Chapter 60
Victor
“Hey, Vic, can I talk to you for a minute?” Sheila’s voice is small and distant.
“Sure thing, Sheils.” I follow her into the kitchen, leaving Ty, Wolf, and all our wives in the dining room.
The kitchen looks like a picture from a travel magazine.
It’s full of color and personality, bright blues and yellows, accented with decorative tiles.
It reminds me of a Mexican villa kitchen with restaurant-grade appliances.
I remember when Cookie told me about how he had the kitchen remodeled as a surprise for Sheila.
He loved Sheila’s cooking. Always said she should have her own show and cookbooks.
Sheila looked like a shell of herself when we arrived, but was relieved to see us. After receiving the news, Ty, Emma, Gabbi, and I packed our things and got on the earliest flight we could.
Cookie and Sheila fell in love with Florida when we were all stationed here, but the rest of us decided to move after retirement. I wonder what our lives would have been like if we all stayed together. Would he still be here?
D was already here when we arrived, but has been out of the house with Cookie’s two daughters. He’s good at distracting, plus I think he needed a distraction for himself.
Sheila leads me all the way up to her and Cookie’s bedroom before she puts her hand up to stop me, “Wait here.” Stopping in the middle of the bedroom, I take a look around while Sheila continues into the closet.
There are pictures of Cookie and Sheila hanging around the room in beautiful gold-rimmed frames.
The photos are from their vacations in Mexico and Hawaii, their wedding day, them kissing, and hugging.
Both genuinely looking happy and in love.
I don’t know how he ever snagged a sweet, quiet girl like her, but they were complete opposites and completely meant for each other.
Being here makes me feel like he’s going to walk into this room and start slinging shit at me for being in his bedroom with his wife.
Just as I start to remember he’s gone and my heart starts to crack open again, as it has every time I’ve remembered over the past 24 hours, Sheila comes out of the closet with an envelope in her hand.
No fucking way. “Sheila…” My head starts involuntarily shaking to say no.
“Vic, don’t do that. You know what this is. I can’t give it to anyone else.” Fresh tears start to fall from her eyes, rewetting the dried tear tracks down her cheeks. She’s been crying off and on since we got here, and I’m sure more before our arrival.
Standing in front of me, Sheila dips her head to look at the white envelope she’s clinging to with both hands.
In the service, before each deployment, we would write letters to our loved ones in case anything happened to us.
It was the duty of our surviving teammates to get those letters home.
I’m praying to whatever entity is “watching over” us that this is a letter from a past deployment and not what I think it is.
I reach out and hold her hands when I ask, “Is this one from our deployments?” Sheila shakes her head, shoulders shaking with an audible sob, and my heart drops with the weight of devastation.
This is a new letter. One that he wrote recently. “I found it on the kitchen table when he left yesterday. It’s addressed to you, Vic.”
“Did you read it?” I ask, gently. Wouldn’t blame her if she did.
Sheila shakes her head, “No.” She pauses for a few seconds before continuing, “He left and said he was going to run some errands. I should have known something was wrong. He woke me up early with a big smile on his face and made love to me, but something was off. He made me breakfast and said such sweet things to me. It was like he was making sure I knew he loved me.” Her bottom lip starts to wobble, but she regains her composure quickly.
After taking a deep breath, she starts to speak again, “Vic, Jake has been so good the last few weeks, sober, present, involved, all of it. I don’t know what happened. ”
The sound of Cookie’s birth name throws me off. I stare at Sheila, not knowing what to say, but wishing I could put together any set of coherent words that would help.
“Before D came out here, Jake was in a bad way. I’m sure you heard about the car accident he responded to.
” I nodded, still at a loss for a single word.
She looks back down at the letter, “Something D probably didn’t share with you was what caused Jake to quit drinking.
” Fuck, I’m not sure I want to hear this.
Again, I can’t find the words to stop Sheila from proceeding, so she continues.
Sheila takes a deep breath, and I brace for impact.
“A few weeks back, D left to go out with some of his buddies in the area while Jake took me on a date. You know D’s hometown is only like 30 minutes from here.
” I nod. “Anyway, the girls were at their friends’ houses, so we had the place to ourselves.
Jake had a few too many beers when we were out, so we came home early.
” She pauses, I think, to collect herself before proceeding.
“When we got home, Jake was a mess. He started crying and telling me about the accident, but was mixing the details up with that mission you both were on years ago. You know, when you lost your whole team?” A familiar sting swipes across my eyes and down my nose, while goosebumps break across my skin, but I let her continue.
“I got him up to bed, but he passed out before changing, so I tried to at least get his shirt and jeans off since he’s like a human heater.
Well, I mean…he was…” I definitely don’t like where this is going.
Especially given that Sheila’s starting to get a faraway look in her eyes and her tears have stopped.
I recognize that look. She’s letting herself go numb.
After a few slow breaths, she continues, “I must have startled him.” I can see all the emotions rushing back.
Her voice cracks with a sob, and she loses her words.
I wrap my arms around her, finally finding my voice, “It’s okay, you can tell me. I won’t judge, I promise.” Too many people hear what I’m about to hear and react before the full story is out. Even though I can feel anger starting to brew in my belly, I’m not going to be one of those people.
She nods against my chest, accepting my words, and takes another breath.
“He didn’t know who I was when he woke. I startled him and he…
he…shit,” her hands fly up to her face, covering it entirely, the tears breaking through once again.
“He threw me down on the bed and started choking me. His eyes were wild, Vic, he couldn’t see me.
He thought I was someone else. He kept yelling that you’re not gonna fuckin’ stop me from going home motherfucker, and that you may have killed my team, but me and my goddamn brother are going home. ”
“Shit.” I breathe. It’s all I can say. I know those words. Cookie kept yelling them when he killed one of the men who attacked us.
“I can only assume what those words mean to you. There was nothing I could say to get him to stop. I was losing consciousness, and if it wasn’t for Jake screaming those words, D would have never heard the commotion. D came bursting in the door and pulled Jake off me right before I blacked out.”
“Fuck.” I seem to have lost the entirety of my vocabulary in the midst of this story. “What happened when Cook sobered up?” My voice is hoarse, but still without judgment.
Sheila pulls from my hug and sits on the end of her bed as I continue to stand a few feet from her.
Her hands rest in her lap with the letter still between them, shoulders slumped, and head hanging down.
“He had a complete meltdown, Vic. He cried so hard when D told him. He was a mess. Then… then he saw the handprints he left on my throat and went crazy. He was so mad at himself that he ended up putting his fist through a couple of mirrors and a window. Once D got him calmed down, Jake apologized profusely for all of it and immediately called the Veterans Affairs clinic to get an appointment with a psych doc. He said he wanted help and never wanted this to happen to me again.”
“So, then what happened?” I had no idea about any of this.
Sheila shook her head, “They told him they couldn’t get him in for two months.” What?
“So, he didn’t make an appointment?”
“No, he did. I guess he just couldn’t wait that long. I actually got a call from them this morning. Well, they called Jake, obviously, I have his phone.” She shrugs.
My eyebrows shoot up. “What did they say?”
Sheila’s head goes back down into her hands, smashing the letter between them, and a new wave of sobs rings out as she answers, “They said they could get him in tomorrow.”
I head downstairs with a gut full of rage and despair, laced with sadness. My hand feels like it’s on fire from the unread letter I’m holding. Stepping into the living room, silence falls over everyone as they see me approach. “Sheila?” Gabbi is the first to ask.
“Upstairs.” My voice is rough to the point I don’t recognize it as my own. “She needs you.” Emma, Gabbi, and Sabrina, Wolf’s wife, are running up the stairs before the words are fully out of my mouth. Gabbi stops for a quick moment to squeeze my empty hand and kiss my cheek before continuing past.
D’s back. He, Wolf, and Ty all remain standing in the living room waiting for me to say something, but I can’t.
I don’t know what to say. D looks…well, he looks like shit.
I stare at him, waiting, but not sure what I’m waiting for.
When his eyes slip up to mine, I can see the desperation in them, the guilt, the anger.
His eyes fall to my hand, grasping the letter, and immediately, I recognize rage.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” D raises his voice as he steps in front of me. Ty and Wolf’s eyes snap to us, probably trying to determine what the issue is. “He left it to you?”
I can feel the anger radiating off D’s body. All remnants of the happy-go-lucky, golden retriever bad boy are gone. In his place is a guilt-ridden ball of self-loathing and hate. “D, listen…”
“NO! You fucking listen…” His reaction is expected. From the look on Ty and Wolf’s faces, they expected this as well. He’s angry at himself. He blames himself.
Before he can go any further, I put my hand up and he stops. Looking at Ty, I ask, “Where are Cook’s kids?”
D answers with a sneer, “I dropped them at Cookie’s sister’s house. They were upset they didn’t have anything to wear for the funeral, so she took them to get something.” I nodded, accepting his answer, lowering my hand, giving him the go-ahead. I know what’s coming and I’m ready for it.
“What? Do you think I don’t know how to take care of them either? Fucking D, right? Can’t take care of anyone? Can’t do anything right? Well, I FUCKING KNOW! I don’t need you,” he points to me before pointing to Ty and Wolf, “to tell me that I fucked up! I know I fucked up!”
I step toward him at the same time as Ty and Wolf. D’s eyes are closed, squeezing out drops of salty liquid as he grits his teeth. “D…” My voice is calm, quiet, and steady.
His eyes snap open, meeting mine. “Don’t, Kid.
Just don’t. I don’t want your goddamn pity.
” We all take another step toward him. “I didn’t do what you all asked of me.
I didn’t protect her, fuck, I didn’t protect him.
This is on ME!” D smashes his fist against his chest, and his body continues to shake.
Another step. D finally breaks eye contact with me and looks to Ty and Wolf.
A flash of fear reflects in his eyes, like an animal backed into a corner.
“Don’t fucking touch me!” D starts to move, and all three of us collapse against him, bracing our arms around him.
He starts to thrash and fight us. Ty catches an elbow to the cheek, while Wolf gets a knee to his thigh.
Both give an audible grunt at the impact, but we all still hold on.
D’s staring into my eyes, and I see his head lean back; this motherfucker is going to headbutt me.
He snaps his head forward, but I lean my head to the right and pull him in closer.
All of us are breathing heavily. D is still struggling to get away from us, but is tiring. At a window of opportunity, I lean my head to his ear, bracing my forehead against his temple, and tell him, “This is not your fault.”
“FUCK YOU!” Is his response along with renewed flailing.
I push my head against his even harder, “Caleb,” he stills at my use of his name, “none of this is your fault. None of this is on you, brother. None of it.”
D’s thrashing subsides but turns into violent body shakes as he breaks down into sobs.
Ty, Wolf, and I brace tighter, holding him up as his body convulses and sags.
“I witnessed it, Vic, I saw all of it. Did she tell you?” His words are barely comprehensible underneath his sobs.
When he looks at me, I nod my head once, and a look of shame washes over him.
“I couldn’t help him, Kid, I couldn’t stop it.
I tried so fucking hard, and he left me without any explanation.
” More sobs break through as we all just hold him and listen.
“I was here for everything, and he never even told me why… and now you…YOU have the fucking letter.”
Wolf looks to me at D’s words. “What is he talking about, Kid? What letter?”
“It’s there in his fucking hand…don’t you see? Cookie left it for him.” D’s voice cracks.
“Left what?” Now it’s Ty that looks confused.
All I can do is meet D’s glare, keeping my eyes on him, and tell them, “Cookie’s suicide note.”