Chapter 6
Keel needed a workout. After a quick shower, he pulled on workout clothes and headed out.
He ran, then stopped for sit-ups, pushups, burpees, and when he found a set of pull-up bars, he did fifty, trying to wear himself out and forget about how much fun he was having with Frankie. She didn’t need his shit.
After the workout, he showered, then ate chicken and broccoli. He drank plenty of water, then grabbed a beer and headed outside to sit. He wished Link had a hammock, but it was a lot to keep up with.
He was catching up on messages when he heard a sniffle from the balcony next to his. “Frankie, is that you?”
“Yeah,” she squeaked, her voice sounding like she was crying.
“What’s up?”
She sniffled again. “This fucking book.”
“Oh, yeah, it hits hard at first.”
“I thought you said it would make me feel better.”
“You have to dig out the shit before you can get better. It’s hard to dig out of a pit when it’s all you know.”
“The author is right. I stayed with Forest because he was abusive. If he’d been nice, I would have walked away. I wanted trash because I felt like trash.”
Her words twisted through him. He knew what she was talking about. He’d stayed with Shana, though she’d been wrong for him. Once he walked, he was able to heal. “I’m sorry it hurts. This is the work you have to do to get to the other side.”
“Will you sit out here for a little while longer while I read? You don’t have to talk, I just don’t want to feel so alone.”
“Sure. I may need to grab another drink or go in for a minute, but I’ll eat dinner out here.”
“Thank you. I’ll eat out here, too. I just want to know someone is near.”
“I’ve got you. I’m going to go back to my email. Give a call out if you need to talk.”
It took him a while to get back to his email since his thoughts were on Frankie.
And even when he did start in on his email, he heard her crying.
He remembered how intense the first few chapters of the book were.
They’d wrecked him. He’d cried like a baby, but after a few days, he’d really learned some stuff about himself and figured out how to keep going.
He hoped it would be good for Frankie. No one deserved what she’d gone through.
She’d punished herself, and hopefully she could figure out a way to come back to at least liking herself.
Loving herself may be too much for now. It had taken him a while to get to the point of loving himself, but that was after a lot of very dark days and even darker nights where the only solution to his problems had seemed to be joining his parents.
He crawled out of a hole and never wanted to drop back into it.
He couldn’t force Frankie out of the hole, but he would extend a hand and try to help her pull herself out. Sometimes that was all that was needed. At least he hoped it was in Frankie’s case.
Frankie closed her eyes, trying to keep the pain from swamping her. It was nearly overwhelming to the point that her entire body hurt, and even her feet seemed to be in pain.
How could she forgive herself? She had to get past this feeling inside. It was eating her, eating her like an alligator would, pulling her under, then coming back to feast on her when the thoughts intruded.
It had been easier to be drunk and high than to remember the flames eating the house, consuming her parents, knowing she’d caused it. She was to blame for their deaths. She felt that in her soul.
Not one day had she forgotten that she’d been the cause of that fire.
After the first day, the police had asked her if she’d set the fire to cover a murder.
She’d broken down, crying on the floor in the interview room.
The only reason she hadn’t been thrown in jail was the smoke in her parents’ lungs and the lack of external wounds.
They were into taking sleeping pills, into using chemicals to get sleep. She had known her parents had gone to some clinic that promised uninterrupted sleep, and they’d bought into the process. They hadn’t woken when the alarms rang, and that had nearly destroyed her.
She should have gone upstairs to get them, but when she stepped from the restroom, she was blocked by flames, unable to even enter the kitchen. The stairs in the front had been blocked by fire. She’d tried to get in, but the fire had defeated her.
She couldn’t believe how stupid she’d been. The book said blaming herself wouldn’t solve her problems. It hadn’t so far. She needed to accept what she’d done and forgive herself.
It was easier said than done. If only she’d made a different decision. If she had not turned on the stovetop, not gone into the bathroom, not opened her phone, not scrolled on social media. Everything would be different if she hadn’t woken up to eat.
Dinner hadn’t happened because her mom had been having trouble with the oven. Said something was wrong with it and it wouldn’t turn on, so she went upstairs and drifted off to sleep, only to wake up starving.
She’d made a huge mistake that had cost her everything. Now she had to forgive herself for her mistake. Was she strong enough?
Keel had gone inside earlier and just came back out. She heard utensils tap on ceramic. “What are you eating?”
He grunted, then it sounded like he wiped his mouth. “Chicken and vegetables. I also made a potato, and yes, I put butter on it. It’s good.”
“Nice.”
“Are you about to eat?”
She shook her head and then rolled her eyes because he couldn’t see her. “I was thinking of eating the rest of the breakfast sandwich.”
“That would be good. Do you still have the pastry from this morning?”
“I do.”
“You should eat it.”
She snorted a laugh. “Forest wouldn’t let me have chocolate, or pastries, or any sweets. Nothing.”
“That’s sick. No one should restrict another person’s food. I mean, if you personally decide not to eat something, that’s your decision, but no one has the right to tell you what you can or cannot eat.”
“He did. And I let him because I thought it was a just punishment for everything that I’d done. How do I forgive myself?”
He was silent for a moment, and it sounded like he took another bite and chewed. “Sometimes we make terrible decisions. I’ve made a few that have been awful. The book does go through steps to forgive yourself. It will take some time.”
“How long did it take you?”
“A long time. We did a lot of rucks and bivouac.”
His words made her laugh. “I’m sorry, what?”
“Camping. Walking all day, then setting up a place to sleep under the stars. I had time to think. Sitting out here, watching the sun rise, the waves come in, let it heal you. We’ll eat breakfast in the morning, and we can go for a walk after. Spend some time just being with yourself.”
“Okay.”
She wanted this process to be easier. Wanted to snap her fingers, or throw money at the problem, not that she had any money. It was easier to party like crazy and ignore everything. But she’d tried all that, and it didn’t work. Nothing worked. Maybe Keel’s way would be the solution.