Chapter 19
MALCOLM
My god, the way those words sing through me is unreal. Everything in me feels like it vibrates. I grip my arms where they’re crossed over my chest to prevent myself from reaching for him.
His rambling confession made the last few pieces of the puzzle that is Kairo Van Doren fall into place. It answers why he craves being the only one I’m looking at; why he thrives on praise; why he desperately wants to be special to someone.
He’s lived his life feeling like he didn’t matter to anyone.
His words hang in the air between us as I stare at him.
I’m not a fan of rewarding bad behavior or forgiving it without them working to make it right.
It’s a fine line with Kairo right now. Everything he just admitted to me has probably never left his mouth in front of another living person before.
Apologizing is something Kairo doesn’t do.
Asking for forgiveness and exposing his vulnerability so he’s entirely bared to me isn’t behavior he’s known for. It’s unheard of.
I drop my hands and close the small space between us, but I don’t touch him, even as Kairo sways in my direction. “Tell me again.”
He swallows. “I want to be your baby girl,” he whispers. Eyes locked on mine.
“Is that what you want?”
Kairo nods. “It’s the only thing I want.”
Fuck. The way that grips my heart and squeezes.
I grip his chin to keep his eyes on mine.
“You need to understand that your words and actions have consequences, Kairo. This isn’t a game.
I won’t chase you. You need to think about what you say before you say it.
That’s why I always ask if it’s really what you want.
I’m giving you the opportunity to change your mind and tell me the truth.
But if you do this too many more times, I’m not going to take you back.
I understand now why you go to such great lengths to protect yourself, but you need to think about me, too. I also need to protect myself.”
He nods as much as my grip on him allows.
“I’m sorry,” he murmurs. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, Malcolm.”
I believe him. As much as he’s unfamiliar with letting someone in, he’s equally inexperienced with taking another person’s emotional well-being into consideration.
“That was brave of you to tell me everything,” I say quietly, letting my grip on him loosen so I can brush my thumb over his jaw. Kairo swallows, his lip trembling. Tears glisten in his eyes. “Thank you for trusting me with your pain, baby girl.”
A sob escapes him, and I give in, pulling him into my arms where he trembles like a leaf in a storm.
I hold him tightly. “I never want to let you go, baby,” I assure him.
“I never want to leave you. I won’t. Not if it’s my choice.
You’re mine. I have no intention of ever letting you go.
But you’ll remember what I said, won’t you?
I’m not into games. I’ve been forced to play games, and my brain is far too traumatized to make room for more. ”
Kairo’s fingers dig into my back. “I’m sorry.”
“I know you are. I believe you.”
“I won’t want you to leave me again,” he whispers.
I can quite literally feel every single wall, every protective shield he’s ever erected around him, crash to the ground around our feet.
It makes the floor shake. The walls shiver.
The air around us vibrates as thirty years of barriers crumble around us.
“I want to be loved by you. I want to be your baby girl and your good boy, and I want to be the only person you look at forever.”
I squeeze him impossibly tight, painfully tight, and kiss the top of his head. “Good to hear. I want that too.”
“I never want you to leave. Even if those words come out of my mouth.”
“I know. I knew that in Chicago. But I’m too old to teach you how to deal with your emotions, Kairo.
You need to say things you mean and not things with the intent of hurting someone who loves you.
Consent in everything is important to me.
Choice is important. I spent months without a choice in anything, forced to…
” I sigh. “Choice is something everyone truly takes for granted. That’s why I will ask you what you want often.
I expect you to always be brave and tell me the truth, like the good boy you want to be for me. ”
Kairo nods, pressing his face into my neck. “Okay.”
“Want to come to bed with me?”
He nods again, but he doesn’t release me.
His arms are locked, so I pick him up, wrap his legs around my waist, and turn into my bedroom.
When I set him on the edge of my bed, I slowly undress him until he’s down to his underwear like I am.
His hands reach for mine, though, and he tugs them gently, eyes turning up to mine. A clear request.
“Want to be naked with me, do you?” I ask.
Kairo nods. “I don’t want anything between our skin,” he says quietly, cheeks pinking.
I shove mine down and watch as he shimmies out of his. Neither of us is soft. I think we’re too aware of how the tender situation between us is to be completely turned on, but being naked with each other isn’t a situation either of us will be soft during.
Once more, I bring him into my arms, wrap his legs around my waist, and knee walk across my bed until I can lie down with him. His limbs don’t loosen as he clings to me like a baby koala. I tuck my face into his neck and press a soft kiss under his ear.
“I, uh…” Kairo says quietly. “I love you. Daddy.” He adds the last word tentatively. As if he’s not sure if he’s allowed to say it again.
I grin. “Do you?”
He nods and then huffs. “Don’t make me say it again.”
“Oh no. I won’t. However.” I lift my head to look at him, and our eyes lock. “There are three things I’m going to make you say often. Can you guess what they are?”
His eyes narrow. “You want me to call you Daddy.”
“I do. Definitely.” I rub my hardening dick against his. “If nothing else, it’ll be a good code word for when you want to be fucked like an animal.”
His cheeks flush, and I know he already wants that.
“What are the two other things I want to hear you tell me?”
He doesn’t know. I don’t rub my dick against him again. Not until he figures it out. I don’t want to distract him. I see the second he thinks he knows.
“That I want to be your baby girl,” he says.
“Mmm,” I hum in agreement. “You’re going to be telling me that often, baby girl.”
He huffs, but he can’t quite hide the smile he’s struggling to contain. “I think you always want me to tell you I want to be your good boy. Right?”
“Yes,” I say and bite his lip. Kairo jerks.
“Why do you want me to be your baby girl and your good boy?” he asks. “The gender swapping is… confusing.”
“Is it?”
He stares into my face, studying all the lines as he tries to work out why I swap between the two. He doesn’t understand. That’s clear.
“I think you need to be reminded that you’re precious,” I say gently, and he inhales deeply, holding it.
“Like my precious baby girl. You’re soft and sweet and loved and spoiled and…
everything. That’s what you are to me. That’s how I’ll treat you.
You’re going to keep telling me that’s what you want because it is what you want. Isn’t it?”
Kairo blinks several times as he tries to clear the glassy shine in his eyes. “Yes,” he whispers.
“Good boy is praise. Something you need for the same but different reasons, right?”
He squints, cringing in on himself, even as he nods. He doesn’t like to acknowledge either of these softnesses in him. They’ll stay between us.
“But… why not good boy and baby boy? Or good girl and baby girl? Why do you swap?” he asks.
It’s my turn to stare into his face as I consider his question.
“Honestly? I don’t know. Maybe it’s a societal thing, right?
Girls are thought of as more fragile. Softer.
Needing more protection. They’re more… precious.
So, calling you my baby girl is a way to make sure you understand that you’re all those things to me.
I’ll make sure you feel soft and fragile and precious as I protect all those pieces of you.
Giving you a safe space to show them when you want to.
Assure you understand that you’re… deserving of being spoiled. Just like a baby girl.”
A tear slinks down his cheek, and he swallows thickly. I watch it until it disappears into his hairline.
“Maybe I swap to good boy because you identify as a man. Yeah?”
Kairo nods. “Yes.”
“So, calling you a good boy is more gender appropriate than calling you a girl. I’m working this out as we talk, so there’s a chance that my subconscious made these decisions for entirely different reasons. I never truly thought about it. I said what I felt was right at the moment I said it.”
He smiles and closes his eyes. “I like those reasons.”
“Are you comfortable with both of the endearments?”
“I am,” he says, and his hand touches my face. “You were always exactly what I needed from the moment you forced your company on me.”
“And you’re finally brave enough to acknowledge and accept it.”
Kairo sighs. “I feel like I need to say that I’m still scared and I might still… lash out. Especially when we’re here where there’s literally my entire fucking family to choose over me.”
“I’m never choosing someone over you, Kairo.”
He shakes his head. “I know. Logically, I know, Malcolm. But sometimes my fear is too loud, and I react reflexively before I can get the panic to subside. Please don’t leave me if that happens.”
His fear of being left hurts. I can feel that hurt and can’t help but wonder how many times in his life he’s interpreted one of his brothers as leaving him when life took them in a different direction.
“Look at me,” I say when he’s turned his face away. Kairo takes several deep breaths before turning his eyes to mine again. “I love you. I understand the difference between your panic-induced reaction and what recently went down in Chicago.”
“That was a panic-induced reaction,” he says.
“Was it?”
Kairo stares at me and eventually nods. “Yes. There was a voice trying to reason that you were right to call Voss because that’s the only way we were going to locate Lucy, and it’s right.
But everything else inside me screamed that you were just like everyone else, and your loyalty was to Voss.
That’s why you called him instead of trusting me. Instead of choosing me.”
“Ah.” I press my lips to his, and Kairo hiccups as he inhales. “I see. Maybe there’s no difference,” I say against his lips.
“There is,” he hedges. “And there’s kind of a fine line between them, but you’re right. It’s time I stop acting like a child and deal with my… emotions or whatever.”
I chuckle and nuzzle into his neck. “I agree with that.”
“I want to be your baby girl,” he whispers, and I hold him a little tighter. “I want to be your good boy.”
“Fuck,” I grunt as I tighten my hold on him impossibly tight.
“Right now, I want you to be my Daddy and fuck me like an animal,” he hisses through his struggle to breathe.
I laugh. “That we can do!”