Chapter 9
CHAPTER NINE
The entire ride back to the palace, I didn’t look at Kole. Didn’t speak to him. I couldn’t.
But even though the warrior sat stoically, seeming to sense my need for silence, I felt his judgment. His confusion. His disbelief at what I’d done.
But he didn’t voice it. Thank all of the gods, goddesses, stars, and galaxy that he didn’t voice it.
Yet I had a feeling Kole knew that I’d just broken my vow to the king’s council never to control another, even if he never confirmed it.
I clasped my hands tightly together as we continued traveling along the capital’s streets. The carpet flew toward the palace, and as before, fae pointed and whispered as I passed, but I didn’t even glance at them nor wave.
I kept my gaze down, my shoulders folded inward. Shame washed through me again and again.
Monster.
You’re vile.
You’re everyone’s worst nightmare.
For the first time in my life, intrusive, horrible thoughts began to infiltrate my consciousness. I tried to find my joy. Tried to reclaim the inherent optimism that had once been as easy for me as breathing.
Yet all I could think about was the horrific magic I’d just inflicted on another, even if it’d been beyond my control.
Gods, how am I going to live like this? How can I ever see Ree, Gwen, or Uncle Timith again, knowing I could subject them to something as terrible as this? And my parents and sisters, what if they—
“Prim?” Kole’s quiet question snapped my head up.
“What?”
“We’re here.”
Dazed, I gazed at the palace’s shining doors. The carpet hovered at the bottom of the steps leading to them.
“Oh . . . oh, of course.” I hastily stood and jumped off the carpet, but the fact that we’d passed through the palace’s gates and wards without me realizing it didn’t bode well for my state of mind, and I didn’t trust myself not to do something erratic.
I need to get away from everyone. I need to make sure I don’t hurt anyone else today.
Once clear of the carpet, I flew up the stairs and into the palace, not even acknowledging the bowing servants who murmured greetings to me as I passed through the wide doors into the foyer.
I thanked the gods that Betsee had supplied me with a palace map when I’d first arrived. I called upon my memories of the intricate design and careened around corner after corner until I reached the royal wing.
“Primelle?” My sister Lillith passed me just as she exited her wing, but I didn’t reply, even though I normally would have been thrilled that my sister had initiated a conversation.
But not today.
I hurried to my chambers, then darted past the Imperial Warrior standing guard at my door. Once inside, I slammed my door closed behind me.
Alone, my hands began to shake, then my entire body began to tremble.
Monster.
Monster.
Monster.
You’re a true monster.
A soft knock came on my door, and then the handle was turning. I blurred to the other side of my chambers, not even realizing I’d moved with vampiric speed until I’d done so.
But I was already standing frozen by my bed by the time Kole entered the room. Thankfully, he hadn’t seen it.
Dark, tousled hair covered his head, and a glow shone in his eyes. Movements stiff, he didn’t say anything, but he closed the door, sealing us alone inside my room. His gaze drank me in, and his lips formed into a tight line.
My heart clenched. Mate. Mine. The mate bond fluttered in my chest, stretching and yearning. But another emotion came too. Something I didn’t want. Something I now hated with every fiber of my being.
Vampiric lust reared, and arousal coasted through me.
Bite. Drink. Fuck. Suck.
I shoved down my revolting reactions with everything I had.
Kole was my mate. He deserved more than a disgusting response from me that only cared about his cock.
And even though my body still recognized him as the one I was destined to be beside, fight with, fight for, he deserved better than anything I could offer him now.
Neither of us said anything, but a pulse of his aura undulated into me. It was filled with confusion, disbelief, and anger. All of it was rolled into one accusing fog.
Oh Gods, he’s going to ask for an explanation. I’m acting erratically and entirely unhinged, and he’s going to ask me to explain myself, and then he’ll reveal what he suspects I just did at House Torleaf, leaving me without any doubt that he knows, which will force me to—
“Leave, Kole!” I called, my voice shrill. “Go out in the hall. Don’t come back in here until I command it.”
His eyes widened, and he took a step toward me with his hands raised nonthreateningly. “Primelle, I just want to—”
“LEAVE!” I yelled. I stumbled back, my legs hitting my mattress, and I fell onto the bed.
His head snapped back, his warrior expression descended, and the very-Kole mask I’d once seen daily fell into place. For a moment, we stared at one another, neither of us moving.
I swallowed down the sob that threatened to rise in my throat and held onto my fragile sanity that threatened to slip away in the next whispered breeze.
“Please, Kole,” I begged. “Please leave.”
A muscle ticked in his jaw, his only outward reaction. I thought he was going to ignore me, since he wasn’t moving and was instead assessing me in that very-Kole way of his, but then he stiffly bowed and turned on his heel.
The second the door closed behind him, I flung my telekinetic magic out and locked it, then I collapsed onto the mattress. Sobs worked up my throat, and I grabbed a pillow and buried my face into it. Heaving cries racked my frame, but I muffled my sounds.
My shoulders shook, and agony ripped through me. I allowed myself a moment to break down. I cried and cried and cried until I had no tears left to give.
Finally finished, I tossed the pillow to the side, but amazingly, my head wasn’t heavy, and my nose wasn’t full. My body was so different in this state, so foreign and terrifying.
Don’t think about that now.
I crawled under the covers and turned on my side. Outside, the sun shone brightly. The birds sang. The realm continued to turn as if nothing had happened.
I closed my eyes and began to reassure myself. Tomorrow, I would return to the libraries and find a way to beat my uncle. Tomorrow, I would begin my hunt for a way to undo this.
But for right now, I would force myself to be still so as not to hurt anyone again today.
Yet despite my pep talks, I couldn’t stop the feeling that the entire realm was crashing down around me.
Kole didn’t try to enter my chambers again. He couldn’t with my door locked. And when Betsee knocked on my door near suppertime, I sent her away too. My parents had asked that I join them for the meal, but I feigned that I wasn’t feeling well and asked for a tray to be sent to my room.
I spent the entire day holed up in my chambers with only my worried spirit and accusing thoughts for company.
But it was safer that way. Better. I couldn’t hurt anybody if nobody was allowed to see me or question me. And I knew that Kole had questions. Big ones.
It didn’t help that all day, I’d felt him. He hadn’t moved from his position in the hall, and his aura leaked through the door. But he didn’t push, and he didn’t try to force his way inside.
And when night came, and his replacement arrived, I breathed a sigh of relief.
Now, I just needed to fall asleep and stay unconscious until the morning. Sleep would provide relief. A way to escape. A brief reprieve.
And I’d fulfilled my uncle’s command. For the time being, I had no more orders being held over me. Tomorrow would be better.
I just needed to keep myself hidden and not do anything that would make others suspect that I was different.
That’s it. Today was just a bad day. Tomorrow, I’ll start again. Tomorrow, I’ll find a solution.
A ray of hope hit me, a kernel of my old self sparking, and I once again felt that all hope wasn’t lost. I just needed to figure out a way to stop my uncle’s control of me. And then everything would be okay.
Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow will be better.
I slept like the dead. Literally. I was so deeply lost to the pull of sleep that I stayed unconscious until somebody’s hands gripped my shoulders and began shaking me.
“Princess Primelle!” Betsee yelled. “Oh Stars, Primelle!”
Her shrill tone had my eyes snapping open, and just as fast, they zeroed in on her throat. Her blue-tinged skin was only an arm’s length from my line of sight. Her pulse fluttered in her neck like a desperate little butterfly trying to break free. Blood flowed through her veins. Sweet blood.
My eyes dilated, and my fangs began to lengthen.
But my uncle’s command took hold of me just as fast. I would have to compel her first, then drink from her. I couldn’t let her suspect what was happening.
No!
I shoved Betsee away, and the servant flew back. Just as fast, I was on the opposite side of my bed, my back plastered to the bedframe.
In my next breath, I realized what I’d done. I lifted my hands to my mouth, and my eyes widened. “Oh Gods, Betsee, are you okay? I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to do that!”
I crawled across the mattress to see the servant picking herself up off the floor.
All four of her hands brushed her attire down, and her chest heaved.
Guilt reared in me, and I quickly searched her exposed skin, but I didn’t see any bruises forming, and I could only hope I hadn’t hurt her enough to cause them.
“I suppose I deserved that for startling you so dreadfully,” she said sheepishly.
She stood, her cheeks pink, and straightened her clothing.
“But when you didn’t answer my call, and the way you were acting yesterday made me so worried, and I .
. .” Her voice trailed off, and she gave me a helpless shrug.
“Forgive me for awaking you in such a manner, but I could have sworn that you weren’t breathing, and your skin was so cold.
” A shrill laugh escaped her. “Stars and galaxy, for a moment, I thought you were dead.”
A forced smile lifted my lips. That’s because I am.
That thought almost had a hysterical laugh bursting from my lips, but I managed to swallow it.
Instead, I made my smile widen and said in a rush, “Oh, right, sorry. I was so tired, and sometimes I breathe shallowly when I sleep, or so I’ve been told.
I’m sorry I worried you, and I’m sorry for how I reacted. I truly didn’t mean to shove you.”
She dipped her head. “Not at all. ’Tis truly my fault. I’m guessing you thought someone was attacking you?”
“Yes, you indeed frightened me. Regardless, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push you.”
She swished a hand. “Let’s pretend this very undignified morning never happened. If that’s all right with you?”
Grateful for her willingness to forgive and forget so easily, I nodded vigorously. “Yes, I would like that very much. Let’s pretend it never happened.”
Betsee waved toward the windows. The curtains were still drawn, but bright sunlight peeked from around the corners. “Anyway, the reason I had to wake you is because we’re having visitors this morning.”
I cocked my head. “Oh? Who might that be?”
She beamed. “Your Uncle Arnel just sent a dillemsill. He’ll be arriving soon, and your parents have asked that you join everyone for lunch.”