Chapter 25
The Cotswolds
The room felt different now. When they’d first arrived, Hilary had been at Leon’s bedside, sitting stiffly upright on a chair and wiping her eyes. Leon had been asleep, his breathing slow and heavy, his hair unnaturally tidy where his mother had combed it.
‘I’ll go and have a cup of tea,’ she’d murmured. ‘This is so awful.’
‘You’re exhausted. Get some rest,’ Jamie had told her.
‘We’ll come and fetch you if anything changes,’ Fen had added, her hand resting on Hilary’s arm as their paths crossed.
And instead of moving away, Hilary had nodded and said with a ghost of a smile, ‘Thank you.’
But that had been three hours ago. Now Leon opened his eyes. ‘Hey. Where’s Mum?’
‘Catching up on some sleep.’ Fen gently squeezed his hand. ‘How are you feeling?’
‘Like everything’s happening without me. How long have you been here?’
‘Since four.’
There was a clock on the chest of drawers opposite. Leon blinked at it. ‘And now it’s seven thirty. I’m sorry. This must be so bloody boring for you two. You don’t have to stay.’
‘Except we’re not going anywhere,’ Jamie said from the foot of the bed. ‘So get used to it.’
A faint smile lifted the corners of Leon’s mouth. ‘Mate, this has to be seriously messing up your social life.’
‘It is. And yet I’d still rather be here. Go figure.’
Leon put his hand up to his head. ‘Must be the new ’do. Has my mother been brushing my hair again? It’s like being back at infants’ school.’
Fen leaned across and ruffled it into its natural state. ‘There, that’s better. You’re back.’
‘Probably not for long.’ He stroked her wrist. ‘Did you manage to find a dress?’
‘I did!’ There was no need to give him the convoluted version. ‘It’s being altered to fit me. You’re going to love it.’
‘If you’re wearing it, I will.’ Leon sucked in his breath as a wave of pain caught him unawares. ‘God, Fen, it wasn’t meant to happen like this. I love you so much.’
‘I know.’ Her throat began to ache with the effort of not giving in to her emotions. She was dimly aware of Jamie’s footsteps behind her as he slipped out of the room to give them some privacy.
‘Talk about terrible timing. I wish I could have met you years ago.’
‘Better this way,’ she told him, ‘than never at all.’
‘Really?’
‘God, yes. You’ve definitely been worth it. Venice was the best week of my life.’
‘Mine too.’ With difficulty, he took a deep breath. ‘I don’t think I’m going to make the wedding. Do you think we should get it brought forward?’
It would mean being admitted to the local hospice, which she knew his parents were against. ‘Do you want to?’
‘I don’t know any more. You decide.’
He was flat-out exhausted, that much was obvious.
If he was too worn out to enjoy the day, was there really any point in going through with it?
It wouldn’t make any difference to the way she felt about him.
Stroking her index finger along the line of his jaw, Fen said, ‘If it’s too much to think about, why don’t we leave it for now and see how you feel in a day or two? ’
He nodded, visibly relieved. ‘You’ve made me so happy.’
‘Same.’
‘Want to come and lie next to me?’
‘More than anything in the world.’
Slowly and with some difficulty, Leon edged himself over to make room. Taking great care, Fen kicked off her flip-flops and climbed onto the bed beside him. He tilted his head to face her and whispered, ‘No funny business, mind. I’m not that kind of guy.’
‘Just a cuddle, I promise.’ She gently placed her arms around him and rested her head in the crook of his neck.
They fitted together so well. Leon trailed his fingers across her torso, then left his hand resting on her stomach and murmured, ‘We could have had babies.’
Fen nodded, words beyond her now. Sometimes she could almost picture their family, two girls and a boy playing in the garden, their blonde hair gleaming bright in the sunshine, the boy’s as tousled as Leon’s, the girls’ flying free behind them as they raced across the lawn.
‘Will you look after Jamie when I’m gone? He’s going to miss me.’
She couldn’t imagine Jamie needing looking after, but nodded anyway. ‘I will.’
‘Love you.’
‘Love you more.’ So much more.
Leon’s eyelids were closing. Reaching up, she pressed a kiss on the side of his mouth and felt his lips pucker up in return. ‘God, what a shitshow,’ he murmured. ‘It’s like watching a brilliant film, then discovering it has a really rubbish ending.’
‘It’s not the end yet.’
He reached for her left hand, his fingers tracing the outline of the diamond solitaire. ‘Tired again. Don’t go anywhere.’
‘I won’t.’
Fen waited until he’d drifted off once more and there was only the sound of his breathing in the makeshift bedroom that had become the world he now lived in.
The windows were open. In the distance she could hear the sound of a tractor in a nearby field and the drone of a light aircraft overhead.
Birds were singing in the trees. A warm breeze filtered into the room, bringing with it the scent of cut grass and roses from the garden.
A pair of butterflies danced together, their creamy white wings bright against the dazzling blue of the sky.
As Fen watched, one of them broke ranks and fluttered in through the window, then panicked and began bouncing off the glass before eventually managing to find its way out again to rejoin its mate.
A narrow escape; for a few frantic seconds they’d lost each other. Now they were back together and all was well once more.
Lucky them.
Fen exhaled. Then again, at this precise moment in time, would she want to be anywhere but here?
No, of course not.
Which in its own way made her lucky too.
Jamie turned the door handle in slow motion and silently pushed open the door. Two hours had passed since he’d left them alone in the room, and he knew the next round of Leon’s painkillers was due.
The sight that greeted him turned his heart over.
The lower angle of the setting sun meant it was now shining directly through the open window, bathing the bed in amber sunlight.
And lying curled up there together in a tangle of white sheets were Leon and Fen, both fast asleep, looking more peaceful than he’d seen either of them looking for weeks.
Oh shit, unless that meant . . .
But no, even as the terrible thought crossed his mind, a small fly landed on Leon’s bare ankle and his foot twitched in response. Not dead, thank God, just utterly relaxed and happy to be with Fen.
It was a heartbreakingly beautiful sight to behold.
The love they shared had been wonderful to witness from day one.
Turning away, Jamie left the room once more and carefully closed the door behind him.
Having never experienced a connection of that intensity himself, he could only imagine how it felt.
It hadn’t happened that night. The uneven decline continued for another seventy-two hours, and Leon was able to say whatever he wanted to say as weary acceptance ran hand in hand with the weakening of his body and the knowledge that the inevitable end was drawing near.
Fen stayed with him, and Hilary and Greville didn’t object.
Jamie came and went, letting himself into Fen’s flat, collecting whatever she needed and bringing it to her at Hetherton Hall.
On the third day, he’d arrived with the silk dress Brendan had finished altering, and when Leon was briefly awake, Fen unwrapped it and showed it to him.
‘Go on then,’ said Leon. ‘Put it on.’
There had been no further mention of bringing the date of the wedding forward; no burning need in the end to be married.
Fen changed out of her shirt and leggings and into the bias-cut dress the colour of mother-of-pearl.
Touchingly, Hilary lent her a pearl choker and helped her to put her hair up in a topknot.
When she made her entrance into Leon’s room, the expression on his face was one she would always treasure and never forget.
‘Look at you.’ He drew her close when she joined him on the bed. The whites of his eyes might be properly yellow now as the liver failure took hold, and his skin held a waxen pallor, but that irrepressible smile still lit up his face. ‘What did I ever do to deserve you?’
Fen said, ‘You tricked me into thinking I was about to get my hands on a free Scotch egg.’
Leon died the following evening with everyone around him. His breathing slowed, he no longer responded with anything but the faintest of nods, and his eyes remained closed. At eight thirty he took his final breath while Hilary held one hand and Fen clasped the other.
Fen closed her eyes and listened to Hilary’s stifled sobs.
It was all over.
It was also unimaginable, but life without Leon in it was only just beginning.
Opening her eyes, she turned her attention to Jamie on the opposite side of the bed, his hand resting on Hilary’s shaking shoulder. He looked devastated. If she felt like this after having known Leon for two months, how was it for Jamie, who’d been his best friend for thirteen years?