Chapter 16 #2
“You gave up the throne. And now Jaxon thinks he has to carry it, even if it destroys him. Even if it destroys us.”
I didn’t mean to say that last part out loud, but once it’s out there, I can’t take it back.
Hudson doesn’t respond. Instead, he just circles, waiting for what I’m going to do—or say—next.
To distract him, I come in with a high swing, which he catches and returns. We stay like that for several minutes, blades whirring. Futures clashing. Striking against each other over and over again as we battle for who the fuck knows what.
“I’m sorry this is hurting you,” he finally says. “I never intend—”
“I’m not hurt,” I bite out. “I’m pissed off.
Jaxon is killing himself to live up to a legacy that is so far beneath him he shouldn’t even be thinking about it.
But he is, because you decided you get to choose.
What the fuck is the point of putting up with all the shit that comes from being the second-born son if you end up having to rule anyway? ”
“Are we talking about Jaxon now?” Hudson asks quietly, his blade cutting softly in a swing even a child could stop. “Or you?”
“Does it matter?” I demand, coming at him with a much harder swing. “The results are the same. You and Grace together. Jaxon and me apart.”
Hudson meets my swing, and we clash again, over and over, harder and harder. Until he spins in a circle so smooth and powerful that the flash of his sword knocks my blade from my hand and sends it clattering across the floor.
I stare at him, sweating, eyes narrowed, breath bellowing in and out. Furious, hurt, devastated.
“I know Damien was a monster!” I explode. “I know you did what had to be done. But it doesn’t change the fact that I’m the one left with a throne I never wanted and no one to share it with.”
I bend down, grab my sword, grip it like it’s the only thing keeping me upright—because maybe it is. Well, that and the rage that keeps welling up inside me.
I wait for Hudson to swing at me again, but instead, he walks through the open doors at the end of the training room to the courtyard beyond.
I follow him, because what the fuck else am I going to do?
When I catch up, he’s sitting on a bench, staring out at the choppy, wind-tossed Atlantic. “I know it doesn’t feel like this right now, but you haven’t lost Jaxon.”
I think of my father, of the dragon clans so determined to seize power. “No one wants us to be together.”
He turns to face me, and that fucking eyebrow is up again. “Does it matter what anybody else wants?”
“It matters what Jaxon wants.” Our fight from earlier comes back to me, all the anger I have at him, at myself, flooding me at once. It reminds me that my rage at Hudson is misplaced. That this isn’t his fault.
Jaxon doesn’t want me enough to choose me. He’s never wanted me enough.
I start to head back inside, but suddenly Hudson is there beside me, his hand on my shoulder. Damn vampires and their damn fading.
“What Jaxon wants is to protect you,” he tells me softly.
“From himself?” I fire back.
“From everything. And yes, absolutely from himself.”
“You think I don’t know what I’m getting into?” I demand.
“I think you know exactly what you’re getting yourself into,” he answers, his gaze steady on mine. “But what I think doesn’t matter here.”
“Yeah, well, join the club,” I mutter, stalking over to the nearest bench and sinking down on it. It’s made of stone and so cold that it sends a chill right up my spine—or at least that’s the story I’m feeding myself.
“Jaxon’s terrified,” Hudson says as he sits down on the opposite end of the bench.
“Of loving me?” I glance over at the gargoyle statue in the corner of the courtyard, one of its wings broken clean off. I’m pretty sure I know how it feels.
“Of hurting you.” He sighs. “Jaxon might be the biggest pain in the arse on the planet, but that’s because he doesn’t believe in doing anything halfway.”
“Pretty sure you mean biggest pain in the ass in the universe.”
Hudson grins. “You won’t find me arguing with that.” But then he grows serious again. “Jaxon loves with his whole heart. And that heart is built on guilt. On sacrifice. On fear. He thinks loving you means giving you up. And that doing so is the noble thing to do.”
“That’s the problem—he’s always going to think that way.” My dragon ripples under my skin as my unhappiness grows, his talons threatening to burst through the ends of my fingertips.
“You’re not going to change Jaxon,” he agrees.
“So I should change myself?” I counter caustically. “Believe me, I’m trying not to want him.”
“That’s not what I meant.” Hudson pauses like he’s trying to think of the perfect words. But that only annoys me more. Nothing about this situation is perfect. A few pretty words aren’t going to change that.
“Just say what you mean,” I seethe.
“Grace and I didn’t change for each other.”
“No, you just ignored everything so that you could be together—” I start.
“Ignored?” he counters. “Or decided not to accept what always has been?”
“Is there a difference?”
“I don’t know.” He lifts that damn brow again. “Is there?”
“Damn it, Hudson—”
“Grace and I are changing the story.” He stands up. “Maybe you two should think about doing the same thing.”
“It’s not that easy,” I answer as I stand, too.
He laughs. “If you want easy, I suggest you let Jaxon go now.”
I already have. The words tremble on my lips. I don’t know why, but I bite them back. Maybe because saying them out loud to someone else—to Jaxon’s brother—will make them feel real.
“And if I don’t want easy?” I ask, even as I tell myself it’s too late.
“Then you hold on.” Hudson’s voice turns dark, and I know we’re not just talking about Jaxon and me now.
We’re talking about him and Grace, too. “You hold on and you don’t let anything—not duty, not fear, not the past, nothing—get in the way.
And when shite gets messed up, and it will, you still don’t let go.
You find a way over or under or around or through whatever fooking obstacle there is.
Because they’re worth it. And so are you. ”
“That’s easy for you to say. Grace wants to be with you,” I tell him.
“And Jaxon wants to be with you. Of everything you’ve said, everything he’s done, I don’t think that one simple truth is in dispute. It’s everything else that’s screwing the two of you up. You both just have to figure out a way not to let it.”