1. nix
NIX
Abbi’s heels click on the hardwood floor as she makes her way down the hallway, and my heartbeat recalibrates to sync with her steps. I drop her coffee pod into the machine and let it do its thing as I check work emails on my phone.
She pauses in the doorway, and the soft sound of her heavy sigh fills the kitchen. The subject line of the next email captures my attention, and I click on the email to open it.
“Morning,” Abbi says softly as she grabs her cup from the coffee machine and adds sugar. I’m acutely aware of her every movement as her delicate floral scent wafts around me, grounding me in a way that settles my nervous system. She’s always been my calm.
“Morning,” I grunt distractedly while I scan the proposal for a job which would be highly lucrative for Steele Security. This could be the job that finally puts us on the map, giving the company a level of certainty I need for peace of mind.
She sighs again. The energy surrounding her shifts from quiet complacency to something I can’t name but has an intensity that settles in my gut like a warning I don’t quite understand.
I sip my coffee and continue reading, calculating in my head if I have enough men to cover this job.
The silence in the kitchen stretches like a rubber band, building a level of tension between me and Abbi that makes the warning in my gut expand until there’s no room.
Tightness rolls through my body, each muscle tensing as if preparing to fight an invisible enemy.
“I want a divorce.”
Snap!
The sharp sting of her words makes an acute localized hit to the center of my chest, and an animalistic grunt bursts over my lips.
Everything freezes, as if someone’s hit the pause button on a movie.
My breath stalls, and every sound mutes, except for the thumping of my heart against my sternum and the blood rushing through my ears like the white-water rapids of an out-of-control river.
I clench my jaw and my knuckles turn white as I grip my phone tighter, the words in front of me blurring.
The edge of the phone cuts into my palm, and as I narrow my focus to the screen, I wait for the cracks to form, just like they have on every part of me.
She opens a drawer and slides an envelope across the counter. I ignore it and press my ass harder against the counter to hold myself up while everything in the room swirls around me like the turbulent water I’m drowning beneath. My jaw clenches so tight I expect my teeth to crumble at any moment.
“Did you hear me?” my wife murmurs.
I’m usually gone by the time she comes out for breakfast. I’m not sure why I lingered this morning, and now I wish I hadn’t.
I swallow the bile creeping up my throat and lift my eyes to hers.
A single tear tracks down her porcelain cheek, leaving a path of silvery destruction in its wake.
Instinctively, I reach up, cup her face, and wipe it away with my thumb.
Our eyes connect, and the stark desolation I see in hers shakes me to my core until she presses into my hand; closing her eyes and blocking me from her heartbreak as if my touch pains her.
“I heard you,” I grumble around the tightness in my throat.
She promised me forever. When did she decide it was okay to break that promise? Why?
“Why?” she huffs, pulling her face away from my hold and pushing her shoulders back to steel her spine.
Shit, I must have said that out loud. “Because I’m tired of being invisible in our marriage, Nix.
” Another tear tracks down her cheek, and it may as well be a knife slicing through my chest for the pain it causes.
“I’m exhausted from carrying the emotional load of our relationship.
” She pauses, sucking in a shuddering breath.
“I’m tired of being alone,” she murmurs, finishing the job.
I drop my eyes to the hardwood beneath my boots, expecting to see blood and gore covering the floor from where she’s slashed me to the bone. But it’s free of debris. How can that be? She just obliterated me. Heart and soul.
Alone? What the hell does she mean? If I’m not at work, I’m here.
“At least if I’m on my own, I know I have to carry the weight of everything …
that I’m responsible for coordinating the family calendar, balancing our finances, doing all the chores, and organizing the maintenance,” she continues, her voice hitching.
“I won’t be disappointed when I don’t get any support, and my heart won’t break when my husband can’t even look up from his phone to say good morning.
” Her heartbreak bleeds through her words, and her pain drips from her beautiful eyes.
“It’ll be just like when you were overseas, and I had to do everything out of necessity. ”
Shame slides through my veins like dirty oil.
She clenches her fingers in my shirt and drops her forehead to my chest. Her breath hitches. “You don’t see me anymore, Nix, and it’s slowly destroying me. If I don’t leave now, I fear there’ll be nothing left of me.”
I never meant to make her feel unimportant, and the devastation that I have snakes its way through my body and pools in my gut.
I drop my lips to her hair and kiss her, breathing her warm, familiar scent deep into my lungs, terrified this may be the last time I have her this close.
Nails hammer into my brain, making it pulse in an unnatural, painful way, but I push it away.
Using every bit of calm I’m not feeling, I place my phone on the counter behind me, wrap my hand around her trim waist and slide my other hand beneath her silky hair, drawing her into my chest.
Can she feel how my heart beats for her? Only for her … always and ever for her.
If she leaves me, it will never beat again. I can’t let that happen.
I close my eyes, soaking in her touch and the feel of her warm body pressed tight against mine.
When was the last time we held each other close like this?
She’s my entire universe. How can she think I don’t see her?
When she’s in the room, she’s all I see.
Hell, even when she’s not in the room, she still takes up all of my attention.
Everything I do, I do for her and our family.
“Oh, good!” Prue’s voice breaks through our gut-wrenching moment like a gunshot in the dead of night. It’s easy to forget that she’s home when she spends most of her time at Luke’s place.
Abbi pulls away from me, the cool air rushing in to take her place. A smile slips across her lips as she subtly wipes her cheeks. “Morning, Sweet Pea.”
I take a leaf out of her book and attempt to pretend the last ten minutes never happened, and life’s good. Great even. I slip the envelope into my back pocket before our daughter sees it—no doubt asking a million questions about what’s inside.
Prue rushes forward, holding out her hand. “Guess what happened last night!”
Abbi squeals and lunges forward, taking Prue’s hand in hers. “Oh my god!”
They jump up and down on the spot, giggling and squealing like kids, and the sudden shift from devastation to elation knocks me on my ass. How can she act as if we didn’t just have the most brutal moment of our entire marriage?
I’m barely standing. Struggling to breathe. My mind spinning out of control. My heart crumbling to pieces.
And Abbi … well, she’s jumping around our kitchen like an excited teenager hyped up on sugar with our daughter.
What the hell just happened?
“Dad? What do you think?”
I look up, drawn away from my internal upheaval. Prudence holds her hand up close to my face, and the sparkling band of diamonds hugging her ring finger captures my attention.
What the fuck?
She’s too young for this. She’s only 24.
I raise my eyes to her face, which is so similar to her mother’s that they could easily be sisters.
Her big brown eyes are full of excitement, and my mind reels back to the times when I’d bounce her on my knee to make her giggle.
Her smile slowly diminishes the longer I take to join her in her happiness.
I glance over her shoulder to where Abbi’s looking at me with wide eyes. “Be happy for her,” she mouths.
How do I do that? I’ve just discovered my marriage is crumbling into oblivion. My wife no longer loves me, and she wants out. How can I be happy for Prue when her relationship is moving onto solid ground?
I move my gaze back to Prue and grin widely, hoping like hell it looks more genuine than it feels. “Congratulations, baby girl.” I lean in and hug her tightly. “I’m happy for you. Luke’s a great guy.”
“Thanks, Dad.” She turns her head to look at her mother over her shoulder. “We want to keep the costs down and get married here. If that’s okay with you guys?”
My eyes snap to the window overlooking the backyard.
We had so many plans to make it our oasis.
A place where we could escape from the day-to-day busyness of life, but I never got around to it after I retired from the army.
All of my time and energy have been spent building Steele Security from the ground up.
Building security and a legacy for my family.
Something that will take care of them if anything ever happens to me, because I refuse to let history repeat itself.
Yeah, and look where that’s gotten you.
Almost divorced.
Fuck!
“Sure, Sweet Pea. Your father and I would love to host your wedding here.” Abbi looks at me as if we’re still a team, when she just told me we aren’t and apparently haven’t been for some time. “Wouldn’t we?”
Will we even be living here by then? Will Abbi want to sell this house?
I rub the side of my neck, push all of my questions aside, and smile at our daughter. “Of course. I’ll make sure it’s perfect in time for your big day.”
Prue beams at us. “Thanks, Dad. I hope Luke and I are as happy as you guys are when we’ve been together as long as you have.” She hugs me, then Abbi. “You guys are couple goals.”
Abbi grimaces but covers it quickly. “So, when are you planning to have the wedding?”
“We’re going to wait until Murphy’s home. I want my brother here, and Luke wants his best friend to stand up for him.”
Shit! That gives me six months to get everything in order. I glance out at the yard again and scan the area, imagining all the things we discussed we’d do with the space over the years. I need to slow down at work so I can get everything done and spend more time with my wife.
My eyes find Abbi, as they always do.