Chapter 20
Joe and Kaden retreated to their room on the top floor.
Joe wasn’t sure how Kaden was feeling. Alistair had been a client who’d turned into a friend, who maybe wasn’t either of those things because he now wanted to use him, and Joe too, to spy on someone.
He was surprised Kaden had agreed to do it and at the same time, not surprised at all. Bribe or threat?
He took out his phone, tapped into it and showed it to Kaden. Might there be a bug in here?
Kaden shrugged. He dropped onto the bed and lay on his back. Joe settled beside him, snuggling in, resting his head in the crook of Kaden’s shoulder.
“Are you regretting saying yes?” Joe asked quietly.
“No. I just want to do it now. I’m not going to think about it anymore. We’ll look for somewhere to live in a minute, then I’ll go through my routine for tonight.”
“You still want to do the gig?”
“Yes. I want my friends to meet you.”
Warmth curled inside Joe’s chest.
The search for a place to rent was a complete disaster. Every promising flat had apparently been snapped up by someone faster or maybe richer. By the time Kaden called, the places were already gone, possibly while he was still saying hello. They’d try again tomorrow.
“Aren’t you nervous?” Joe asked as they travelled to Hoopers.
“I’ll fall to pieces if people don’t laugh but…”
“I will.”
Kaden chuckled. “Make sure it’s at a place where I mean to be funny.”
Which made Joe laugh.
When they arrived, Kaden found the host and signed in. He was fifth on the list. Safely in the middle of the pack. The venue was filling up quickly but they found a table at the side of the room and pulled over extra chairs for Kaden’s friends.
“Would you like a drink?” Joe asked.
“I’ll get us one.”
He’d just come back with what looked like a pina colada for Joe—yum—and a bottle of beer for himself when a group of guys descended on their table. There was a lot of hugging. Kaden seemed to have his own fan club.
“Joe, this is Euan, Danny, Ben, Mike and Lars. Guys meet Joe. Formerly known as Jalis.”
Joe shook their hands. He didn’t miss the flicker of disappointment that crossed Ben’s face. Too bad. He’s mine now.
“So you’re the gamer,” Danny said.
“I try.” Joe smiled.
“How are you finding life in the UK?” Euan asked.
“I like it.”
“What’s not to like?” Ben muttered.
“Rudeness. Litter. Traffic. Queues. And the weather,” Joe said. “Not in that order.”
They all laughed. Even Ben, which felt like a small personal victory.
Joe’s heart was beating fast but he managed to hold his own when they asked questions. Most of them were about Afghanistan, which was easier territory.
When the first act came on, they went quiet, much to Joe’s relief. Then Kaden left the table to go backstage and gave Joe a kiss before he went. Joe made sure he didn’t look at Ben.
Kaden burst onto the stage like he was late for his own life, while the spotlight tried and failed to keep up. It swung past him. He chased it. It dodged him again. The audience was already laughing.
Oh. This is on purpose.
Finally, the spotlight caught him.
Kaden wiped his forehead dramatically. “Yes, I’m here. Hello! Good evening!”
The light slid away again. Kaden followed it.
“You’re a lively lot. Great energy. Slightly concerning eye contact from the front row—yes, you. Don’t panic. But you do remind me of a hamster.”
The guy laughed.
“No, it’s a compliment. Very…prepared. Are you storing snacks in your cheeks right now? Just in case?”
More laughter.
“Good. Because I’ve had enough trouble with normal-sized hamsters.”
Kaden paced across the stage. “Pets. When you think about it, they’re basically tiny, chaotic housemates who don’t pay towards their upkeep, cost you a fortune if they fall ill, you have to wait on them hand and foot, pick up their poop and all for those few moments when they’re cute and not biting you or licking their backside.
Is that enough compensation for the stress they cause?
You pay, what—twenty quid for a hamster?
Bargain compared to dogs and cats, especially dogs.
Then you spend three hundred pounds on what can only be described as the London Underground for Hamsters. Tubes everywhere.”
He mimed a hamster sprinting.
“My hamster, unaffectionately named Hamzilla, had razor-sharp teeth and a personality disorder. Every night, at two, he’d start running like he was powering the national grid. Not for fitness. No thoughts of cardio. Pure existential panic.”
Kaden stopped running and froze, eyes wide.
“Like—if I run fast enough… Can I escape time?”
The audience cracked up.
“And the wheel? Oh, the wheel. He’d go full speed, then just…collapse next to one sunflower seed. Like he’d earned it travelling to nowhere.”
More laughter.
“They’ve got those little plastic balls too, right? Sweet for five minutes. Then they pee. Then they poo. And suddenly you’re just watching them redecorate your mum’s living room carpet.”
Kaden shuddered.
“Hamzilla escaped once. No idea how or why. He had plenty of food. It was a locked system. Maximum security. Twenty-four hours later, I found him in a cupboard…eating blue Play-Doh.”
Pause.
“Cheeks full. Absolutely packed solid.”
Kaden stared into the crowd.
“I mean… what are you doing, you stupid creature? Kids eat Play-Doh. That’s a known issue. But a hamster? You’d think they’d know better.”
Big laugh.
“Have you ever watched them eat? You give them enough food for two days and they treat it like the apocalypse just got announced. Stuffing everything into their cheeks like they’re prepping for Armageddon. All gone in seconds. Then they don’t look cute.”
More pacing. Then he leaned forward. Joe was mesmerised.
“But in a world of uncertainty…we have to respect that attitude.”
Pause.
“They have a plan.”
Another pause. “Cheeks.” Beat. “Are.” Beat. “The.” Beat. “Answer.”
The room broke again. Joe chuckled.
“And honestly sir, yes you on the front row. You might be ahead of us all. Keep a biscuit in there. Because you never know.”
Kaden went on a little longer about Sticky and sea monkeys then gave a small bow. “You’ve been great. Stay safe. Avoid hamsters, stick insects and sea monkeys.”
The applause was loud and long, and Kaden absolutely glowed as he made his way back, getting congratulated along the way.
“Too much hamster?” he asked, dropping into his seat.
“We’re never getting one,” Joe said, conveniently forgetting his own former dental situation, though Kaden didn’t know about the mouthful of teeth he used to have.
They stayed for the other acts, Kaden holding Joe’s hand and stroking his palm with his thumb.
When they finally left, they headed to a pub, Kaden still buzzing with adrenaline. Joe was beginning to understand the power of applause.
The pub was much quieter than the club and when Kaden and Euan went off to get drinks, Ben moved to sit next to Joe.
“He’s good, isn’t he?” Ben said.
Joe nodded.
“Not easy having a relationship with a stand-up comedian. They have to travel so much and work at weekends too. Lots of late nights and time spent away. And they party pretty hard.”
Joe said nothing.
“Has he introduced you into his routine yet?”
“No.”
“He probably will. I hope you’ve got thick skin.” Ben chuckled and looked him up and down. “His skeleton boyfriend. He can do a lot with that.”
Joe understood what Ben was doing. “My skin is thicker than you’d imagine.” Formerly armour-plated. “And I have sharp teeth.” Well, not now, but Ben’s eyes widened. “Kaden only does this for fun. He doesn’t want to make a living from it. It’s more of a hobby.”
“Yeah, well, a reaction like he got tonight is hard to walk away from.”
Joe quietly sighed.
“What do you do for a living?” Danny asked.
“I’m not allowed to work until my claim for asylum’s been assessed.”
“So Kaden has to support you.” Ben smirked.
“Ben! Don’t be a dick,” Lars said.
“I’m not, but Joe’s yet another guy coming over here to make his fortune. Small boat, right?” Ben was getting louder and more aggressive. “Sponging off the state.”
“I will work once I’m allowed to,” Joe said quietly.
Kaden and Euan had arrived back with the drinks and judging by the look on Kaden’s face, he’d caught the end of the conversation.
“Joe’s not sponging off the state or off me. He has money.”
“That’s not the point,” Ben shot back, folding his arms. “It’s the principle, isn’t it? People coming over, skipping the queue.”
“There isn’t a queue,” Joe said, still calm but firmer now. “Not like you think.”
“Oh yeah? So everyone else just waits nicely, do they?” Ben laughed, but there was an edge to it. “Funny how that works.”
“Ben, seriously, drop it,” Euan said, setting the drinks down a little harder than necessary. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I know what I see,” Ben replied. “Country’s full, services stretched, and we’re supposed to just—what—clap and welcome everyone in to misuse our hospitality, our health service?”
Kaden stepped closer, placing a hand on the back of Joe’s chair, a quiet but unmistakable gesture. “You’re not ‘seeing’ anything. You’re repeating headlines.”
“And you’re what, his spokesperson now?” Ben huffed. “Bit convenient, that.”
“No,” Kaden said. “I’m someone who’s actually listened to him. His life was threatened. His family wanted him dead. They tried to kill him.”
A brief silence settled, tight and uncomfortable.
“So he says,” Ben muttered.
Lars exhaled sharply. “Mate, you’re out of line.”
“I’m asking questions,” Ben insisted, though his voice had lost some of its earlier certainty.
“No,” Danny said. “You’re picking a fight.”