session five #2
“Okay. I’m glad she’s found rest. But, Nix, you need to keep a close eye on her. If the swelling gets too bad, she may have trouble breathing. It would be better to have her checked over by a medical professional, but I’ll leave that between the two of you to decide.”
Doubts surface that we’re doing the wrong thing by hiding what happened here tonight. What if she stops breathing and I’m out here oblivious to her struggle? Maybe it would be better to take her to the hospital.
“Hang on. I need to check on her.” I quickly make my way inside and over to the bed, breathing a sigh of relief when I see her chest rising and falling steadily. “She’s okay,” I whisper into the phone and head to the far side of the room.
“Good. I’m glad to hear that but keep checking on her. Okay?”
“Yeah, of course.”
“Now … about you?” His question is open, and I really don’t know where to start. There are too many thoughts fighting for the top spot at the moment. “How are you holding up?”
I push my fingers through my hair and tug the short strands, hoping the sharp pain will bring clarity, but it doesn’t work. The gravity of our situation hits hard.
This is my safe space. I can tell Harry anything.
“I almost killed my wife tonight, Harry,” I whisper brokenly.
“But you didn’t. Something in your consciousness held you back.
Even in sleep, you stopped yourself from going too far.
We both know you have the training and capability of actually strangling a man to death, but you didn’t because somewhere inside of you, your mind and body recognized Abbi,” he tells me.
I guess that makes sense, somewhat. I know I could snap the neck of any man in the space of a heartbeat. The fact that Abbi is still alive is a miracle.
“That’s a hard pill to swallow, because regardless of whether my subconscious stopped me from killing Abbi, I’ve still hurt her, and I don’t know how I’ll live with myself.”
He sighs. “You need to have an open and honest discussion. You both need to unpack what happened on a superficial and deeper level.”
“We’ve never really done that.” We sort of just sweep stuff aside and go about our day. After a few days, any incident gets forgotten … but does it, really? Isn’t that why Abbi asked for a divorce and why she feels shut out of my life?
But I shut her out for a reason.
“Well, as we’ve already discussed, you need to start.
I know you shared some of your deeper beliefs about financial security with her, and she received them openly.
It helped to move your relationship in a more positive direction.
Talking about this will be difficult … there’s no doubt about it.
But it will be essential to your healing. ”
“I’m not sure a discussion will be enough.
If I’m completely honest, I’m terrified that I’ve done irreparable damage to my marriage and Abbi now knows how broken I really am.
I’ve been able to hide it from her by sleeping apart, but tonight …
tonight she got a front-row seat to my mind.
And it was fucking dangerous. I could have …
” I choke. “I could have killed her, Harry.” I cover my mouth with my hand.
I sound like a broken record at this point, but I can’t move past it.
I don’t think I ever will. I can’t move past the idea of not having Abbi in my life.
“But you didn’t. She’s okay and she’ll recover,” he reassures me in that calm way of his. “You know this wasn’t something you’ve done, and it was out of your control. Your mind is making sense of the current situation with Murphy, and it created the scenario that arose in your sleep.”
“I realize this, but it doesn’t make what happened … what I did to Abbi any better,” I murmur, careful to keep my voice lowered so as not to wake my wife.
“I understand. It’s shocking and frightening, and our human minds can’t help but run with all the ‘what if’ scenarios,” he says calmly. “Once things settled, how did the two of you respond?”
My mind flicks back to an hour ago, the way she jerked away from me.
“I’ve been remorseful and apologetic. I’ve promised it will never happen again and that we’ll sleep apart until I can find a solution.
Harry …” I breathe. “Please tell me there’s a real solution.
I want to sleep with my wife.” I don’t care that he can hear how desperate I am.
I just need an answer. I need to know there’s an end in sight and things with Abbi can return to how they were before I became so fucked up.
“I need to be able to hold her all night without fear of falling asleep and possibly killing her,” I beg. “Tell me there’s a solution.”
“Of course there’s a solution. We just need to find one that works for you.
We already touched on this.” I hear his heavy exhale across the line.
“But, Nix. You need to talk with Abbi about what happened and what’s going on for you.
The root cause. It’s what she’ll need from you after an event like this.
” He huffs. “And for goodness’ sake, don’t pull away from her.
It’s the last thing your marriage needs. ”
Easier said than done.
I open and close my hand, forming a fist so tight that my knuckles turn white.
My gut wrenches as the image of my hands wrapped around my wife’s neck, of the terror in her eyes, the tears on her cheeks, and her thrashing to stop my attack assaults me.
“Perhaps I’m being selfish by staying. She wanted a divorce. Maybe I should give it to her.”