Chapter 18 Live In The Moment
LIVE IN THE MOMENT
“That went about the way I thought it’d go,” Gale said when her last brother walked out the door, leaving her alone with Rory.
“I want to side with your brothers,” he said.
“But you won’t. I saw it on your face. That’s why I stayed. We should talk.”
“What did you see?” he asked. Rory pulled the gun out of the waist of his jeans, opened it to see it was full, then closed it and set it on the table in the living room.
“I’ll get more bullets for you from Clay. He wouldn’t have carried it all here with Ford to find out.”
“Don’t kid yourself. Ford knows exactly what your brother did.”
She laughed. “He does, but since he didn’t witness it and wasn’t around to have it voiced, he’s good. He knows that.”
It’d tug at her brother’s conscience, but he’d ride the line of the law carefully to protect everyone. Family would always come first.
“I was actually going to talk to Ford about this if Clay hadn’t given me a gun.”
“Ford would have found a way around things, but this is better for all involved.” She moved closer to him on the couch, her hand went to his arm, then rested on his thigh.
It had been a whirlwind of a day as emotions pitched and dropped with more twists and turns than a roller coaster. She wasn’t used to this kind of storm inside her, the way personal bled into logical until she couldn’t tell the difference.
With men, logic had never been her strong suit anyway. And with Rory… she wasn’t even sure where she stood, or if she was standing with him at all.
No, that was wrong. She was standing with him, but she didn’t know if he really wanted her there.
That was what she needed to know. The chaotic emotions that spread across his features as he watched her stating she was staying while her brothers and he told her to leave.
“I’m not sure who it’s best for,” he said. “I feel guilty that I’m using you.”
And that was what she didn’t want. “Are you going to be one of those guys to start a fight with me so that I’ll walk away? I mean, really. That’s idiot 101 if you think I’ll fall for it.”
His shoulders dropped. “I won’t. I’m sure I’ll piss you off, but I’m not going to do it on purpose.
I really don’t want you hurt. And that’s the truth.
There is a massive part of me that is using you.
Some of it was for personal reasons, some of it was revenge for my sister, my mother, this community.
It doesn’t always sit well to carry it either. ”
She picked her legs up and put them over his lap to move closer, her arm going around his shoulder. “Rory, lots of times shit doesn’t feel comfortable. That’s part of life. You’re not the only one who wants answers. My brother does too, even if he’s not happy I’m in the middle of this.”
“Something tells me you’re in the middle of a lot of things your brothers might not approve of.”
“You’d be right. You haven’t even met Blaze and Ash. The four of them together.” She shivered. “That’s why I’m as strong as I am. If I can handle them, I can handle this. And maybe because I know they are all in my corner it makes it easier.”
“I’m there too,” he said quietly.
“I know.” She dropped her head to his shoulder. “Tell me what is going through your mind. Get it out. You’ll feel better for it. There is more there than you want to let on.”
He reached and shifted her so that she was on his lap now, her feet on the couch, her head against his chest.
“What I said is true… but it’s not the whole truth.
For years, I’ve just been stumbling from one day to the next, telling myself I’m fine when I’m nowhere close.
I’ve been lying to everyone, but mostly to myself.
Rene… she’s the only thing that keeps me moving even when it feels impossible.
And the writing, for as much as it gives me pleasure and a purpose, it often feels just like a distraction.
Something to fill the silence to trick myself into thinking I’m living, when really I’m just waiting.
Waiting until I can finish what I should’ve finished a long time ago. ”
“Don’t do that to yourself,” she said softly.
“Don’t take something you love and reduce it to nothing.
I’m on my second book of yours, Rory. What you write isn’t empty.
It’s alive. It hits right here.” She pressed a hand to her chest. “Your words make me shiver, make me cry, make me want to hunt down the killer myself and fight for the victim. That’s not meaningless.
That’s talent. And it’s only getting sharper.
Maybe what happened to Rene bleeds through your pages, or maybe it’s all the things you’ve buried inside finally finding a way out.
Either way, writing isn’t just a distraction, it’s your therapy, your voice and your way of surviving. ”
His head dropped to her shoulder. “I want more than just getting through the days. I want to feel like I’m alive again, not just pretending I am.
It’s you. You’re the one pulling it out of me.
Pulling things I’ve never let myself feel.
It’s terrifying because it feels selfish to want you, to want this, when I should give everything to Rene.
But with you, for the first time, I don’t feel hollow.
I feel like maybe there’s something left of me worth saving. ”
“Then tonight we are going to both feel alive. We are putting the memories in the past. This moment, this time, it’s for us.”
Because everything he’d voiced was exactly what she’d felt.
Those hollow feelings in her body were there also. Not for the same reason as him, maybe not even as deeply as his were.
But wanting to live in the moment, wanting to feel like she wasn’t just moving from one day to the next to prove her worth felt on the same level.
She cupped his face, pressing her mouth to his with a force that left no space between them.
The kiss was consuming, savage and urgent, with his tongue exploring, her lips yielding, letting him take control in a way she never had before. Not in her life. Not with any man.
But Rory needed this. Needed to feel some semblance of control in a world that had stolen so much from him. And she… she needed it too.
Needed to surrender, to prove to herself that she could trust and that she could let someone in and still survive.
Why he was the first to make her feel this exposed and alive all at once she couldn’t explain. She didn’t even want to. She only knew that right here, right now, letting go was everything.
He leaned her back so she was lying on the couch, his body covering hers, her legs opening wide for him to slide between them.
They had too many clothes on. That was the first thing that had to be tackled.
Her hands went under his shirt, her fingers touching skin. Soft and firm making her hug him closer for the barest of moments. A touch of vulnerability she didn’t exhibit often.
He didn’t seem to notice, not with his hand pulling her shirt out of her jeans and sliding inside.
“You need to tell me to stop soon,” he said. “Or I’m going to end up carrying you to my bed.”
“I’m not telling you to stop,” she said.
The loss of his body on hers popped her disappointment button. She wouldn’t beg. Not anyone, not any man.
But she was damn close to it now.
He didn’t make her though. Just held his hand out for her to stand, then swung her into his arms, his lips returning to hers as he made his way to his room, his foot kicking the door shut behind him.
She hit the bed just as his body followed, pressing down on hers with a force that left no room for hesitation. This wasn’t going to be slow, sweet, or gentle. Tenderness had no place here, not for what they both needed.
Her hands shot up, gripped the bottom of his shirt, ripped it over his head in one swift motion and tossed it aside. At the same time, he pulled her top over her head sending a shiver running through her as his bare chest pressed closer.
She caught a glimpse of him kicking off his sneakers, and the heat between them flared higher, the air thick with desire and need, every movement a silent confession of what they’d both bit back from their lips.
She kicked off her shoes as she began unbuttoning her jeans, but his hands were faster, brushing hers aside and yanking them down in one swift motion along with her underwear.
“Catch up,” she murmured, her eyes tracing the lines of his chest, her fingers itching to claim the hard planes of muscle beneath her touch. She’d promised the next time she’d undo his jeans herself and she’d do that. They were hungry and desperate for this.
The moment he was left in his boxers, her eyes lit up with a spark of triumph in her gaze. She’d called that one right.
He didn’t hesitate. He lunged onto the bed, sweeping her into his arms, his mouth finding hers in the same frenzied dance from before while his fingers worked expertly to unhook her bra, peeled it away and left her bare beneath him.
As disappointed as she was when his mouth left hers, the feeling didn’t last. His lips found a puckered nipple, drawing it in and teasing with a slow, demanding suck.
His fingers discovered the other, traced over the peak, his thumb flicking in a rhythm that made her shiver and moan.
She arched into him desperate for more contact, unwilling to endure the teasing of foreplay much longer. She needed him closer. Needed him here as every nerve was on fire.
“Rory,” she growled. “Don’t make me wait.”
Her hands slid into the waistband of his boxers, cupping his ass and pulling him impossibly closer. If he wasn’t going to give her what she wanted, she’d take matters into her own hands.
He caught the hint immediately, slid down toward her, his tongue leaving a trail of goosebumps in its wake.
“I like what you’ve got going on here,” he whispered, his eyes locked on the apex between her thighs.
She’d never been one to shave it all off. That was too simple, too ordinary. Instead, she was neatly trimmed, a deliberate action that spoke of confidence, intention, and ownership, not some afterthought.
“Show me how much,” she said, her voice low, daring, and ready to run the show.
He dove in face first...literally.
His tongue out to lap her up, taste her all, let her know he wasn’t playing around.
That when he committed to something, he went all in.
That was what she wanted. What she needed.
Her fingers dug into his scalp holding his head in place until she was ready to let him move.
He found her swollen bud, sucked hard, then slid a finger inside of her.
“Oh yeah, that’s it. Right there.”
She was lifting closer to his mouth and letting his finger go deeper.
She was on the edge of something wonderful. Something earth shattering. Something she needed to shout out to the universe.
And when she came, she did exactly that. Let him know he was giving her what she needed. What no one had done in years.
Her body was throbbing and pulsing with every release and she refused to let him move away until she was ready.
The minute her hips landed on the bed motionless, he nibbled on her slower. A tiny lick, a little kiss, her sensitive bud coming alive again.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“Getting you there again,” he said, his voice vibrating along the flesh he’d just made a meal of.
The thought of a second orgasm had her building faster than she had before.
Had her holding her breath in anticipation as she waited to feel him inside of her, knowing it was going to be so much better than what she’d just experienced.
And when she felt as if she was going to explode a second time, he left her cold and moved off the bed.
She watched him drop his boxers. She needed to see all of him before he made them one.
He pulled a condom from his wallet, the motion quick and practiced, then slid it on before gathering her back into his arms. His mouth found hers, eagerly claiming her as he pressed into her slick heat where she instinctively wanted to clutch him and savor the fullness. He didn’t let her though.
This time it was more about him and she was fine with that, confident he was going to make sure she got there too.
He was pulling out and slamming in, no rhythm, no pattern, just doing what felt right for him, in turn making her crave more.
Her legs curled around his back, his grunts growing harder, deeper, like he was punishing himself or holding back. She didn’t want restraint. Not for either of them.
Her hand ran down his back, her mouth breaking away from his and moving to his ear. “Rory, let go. Let me feel all of you,” she whispered. “I’m right here waiting for it.”
The words freed them both, him to release, her to surrender. She arched into him, shivering at the thought of him coming inside her and it was enough to tip her over. Her back curved and he thrust in again and again, emptying what he had and coming to a halt on top of her.
She didn’t even mind his weight. She was strong enough to carry it for him now.