8. Hope
8
HOPE
“ I still can’t believe he’s just letting you drive this thing,” Alec told me when the lights to Parker’s car lit up at our approach. “I haven’t even been allowed to ride in it yet.”
Bouncing my eyebrows, I lifted the key fob. “Want to take it for a spin?”
Alec laughed and waved a hand in refusal. “Better not. You might not mind tempting the wrath of Ohrley, but I think I’ll pass.”
“Oh, come on. Grumpy’s nothing but a big, soft pussycat…with a thorn in his paw.”
My brother scoffed. “Yeah, right.”
But then he rubbed the back of his neck uneasily and glanced back toward the house.
“Hey.” I nudged him gently in the gut with a knuckle. “What’s wrong?”
Dammit. Had he sensed the chemistry between me and Parker? Had he seen me touch his friend?
“Hmm?” He turned back to me with lifted eyebrows and dropped his hand from his nape.
“Something’s bothering you,” I said. “What’s wrong?”
“Oh.” He tried to smile it off. “Sorry. It’s…” He shook his head, dismissing it. “It’s nothing.”
“No, it isn’t,” I argued, gripping his elbow and jostling his arm encouragingly. “If it’s bothering you, it’s not nothing. What’s going on?”
“It’s just—” He glanced up toward the house with a wince. “I heard Foster in the kitchen talking about this Xander girl coming to live with us, and I just—I’m still not sure what to think about it all.”
“How so?” I asked, tilting my head curiously.
“Well, she—” Shoving his hands bashfully into his pockets, he kicked at the side of the tire on the Lucid Air. “She’s too freaking pretty,” he finally blurted. “Keene may think it’ll be some kind of golden opportunity to live with her. But I’ll never be able to relax. I mean, how the hell am I ever going to poop again, knowing that kind of gorgeousness is sleeping right above me?”
“Oaklynn’s pretty,” I reminded him with a confused shake of the head. “And you live with her .”
“That’s totally different,” he argued. “She’s with Archer. She’s like a—a sister. I don’t know. It’s just different. I never had to worry about any of that with her. Or Faith, when she was staying with Hudson before he moved out.”
“So you’re interested in this Xander?” I asked with lifted eyebrows. “Romantically.”
“What? No !” He scowled at me as if I were insane. “I mean, she’s beautiful, but I don’t even know her. And?—”
When he seemed to flail for words, I said, “She’s just not tossing any sisterly vibes your way, huh?”
“No,” he agreed glumly. “And I—I mean, I absolutely know I’d never stand a chance with her. Not with the others around. Parker especially. But?—”
“Oh my God,” I groaned, tipping my head back in disgust. “Why are all of you boys so intimidated by Parker ? Every single one of you thinks he’s just God’s gift to women or something.”
“Well, he does seem to attract them like flies,” Alec answered logically. “He doesn’t even freaking try most of the time. They just flock to him like—you know what? This is a better question for you . You’re a girl. You tell me what’s so mesmerizing about him.”
God , I wanted to sigh dreamily in answer. Just everything . All I had to do was look at him, and I thought about sex. I wanted sex. And I’d never even had a good experience with it. Not once. Yet I still wanted that boy to climb inside me and rock my fucking world. I had every confidence he could do it if given the chance, too.
Then there was that tragic ache in his eyes sometimes, like there’d been two minutes ago in the living room, and I wanted to save him from his own miserable loneliness.
But my loyalties remained with Alec. Alec was my number one.
So I scoffed and lied my ass off. “He doesn’t have anything you don’t. Except a truckload of ego maybe.” Alec was too self-conscious and hard on himself to put his best attributes on display.
“If you really want this girl,” I started, fully prepared to do everything in my power to help him. I wasn’t even opposed to holding her at gunpoint. “You can get her.”
“No.” Alec winced and lifted his hands, stopping me there. “It’s not even that. It’s just—I haven’t even met her yet, and I already feel tongue-tied from simply thinking about her.” Glancing at me hopelessly, he muttered, “Having to live with her is going to be absolutely miserable.”
I shrugged. “So tell Damien you don’t want her here,” I answered logically. “He won’t let her move in if you say no. You know that, right?”
“I know,” he mumbled and rolled his eyes. “I just can’t tell him no. She’s Union’s cousin and needs a place to stay. And the poor girl’s already heartbroken and homeless. I couldn’t do that to her just because I felt a little uncomfortable.”
“Oh, Dopey.” I sighed and opened my arms to pull him into a hug. “You’re way too considerate and selfless for your own good. Do you know that?”
He kissed the top of my head before hugging me back. “Or I’m just incredibly lame,” he countered self-derisively.
“Nonsense,” I argued, squeezing him tighter. “You’re anything but lame. But hey. If it doesn’t work out with her, you can come stay with me, okay?”
“I guess,” he allowed with a grumble. “Except—wait. Hey!” Glancing up, he blinked at me. “Where are you staying while you’re in town?”
“Oh, I…” With an evasive shrug, I motioned in the dark toward the gulf. “I have a place down by the bay.”
He narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “A hotel? Which one?”
“Can’t remember the name right now. It was somewhere cheap and rated well on cleanliness.”
“Well, if you want to stay here,” he started again, but I patted his arm.
“Nope, I’m good. Can I hang out with you again tomorrow evening, though?”
“Of course,” he answered immediately. “We can catch a movie together. There’s, like, only half a dozen or so new releases at the theater that I’m totally curious about.”
Smiling affectionately, I reached up and tousled his hair. “Aren’t there always?” Pulling my hand away, I winked. “It’s a date. I’ll pick you up in my new car so you can finally ride in it.”
Chuckling, he took a step back as I opened the driver’s side door and slid in. “Oh, he’s definitely going to want that back before tomorrow night.”
“Ten bucks says he doesn’t,” I challenged.
“You’re on.” He pointed a finger gun at me and pulled the trigger before sliding his hands into his pockets.
I laughed and shut the door, where it took me a few seconds to acquaint myself with Parker’s over-the-top Lucid Air, which seemed to have, like, a bazillion different camera views. Then I murmured, “Down for drive,” remembering what he’d told me as I pressed on the brake and pushed the little lever on the right side of the steering column down. When the car started forward, I shook my head, not at all used to being unable to hear an engine.
I made it to Brimley Apartments, however, without breaking anything. Finding a spot in their parking lot, I gritted my teeth through a pothole that hopefully didn’t harm Parker’s baby. Then I heaved out a breath and grabbed my purse, plus my carry-on, before climbing out.
My energy was too low to cart everything else in right now. I’d worry about that tomorrow.
At the front door, I had to dig up the key that my new super had mailed me before opening the main entrance. Then I wandered the inside halls for about ten minutes until I found my way to what was my new place.
Inside, I flipped on a light and winced at the tacky, mismatched furniture before shrugging and stepping in to shut the door behind me.
Home sweet home.
Air-conditioning was the first thing I hunted up, and once I had it blowing full blast, I got myself a cup from my carry-on bag, filled it with water, and collapsed into a chair at the table, trembling with exhaustion and pain.
After plopping my purse on top, I dug out my Furosemide, Carvedilol, Prednisolone, and Thiamine, then I systematically took my nightly dosages.
Breathing out a breath once all that was done, I sat back in my chair, closed my eyes for a moment, and then opened my phone to listen to the three messages my hepatologist, Dr. Selma Paul, had left.
“Hope?” she started in her familiar British accent. “This is Dr. Paul. Please call me when you can. I received a very concerning message from your mother, and I must concur that I do not think it wise for you to travel at this point. Especially all the way to Texas. I’d really like you to come in sometime to discuss some palliative care options.”
My chin trembled as I erased that message.
But my fucking, meddling mother. She ignored me ninety percent of the time until I finally did something for myself. Then, she had to jump all over it, telling me whatever I’d done was wrong. Or find someone else to tell me how I’d fucked up.
Someone like my doctor. Already wincing, I started in on the second message.
This time, Dr. Paul started out with a weary sigh. “So it sounds as if you’re already on your way to Westport, and I must say, I’m strongly against this idea. But dammit, Hope… Please just call. I know your mother won’t reach out to you at this point.” I scoffed and rolled my eyes at that. “Just let me know you’re okay.”
When tears filled my eyes, I deleted that message as well.
“I can only imagine what this must be like for you, Hope,” she came back with the third and final message. “I’m sure you’re scared. And that’s completely understandable. But you don’t have to go through this alone. I hate the thought of you being down there by yourself. You’re one of my favorite patients. Please don’t worry me like this. Just…call.”
Chewing guiltily on the inside of my lip as I erased that message too, I held my phone for longer than normal with the call app open before I shifted over to the texting app instead.
I made it here okay. I feel good. Still taking all my pills, as you directed. And I’m with my favorite person on the planet now. I feel less alone than I have in years. This is where I want to be. Thank you for caring, though, Paulie. I love you.
I figured she’d convey my message to my mother. I didn’t feel like getting a lecture about how stupid I was tonight, anyway, so I didn’t text Liz to let her know I’d made it.
A minute later, Dr. Paul replied.
Thank you for responding, at least. I’m praying for you, kiddo.
She wouldn’t pressure me anymore about it. That was what I appreciated most about her. Paulie said her piece, made her opinion known, and then stepped back to let me live my own life.
It was really too bad my mother didn’t follow a similar pattern, but Liz Langston-Shoney had to constantly prove to her husband, Jackson, and his three little angels that I was the bad guy, and she was my victim. If she didn’t like something I did—which was always—she had to pick and complain and pout about it until she got her way. And more often than not, it didn’t even have shit to do with her. But she made sure it centered around her by the end of it, anyway.
I sighed heavily, determined to put her from my mind, and I dug back into my purse to pull free a sheet of paper that I’d folded and tucked inside my zippered pill pocket.
This right here was for me .
Smoothing it against the table, I looked at the bucket list I’d started to create back in Ohio.
When I read the first item—come home—I nodded in achievement and pulled a pen from my purse before check-marking that bad boy off the list.
One item down, only a dozen more to go.
As I started to read through them—take a road trip with no destination, spend all night on the water—I paused at number four.
I’d almost written fall in love when I’d first composed the list, but then I’d grimaced and decided to go a little more realistic. I wanted things I could actually obtain on this list.
Besides, I wasn’t sure if I wanted all the sticky complications and headaches and strings that came with falling in love, anyway. And love seemed more like a long-term commitment kind of thing, which I couldn’t do.
But lust, on the other hand…
Yeah, that zing of primal awareness, the giddy feeling of simply being in another person’s presence, of wanting more with them.
In my whole life, I’d been with a total of six different guys, and none of them had ever given me a true zing, nothing past a mild tingling really. And none of them had given me anything near an orgasm. I couldn’t say I was incapable of having them either; I’d given myself plenty. But I’d never gotten off during sex.
It had to be possible. I knew without a doubt that all three women I’d met tonight—Oaklynn, Faith, and Raina—had been left completely satisfied by their men. You could tell just by the way they looked at them. With a little bit of awe and wonder, a healthy dose of adoration, and plenty of hunger and craving.
Yeah, those girls got orgasms on a regular basis.
And that’s what I wanted too. An intercourse orgasm. Just one time of unbridled passion, so I could die knowing what it felt like.
Of course, I needed to find a partner to have my climax with . That was going to be tricky since I hadn’t lived in Westport for nearly five years and no longer knew anyone here. I’d probably have to go clubbing to hunt up a willing?—
When a vision of Parker filled my head, I promptly swatted that idea aside.
Realistically , I wasn’t too keen on the idea of a one-night stand with a complete stranger. Idiot, cautious me, I had a feeling I’d never stop worrying or relax enough to actually enjoy anything with some random guy I picked up at a bar.
Parker wasn’t a stranger, though, my brain whispered.
I scoffed and rolled my eyes. My brain definitely needed some sleep if it was coming up with piss-poor brainstorming like that.
Deciding to give my list plotting a break until I could think clearly again, I pushed my way up from the chair and went about my nightly routine, finding my toothbrush and travel-sized lotion in my carry-on and visiting my new bathroom to prepare for bed.
But as I met my own gaze in the mirror while brushing my teeth, all I could see was the interest building in Parker’s eyes as he wound my hair around his finger.
He definitely knew how to give a girl an orgasm. There was no doubt about that.
And then he probably sent her home in tears because he was such a dick, I mentally added.
Except it might be worth it.
I had to say, I’d always wondered about him.
I mean, I’d been curious about all of my brother’s friends. Alec had the most handsome besties, I swear. And each of them had their own unique qualities that could give a girl a sensual shiver. But Parker?—
My daydreams had gone all the way with Parker. In my mind, I’d angry fucked him, I’d given him a long, slow sensual assault, I’d gone down on him, let him go down on me, had him take me from behind, from the front, the side… My imagination had molested that poor boy quite thoroughly.
And tonight, I’d seen him finally look back. He’d thought about it too, and that knowledge was a heady, powerful thing.
I didn’t care if he was a jerk. It wasn’t as if I wanted happily ever after with him, anyway. Just one time. As long as his hands and dick knew how to give a girl pleasure, he could checkmark number four off my bucket list just fine.
“You know what; fuck it,” I said aloud as I plopped down onto my couch for the night, since my bed had no sheets or blankets yet, and I gazed up at my new ceiling. This was my list, dammit. “I’m gonna ask him.”
He was going to say no; that was a given.
But what did I really have to lose?
At this point, not a single thing.
And with that decision made, I smiled and turned onto my side, feeling good.
We’d have to wait until the morning to see if I still had the nerve to actually go through with such a request.
But as of now, I was going to ask Parker Ohrley for an orgasm, and who cared if he said no? At least I’d grabbed life by the horns and gone for a ride by simply asking.