keep loving her this way: Almost hers, and always hurt.”
“I just needed to rhyme,” I say, breathing a sigh of relief that at least that’s true, and I groan, resting my elbows on my knees and scratching my neck, not sure what I’m trying to do.
He looks at me for a second, then shakes his head slowly.
“So you don’t love her?”
“No way, Richard. Wake up. I’ve known her for months.”
“I knew I loved Richard before he ever talked to me,” Daniele chimes in, stepping into the basement like I’m some naive kid.
“You were crazy,” I reply when she sits on Rick’s lap, and he hugs her in a perfect fit.
“If it was love, I’d say accept it, because fighting against love is impossible,” Richard reflects, his eyes on my best friend, who, even after four years, still blushes when he declares his feelings. “But if it’s just attraction, you need to figure out how to forget it.”
“She’s nice, A.J.,” Dani adds with a little shrug. “I’d hate to see you obsessed with her just because she’s something you can’t have.”
“Me too,” I whisper, getting up. “See you guys later. Be good — don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” I call over my shoulder as I head out.
“Close the door, please,” Richard adds, and I leave without looking back.
***
Upstairs, I spot Guilherme and Beatriz still in the kitchen. She’s perched on the island, and he’s kissing her, tucked perfectly between her legs.
Alexandra is petting Elvis while watching something on TV with Thomas. They’re both calm, quiet, separated only by the dog. They look so comfortable together — so natural.
I close my eyes, unable to believe what my mind is doing to me.
I’m jealous.
Jealous of one of my best friends. Jealous over a girl who isn’t even my girlfriend — just because they’re sitting on the couch together.
“You okay?” Alex asks, confused. I shake my head and shove the feeling away. “Want to watch something or hang out? Dani kinda disappeared,” she adds
“Nah, I’m gonna... lie down. Didn’t sleep well last night. You snore,” I mumble the last part so Guilherme won’t hear that I crashed in his baby sister’s room because she needed her Big Bear.
“That’s not even funny!” she shouts after me, and I almost go back. I almost sit down beside her and watch whatever’s on, pretending everything’s still normal.
But nothing is going back to normal — not until we hit the road again.
Good thing that’s less than twenty-four hours away.