Chapter 15
Pace
Almost a week later, I was thirty reps into a muscle-splitting bench-press set and still thinking about Sophie.
A tall oscillating fan hummed in the corner of my small home gym, formerly a garage.
I had the door wide open, letting the breeze in, cooling the sweat prickling my body.
I knew better than to heavy lift solo, so I kept the weight light with high reps.
Just enough to really feel the burn. And burn it did.
My lack of activity with Sophie meant I pushed myself harder than ever in muscle gain.
In the last several days, I still hadn’t worked up the courage to reach out to her.
Had that ship sailed? Every time I thought about swinging by the shop or shooting her a casual text, I would just get worked up about saying the wrong thing.
Despite exchanging phone numbers at the bonfire, it felt so intimate to reach out without a solid reason.
I would imagine all the different ways I’d mess up, causing an awkward tension between us.
If my constant overthinking and racing thoughts were just a fraction of what it was like all the time in her head, then I had really fucked up with her.
I had no idea what she lived with every day.
I pushed the bar off with a grunt, maybe a little unnecessarily loud, but it felt good to get out some of my frustration. Across the street, I saw the Silver Sneakers group walk by. For the third time. They waved again, and I chuckled back with a salute.
Just as I was about to lie back down, Levi walked in with Claire in tow.
“Hey, what are you two up to?” I wiped sweat from my brow.
Claire curled up her nose and sniffed. “It smells like sweaty boys in here.”
“That tracks,” I said breathlessly, gesturing to my body.
“We were just headed to get some lunch,” Levi said.
“And wanted to see if you wanted to join us?” Claire asked. “After you shower.”
I perked up. “I wouldn’t be crashing your date?” I was already tossing my dirty rag into the laundry and spraying down the bench with cleaner.
“No date, just lunch. Come on,” she said with a laugh.
“Okay. Cool, thanks. Give me ten.”
“Take twenty if you need it,” Claire called after me as I sprinted upstairs to take the world’s fastest shower.
Less than thirty minutes later, the three of us sat at a booth at Skytop Diner, Claire and Levi cuddling across from me. Would there ever be a time when I wasn’t alone on this side of the booth?
“You’ve been quiet this week,” Levi said after we’d ordered.
“You know how it is, all the ladies need their time,” I said, lightly.
Claire and Levi exchanged a look that I did not appreciate. A look that said maybe they’d been talking about me, and God forbid, were worried.
“What happened with Sophie and the list?” Claire asked, direct as ever.
“Oh, yeah, that thing.” I shrugged.
I glanced out the window. Was that the same pack of quick-walking grannies? I leaned closer to look, and like a group of flamingos in neon sportswear, all their heads shot forward in unison.
“We heard you were getting pedicures,” Levi said. His dark brow furrowed. “I thought that we were going to do that together someday.”
“Sorry, my man, she popped my self-care cherry.”
“And it went well?” Claire asked, hope written all over her features. So much I had to look away.
“I thought it did. And then when we were done, I managed to put my foot in my mouth.” I pulled out a packet of sugar to have something to fidget with. “She couldn’t get away fast enough,” I confessed, reliving the familiar shame.
“It was probably just a lot for her. I saw that list,” Claire said. “I think it’s actually great that you got her to do even that. Pedicures can be intense.”
I frowned. If it was meant to be a form of relaxation and indulgence, how did these women find it to be so stressful? Why did they put themselves through it?
“She said that, but . . .” A little hole ripped in the sugar packet and the grains spilled out. “She seemed so defeated. So frustrated with me. It was like I did exactly the wrong thing.”
“I’m sure you were fine. She’s just going to need a lot of time if her anxiety is as bad as it sounds.”
“It’s really bad.” I used my finger to gather the granules of sugar into a pile. I didn’t want to talk about her personal struggles too much; it was her private business, but maybe they could show me how I could help.
“I’m sure she was glad to have you with her,” Claire said.
I wished that was true, but I worried I just made things worse for her.
We were distracted for a minute with ketchup, salt, and pepper distribution as our food was dropped off.
It was Levi who eventually spoke.
“Let me try to explain this,” he said. He was asking that I give him space to form his words and not jump in to fill in the silence.
I stuffed a few fries into my pie hole, just to be safe.
“When things were really bad, right after Mom died, the thought of trying to leave the house to talk to people, it was like . . . it was like the thought of walking into a burning building.” He spoke measured and with control.
I held up my hands. “Fires are not something to joke about.”
“I know,” he said solemnly. “That’s why I’m not joking.
I would rather completely cut myself off and avoid everything that could potentially bring me joy because the idea of being out and thinking or talking about Mom felt so unmanageable that it wasn’t worth it.
In my mind and my body, it was as scary as walking into pain and danger. ”
“Yeah.” I had come to that conclusion over the last week, how hard it was for her.
I had replayed everything she’d said to me over and over, finally hearing what she tried to tell me and wishing I had understood in that moment.
“Her trying to do this list, it’s like actively choosing to walk through fire,” I said.
Levi nodded. “Exactly.”
“I want to make it all better. I want to take her worries away. But she told me she’s just wired that way,” I said.
“Some people are.” Claire nodded with understanding.
“And honestly, people like you, Pace, are a marvel to people like us. I’m always speaking too much or not enough, and my anxiety about it makes me physically ill.
When I see people like you, it seems so easy.
Like the deck is stacked against us for no reason at all. ”
I could share that it wasn’t always so easy for me. But I knew that wasn’t what Claire meant, and now it wasn’t about me.
When I looked up, Levi was doing his freaky best-friend stare.
I thought of how I felt when I first found that list, that feeling of purpose.
I groaned and looked back to Claire and Levi.
“I told her that everybody feels stupid, and she just needed to try harder.” I pushed my plate away and dropped my head in my hands.
“God, I’ve been so condescending. So blah blah blah let me tell you how it’s done.
” I physically cringed looking back at what I said to her.
“What you said was probably true in some regards,” Claire said with a wince.
“And also, something she probably knows,” Levi finished. “But that doesn’t make it any easier.”
“I don’t know what to do,” I said.
“You had your heart in the right place. I’m sure she knows that too.
I just think you forget what a spectrum all our minds are.
It would be wonderful if just one or two things fixed her, but likely, if her anxiety is to the point where it sounds like it is, then she’s going to be dealing with this the rest of her life. It’s woven into her.”
I nodded. I knew this. I did all this research. That’s what was so frustrating.
“I don’t think I’m the right person for this.” I thought that I was. The collected sugar flew all over the table as I sighed. I had been so hopeful when I found that note, and now, knowing Sophie, I wanted to help her even more. I wanted to be around her all the time.
“I’m sure if that was true, she would have never gone with you to begin with.
I think that you did good. And have the potential to do better.
You might have to go at a slower pace. Ha!
” Claire shouted and slapped the table. A few people glanced at our group.
I did a double take to the booth in the opposite corner where the group of sporty grannies now sat.
At least, I thought it was them, their plastic menus shot up to hide their faces when I looked back.
“Slower pace,” Claire explained with emphasis.
A smile spread over Levi’s features, and he bent to kiss her temple. What a little nerd. These two were too much. It caused a pang that had me rubbing at my chest. Maybe a double bacon burger after my workout wasn’t the best idea.
“Sorry.” She flushed, biting her lip when they both remembered I existed.
“Do you want to help Sophie, or is there something else going on?” Levi asked.
It was on the tip of my tongue to tell them that I’d been feeling so empty lately. That this had been the first time I didn’t feel like I was playing a character of someone, but their brows had already been so creased with worry that I went with another truth.
“I feel protective of her, but I don’t want to make her feel infantilized.
She already mentioned a few times how this anxiety makes her feel like a helpless child.
But it’s not that. When I think about her and what she’s going through, I want to fix it for her and make it better, so she is happy all the time. ”
They shared another of those annoying coupley know-it-all looks.
“You can’t fix it,” Levi said. “You just can’t. But you might be able to provide peace, and to some people that’s worth everything.”
“Some peace?” I let the words settle in.
She might need someone to feel safe with. I don’t have to be so on. I just have to be there. Next time, I won’t be a distraction or pull the spotlight to me. I would be present with her.
I felt better to have a plan. I wasn’t ready to let Sophie give up on me. I had to help her.
“Ahem, excuse me.” An older woman’s voice had me looking up.
It was one of the stalking grannies.
I grinned wildly, knowing that my dimples were on full display.
“Aaand he’s back,” Claire muttered quietly as we all exchanged hellos.
“The Thursday night art group and I were wondering if you had plans this week? And if you might be interested in helping us?”
I looked from woman to woman, a group of about five ladies that I knew well from around town.
“I’m always happy to help.” And it was true. This was what I did. “What can I do you for, you lovely ladies?” I asked, turning to give them my full attention.
The group of women tittered. Claire scoffed, and I could feel Levi roll his eyes.
“We were hoping you’d say that.” The leader grinned, and I felt my first tinge of foreboding.
I really needed to get all the details before I said yes to things.