Chapter 13 – Lumen
Chapter Thirteen
Lumen
Theo meets me near the end of Liminal’s bus. Parish and Tennyson continue on inside, and it feels like I lost the last bit of protection I had.
Not that they would have come to my rescue, but they were the best chance I had.
“Jesus Christ, Lumen,” Theo says, grabbing my arm and pulling me in for a hug. “I’ve been losing my mind. I can’t believe you came back.”
He’s so familiar.
It’s almost comforting.
I think I know how people overlook cheating because my brain is busy reminding me of all the good times.
How he held me together when I found out about my dad’s cirrhosis.
It wasn’t exactly shocking. The man still drinks like a fish, and his alcoholism will kill him one day not very far down the line.
I tried so many times to get him to take care of himself, but nothing I could say or do would get through to him.
Theo didn’t blame me for trying, and he was right by my side the entire time.
If I break up with him, I won’t have anyone who lived through those moments with me.
All the inside jokes we built up over the last year will become meaningless.
There won’t be anyone to snuggle with when I’m having a bad day.
Logically, I know I’ll eventually build new experiences with someone else, but I’m still grieving the ones I’ll lose.
I hate that he put us in this position.
“I saw the video of you caught in the pit,” he says against the side of my head. “What the fuck was that bodyguard doing? He was supposed to be protecting you.”
My hand digs into his back as my head shakes.
The sadness and nostalgia fade away.
I release him, taking a step back.
Flashes of the hallway replay in my mind, and I’m disgusted that I even let him touch me. Now I have to find a clinic to get tested when I don’t have insurance. I have to find a way to pay my storage payment and the balance owed to my apartment building before they send it to collections.
“Where did you spend the night last night?” Theo asks, studying my face. “How did you get into the venue? I told Grant to leave a ticket and backstage pass for you. Why didn’t you answer my calls? I would have met you at the gate.”
“Are you serious right now?” My eyes burn, and there’s a shaky feeling in my chest that leads me to believe I’m about to cry, even if it’s the last thing I want to do.
“I was worried sick,” he says, trying to grab my hand. “I threw up on and off all night.”
“How many times have you cheated on me?” I shake out of his hold, my fury coming back in full-force.
I wish I understood these rolling waves of sorrow and anger. I’d much rather stick with being pissed, but my system is indecisive.
Theo’s mouth opens and closes, but no words come out.
“I have a lot on my plate, financially speaking. I need to know how much of an emergency it is that I get myself checked out,” I say, not even trying to cushion my words.
It sucks that I had to see what I did, but I’m also grateful I didn’t have the chance to sleep with him afterward.
The worst part is realizing that, no matter what he says, I’m not going to be able to believe it.
“You know better than that,” he says, frowning. “I love you. Come on. Let’s go lie down on the bus. We have some time before I have to get ready for the show, and I want to spend it holding you.”
“How many times?” I hiss, jabbing a finger at his chest. “Do I need to go over there and question your bandmates?”
They’re way more loyal to him than they are to me, which I get, but Remmy was trying to covertly give me a warning when he told me to start looking out for myself. I thought about that last night when I was lying on Liminal’s bus, feeling like I was about to die.
Jesse knew what was happening, and he tried to cover for Theo, but I think I could get Remmy to tell me, if I got him alone.
“Never! I’ve been faithful for our entire relationship,” Theo growls.
“Until last night,” I say bitterly.
“I didn’t have sex with her!”
“Good to know you stuck your dick in her mouth rather—”
“Jesus, Lumen,” he says, cutting me off. “I will spend however long it takes to earn back your trust. I made a mistake leaving with her, but it—”
“If you try to tell me it wasn’t what it looked like, I will kick you in the balls,” I say, laughing derisively. “It doesn’t matter. No matter what you say, I won’t be able to believe it.”
“I love you,” he says. “I don’t even know why I left the meet and greet with her.
It was stupid, and I regret it. She said she needed to use the bathroom, and I did too.
I didn’t expect her to pop up in the men’s room.
I fucked up, and I knew it immediately. I told the guys I was going to walk. Quit the band and go after you—”
“Don’t do that.” My head shakes involuntarily. “You’re talented, and you’re just starting your career. Not to mention, you’ll never recover financially if you break your contract.”
“I only want to make it if you’re by my side,” he says, his tone almost pleading. “I can’t do this without you, Lu.”
“You can,” I assure him.
If I can go back to Florida and rebuild my life from nothing, he can certainly travel around the country in style, playing for sold-out crowds every night.
“You have to.” I smile tightly. “Because after this, we can’t be together.
Even if I tried to forgive you, I’d end up resenting you.
Then I’d end up resenting myself for compromising what I think is right to be with you.
I saw what that did to my parents.” My shoulder bounces as my eyes get watery.
“Let me know if I need to sign anything for the songs I wrote. They were made for you guys, and I don’t want you to run into any trouble with the label.
I think it’s fair that you pay what I owe the apartment complex because you said you would.
I wouldn’t have broken the lease if you hadn’t talked me into coming with you. ”
I step to the side, trying to get around him. I need to get out of here before I break down, and it’s coming fast.
Theo steps up behind me, grabbing my wrist. “Do you want me to get down on my knees and beg? Because I will.”
“I want you to let me go,” I say.
Literally and figuratively.
This has to be over now.
“Why come all the way to Charleston if you were just going to break up with me?” he asks, sounding baffled.
“What did you expect me to do at one in the morning in an unfamiliar city? Huh, Theo?” I spin in his hold and slam my free hand against his chest. “You know how dangerous the world is for women during the daylight. Was I supposed to walk out of the venue with my bags and no plan? You know how much money I have in my checking account!”
“I sent you a thousand dollars last night.” He frowns. “I told you through text and in the voicemails I left. I wanted to make sure you could get a nice hotel or whatever. You didn’t even listen to them? Wait, what are you saying?”
“I don’t know what she’s saying, but I’m telling you to let her go.” The voice is low and serious, and my head whips up.
Riser.
He comes closer but stops a solid five feet away. He’s in a long-sleeve Henley, tight, ripped jeans, and combat boots.
“How did you get to Charleston?” Theo takes a step back, releasing my forearm. His head swivels, glancing between me and Riser.
The look of betrayal on his face as he turns back to me should make me feel vindicated. I want him to hurt and ache as badly as I did when I saw him with that woman, but my stomach churns like I might vomit on my shoes.
I’m not a person who enjoys making others suffer.
“All I did was sleep on their bus,” I tell him, staring straight into his eyes. “They offered to let me ride with them to give me a few days to figure everything out.”
“Okay,” Theo says slowly. “I get that. I’ll be the first to thank them for looking out for you when I couldn’t, but, Lu, enough. We can work through this.”
I wish he’d been more of an unapologetic asshole. It would be easier to hate him.
“We can’t.” My head shakes, and the tears that have been stinging the edges of my eyes fall.
“This is just the beginning of your career. You’re always going to wonder if there’s something better out there, and I’m never going to be the woman who settles for second best.” I can’t be.
I saw what that did to my mom, and I won’t let anyone emotionally destroy me the way my dad did to her.
“We should have called it before you left to come on tour.”
It takes everything in me to turn away from him.
My feet are heavy like my boots are filled with lead, but I put one foot in front of the other, forcing myself to walk away.
If I’m not careful, we’ll go back and forth for hours, and this will never end. I have to stop it now.
“None of that is true,” Theo says. “I love the hell out of you. You make me happy. You can be pissed and give me hell, but you can’t break up with me over one mistake! I didn’t even fuck her!”
“If you put your hands on her, I’m going to have to put my hands on you,” Riser says, sounding deathly serious. “None of us want to deal with that kind of bullshit today.”
I can’t see what happens as I make it to the door of the bus, pulling the lever to open it.
“Look, man, you need to back off,” Theo growls. “That’s my girlfriend.”
“She was,” Riser says as I climb the stairs.
“But you seem to have missed the part where she broke up with you. Anyone can choose to end a relationship at any time. Yeah, it sucks, but you know what you did. It’s time for you to man up, accept that actions have consequences, and give her some time to breathe. ”
It’s tempting not to close the door, so I can hear what happens next, but I yank it shut as my chest heaves.
My heart physically aches, and I feel like I’m about to be sick. That stupid, sentimental side of my brain screams to go out there and apologize.
I know Theo is hurting, but I am too.
I didn’t do anything wrong.
If I don’t hold my ground now, I’ll be in this situation all over again, except worse, when he finds his scent match. He might love me, but nothing tops the pull between compatible alphas and omegas. One way or another, I was always going to break my own heart by falling for him.
“You okay?” Parish asks from behind me.
“I’m fine,” I croak, trying to figure out how to get past him without bodychecking him.
“Such a blatant lie.” His long, dark hair falls over his face as his head tilts. “You really love him.”
I nod.
Speaking would be dangerous.
If I open my mouth, I’m afraid I’ll ugly cry.
“All right, kid,” Parish says. “You need a hug and a pick-me-up. The best way to make it through a bad breakup is to get shitfaced. Once that wears off, you climb on the next well-shaped dick you find. Rinse and repeat. You’ll be good as new in no time.”
I snort as he pulls me in for a hug.
“Now who’s going a little too hard?” Tennyson asks, laughing. “Don’t worry. I’ve got you. I’m cutting up lines now.”
Sometimes I wonder if I’m a hypocrite for being angry with my dad for not even trying to face his addiction. In all honesty, I’m probably just as bad as him. When I was younger, I swore I’d never touch drugs or alcohol, but being around it so frequently made it easy to get lost in.
Life was depressing and everyone I knew was high all the time. It was natural to join in.
Parish pats my back awkwardly before releasing me and gesturing to the living room.
You really are a hypocrite, some dark part of my subconscious taunts. Maybe I am, but at least I can put off the pain for a while longer.