Eighteen
Annalise
We lay there a long time, fingers intertwined, the stars in the sky unreal, the night growing cooler as the fire died down. Only a few stragglers remained when Jim came out to douse the embers completely.
"Sorry, folks," he said. "Safety first. But you're welcome to stay out here all night, if you'd like."
When the final few co-workers stood up, I decided to do the same. It wouldn't look right to sleep out here with Jared on a work retreat. Actually, the whole thing probably didn't look right. I hadn't worked this hard to make a name for myself just to throw it away on a guy. No matter how much I wanted him.
We all finished cleaning up, then walked back together and said our goodnights. Right as I turned the corner toward my room, a hand grabbed my wrist.
"Wait," Jared said.
I turned to him in the dim light and asked, "What?"
His features deadly serious, he leaned closer. "Meet me at the hot tub in ten minutes."
Not waiting for my response, he turned and walked away, leaving me stunned.
What the fuck? The hot tub? Alone with Jared?
My first instinct was to run after him and tell him no, but he was gone before I could act, and I didn't want to knock on his door when he had a roommate.
Maybe I could just text him instead.
Going back to my room, I expected Mona to be asleep, but she was wide awake, lights on, reading something on her phone.
She jumped when I opened the door.
"Oh, sorry. What are you doing up?" I asked.
With wide eyes, she set her phone down. "I couldn't sleep, so I thought I'd read. But I'm reading a thriller and things are getting good. So..."
"Oh, no. What book?"
She told me, but I only half-listened as she gave me the basic plot, while I sat there distracted by thoughts of Jared and what the hell I should do. Part of me longed to go out there. Who said anything had to happen?
We could just talk and hang out. The hot tub would feel amazing on my sore muscles and warm me up completely, undoing the remnants of the ice bath earlier.
Picking up my phone, I glanced at the time. Two in the morning. Damn, it was late.
Nothing good ever happened after midnight, right?
If I went down there, Jared for sure wouldn't have a shirt on, and I'd be drooling over him, and then we'd maybe kiss again, and then...
"So then he kills the two roommates as they stay overnight in the Catskills during a team-building retreat, and the murderer turns out to be Ranger Jim."
"Huh? What?" I turned to Mona, almost forgetting that she was there and she'd been speaking. "What'd you say?"
She laughed. "Never mind. What on earth are you thinking about? What'd I miss?"
I only debated whether or not to tell her for a split second. Because of course I'd tell her. I needed her advice. "Jared said to meet him at the hot tub in ten minutes. Well, probably more like five now."
She sat up straight in bed. "Excuse me?"
"Yeah. We, um, kind of kissed earlier today, during the blindfold thing."
"Are you fucking kidding me?"
I tried to read her face for her reaction, expecting to see judgment, but all I could get was excitement. "No?"
Her eyes suddenly narrowed. "You're going downstairs, right?"
"I don't know. Should I? What do you think?"
"What do I think? Yes! One-hundred percent yes. Absolutely. No doubt about it. Yes. Why wouldn't you?"
"Because he's my co-worker. And it's unethical. I don't want people to look down on me."
"Oh, please. Everyone's rooting for you two. It's been pretty damn obvious from day one, well, maybe karaoke night, that you two have the hots for each other."
"But isn't that frowned upon? Wouldn't we have to go to HR?"
She waved her hand in dismissal. "Nah. Lots of people in our office have hooked up, dated, the whole gamut. Right before you started, Joela, you know, the woman you replaced?"
I nodded.
"Well, she ended up married to her work husband whom she first met... guess where?"
"I'm guessing Insight Ink."
She touched her nose. "Bingo."
"Well, I don't want to marry Jared."
"Not yet. But you could fuck him."
Now my eyes were the ones to widen. "Mona!"
She shrugged. "What? No offense, Cordelia, but when was the last time you got laid?"
"It's been a while," I admitted.
"Don't you miss it? Sometimes, you just want a man instead of a toy or fingers. And Jared is a fucking man ."
Fuck, she was right.
"Girl, you better hurry," she said, "or I'm about to go down there myself."
I let out a laugh. "You wouldn't dare."
"Hmm, I just might. Jared is... well, he's the whole package."
He kind of was. Damn. How had I not seen that before?
Scrambling off the bed, I reached for my bag, rummaging through the contents in a frantic search for my swimsuit. It was a two piece, one that was more sporty than revealing since I hadn't wanted to bring something skimpy to a work function, not that I'd had a chance to wear it until now.
Rushing to the bathroom, I put it on, Mona's words ringing in my head. She was right. I did miss being with a man. It'd been ages.
But having sex with Jared? That seemed like a huge leap from hand holding and kissing, and I honestly didn't really want to go there tonight. One thing I was sure of, though... that Jared wouldn't push me or pressure me into having sex. After all, he'd asked before even kissing me.
After brushing my teeth, I put on a long t-shirt and grabbed a towel before busting back into the room. "Okay. I guess I'm ready."
Mona beamed at me. "I'm so proud of you."
"Wish me luck?"
"Good luck. And most importantly, have fun ."
I nodded, no idea what to expect as I opened then shut the door behind me.
Tiptoeing down the dark hallway, I held my breath, hoping that no one would come out of their room and catch me. The creaky floor gave me a few heart attacks, each noise like a gunshot in the quiet night, but thankfully, I made it downstairs without anybody spotting me.
Was Jared already outside waiting for me?
A flutter of nerves hit me as I stepped out onto the deck and immediately saw him, removing his shirt—yikes—and tossing it onto a lounge chair. His eyes found mine, and a grin took over his face.
I closed the distance and walked over to him, that flutter turning into a tsunami.
"You came," he said softly.
"That's what she said."
I groaned inwardly at my cheesy line while his laughter rang out in the still night. Hanging around Jared was definitely having an effect on me. Once he quieted, we exchanged a long glance as I tried not to let my eyes stray down to his incredible body.
"Why'd you ask me to meet you here?" I finally said. "What exactly are you expecting?"
He shrugged, drawing my attention to his broad shoulders and all that bare skin. "I'm not expecting anything. You said earlier that you were sore so I just thought it might help."
Not waiting for my response, he settled himself into the hot tub, placing his arms out on either side of him, casually resting them on the smooth wooden edges. The glow of the lantern light cast soft shadows across his muscles, highlighting the contours of his biceps and triceps.
Letting out a long, contented sigh, his eyes met mine, and he cocked a brow at me. "Coming in?"
The water bubbled invitingly, lapping at his chest, the steam rising lazily into the air. And the whole vibe couldn't have been more beautiful, between the lattice and vines, the smooth river stones around the edges of the tub, and all the lanterns lit up along the deck.
What the hell? Why not?
"Yeah, I guess." Reaching for the edges of my t-shirt, I saw his eyes widen just a hair. "But look away, you perv."
"Me? A perv? You're the one who can't stop eye-fucking me ."
"I'm not eye-fucking you."
"Well then, you're definitely checking me out."
"I'm... not," I lied lamely, whipping my shirt off, not even caring anymore if he was looking.
Throwing it next to his on the chair, I ignored him completely as I walked toward the hot tub and climbed in. The tub seemed smaller once I was in it, Jared's big frame taking up so much space.
Our knees bumped as I sat down opposite him, and I readjusted my body so we didn't touch anywhere.
"Relax, Dee," he said. "I'm not going to pounce on you or anything. I'm sorry about before. I guess I... I kind of got carried away. It won't happen again."
Disappointment flickered through me at his words and tone, one of remorse and apology.
"Unless you want it to," he added.
"It's okay. It's fine. Let's just forget about it."
I waved him off, letting myself sink back and enjoy the water which felt amazing on my weary body and bones. Taking some slow breaths, I attempted to let it go, what he'd just said, that he was sorry and that it wouldn't happen again.
In all the scenarios I'd run through my head before coming down here, that hadn't even been a thought, that Jared would try to keep things strictly platonic. Or that he would put the ball in my court.
It sucked. I couldn't deny that I truly wanted him right now, how much he'd grown on me, and how flattered I'd been at his pursuing me. When was the last time a guy had actually chased me? It'd been a while. If ever.
So when Jared had kissed me like that, and even when he'd just been so sweet and caring during our kumbaya time, it'd warmed me not just physically, but emotionally as well.
Deep in thought, I found myself looking past Jared and into the dark distance, the trees partially illuminated by the crescent moon like something out of a painting. I made a mental pros and cons list in my head about the possible outcomes of hooking up with Jared.
Negatives first as always, the biggest drawback would be blowing up this entire career path I'd worked so hard for at Insight Ink. That would be absolutely devastating of course. Although a little voice in the back of my head, Mona's voice actually, reminded me that Insight Ink seemed more than okay with interoffice dating.
And then there were all the usual cons of any hook-up, such as unplanned pregnancy, total awkwardness around someone I had to work with every fucking day, and not to mention any unwelcome souvenirs requiring trips to the doctor.
With a sigh, I thought about the positives. Really only one. And that was scratching that Jared itch that was suddenly consuming me. And maybe one more. Massive stress relief. If, and that was a big if, Jared actually knew his way around a woman's body, something I wasn't so sure about.
Although if that kiss was anything to go by...
It'd been forever since I'd felt fireworks like that. Actually never. And it'd been ages since I'd been so attracted to someone. And had I ever really been with a guy that I was this attracted to? I racked my brain trying to remember.
"What are you thinking about over there?" Jared asked, his eyes studying my face.
There was no way in hell I could tell him any of that, so I simply stared at him, wondering what I should say.
"Come on, Dee. What's on your mind?"
"Just thinking about my last boyfriend." There. That would for sure stop him from asking me anything more. No normal guy would even want to go there.
"What about him?"
Well, I supposed Jared couldn't exactly be called normal, could he? "Just that it's been a while."
He smiled at me, and I had a little trouble focusing. "How long?" he asked.
"A couple years, I think. I don't remember. I've been so focused on work that I haven't exactly had any time for dating."
"Understandable."
Something about his tone was so relaxed and easy, and I had this sense that Jared didn't judge me, wouldn't judge me, and it was beyond refreshing. All my life I'd been judged and found lacking. But with Jared, I didn't feel that, and I suddenly wanted to know more about him.
"What about you? When was your last relationship?"
His face blank, he stared at me a beat, almost like he was pondering what to say, and I wondered if I'd overstepped. But if he could ask me, I could ask him right back.
"About a year ago," he finally said.
"Yeah? Was it serious?"
Looking like he'd rather drink poison than discuss it, he nodded. "We were engaged."
"Oh. Wow." And now I had a million more questions. As well as a sick feeling in my gut just imagining Jared down on one knee asking some girl to marry him because of course he'd still be hung up on this woman. He had to be.
"When my mom and grandma needed my help, that's when she called it quits," he said, his voice dull. "She said she couldn't be with someone who lived with his family like that."
Indignation rose up in me. "Are you kidding? Even though you were clearly doing the right thing and helping out your loved ones?"
Jared shot me an unexpected smile. "Right? I said good riddance. Don't let the door hit you on the way out."
Shaking my head, I still couldn't quite believe it. "Had you already set the date for the wedding and everything?"
"Yep. It was about ten months out, had it all booked, wedding planner, the whole thing in motion. But then, my mom lost her sight in one eye, had all these migraines... she's doing much better now but still could use a hand. And my grandma, well, she had to have hip surgery, and still needs another, and she's not getting any younger." His shoulders went up in a shrug. "So that's a big part of my life now."
I couldn't tell by his blank expression if he was deeply unhappy by that or if he'd accepted it and he was okay with the turn his life had taken. "And that's a good thing or a bad thing?" I ventured to ask.
"Mostly a good thing. My mom is pretty laid-back, and my grandma... well, you've met her. She's a character. And she's a great cook so I can't complain. But the real thing is..." He leaned forward a bit, his expression serious. "She won't be around forever. And I couldn't live with myself if I hadn't stepped in to help."
My chest squeezed—that cold thing in my chest called a heart actually fucking squeezed—spreading around a warmth I didn't know existed. "You absolutely did the right thing then. I would have done the same. Well, um, maybe."
He raised a brow. "Maybe?"
"My grandmas aren't around anymore, but they were both amazing, so yeah. But my mom..." My voice drifted off as I thought about how to characterize my mom, and my dad, and whether or not I could live with them at this point in my life.
"Yeah? What about your mom?"
"It's complicated."
"I've got time."
"It's like two in the morning, and we have to leave early to go back."
"I don't care about sleep. I'll sleep when I'm dead. So tell me..."
I sighed, staring across the short distance between us into his compelling eyes. Who knew Jared could be so convincing?
"So my mom, well, she has an interesting way of mothering," I began. "I love her, of course. But she's simultaneously overbearing and distant, which I know sounds impossible, but that about sums up our relationship."
How could I explain it adequately without him knowing the real me and my actual family? This conversation would be so much easier if he knew.
For the first time with Jared, I felt a pinch of guilt about being undercover and lying to him about my name and identity. My God, what was happening?
"I get it," he said when I didn't continue. "Family dynamics can be complex."
"Yeah. Especially..." Shit. I'd almost let something slip about our family name and the constant pressure to live up to it.
"Especially what?"
Fuck. I needed to find another angle. "Well, when there's so much pressure as the oldest child."
"You're the oldest? Of how many?"
"I have two younger sisters."
"I don't know what that pressure's like, I guess," he said, his tone soft, "as an only child."
"I'm sure you have your own pressures."
"Maybe. I suppose." He shrugged, his broad shoulders glistening in the moonlight. "So what kind of pressures do you have?"
"It feels like I always have to be perfect, that I can't make mistakes." Not to mention the added pressure I had now with swapping between my two identities. But that was my own doing, my own bed that I had to lie in.
"Did your parents make you feel like that? Or did you make you feel like that?"
That was a tough question that no one had ever asked me before. "Both?"
He stared at me a long moment, so intensely that butterflies erupted in my stomach, the vulnerability of our conversation deepening this connection we'd slowly been forging.
"You know what I think?" he asked.
"What?" Those butterflies swarmed, wondering what on earth he had to say about something so personal to me.
"I think you're too hard on yourself."
Shaking my head, I smiled at how wrong he had it. "No way. It's the opposite. I'm not hard enough on myself."
He had the audacity to laugh. "Dee. What the hell? You work harder than anyone I know. From what I can see, you not only get along with everyone in the office, but you're a very loyal friend and co-worker. You put up with me, for fuck's sake, and I put you through pure hell."
"Yeah, you did." I splashed him, unable to stop the smile forming on my face. "Almost like you tried to annoy me on purpose."
"Who me? Never."
Biting my lip to keep from laughing, I watched as his eyes shifted to my mouth, instantly taking me back to our kiss, heat igniting the air between us.
"Why do you have to be so fucking sexy?" Jared said in a low voice.
"You think I'm sexy?" Desire was written all over his face, and God, it felt amazing to be looked at in that way.
"Do I think you're sexy?" he repeated slowly. "Let's just say I'm glad the lower half of me is underwater right now."
The urge to be self-deprecating and put myself down was overwhelming, but I managed to bite it back. Somewhat. "It, um, it must be quite a while for you then if this ," I pointed at my sporty bikini top,"is doing it for you."
A muscle ticked in his jaw, that fucking jawline. "You have no idea how much that's doing for me."
Needing to check it out for myself, I glanced down, and yeah, maybe compared to other skimpier swimwear it had a lot more coverage. But it did scoop down quite low and push my breasts together, giving me ample cleavage.
I returned my eyes to Jared, our heated gazes colliding, the sultry steam rising up between us like some kind of metaphor for our growing lust.
He shifted his big body. "It's hard to be a gentleman when you look at me like that."
"What if I don't want you to be a gentleman?"