Chapter 50
Ash
I was a coward. There was no getting around it.
I’d been avoiding Karla because I was spiraling deeper into my mind.
Seeing her in that hospital bed triggered me.
I couldn’t get the image out of my mind.
I hadn’t slept in days because of that fact.
Still, I was a coward. I owed Karla a conversation.
I just hadn’t a damn clue what to say to her.
One day after I walked home from a game of basketball with the guys, I was surprised to see Greyson sitting on my front porch. The moment he saw me, he stood.
“Greyson, what are you doing here?” I asked, confused. “How do you remember where I live?”
“You are a man talking to my daughter. I know everything I need to know about you, Ash. The same way I knew when you were a teenager.” He walked toward me. “I’m sorry that life’s been hard for you, son.”
The word “son” hit me straight in my chest.
I didn’t know what to say.
“You’re scared of losing my daughter,” he stated. “I get that. I’ve been scared of that with her, too, ever since the accident that took her mother. Hell, even longer than that, probably. I’ve been scared of losing my daughter since the day she took her first breath.”
I lowered my head, ashamed of the fact that he was right. “I didn’t mean to fuck this up with her.”
“Yeah, well, that’s part of being human.
We fuck up. Then we forgive. Then we heal.
Together. So you got a little spooked, so what?
Apologize. Try again. Stay even when it’s scary.
Especially when it’s scary. Because that’s what love is .
. . staying even though you know tomorrow isn’t promised, because you’d hate to miss even a second with that person.
Love is staying. So Ash . . . please stay with my daughter.
I think she needs you just as much as you need her. ”
“What if she doesn’t forgive me? This isn’t my first fuck up.”
“Yeah, and it probably won’t be your last. And she’ll probably be pissed at you.
She’ll probably cuss you out. Take it all in.
Let her be mad. Let her yell and then stay.
Stay again, and again, and again. That is how you heal.
By staying.” He gave me a slight nod before he began to walk toward his car, but something made him pause his footsteps.
He looked at the house and gestured toward the basketball hoop above my garage. “You play basketball?” he asked.
“I do. Do you?”
He puffed his chest out “All-star in high school,” he said with a smug smile as he dusted his shoulder. “Took the team to state and won.”
I laughed. “All right, I see, I see. I used to play in school, too, before . . .” My words faded off, because I knew I’d struggle to get the final words out. I played before Rian passed away.
Greyson must’ve noticed my discomfort, but he nodded in understanding. “I get it. I couldn’t play for a while after Nicole passed away.” He glanced around the street before clearing his throat. “Want to play a quick game? First one to twenty-one wins.”
I smirked. “No offense, old man, but I’m probably going to beat you. I play basketball almost every week with my friends. You might have been an all-star in high school, but you don’t have those same high school knees anymore,” I joked.
“Oh, a cocky one, eh? This old man here is ready to show you how good my knees still are. Grab a basketball.”
I did as he said. I grabbed a basketball from the garage as Greyson took off his jacket and loosened his tie. He then began to roll up the sleeves of his button-down shirt to prepare for the game.
“Again, first one to twenty-one wins. Want to put a bet on the table?” he asked, stretching his arm over his chest. “If I win, you have to talk to my daughter tonight.”
I arched an eyebrow. “OK. Just to be clear, you’re not going to win, but I accept that bet. But regardless of the outcome of you losing, I’ll make sure to talk to Karla tonight.”
“Swear?” he questioned. That word meant more to me than he knew. It made me think about all the promises Karla and I had made to each other over the years.
I nodded. “Swear.”
He grabbed the basketball from me and began to dribble. “All right. Game on.”
We played for a while, and to my surprise, Greyson kicked my ass.
What kind of damn vitamins was that old man on?
How had he managed not only to beat me but to do it in record time?
Also, the guy didn’t even break a sweat.
He was dunking on me as if he was in the NBA, leaving me out of breath as I collapsed against the pavement.
“Geez,” I breathed out, wiping the sweat from my brow. “I apologize for doubting you.”
He walked over to me with a smirk and held his hand out toward me. I grabbed hold of him, and he pulled me up without any effort. Not to be dramatic, but I wasn’t a little guy. What kind of workouts did that man do? He hardly sweat during the whole game.
Greyson kept holding my hand for a minute and locked eyes with me. “Talk to my daughter tonight. Even if you’re scared. It’s OK to still do things even if you’re scared.”
I knew he was right, and I knew Karla and I had to have a conversation before the end of the day—even though I was terrified of that talk.
I thanked him as he wrapped me into a hug and patted my shoulder before he said, “If you ever need someone to talk to, don’t hesitate to reach out to me.
” He then began to walk off toward his car to drive away.
Before he opened his driver’s door, he turned back toward me.
“Oh, and by the way, I think you have a visitor in your place. I dropped them off to say hi.” Without giving me time to ask him what he meant, he hopped into his car and drove away.
With curiosity, I headed toward my front door, and I turned the knob. It was already unlocked. How did Greyson get something—or someone—into my home? And moreover, who the heck would he let into my place?
My first thought was Karla. Did he manage to get her into my place so I could apologize to her? I walked into the house, and my chest tightened as I saw a very familiar person standing in the middle of the kitchen.
“Maa?”
My mother turned around to face me, and for a split second when her eyes locked with mine, I saw my little brother. “Hey, son.”
“What do you mean, ‘Hey, son’? Maa, what are you doing back in Chicago? What are you doing in this house?”
She glanced around the kitchen and then back to me. “Maybe we should sit in the family room.”
Those words rushed through my brain. I hadn’t set foot in that room since Rian passed away.
I shook my head. “We can go to the living room to talk.”
She agreed. We headed to the living room and sat on the sofa.
I was still so perplexed at why she was at the house.
She must’ve seen the confusion on my face because she began to explain.
“Greyson East showed up to my house two days ago in North Carolina. We had a heart-to-heart about some hard things. We talked about him losing his first wife, and I talked about losing Rian and your father . . .” Her words trailed off slightly.
“I mean, I know your father and I were not together when he passed away, but—”
“You still lost him.”
“Yes.” She smiled a sad grin. “I still lost him. I think I lost myself well before that, too.” She shook her head.
“I loved your father so much, Ash. But after Rian died, I struggled. Your father wanted to hold on to your brother’s memory.
I wanted to let Rian go, because it was too heavy.
I couldn’t breathe, and it felt like your father was drowning me in the memories of him.
So I pushed him away. I was broken, and I pushed the love of my life away because I wasn’t brave enough to heal. ”
“Maa . . . what are you getting at?”
“I have a lot of regrets in my life, but the two biggest were me pushing you and your father away. My biggest regret was not loving you both enough through my grief, and now that’s something I have to live the rest of my life with, that guilt.
If I knew then what I know now, I would’ve leaned into your father and never let him go.
I would’ve held you tighter, too. I would’ve been better. ”
“We were all just doing the best we knew how to do, Maa. I don’t blame you.”
“You should. I wasn’t a mother to you or a wife to your father. I wasn’t even a friend. You both deserved more from me, and I am sorry that I wasn’t there the way I should’ve been for you.”
I nodded, taking her words to heart. “Thank you, Maa.”
She placed a hand on my knee. “Greyson told me about your relationship with his daughter. Do you love her, Ashish?”
“I do.”
“Then you need to do the opposite of what I did, son. You need to lean into Karla with your fears, and you need to let her lean into you with hers. You both need to catch each other. You can’t run forever, Ash.
Trust me . . . your feet will tire, and you’ll be left all alone. Don’t be like me. Don’t be left alone.”
I pulled her into a hug. “You don’t have to be left alone either, Maa. I’ll do better with you, too. I got you. You can lean into me.”
That was when she began to cry against my shoulder. I held her as long as she needed me to. After about five minutes, she took a step away from me and gathered herself. “Everything’s exactly as it was before I left. Nothing has been moved.”
“Yeah . . . I kind of wanted to keep it exactly as Dad had it. It felt like honoring his memory.”
She smiled at me and looked up in the direction of the staircase. “Do you know after your brother died, I never set foot in his bedroom? I just couldn’t bring myself to do it, no matter how hard I tried.”
“Same here, Maa. And trust me, I’ve tried a lot.”
She took a deep breath. “Will you go in there with me? I think maybe it’s time.”
My nerves skyrocketed as her request settled into my mind. I was terrified to see inside of Rian’s world after all this time, but I knew that Mom needed it. I kind of felt as if I did, too.
“Let’s do it,” I said, walking toward the staircase. She followed in my steps. I stood in front of Rian’s door, my heart pounding rapidly in my chest. My hand fell to the doorknob. I released a weighted sigh.
And I turned the knob.
The moment we walked into the bedroom, both of our eyes teared up. It felt like we had stepped into a time capsule and returned to over a decade ago. Rian’s world had come back to life, and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
A part of me thought about leaving. A bigger part of me wanted to stay for hours.
Maa walked around the space, touching each of Rian’s toy car collection. She flipped through his old notebooks and old photos of us he had taped to his wall.
I picked up one of his black hoodies, then grabbed one of his photo albums that was filled with many of the photographs that Rian took throughout the years.
Maa cried.
I cried, too.
Maa took one of his photos off the wall and smiled down at it. It was a picture of him and me when we were kids on Halloween night. I was a zombie, and Rian was a T. rex. “Gosh, remember his dinosaur phase? He wouldn’t go anywhere without roaring loudly at people.”
“Remember he growled at his second-grade teacher?” I snickered.
Maa laughed. “Oh, how could I forget. That was the same year he bit one of his classmates.”
I smiled.
I missed him.
She picked up another picture of Rian and me, staring in awe. “He loved you so much, Ashish.”
“Growing up with him, Dad, and you was a privilege.”
Maa’s eyes stayed weepy. “I’m sorry I left, Ash. This was our home. This was where I should’ve stayed. This was all just . . .” Her words faded off as she shook her head and hugged one of Rian’s sweatshirts. “I couldn’t breathe, mera beta,” she sniffled. “I just couldn’t breathe.”
I nodded in understanding. “I know, Maa. I get it. I couldn’t either. But I think it’s time. Saas lena,” I said. Breathe.
Being in his room felt like coming home to him. I could feel him all over again, and I was grateful that I was able to do that with my mother by my side. Feeling things deeply was still hard for me. But at least that evening, Maa was there feeling the hard things right alongside me.
“You know what brings me a little peace?” Maa asked.
“What’s that?”
“The idea that the two of them are together.”
I thought the same over the past few years. Dad was probably with Rian, holding his hand, vowing to never let go of my little brother again.
“You know what brings me a little peace?” I asked. She looked my way with raised eyebrows, waiting. “You being here with me.”
She grinned and pulled me into a side hug. “I was thinking I would cook us dal tonight,” Maa said. Dal was a lentil stew that was packed with flavor. She used to cook it for the family all the time when I was younger. It was one of Rian’s favorite meals. She hadn’t cooked it since he passed away.
Maa was back in her element the moment we stepped into the kitchen. She moved around the space as if she hadn’t been gone for nearly ten years. Dad created that space for her and her love for cooking. Luckily, I hadn’t moved a thing since she last left. Everything was exactly where she’d left it.
It felt good to see her back with her dishes and pans. I helped Maa chop up some items as we talked about anything and everything. We talked about Dad and Rian, too. It felt both easy and hard to talk about them at times.
Within a few hours, the house smelled like my favorite memories of our past. I swore the space felt brighter, too, as if sunlight decided to hit the windows after years of darkness.
She had me taste the stew, and I almost cried from how much comfort it brought me.
I missed her cooking, and I missed her.
Maa smiled at me. Her smile felt like home.