Chapter 7 Holding Back
Holding Back
DANAE
For the first time in the two years I’d been working at Sullivan’s, I was running late.
Me – Danae Ariel Anderson – late for work.
The statement was unheard of. I’d barely slept the night before.
And it wasn’t for reasons that made sense like still being pissed at Aura for trying to have my car towed or irritated that I’d wasted a good outfit on a nigga who couldn’t hold a decent conversation to save his goddamn life.
No, my tossing and turning was due to my stomach rumbling half the night.
I was convinced that Aura was trying to get me sick just to keep me in the house.
The food he had delivered messed my stomach up so bad that by the third run to the bathroom, I just laid on the cold tile for relief.
I knew I’d eaten a bad batch of sushi. And that sucked because I loved the little Japanese spot by my place.
So much for being a return customer after the night I had.
When my alarm went off this morning, my body was too sluggish and my head too heavy to get up right away.
After laying in the bed an extra thirty minutes, I pushed myself up and into the kitchen for a cup of ginger tea.
By the time I got my stomach to stop rumbling and got dressed for the day, I was twenty minutes past the time I was supposed to leave the house.
Frustrated to no end, I couldn’t even bring myself to call Amil.
Opting to text instead, I apologized for my tardiness and let her know I was on my way.
As the manager of Sullivan’s Diner, I prided myself on showing up before the employees and leading by example.
This was the first time I’d fallen short, and I didn’t like the way it made me feel.
I knew I had to shake the negativity before I arrived though.
I had to remind myself that I set the tone.
Rushing out of the house, I hit the elevator button a few times as if it would somehow become considerate of my need to hurry and come faster.
“Girl, slow down. You act like you gon’ get fired or somethin’,” I said out loud to myself.
Taking in a deep breath, I let it out slowly to calm my nervous system.
The elevator doors opened, and I stepped inside, hitting the G button for the garage.
I knew I had to trick my nervous system in order to reclaim my day.
There were still things I had to do once I made it to the diner, and I needed to be focused to do it.
I couldn’t function in chaos, especially chaos that I created in my own head.
When the doors slid open, I walked off the elevator with my face in my phone.
Hitting the remote start on my car key, I frowned when I didn’t hear the car respond to my command.
My eyes scanned the row of parked cars, and my heart dropped once I got to my spot.
The space was empty. Panic consumed my body.
I lived in a nice area, but even I knew there was no place exempt from crime in New York City.
With shaky hands and a scream caught in my throat, I started to call 911. Before I could get to the dial pad, I saw headlights. The car pulled into the garage slowly, the lights illuminating the concrete as it got closer. I squinted, and then the realization hit me fast. It was my damn car.
Anger overrode my logic as I stepped out in front of the car like my body was a human stop sign. It stopped just a few inches away to avoid hitting me. I watched as the driver side window rolled down with deliberate slowness and knew immediately who was behind the wheel.
“Bae,” Aura spoke calmly out the window, not knowing I was two seconds away from wringing his neck. “Move out the way. You already late for work.”
“Muthafu…”
“Danae,” he cut in. “Remember who you’re talking to.”
My jaw tightened as I stared at him. “Why do you have my car, Aura?”
He cracked a smile like he’d been waiting for me to ask. “You never texted me back last night, so I had Taylin drop me off this morning after I handled business. Your car was due for an oil change, so I went to get it serviced. Why you riding around with your tank almost on E?”
I cocked my head to the side, not believing how casually he spoke, like this was how normal people behaved. “Are you serious? How did you even get a key to my car, Aura?”
“I used my emergency spare that I told you I had when I bought the car. Get in before you’re later than what you already are. Then, you go in there, and people gotta deal with a pretty face and a nasty attitude. Don’t nobody want that over they grits and eggs.”
I huffed and stomped over to the passenger side. “You’re ridiculous. I didn’t know the gift came with built in security that I didn’t ask for,” I said, referring to the car he’d surprised me with last year on my birthday.
“You also didn’t ask for the gift. But Dada didn’t want you ridin’ around in that Acura, so I had to get my baby right.
” He reached for the coffee cup that sat in the cupholder and handed it to me.
“Peppermint tea. And you said considerate wrong. I’m not ridiculous.
I’m considerate. There’s a toasted egg and cheese croissant in that bag in the backseat if you wanna put something on your stomach.
I told them to hold the bacon. I know you don’t like that pork on your stomach early in the morning. ”
I didn’t respond as he backed out of the garage, not because I was trying to be rude but because he remembered things that I’d told him during brief conversations.
Aura paid attention and held onto every word I said.
He even remembered things I didn’t realize I shared.
It bothered me sometimes, but it also made me feel seen.
He wasn’t my man. He didn’t care that I mentioned that to him every chance I got.
Still, it didn’t stop him from moving as such.
“Dada made you smile today?”
I rolled my eyes and straightened my mouth. “Ain’t nobody smiling. Focus on the road.”
I reached in the back to grab the plastic bag from the backseat. Opening it, I pulled out the sandwich. It smelled so good. I was glad that he remembered about the bacon. Figuring that I’d emptied everything out of my stomach, I felt it was safe to digest. Taking the foil off, I bit into it.
“Mmm.” I savored the buttery croissant.
We stopped at a red light, and he glanced over at me. “How’d you sleep?”
“I didn’t sleep much. The food from last night messed my stomach up.”
“Awww, baby, you was shitty? Why you ain’t call me? I woulda got on them people ass ‘bout my baby.”
“It’s your fault. And no, I wasn’t shitty. Had you let me stay on my date last night, I wouldn’t have eaten that bad sushi. You tryna poison me, Aura?” I held my half-eaten sandwich out to inspect it for anything unusual.
“Yo’ greedy ass would be dead as fuck if that was the case.” He chuckled. “The sandwich almost gone.”
I covered the rest of the sandwich up and placed it back in the bag. “I’m onto yo’ crazy ass.”
“Girl, hush. You know I’d never harm a hair on your head. A nigga just wanna love you forreal. You the one making shit hard.”
I shook my head and didn’t respond verbally, but my heart did that thing it normally did when he put love and my name in the same sentence.
I guess because deep down inside, I wanted to do the same.
I wanted to accept Aura’s love openly but rejecting it seemed like the best thing for the both of us.
His phone rang as we got closer to the diner. I could see the shift. He straightened his posture, and the ease in his demeanor was gone.
“What’s the word?” he spoke into the phone.
I stared straight ahead, minding my business. My body was alert though.
His voice dipped low, and his hand gripped the steering wheel tight. “That’s not the instruction I gave. Put Tay on the phone.”
The car went silent as we rolled into the diner’s parking lot. Pulling up to the front, I went to get out, and he placed his hand on my thigh, shaking his head. The gesture wasn’t aggressive, but it wasn’t gentle either.
“Dead that nigga.” His tone was cold, the instruction clear to whoever was on the other end of the phone.
Something inside me shut down momentarily, flashing back to the voice I’d heard a year ago.
It was a voice that used calm like a weapon, the same voice that freed me from abuse but also kept me guarded – from him.
Right then, my stomach turned, a slow churn of uncertainty mixed with anxiety.
Pressing my lips together, I took deep breaths to shake off the queasiness.
“You aight?” he asked, ending his call.
“Yeah,” I said too fast. Pulling my keys from the bag, I pushed the door open and stepped out. “Thanks for the ride in my car.”
I didn’t give him a chance to respond before closing the door and jogging up the steps. The lights were on inside, meaning that Amil had beat me to opening this morning. Turning my key, I entered, the bell chiming, signaling my arrival.
Amil walked out from the back. “Hey…”
“One second,” I managed to get out while walking briskly to the back where the employee bathroom was located.
Barely getting the door closed, I ran into the stall and hurled. At this point, I was over myself. I stayed hunched over the toilet a few seconds longer, holding onto the wall to keep me steady. Feeling the wave of nausea pass, I stood up straight and leaned back against the wall.
What the hell is going on? I thought while walking to the sink to rinse my mouth and wash my hands.
I studied my reflection in the mirror and noted that my face was a little flushed and my eyes glossed over.
It was nothing that my normal game face couldn’t hide – to anyone that wasn’t paying too close attention anyway.
“I hope this man left,” I said to myself, knowing that if Aura was still around, he’d point out the difference immediately.
Unzipping my coat, I walked back out front like my body hadn’t almost gave out on me a minute ago.
To my dismay, Aura had come inside and was fully engaged in a conversation with his sister when I reappeared.
He stood in front of her with his back facing me, while she looked up, flashing me a small smile.
“Hey, boo. You feeling alright?” she asked.
“I’m better. Thank you, Mil.”
Aura turned when he heard me speak. His eyes narrowed, sweeping from my head to my feet, then locked back in on my face. “You need a sick day,” he suggested.
“No, I don’t. I just said I was fine.”
“You wanna be, but you’re not,” he countered.
“Aura, you ain’t my daddy or my doctor. You also don’t make my schedule or pay me. I’m fine.” My tone was stern, but by the look on his face, I could tell I wasn’t convincing.
He shifted his eyes to Amil. “Tell her she’s taking a sick day.”
Amil blinked and cocked her head to the side. “Now you know that shit don’t work on me. I’m not telling Danae nothing. She’s a grown woman who’ll let me know if she needs a sick day.”
“Exactly.” I rolled my neck.
“Cause I know my girl ain’t gon’ be walkin’ round here sick and feel like she can’t tell me.” Amil looked past Aura and over at me. By her squint, it seemed like she was trying to get me to admit that his assessment was, in fact, correct.
“Ask ya girl if her stomach been fucked up since last night,” Aura pushed.
“Oh, my God. Not you tellin’ my business,” I said, wanting to punch him in the back of his damn head. “All I need is some tea to settle me. Once I’m moving around, I’ll be fine.”
Aura cut in. “And I got all the tea you need at the crib. Ginger. Peppermint. I even got some stomach ease shit my grandma gave me. Your face all flushed and shit. You need to sit today out, Ma.”
I rolled my eyes hard. He was really doing the most.
“You know I’m always team you, Nae. But you do look like you could use some rest.”
“Come on,” Aura spoke. His voice was softer, almost as if he were lowkey pleading with me. “Come let Dada take care of you for the day.”
My heart responded before my head could shut him down again. His voice wasn’t commanded or controlling. The concern was clear.
Amil stepped from around the counter and over to me, blocking Aura’s view. “Go home for a little bit and if you’re feeling better in a few hours, you can come back for the dinner rush, cool?”
“Not cool.” I smiled, rolling my eyes playfully. “But I know I’m not 100%, and I don’t want that to affect my work, so I’ll leave with him.”
“My girl. I’ll check on you later.” She hugged me then turned to Aura. “Don’t get on her nerves, Aura.”
“Man, bye,” he replied and waited for me to walk toward the front door. “You need me to pick you up anything from the store before we head in?” he asked, opening my passenger side door.
“No, thank you. I have what I need at home. I just want my bed.”
“Who said you was going home?”
He closed my door and walked around to the driver’s side.
“Aura.”
“Let a nigga take care of you without having to go to extreme measures to do so, Danae. For once, just sit back and let things happen. I ain’t gon’ do shit to you that ain’t already written in the stars to be done. I got you. Trust me.”
Trust him? I already did. Admit that to him, I didn’t know how to.