25. Maggie
25
maggie
I wake to lots of texts, and I smile until the last couple that ask if he can call me. What’s that about? That’s against the rules. No calling. Not at all.
Then I see I’ve missed messages from Mak, Lizzie, Tony. And Colt did call.
I quickly listen. It’s the first time I’ve heard his voice since Mak and Tony’s wedding. It knocks me down, and I don’t know what to do with myself.
“Maggie. Something’s happened. Dax is in trouble and Mak needs your support. She mentioned you weren’t speaking right now, and I don’t know what that’s about because it’s against the stupid rules. This is life or death. Rules don’t apply. We’re doing all we can to save Dax, who’s trapped in the woods in a cabin. Mak could use a friend. We’re all gathered at my house, but Mak flew home and is alone. Okay. Well. I need you, but so does Mak. I’m so incredibly worried, and I can’t show that face to anyone. I have to be strong in all of this for everyone else, but I need to fall apart a little. Please call, Mags. Ok. Bye.”
I don’t know Dax well, but Tony has to be freaking out. All of them, really. They’re all together, that’s good. I text without thinking.
Maggie: I hope Dax is okay. And I’ll reach out to Mak. Thank you. I’m so sorry.
Colt: Oh. Mags. I’m going out of my mind. The brothers are converging and waiting out what’s happening.
I don’t know how to be there for him because this will bust everything open. I’m signing my uncontested divorce papers today. Tony got it all expedited, and Kevin certainly didn’t object to a thing. But I was going to tell him about it today and put myself on the line. And as he asks for me, I realize I don’t really know myself well enough to do that. The ground has shifted beneath me, and I can’t find stable footing. Like that fucked-up sidewalk. I can’t possibly be there for him if I can’t even be there for myself.
Nothing makes sense anymore. I’m moving forward tomorrow, but I think I have to do that without a recent widow who I’ll be no support to. I’m still dealing with “DickPickleBallsGate,” and a lifetime of being lied to. But Colt made me feel not so alone, and all he did was talk about cracks in sidewalks with me. I’m pretty sure my sidewalk is shattered. I need to find some way to repave it so it’s smooth and even and a fresh start. I scroll my phone for news and so far, the only thing I can find is about the blizzard.
Maggie: This is terrible. I just looked up the storm.
Colt: Dad is on it. We’re all in a holding pattern. Lizzie and Hayden are here now, and Law is on his way. Tony and his parents drove up in the storm to be closer.
I breathe in and out slowly, then hold down my damn eyebrow. If I were watching me as a TV show, I’d be shouting at the screen to get it together. I’ve got to sort myself, then I can maybe handle a friendship with him again. I can’t be what he needs right now. He’s so connected to that group of people, and I’m connected to no one. It’s probably why I’ve pushed Mak away too. She has them, and I don’t. But I don’t want him to complete me or give me friends. I need to complete myself first; I think. No clue how to do that, but it’s certainly not by a widower’s side in the shadows of his life, tucked away as a secret in his phone. Even though I’m the one who insisted we tell no one, I’m also the one who has to stop this. It’s not healthy for either of us. My heart can’t take being this close and still not close enough. That’s how our shit goes.
A tear slips down my face. Who would be there if I needed someone? Would he haul out the Vice President card in secret, or would he let me be with him? It’s all so soon after Gemma’s death. I’m a Meerkat mess popping up all over the damn world. I’ve wanted him in my life for so long, but not like this. My fingers are sweaty and sliding off the screen. I wipe them down, steel my soul and type.
Maggie: I’ll keep tabs on the situation through Makenzie. And I hope you find all you need. I hope the girls are wonderful. We have to stop texting.
Colt: You’re “breaking up” with me now? I’m panicking. What is happening? Mags. I’m sorry I called, but this is life or death.
Maggie: It absolutely is. And you need to focus on Dax and your girls. You have all you could ever need and handle around you. I’m very busy. Take care of yourself, Colt.
Colt: Mags. Mags, if this is Kevin, tell him it’s an emergency with your friends.
But that’s the point. They’re not my friends.
Colt: This will all go back to normal.
Maggie: We don’t have a normal.
I silence his texts.
I won’t be a help to him. I pick up the familiar blue and red pen that only has the outline of a worn-down baseball and the outline of Paul Revere’s hat now. I click it in rapid succession, trying to soothe myself with the rhythm. If I want a clean break, I should probably leave it here. I know that I won’t. I peel back the goldenrod padded envelope to start working through the sticky tabs where I’m supposed to sign. As I do it, I call.
“Where the fuck are you?”
“Any news on Dax?”
“How do you know that?” Mak snaps at me.
“It doesn’t matter. Are you okay? And you left like seven messages.”
“Oh, right? I’m freaking the hell out. We don’t know anything, and there’s nothing I can do.”
“Then tell me about school,” I say calmly, knowing she needs a distraction.
And she does. She needs to unravel with some details, and I’m happy to listen. I’m so sick of hearing only myself that it’s nice to have someone else take up my brain space for a while. I cradle the phone against my ear and finish up my marriage.
Mak: They got him. Dax has minor injuries but Monica, that’s who he was with, fucked up her ankle. But it will be okay.
Maggie: Are you okay not being there for them?
Mak: I saw him right before it all happened. And I got to look over the medical records. The two of them will be fine. She’s got a seriously fucked up foot and leg but will be fine.
Maggie: I’m relieved. How’s your day?
Mak: You’re ridiculous. Stop changing the subject. Can I tell Colt about Kevin?
Maggie: Not sure why you’re obsessed with this idea of us. There is no us. He has way too much on his plate. I need to sort myself. Love you.
Mak: Love you too but your mopey bullshit is disturbing and annoying.
Maggie: Oh, very much it is. Don’t forget I lied for you. You owe me.
Mak: True dat. I’ll let it drop. Be careful. I love you.
I wake up to an empty phone. There are no texts, and it’s what I asked for. Damn him for always giving me what I ask for. Except forever.
Five months after that first VbrO search on Tony’s plane to Canada, I finally arrive in the place I dreamed of beginning again. I want to see if there’s magic.
My parents have accepted that I’ve lost my mind. My divorce is final, and my brother is happy and expecting. Kids were always a lukewarm topic with Kevin. And now I know why, he was lukewarm on our marriage. Rome was just a stopover. Now, with a work visa to teach English, and the perfect house, Tuscany became my reality in a couple of weeks. Until I can shake off the people pleasing, I’m eating all the carbs. All. Of. Them.