Chapter 24
Karla
After Dad found me in the cemetery, I confessed to him that I’d considered taking a lot of my pain pills all at once to try to end my life.
I didn’t mean to scare him, but truthfully, I scared myself.
After that, Dad didn’t let me out of his sight until he could check me into a mental health clinic.
He also let Ellie go from her nannying position. I wasn’t quite certain how to feel about that. I wasn’t sure how to feel about a lot of things, if I was honest. My brain was tired.
At the clinic, Grandma Claire sat with me every single day for hours, and so did Dad. They didn’t leave my side. I was grateful for that, even though I was still upset with Dad.
Uncle Landon was all the way in Los Angeles, but he made his way back to Chicago to come sit with me. He brought Shay with him, which I was glad for. She was like another maternal figure, without Ellie.
I felt embarrassed that they’d come all the way out to Chicago to check on me, interrupting their whole lives because I was too weak to handle my own.
Uncle Landon came into my room first to talk to me.
He always looked different whenever I saw him, because he was always prepping or filming for some kind of movie role.
His hair was blond this go-around, as opposed to his normal brown hair.
It didn’t look bad on him, but then again, nothing looked bad on Uncle Landon.
He could’ve worn a wig that went down to his ankles, and he still would’ve been one of Hollywood’s most handsome leading men, just like my father.
I couldn’t shake off the embarrassment that I felt from having Uncle Landon see me in the mental health clinic.
“Hey, Uncle Landon,” I whispered. I tried to give him a smile, but my sad heart wouldn’t allow it.
“Hey, sport. Can I come in?” he asked as he waited in the doorway.
I nodded.
He stepped into the room and headed straight for me. He took a seat on the edge of the bed and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into the tightest hug. I hugged him back and felt as if I was on the brink of tears. What was it about hugs that made me want to fall apart lately?
“I’m sorry,” I sniffled as I pulled away from him.
“For what?”
“For being stupid and thinking about taking those pills.” I shook my head. “I wasn’t going to do it, Uncle Landon. I swear, I wasn’t.”
He rubbed my back. “You know what I am to you, Karla?”
“What’s that?”
“A safe place. You don’t have to say what you think people expect you to with me. You don’t have to lie to try to protect my feelings. OK? I’m your safe place. You can trust me. No lies here. Only truths.”
I lowered my head in shame. “I’ve thought about it before,” I said softly. “I’ve thought about it a lot since the accident.”
Uncle Landon’s eyes grew heavy, not from guilt, but maybe from understanding?
But how could someone as great as him understand a heart as broken as mine?
Still, he said it was a safe space, so I continued telling him the scary things that went through my head.
“I think I’m depressed,” I confessed as a ball of embarrassment filled my gut.
He nodded as he took my hand into his and held it. “Tell me what that’s like for you.”
My eyes welled up with tears because that request from him felt hard and loaded, but I knew the answer all too well.
“Every day is hard. Even the good days feel hard, and I don’t know how to stop my heart from hurting.
Everyone around me is so happy all the time lately, too.
Lorelai is the happiest kid in the world.
Dad is moving on with Eleanor. Everyone is getting better after the accident, except for me.
Everyone is healing but me. It pisses me off, too.
It makes me so angry that everyone is happy except for me.
That’s all I want. I want to be happy, Uncle Landon. ”
He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and pulled me into his side.
“You’ll get there Karla, I swear. I know it sounds corny as shit, but these things take time.
When your mind is heavy, you have to go through a lot of tests and trials to figure out what works for you and what doesn’t.
Sometimes it’s meditation, other times it’s medication.
There’s no one way through depression, Karla.
You have to find out what works for you; you have to learn your triggers.
I promise you, just because you deal with depression, it doesn’t mean it’s a death sentence. ”
I lowered my head and studied my hands. “I don’t want to die,” I whispered. I meant it, too. I just struggled with living.
“I know, and we are going to do everything in our power to make sure we figure out what works best for you.”
“How do you know so much about depression? You have everything. I doubt you’ve ever been sad a day in your life.”
He chuckled softly. “You have no clue how ironic that comment is.”
“What? I mean it. I bet you’ve never even cried before from being sad.”
“I cried today when I heard about you. I’ve cried plenty of times due to my own sadness. Look.” He rolled up his sleeves on his shirt and took my hand into his. He ran my fingers across his tattoos, across his scarred skin. “Do you feel that?”
“Yeah. What is that?”
“My past sadness. I used to self-harm because I was trying to figure out my own depression.”
My eyes widened. “You used to hurt yourself?” That broke my heart. Why would someone as great as him ever hurt himself?
“I did. I was searching for a way to feel something. To feel anything. It took me a while to learn what worked for me, but trust me when I say I have a lot more happy days than bad ones nowadays. I find reasons to smile every single day, and one of those reasons is you, Karla. This world is better because you are here, and you’re going to make a difference in the most magical way.
I just need you to keep fighting, knowing that you have a strong team in your corner, OK? ”
“I will. I promise. Mom wouldn’t want me to give up,” I said.
“You’re right. She wouldn’t. I know she’s looking down on you right now with pride because she sees how strong you’re being through all of this.”
I smiled a little, and he smiled back. I looked back at the tattoos that hid his scars. “I’m glad you didn’t hurt yourself too much as a kid. I would’ve missed you too much if you weren’t around. I’m really happy you’re still here, Uncle Landon.”
He leaned in and kissed my forehead. “I’m really happy that you’re still here, too.”
We talked a bit longer, and I told him that I worried about how I’d ruined things for Dad. Uncle Landon told me the only thing Dad cared about was me being OK.
Uncle Landon hugged me and cried happy tears that I was still alive before he left. He told me that my heart was important and that it was meant to beat loudly.
I cried with him.
He didn’t shame me for my tears, and I didn’t shame him for his. Sometimes in life, you need another person to not only let you cry but cry alongside you. It makes the dark days less lonely.
He told me he’d be back in the morning, and he was.
He was there every single day that followed, too.