Chapter 3
Sophie
LIFE TO-DO LIST
AKA things to accomplish before I die.
But sooner rather than later. One month to complete them all. No, that feels too rushed. Maybe by the end of the year?
Like, before I get too scared to ever leave the house again and turn into a sad, shriveled-up, lonely person who never goes outside and makes tiny little friends out of the dust bunnies under my bed, and it takes months before my neighbors find my body . . .
So yeah, sooner than later.
In no particular order—actually, the order is pretty particular.
In least scary to most scary order:
Get a pedicure.
Wear red lipstick in public.
Withdraw cash from the bank like it’s the olden days. (In person. From a teller, not the ATM/drive-through.)
Go to the gym. (Ugh. Every part of it is just awful. Attractive people. Front-desk workers. Judgment everywhere. How do you even use the equipment? What if I get a sweat stain that looks like a penis on my back and everybody laughs at me?)
Compliment a stranger. (Without fumbling over my words and somehow insulting them instead.)
Be properly fitted for a bra. (Oh God, could I really do this? Yes, I need to. The last time I went was in the tenth grade when I was forced to go, and things have . . . shifted a bit since then.)
Call and make a dentist appointment.
Go to the appointment. (Ugh. What if they try to talk to me while my mouth is full of their hands?)
Help a tourist with directions / suggest a place to visit. (No more pretending I don’t speak English if they talk to me.)
Join one of the many groups/classes at Hooks and Grannies. (It would be so easy to join one, I have ALL the hobbies.)
Street/parallel park at a crowded event. (With people watching.)
See my therapist in person. (Will she even see me anymore?)
Go to a house party. (DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!)
Do karaoke. (Are there any karaoke songs that don’t have lyrics?)
Volunteer for one of the million fall events.
Participate in AT LEAST three two one of the local fall events. (Lord knows this town can’t get enough of them. Stay for at least one a half hour and talk to at least five two people.)
Go for a run through town. (I have no idea why. I don’t do exercise, but it’s something smug people seem to enjoy.)
Find out what I need to renew my driver’s license.
Go to the DMV to renew my driver’s license.
Drive on the freeway at least once a month.
Go to the doctor and get a full physical. (When was the last time you had a physical?! At least the new doctor is a woman.)
Get a tattoo piercing.
Break a minor law. (One where nobody gets hurt.)
Stand up to anybody the next time they make a comment about my body. (I will die before sharing this with anybody, but just in case, I am going to be safe and not use anybody’s name.)
Have mind-blowing, multiple toe-curling orgasms, forget-my-own-name sex.
Enjoy sex with a partner.
Have a superhot make-out session. (This would be far easier if I could just get out of my own damn way.)
Get dressed up in a fancy gown and feel beautiful.
Dance with a hot guy.
Go to the annual Winter Ball with a hot date. (Obviously, this is the least likely to happen and therefore at the end of the list, but we will call it a Reach Goal.)
Just writing this all out, I have no idea if I will be able to do even half of these, even with my modifications.
Who am I kidding . . . I just want to be normal. I just want a brain that works like it’s supposed to.
If found, please burn and pretend you never read this. Just kidding, this list will never be found because I will never let it be pried from my clenched fist!
I need to burn this list before anybody finds it . . .