30. Johnny
Johnny
It wasn’t yet Labor Day, but by the levels of the crowds in town, I could already tell that some of the kids were back in school. It was still hot most days, but at night, it was cooler, and occasionally, the crisp air would flood my senses, letting me know that fall was around the corner.
I was able to find a parking spot on Main Street, and when I walked into the hardware store, I grabbed a cart and took out my list.
My goal was to get the resort ready to rent out by next summer, and even though I was excited about the new place, part of me was dreading all the work to be done.
I nodded to the cashier and made my way down to the outdoor area. The first thing on my list was to get outside cleanup done, then figure out what was absolutely necessary for next summer. I was deep in my list when I heard a familiar voice one aisle over.
“I know, I know, but I told Mary I’d pick up a few things before coming back to the shop…”
I’d recognize that voice anywhere.
My skin hummed in excitement. Beth was back.
“Okay. I’ll see you in a bit.”
She was on the phone, and as I listened, my heart jumped into my throat, knowing she stood on the other side of the lawn equipment.
The squeak of the cart filled my ears. She was moving.
I hadn’t spoken with her in weeks, and I needed to see her.
As I pushed my own cart, I followed the sound of hers to the end of the aisle, turning toward hers before cutting her off.
She looked up, her face free of makeup and those freckles on full display on her rosy cheeks. Her lips parted slightly as she took a beat to realize I was standing in front of her. It was that much faster that her mouth closed in a tight line, reining in her emotions.
“Beth.”
“Johnny.” She nodded at me and tried to push her cart around mine.
“Wait! Can we talk for a minute? I’m surprised to see you. You visiting?” I asked the question and yet internally felt there was something else going on. Someone visiting wouldn’t be in the hardware store with a cart full of supplies.
“Not really much to talk about.” She tried to seem aloof about running into me, but I knew that was just her trying to play it cool.
“Okay. I just…” I started, then trailed off.
I didn’t know what to say. Sorry seemed too flippant with how we’d left things.
I’d tried texting her a couple times and apologizing, but she hadn’t responded.
“I’m glad to see you… I wanted to apologize about how I acted that night.
I don’t know what I was thinking—what came over me.
It wasn’t right. I’m sorry.” And I believed it.
Even if I knew she was better off without me, I could have managed things more… gracefully.
She nodded, looking down, before checking her watch. “Thanks. I appreciate that.”
My stomach turned, knowing that I was completely blowing this.
“So, you’re here. In the hardware store. Are you visiting Megan?”
She paused for a moment, probably realizing I wouldn’t let her get out of here without some sort of information from her. She let out an almost silent huff before answering. “No, I’m not visiting Megan. I’m moving here.”
My mouth instantly dried. My breath hitched.
She was moving here—permanently.
“Wow… that’s great.” I didn’t know what to say but knew I at least had a chance.
“Thanks.” She looked at her watch again, almost seeming indifferent to the conversation. She started pushing her cart toward the exit. “I’ve actually got to check out and get over there. I’ll see you around.”
“Wait!” My chest tightened as I watched her wheel away, and I leaned in, grabbing her arm. “I’d love to see you again. I miss you.”
She looked down at my hand that still rested on her arm, and she looked back to me.
“Not sure that’s a good idea. I know you’re sorry, and I appreciate the apology—I really do—I just don’t think us restarting anything is a good idea.
” She placed one hand on her hip, the other still on the cart handle.
The nerves in me creeped out to every limb of my body, and I stood there realizing what a terrible mistake I’d made.
“I have a lot on my plate. And frankly, it’s clear you’re not ready for anything.
And that’s okay. But if I learned anything this summer, it was that I can’t do casual.
I need someone who is in it. With me. And someone who’s not scared of what they want and will support me in what I want and not make decisions on my behalf.
” She sighed. “I just don’t have time for anything else.
Good luck with the rest of the busy season. ” She waved, pushing toward the exit.
I stood there, frozen in the middle of the aisle, watching her walk off—her vanilla scent trailing away with her.
She was right. I knew she was right.
Someone else was going to realize what a fucking catch she was, and before that happened, I needed to get my shit together.
Beth checked out, and I made sure to give her some space before heading back to my own truck.
My phone dinged as the engine rumbled. Ryan had sent me a photo of the three of them, all making funny faces.
I was happy for my brother, but I couldn’t help but feel the jealousy creep up my spine as I looked at the photo, wishing I had something like that.
I sat in the car for a moment before having an idea.
Me: You around in the next few days? Need some advice
The next day was Saturday, and I hopped in my car early to get on the road. Lane had helped me move a lot of the brush and materials at the resort, and we got so much done. I only felt partially bad about leaving the half-finished project for the weekend.
The drive was easy. None of the rush-hour traffic that had plagued me for years when I lived in the city and only light construction. I made great time—under two hours door to door.
As I pulled up, I realized I should have given my brother a better heads-up that I was coming because everyone was here—my dad holding a rake, my brother holding some clippers, and my mom sitting on the porch with my sister-in-law and niece toddling around.
I swallowed as I slowly reached for the key to stop the engine.
Oberon was already standing, ready to get out after the long ride, and as I stepped out of the car, he jumped out and ran up the driveway, tongue wagging.
I started up the drive after him.
“Didn’t think you should give us a heads-up you were coming, huh?” Ryan called out, smirking at me.
I shrugged. I had given him a little detail via text, and I was pretty sure he was putting together the pieces about why I was here. I didn’t know what to say with my parents standing next to him though.
The amount of personal information I’d provided my mom and dad in the last few years was limited. They didn’t know about Beth, and I tensed up thinking about opening up with my dad again.
“Sorry,” I said. “Obviously, I’m interrupting.”
“No worries at all,” Ryan said, shaking his head with a smile.
“Just doing some pre-fall clean-up. Mom wanted to see Kinsley, so they’re over for lunch today.
Win-win. In fact, you being here works out because it’ll speed up the process.
” He turned around, leading the way to the garage. “Follow me.”
Dad wasn’t far behind, and we stood shoulder to shoulder while Ryan rummaged through cupboards and found another set of clippers.
“May as well make yourself useful, huh?” Ryan said, handing them to me.
We trudged back out front, and once we got there, Felicia waved, offering me a coffee before joining Mom and Kinsley back on the porch with Oberon.
We all worked side by side trimming the overgrown shrubs and packing them into bags the next couple hours without saying much.
This was the most time I’d spent with my whole family outside of holidays in a couple years.
No one gave my presence a second glance though, to my relief.
Ryan was right. We definitely got done with everything much faster with three of us, and I was glad to help my brother out.
When we finished up, we all headed to the back deck and sat on the patio set. The girls were in the house putting together sandwiches, and Kinsley giggled as Oberon kept grabbing her toys and chasing her around. Even after only a month, she seemed to move so much better than over the Fourth.
I leaned back in my chair, sipping my second coffee of the day, and enjoying the faint breeze that blew through the backyard.
Ryan lived in a small bungalow. All the houses close together, and there were giant oak trees that shaded everyone’s yards, creating a sense of privacy despite the close neighbors.
It was a similar neighborhood to the one I’d grown up in, yet completely different from my place in Port St. Clair.
“So, you going to tell us what’s going on?” Ryan smirked at me, taking a sip of the coffee he was still working on.
I paused, looked at my brother, then to my dad, then back again.
My dad, sensing my hesitance, stood up. “I can give you some time.”
“No, no, just sit.” I grabbed Dad’s arm, holding on tight. “Please stay. It’s fine. It’s… well, it’s not fine, but I want it to be.”
I took a deep breath, then proceeded to tell Ryan and my dad about the summer, about the festival, and all about Beth.
Plus, my complete screw-up at Starlight Night and running into her yesterday, along with the news of her moving back.
Of course, Ryan knew some of this already, but he was able to fill in the blanks with what I shared.
“I miss her.” I ran my hand down my face, scrunching my eyes. “I want her back. I need her back. I just don’t know what to say, what to do.”
“Do you want to take this or should I?” my brother asked my dad, rocking back in his chair.
I knew they were close. They’d stayed close and grown closer when I left town a few years ago, but as I watched them communicate through only a glance at each other, I felt a ball of regret and jealously in my gut. I no longer had that closeness with my dad, and I wished things were different.
Ryan raised his eyebrow at Dad, and Dad cleared his throat, turning back to me.
“It sounds like you really like this girl.”
I huffed out, leaning forward onto my knees, looking at him. It felt weird but also strangely familiar to talk like this with my dad—almost as if no time had passed. I nodded. “I love her. She’s… different. I fucked up though. I need to fix it.”
They sat there, watching me, knowing I was figuring out how to put it into words.
“When I saw her yesterday, it was like a freight train knocked me over. I just don’t know how to do it.
” I shook my head. “Every relationship I’ve ever been in, everyone I’ve ever been close with, I’ve messed it up.
They’ve walked away. I wasn’t enough for them.
I just shut down when I saw her with that guy—just like I did last time.
It took me right back to when I found out about Anne and what’s-his-name.
I just couldn’t do it. I was scared.” I paused, scuffing my feet. “I don’t want to be scared anymore.”
My dad leaned forward, matching my stance with his elbows balancing on his knees, his hands crossed in between. “It’s okay to be scared, son.”
The silence was thick. I couldn’t remember the last time my dad and I opened up with each other, and it felt like we were on the precipice of something.
He continued, “Some of the best things that happened in my life started because I made a choice when I was scared.”
He and Ryan exchanged a look, like they were in this club that I was yet to be a part of but one they were inviting me into.
“So, what does that even mean?” I asked, not sure how to navigate this new territory with my dad.
“You tell her. You go to her, and you tell her. You meet her where she is,” he said.
I shook my head. “I already did that.”
“No,” Ryan chimed in. “You happened to run into her at the store and texted her a few times. Not the same thing. You need to show up for her. Meet her where it matters. And be real with her.”
“It’s the only way,” my dad said. “I don’t think I ever told you boys this, but when your mom and I were dating, we broke up for a while.”
Both Ryan and I snapped our heads to look his way.
“What?” we both asked at the same time.
“I was dumb and young, and I thought I was missing out on something. I was a mess after my previous divorce. Hell, I didn’t know what I really wanted—what I really needed—until she was gone.
” He clicked his tongue. “When I finally figured it out a few weeks later, I made it all about her. On her grounds, on her terms, and I told her how I felt. Been together ever since.”
My dad never talked about things like this, and it made me start to feel more normal, realizing that he was only human too.
“I didn’t know that,” Ryan said.
“Me neither.”
“All I’m saying is that you can’t sit back and let it happen to you, and you definitely can’t be so scared that you don’t go after what you want. If this is what you want, you need to be all in.”
“That’s what I want. I’m all in,” I said.
“Then you need to tell her that. You can’t live your life on the sidelines, with fear leading the charge. You’ll never get what you really need if you aren’t truthful with yourself.”
We sat there for a few moments, and in the silence of only the breeze, the creak of the screen door opened, and Felicia followed my mom outside with lunch.
The rest of the afternoon was lighthearted and surprisingly relaxing. Over the last few years, I’d been so nervous and so self-conscious of myself that I hadn’t let my guard down around my parents. Hearing my dad share his story and provide his own insight, it was exactly what I needed.
Now, I needed to come up with a plan.