14. abbi
ABBI
I wipe beneath my eyes and push my shoulders back.
Nix has always had what I consider an unhealthy sense of duty to his men.
I get that it was part of his job when he was serving as their sergeant, but it’s been years since he was in a position of leadership, yet he still feels responsible for the men who were part of his team.
I can’t fathom the bonds they formed under dire circumstances, and to a point, I understand the situations they’ve experienced together forge a deep connection, but Shane is no longer ‘his man’.
At what point will Nix relinquish his role as their leader?
At what point will he stop feeling this heightened level of responsibility?
Maybe I’m an asshole?
Am I the asshole here?
I guess I am.
Shane’s badly hurt. He’s in the hospital.
I’m definitely the asshole here. I huff.
I understand that he and Nix are close. If it were one of my friends, I’d head straight to their bedside too.
Then why do I feel so hurt?
I dig deeper inside my heart and head, searching for a reason.
At first, I was upset that he just up and left our family lunch, disrupting the afternoon’s plans to discuss Prue and Luke’s wedding, but once I realized the gravity of the situation, my only thought was to support Nix.
To be by his side and to offer him comfort. But he rejected it. Rejected me.
He shot me back in time and reminded me how inconsequential I am. I hadn’t felt that way since living with my parents, whose lack of interest and attention told me every single day how unimportant I was. I never used to feel that way with Nix. Not until he retired from the army.
He was determined to get to ‘his man’ and deal with it on his own.
The way he always does. He’s always kept our family separate from his work life, to the point where I feel like an outsider on the rare occasions the two intersect.
It hurts that he doesn’t let me in. Especially at a time when I know in my heart he could use my support.
And at a time when we’re on such shaky ground.
But that’s just it, isn’t it?
He has his life—quite separate from mine.
He only needs me to run our household these days.
Our kids are our only tie, and they’re both grown and live mostly out of our home.
We don’t need to stay together for their benefit.
But I was hopeful after the discussions we’ve had so far that Nix and I would stay together for our benefit.
Because we still love and care for each other, and we want to be together like we promised all those years ago when he asked me to marry him.
A bittersweet smile touches my lips as I remember …
Gosh, he’s acting strange tonight. I lay my hand on his to stop his restless fidgeting as we sit on the side of my parents’ pool, our legs dangling in the water to keep us cool. “Are you okay?” I ask quietly.
Nix has always been an introspective kind of guy. He doesn’t share what’s going on in his head and heart with just anyone. But with me, he’s always been an open book, and I’ve loved learning all the intricacies that make him who he is.
He tangles his fingers with mine, the way he always does, and sighs heavily. “Yeah, just have a lot on my mind, you know?”
I nudge his arm with my shoulder. “Wanna talk about it?”
He raises his gaze to mine, and all I see is torment and self-doubt.
My stomach sinks to my toes like a lead weight sinking to the bottom of the pool, and I fear he’s going to break up with me.
He wants to become an Army Ranger, and I know the rigorous training involved is playing on his mind.
Does he think I’ll hold him back? Because I never would.
I want him to follow his dreams and become the best version of himself.
He always thinks he’s not good enough for me, but it’s really the other way around.
He’s such a good person with a strong moral compass.
He’ll help anyone who needs it without question, and I love that about him.
His fingers squeeze mine as he lifts my hand to his mouth, kissing the back of it gently.
Butterflies swoop at his romantic nature.
I never would have guessed how sweet Nix could be before we started dating.
His eyes bore into mine, changing in intensity and growing hotter.
I know that look. Pressing my thighs together, I try to stem the ache he’s building there, but it’s almost impossible when I know what he can do to my body with ease.
A squeal leaves my lips when I’m suddenly straddling Nix’s thick thighs, water from my wet legs pooling on either side.
The army’s done amazing things for his body.
He’s always been in shape, but he’s stronger and more muscular now.
My knees hit the unforgiving concrete surrounding the pool, and my fingers dig into his shoulders for purchase.
He smiles up at me with satisfaction, and I return it with a giggle.
My laughter dies when he presses his mouth to mine and kisses me roughly.
I taste his urgency and desperation on his tongue and meet it with my own.
Wrapping my arms around his neck, I press as close as possible, squashing my breasts against his wide chest. His fingers grip my ass, squeezing almost painfully, and pressing me against his hard dick.
Without thinking, I roll my hips and am rewarded with a gravelly groan that vibrates through my body, making a direct hit at my clit.
Snatching his lips from mine before I’m ready, he presses his forehead to mine. Our breaths blend while our eyes catch and hold.
“Marry me, Abigail,” he breathes.
My heart skips, and I know my eyes widen with surprise. “What?” I murmur.
He closes his eyes as if he’s in physical pain, and when he opens them again, they’re full of a resoluteness I’ve never seen before.
“I know I’m not good enough for you.” I open my mouth to argue, but he places his finger on my lips and shakes his head, silencing me.
“But you make me a better man, and I’ll strive every day to be better than I was the day before for you.
I love you more than I ever thought was possible to love another person.
You center me and give me purpose. When I wake in the morning, you’re my first thought, and at the end of the day you’re my last. I think about you all day and dream about you all night.
You’re the beginning and end of everything.
I promise to always put you first. To do everything for you.
I don’t want to live without you. Please say you’ll be mine. ”
With my lips stretched in a wide smile and my heart warm and full, I press my mouth to Nix’s.
It takes only a second for him to catch up and tangle his tongue with mine.
I squirm in his lap, trying to get closer, but there are too many articles of clothing in the way.
Scraping my short nails through his buzz cut, I invite him to deepen our kiss. Instead, he pulls away too soon.
He peels my fingers from his scalp and pulls our joined hands between us.
“I don’t have a ring yet. We can go together to choose one.
I want it to be perfect and everything you’ve ever dreamed an engagement ring to be.
Please say yes, Abs.” His eyes burn into mine, reaching to the deepest parts of me, and I realize I haven’t answered him.
Flicking my gaze between his eyes, I smile, my happiness too big to contain.
“Of course my answer is yes. I’d marry you tomorrow without a ring because I love you.
” I pull my hand from his and press my palm over his heart.
The wild beats thump against me. “I love who you are. Every single part of you. I love how you love me. You’re the best man I know.
I’d be so proud to be your wife.” I lean backward, knowing he’s got me and I won’t fall into the pool.
“Phew. I was worried you were gonna break up with me.” I chuckle, embarrassed.
Pulling his head back, he looks at me as if I have three heads. “That’s never gonna happen. I’m never letting you go.”
He seals his promise with a kiss, and every muscle in my body sighs with happiness.
My heart aches with loss. We thought we had it all figured out.
That all we needed to do was love each other.
But life got in the way. Priorities changed.
We grew up and learned that love doesn’t conquer all, and most importantly, we forgot to love each other.
I huff as I close the garage door and make my way back inside.
Pushing away the negative thoughts and troubles in my marriage, I lock them away and step onto our back porch.
“Is everything okay?” Prue asks, her features creasing with tension.
I push my pain aside. “Yeah. Shane got bitten by a rattlesnake and ended up in emergency, so your dad wants to be there in case they need him.”
Her eyes widen. “Oh, no!” she gasps. “Will he be okay?”
I shrug. “I don’t know anymore than that.” I hope he is. I don’t know Shane well, but I know he doesn’t deserve this. He’s been through enough. Everyone who was affected by that terrible event has.
I wonder if I should head to the hospital. In case Nix needs me.
Nope. I shove the thought away. I already offered, but he didn’t want me there.
At this point, I feel like I’m taking up unnecessary space in Nix’s life.
That he doesn’t need me at all. Even though I run the house, he’s more than capable of doing it.
He doesn’t lean on me in times of need, and I wouldn’t even call us friends these days.
I’m unsure how to diminish the cavernous space between us.
Sometimes I wonder if it would be better to pack my bags and move out, but I don’t want Prue to know our marriage is falling apart while she’s in this blissful state of organizing hers. What kind of mother would I be? She thinks marriage is a fairytale and happily ever after is a real thing.
Thanks to me and Nix.