32. Johnny
Johnny
Here she was.
I’d done some back-end digging and let her mom know that I planned to drive up and see her before she made the move back down to Port St. Clair.
In my dad’s words, I needed to meet her where she was, and even though she was moving, this was her home. These were the people that mattered to her.
I’d never been to Randall, only passed by signs on my way to some destination further up north.
As we started walking, the fields that surrounded us hummed with the summer breeze.
There were two giant barns on the back of the property that looked like they’d been there for half a century or longer.
There was a clothesline with women’s bras, men’s shirts, and sheets hanging from it.
Each field seemed to host a different kind of produce.
Beth had told me they spent a lot of time at farmer’s markets but that they also had some larger customers that took on the more prevalent crops they produced.
Even though there were only a few people working for them, it looked like a huge operation.
The fields ran from the barns to almost a mile down the road, and that’s just what I saw.
I quietly followed Beth as she led the way to a worn path further behind the barn.
“So?” Beth asked. “What’s this about? How’d you even know where I was?”
She was clipped but still eyed me, clearly open to whatever answer I gave her.
It was clear she was pushing me to start the conversation, and frankly, I was just relieved she was even open to having a conversation.
“Your mom,” I started. “I knew I needed to talk with you… here. Not in Port St. Clair. I found her number on the website and spoke with her a day or two ago.”
Her eyes went wide. “Why?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” I asked, stopping next to an old tire swing hanging on a giant oak tree.
“Not to me.”
“I’m so sorry, Beth. I’m so sorry that I was an absolute ass when we were back in Port St. Clair. I know that. I just got scared.”
“What? Why would you get scared?”
“When I saw you and him.” I paused. “My body was at the festival, but everything in me transported back to three years ago. The hurt. The betrayal. The loneliness. It was the worst part of my life. I was in a really dark place for a while. I didn’t trust anyone.
I know it might not make much sense, but I panicked.
I shut down. My body flooded with what happened before.
I needed to protect myself. Part of me still wonders if I’m good enough for you, but I figured I needed to give it a try, even if I wasn’t.
I don’t want to hold you back though. I want you to have everything. ”
She looked up at me, mouth slightly agape, like I hit a nerve.
“The problem is that I refuse to let you walk away from me though.”
She raised an eyebrow, unsure.
“I couldn’t stand to lose you. I can’t explain it. Everything is completely different with you. Everything is better. It’s not even a comparison to three years ago. If I lost you, it’d be even worse.”
“I was always planning to leave though.” She crossed her arms. “How is that any different?”
“But after you left, I realized how ridiculous I was.” I reached out and held her elbows in my hands. “I trust you, care for you, more than I do anyone else in my life. How could that possibly be a bad thing? A scary thing? I just didn’t know what to do with it.”
She visibly swallowed, and I heard the gulp from where I stood.
“I love you, Beth. I love you more than I realized I could love anyone. And I’ll do anything to prove that to you every single day.
You’re it. You’re endgame for me. And even if you don’t feel like that with me right now…
I’ll figure out a way for you to trust me long term.
I’ll show you every day. And you know why?
Because this.” I pointed back and forth between us.
“This is what it’s supposed to be like. I want to be your person.
I want to be your family. I want to lift you up and help you be whoever it is you want to be—whether it’s in Port St. Clair or somewhere completely different. I’m all in on you.”
I tipped her chin up and saw her glassy eyes.
“I wasn’t looking for it. Hell, I was pushing back on it for a long time, but now I know. I can’t imagine another option for us. I just hope you’ll say yes sooner than later, so that we can both enjoy what this life could be.”
A stray tear pushed out the side of her eye and rolled down her cheek. “I wasn’t expecting this. How? How can I trust that you won’t freak out again?” She crossed her arms, giving herself a hug.
“You can’t. And I probably will. I know I won’t be perfect. I won’t say all the right things or do the right things, but in my heart, I believe in us. Do you believe in us?”
“Maybe I can try.” She sniffed, running the back of her hand across her wet face.
“I’ll take it.” I smiled, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear, and kissing her forehead.
“And for what it’s worth… I love you too, Johnny.” She looked up at me, her face blotchy and wet, and in that moment, she was the most beautiful woman in the world.
I pulled her into me, tilted her head back, and kissed her swollen lips. They tasted like vanilla, just like her, just like home.
I didn’t know how long we stood there for, just holding each other, my arms wrapped around her, my lips kissing her neck, her arching against me, exactly where she should be.