5. nix
NIX
I walk into Steele Security with determination and lighter steps than I did yesterday.
I can’t fuck this up. There’s too much riding on me to get this right.
To make things right with Abbi. I never imagined I’d be the type of man to neglect his wife and family, but that’s exactly what I’ve done.
My father would be disappointed in me if he were still alive.
He always treated Mom like a queen, as if she was the beginning and end of his world.
I bet she never felt invisible or neglected, even though he worked long hours in construction.
“Morning, Nix,” Gabriel calls as soon as I walk through the door. I can always rely on him to be here before me, no matter what time I start work. I swear he sleeps in one of the onsite suites we have out back. It probably doesn’t hurt that he lives ten minutes from the building.
“Morning. I need a minute, and then I want you in my office. Turn on the answering machine; I don’t want us to be disturbed while we talk.” I pause, rolling the tension in my neck. “It’s important.”
“Sure. Let me know when you’re ready.”
I nod as I step through my office door and close it behind me; the snick of the latch loud in the quiet room. First things first. I pull out my phone as I sit behind my desk to text Abbi.
Me
Thanks for hearing me out this morning. I know I’ve hurt you, and I’ll do everything I can to show you how sorry I am. I love you, Abbi. More than I’ve shown you. Have a great day, beautiful x
I watch my screen go dark. There’s no response, but I didn’t expect one with her current workload and feelings toward me. As I watched disappointment flash in her eyes, I could tell it cost her dearly to agree to give me a chance.
But that’s Abbi.
Always the giver.
She gives of herself fully and wholeheartedly, often to her own detriment.
I’m shattered and ashamed that I’ve taken so much from her that she has nothing left to give—that the only option she has left is to leave. How could I have been so oblivious to what was happening right in front of me?
I pull up the contact for Harry. He’s counseled hundreds of men and women who find solace at The Bunker—the one place returned servicemen can spend time without being judged for their emotional and physical wounds. If anyone can help me work through my bullshit, he can.
I press his number and bring the phone to my ear. It rings a few times, then his rich voice comes over the line. “Morning. Harry speaking.”
I blow out a long breath and grit my teeth, feeling the tension radiate through my jaw.
Admitting I need help burns my throat, scorches me from the inside out.
It makes me feel like a failure. I could lead my men into a myriad of horrendous situations, but I can’t hold my marriage together. That’s some bullshit right there.
I shove my ego down and respond. “Hey, Harry. Nix here.”
“Ah, Nix, my man. How’s it hanging?”
The blood in my veins feels like it’s rushing too fast, and spots form in front of my eyes. I squeeze them tight and swallow my pride. “Pretty good.”
He chuckles dryly. “Remember, I have a no-bullshit policy, Nix. You wouldn’t be calling if everything was ‘pretty good’,” he chastises me in his usual way, and a melancholy grin tips up one side of my mouth.
“I remember. Do you have any time for me to stop by today?” I don’t know why I didn’t stop in to see him yesterday when I was at The Bunker to work off my frustration.
I trace the wood pattern on my oak desk and glance out of the window—not that I have a view, unless you count the grungy brick wall of the building next door.
“For you … always, young man.”
I grunt. “Not so young these days.”
“I consider anyone younger than me a young man or young woman. I’ll see you at eleven.” After a moment, I pull the phone from my ear and study the blank screen—he disconnected the damn call before I could confirm. He doesn’t mess around.
I quickly check my schedule for this morning and discover I can make it work, provided none of my team needs me.
I poke my head into Gabe’s office on the way to the kitchen. “Coffee?”
“Sure, thanks.”
I head into the kitchen and make our drinks, and when I get back to my office, Gabe’s waiting for me. “I put the answering machine on, but Gwen should be in shortly.”
“Thanks,” I mutter as I take my seat.
He studies me carefully, getting more comfortable in his chair. “What’s this about?”
I glance out of my window, gathering my thoughts and working out how much to share.
He’s my second-in-command, so I should be one hundred percent transparent with him.
I sigh, then drink my coffee. “I need to make some major structural changes around here.” I shove down my pride for the second time in less than fifteen minutes. “And I need your help to do it.”
Fuck, it’s hard to admit I can’t do everything myself.
He leans forward in his chair, eyebrows dipping low over his intelligent brown eyes. “Are you okay?”
I dip my chin, rubbing my sternum with the heel of my hand. “Physically … yes.” Emotionally and mentally, I’m not so sure.
His eyes narrow. “Okay. What’s going on?”
Swallowing another mouthful of coffee, I lean back in my seat. “This has to stay between us for now. It’s personal.” I wait for him to confirm that he understands. “Abbi asked me for a divorce yesterday.”
“Ah, fuck, man!” He jumps to his feet and paces, running his hand through his hair and messing up his dark curls. “Does she want to take the business from you? Bitch! Women are all the same,” he spits angrily.
I know his ex did a number on him while he was serving overseas, but I won’t stand for him calling my wife a bitch.
Every muscle in my body tenses ready for a fight at the unnecessary venom he directed at Abbi.
I push to my feet, shoving my chair back.
“Don’t fucking talk about Abbi like that.
Do you understand me?” I grit out sharply.
“I won’t tolerate anyone disrespecting my wife.
Ever. Do you understand?” I jab my finger angrily into my desk.
He pauses, turning to look at me with disbelief. When he realizes how serious I am, he holds his hands up. “Got it.” His body deflates. “Sorry. I didn’t mean anything by it. I’m angry on your behalf and got carried away.”
And that’s exactly why Gabe is my second-in-command.
I know he always has my back, but he doesn’t need to in this instance because I’m the one in the wrong.
I understand that his ex dragged him through the wringer, and he holds her responsible for the end of their marriage, and that he’s still working through his anger and pain toward his situation, but our situations are completely different.
I hold my hand out toward his chair. “Let’s move on. ”
He nods, taking his seat, and I pull my chair closer to take mine. “So, why the changes, then?”
“The breakdown of my marriage is entirely my fault, and I take full responsibility. My priorities have been focused in the wrong area, and I need to change that.” I trace the rim of my coffee cup for something to do with my hands.
“You’ve been building a successful business, Nix. One that supports our team and your family pretty well,” he states bluntly.
“I get that, but at the expense of my marriage.” I shake my head in the negative as I tap my fingers on my cup. “Which is completely unacceptable.” In no imagining of my life did I picture living it without Abbi by my side.
Gabe’s posture softens. “How can I help?”
I press my lips into a tight line. “Abbi’s graciously agreed to give me a second chance, and I can’t afford to fuck this up.
I need to eliminate nights and weekends out in the field.
I need to reduce the amount of handholding I do and create a culture of autonomy within the team.
We need to find another senior member to take some of the load from both of us and help to manage the scheduling, so I don’t have to tear my hair out every Monday.
In short, I’d like to take a step back, work less, and devote more time to my family.
” He jots down notes and nods along. “Think it’s possible? ” Please fucking say yes.
His eyes rise to meet mine, and he blows out an exaggerated breath. “These aren’t simple changes, Nix.”
I nod slowly, leaning back in my chair with my ankle crossed over my knee. “I know.”
“And what about the expansion? You wanted to add more staff so we can take on bigger jobs,” he reminds me, as if I could forget my goals. “Bring in more money.”
“I still want to grow the business. It may just need to grow more slowly than I originally planned. I want us to be the first company businesses think of when they have security needs. That hasn’t changed.
” I spot Gwen through the mirrored glass as she walks in and glance at the time. She’s late. Again.
I watch him scan his notes. “I think we can do this for you, but it’s going to take time and patience. You can’t expect the guys to change the way they work and think overnight. There will be hurdles and setbacks. You need to understand that.” He leans forward. “Abbi needs to understand that.”
“I do, and she will.” I hope. I lean forward, pressing my elbows to my desk. “But I need this. If it comes down to it, I’ll walk away from the business I built in favor of Abbi and the kids. No question.”
His eyebrows shoot up, and he twists his pen around his fingers. I think he finally understands how serious I am. “Then, I guess we’d better make it happen.”
We discuss some possible long-term solutions, but in the meantime, we shuffle some guys around to pick up my overnight and weekend jobs so I can be home every night and weekend for the next few weeks.
It’s a start and more than I expected this soon.
Hopefully, Abbi will see that I’m serious about making the necessary changes.
As the owner of the company, I always planned to step away from day-to-day operations at some point. The goal is to have people in place to take leadership positions within the company and to expand the team to grow the business. I just need it to happen sooner than I’d planned.
Gabe steps out of my office, and I check the time. Satisfied that I can spare a few minutes, I pull up the IKEA website on my laptop and check out their storage ideas. I add a few possible items to my cart so I can assess their suitability when I get to the store.