Chapter 17
Keely’s pulse fluttered and her hands shook as she walked across the police station parking lot. She had nothing to fear, no logical reason to be nervous, and yet for some reason, she could hardly breathe.
She didn’t like to think about the time she had spent with Adam, how completely she had lost herself.
To this day, she didn’t understand why she had been such easy prey. She had two parents who loved her. She’d always had a good life. So how had she fallen so fully into substance abuse and a toxic relationship?
She had turned away from her family, her studies, her life. Worse than that, she had forgotten herself. Her values and self-respect, everything that made her her. Anything for that next hit – not just of the drugs, but of Adam’s approval.
Her legs trembled as she walked up the concrete steps to the police station, and she clung to the smooth metal railing.
All of that, those lost months, she had tucked them away in a lead box deep in her soul. Always there, always heavy, but put away. She never took the memories out and examined them, and she had more or less gotten past the constant self-recrimination that had nearly driven her mad.
She never forgot that she was in recovery, but beyond that, she largely pretended that those dark months had never happened. A shaky coping mechanism, maybe, but it got her through.
She had a new life, a beautiful one.
And the last thing that she wanted to do was spend a single second talking about Adam.
But she would. She could. Maybe it would even give her some closure.
She would go into the police station, answer their questions, and walk out again. Back to her life. Back to books and baking, to Nick and Chloe and Travis. In spite of all her mistakes, she had built a solid foundation for herself here.
She could do this.
Still, her palm was sweaty as she pushed open the heavy front door of the local police station. The room beyond was small and unintimidating, a ramshackle collection of desks and computers. People sat chatting, leaned back and at ease, drinking coffee.
Her pulse slowed, just a little.
This wasn’t some TV drama with a bright light in her eyes and her wrists cuffed to a metal table. It was just a small police station. Just a few questions.
Why did she always make things harder than they needed to be?
She cleared her throat and approached the first desk, where an older woman sat typing.
“Excuse me,” she said as the woman looked up, “I’m looking for Detective Riegler.”
“You have an appointment?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“You must be Keely Thompson,” said a male voice from behind her. She turned and found herself face to face with a middle-aged man. He had a reddish beard and bright blue eyes; her first thought was that when the beard turned white, he would make a perfect Santa Claus.
“That’s me.” She cleared her throat again and wiped her hand on her jeans before holding it out.
“Thanks for coming in,” Riegler said as he shook her hand. “Have a seat here, if you’d like. Can I get you a cup of coffee? Or herbal tea?”
“Tea would be lovely.” Keely sank into the chair he had pulled out for her. “Thank you.”
Her legs bounced nervously as she watched the detective walk to the break room. All around her, people continued with their work without giving her any notice at all. Riegler took a mug down from a cupboard, placed a tea bag inside, and filled the mug with hot water.
Keely realized that she was staring. She looked down at her knees and traced a worn patch in the fabric, not quite a hole yet but getting there. The jeans were losing their blue.
“Here you go.” Detective Riegler set her tea down and then took a seat on the other side of the desk.
“Thank you.” She picked up the mug and let it warm her hands. Her anxiety eased another incremental bit, and she forced herself to take a slow breath. She couldn’t get a breath all the way in, all the way to the bottom of her lungs, but she was still breathing. That was something.
“Okay,” the detective said as he clicked open a pen. “Would you please tell me how long you knew Adam Walsh?”
“Less than a year.” She was holding the mug so tightly that a cup of lesser material might have cracked. “I mean, it was more than a year ago that I met him. But we were together less than a year.”
“And when was the last time that you saw Mr. Walsh?”
“About seven months ago.”
He jotted a note down on the yellow legal pad in front of him. “And can you describe your history together?”
She closed her eyes and sucked in a breath. “I met him at a college party. Just a little community college in the mountains. We’d already been on a couple of dates by the time I realized that he didn’t go to school there. But he was always hanging around.”
“And how did Mr. Walsh spend his time when he wasn’t at college parties?”
Another shaky breath. She looked down into her tea, watching the steam rise up from the surface of the water. “He sold drugs.”
“I see.”
“I didn’t know. When we got together, I mean.”
“Keely, you’re not in any trouble.” Detective Riegler’s voice was gentle. “We’re just trying to get to the bottom of what happened to Walsh. Can you tell me what he sold?”
“Everything. He could get his hands on anything. At first I thought he just sold weed, Ritalin, some party drugs. But then he…” The memory of her first hit bowled into her, more vivid than the reality of the room around her. “He sold harder stuff too.”
“I see. And was this all in Pelican Point?”
“No, though I’m sure he was doing a lot of the same while he was here,” she said. “I just moved here a few weeks ago. Adam lived in Miramar when I knew him.”
“Oops, that makes sense,” he replied, scribbling something out. “What brought you to Pelican Point, by the way?”
“My brother moved here after leaving the military, and I ended up falling in love with the town when I came to visit.”
The detective nodded. “It’s a beautiful place. When did you first come to visit?”
“Sometime in late autumn,” she said.
“Ah, the best time to come. Shortly after your brother moved here, I assume?”
She nodded. “Yes.”
“Okay, let’s talk more about the drugs. Do you know of any connections he might’ve had, especially ones near here?”
She sucked in a deep breath, her hands beginning to tremble slightly as she sifted through the memories she’d been trying so hard to leave behind. “I don’t know who he got the drugs from. People would come and go, or he would go meet them, but I never kept track. I was… I wasn’t myself. And he stole. Adam did. Not because he needed to. Just because he wanted to.”
He had convinced her to steal too, to take money from her parents. It wasn’t, she had realized later, because they had actually needed the money. It had been a deliberate ploy, a way of driving a wedge between Keely and her family. A way of making her hate herself, to feel like she had no choice but to stay with him.
Thank God her family hadn’t given up on her, even then.
“And do you know anyone who might have wanted to hurt him?”
Nick’s face came to her mind, the steel in his eyes when he saw what a mess she had become. She had feared more than once that he would go after Adam himself. She remembered the conversation that she’d had with her brother just after Adam’s death made the local news.
“I’m only going to ask you once,” she had said, “and I’ll never ask again. Did you have anything to do with his death?”
He had said no. And she had let the matter drop. But deep down, she had known that there was something he hadn’t told her. Nick and Adam being in the same little town at the same time, just after Keely made it through rehab, had always felt like too much of a coincidence to her.
Still, she believed her brother. He hadn’t killed anyone. Military bearing aside, the man was a softy. He was a pilot, not a killer.
Detective Riegler was still waiting for an answer.
“Lots of people, probably. He wasn’t a good man, Detective. I know I probably shouldn’t say that, but he caused a lot of pain.”
“Good or bad, it’s my job to find out what happened to him. If I can. Can you think of anyone in particular who had a grudge to settle with Adam Walsh?”
“No one in particular, no.”
Detective Riegler clicked his pen shut and sat back in his chair. “If I show you some photos, would you tell me which of the people – if any – you saw Adam in contact with?”
“Sure, I can do that.”
She sipped her chamomile tea as they went through a stack of photos. Some faces were familiar and others not. She told the detective what she could, and then they were done.
“Thank you for coming in today,” he said. “I appreciate your time.”
She nodded, feeling worn out. “Sure.”
“I have work to do, but you’re welcome to stay right here and finish your tea.”
“No, that’s all right.” She set the mug down, still half full, and stood.
Then she sat back down.
“Detective Riegler?”
“Yes?”
“Is this a murder investigation?”
“I’m afraid I can’t disclose that at this time.”
“Right. Okay.”
“You’re not a suspect,” he said gently.
“No. I know. Thank you.” She stood again. “Good luck with your investigation, Detective.”
“Thank you, Miss Thompson.”
She turned and left, walking woodenly out through the glass doors and into the rare winter sunshine. Her legs shook as she made her way carefully down the stairs and across the parking lot. Her hand trembled as she unlocked her car and opened the door.
Once she was safely in the driver”s seat with the door closed against the wind and the world, she broke down and cried.
For a long time, she sat there sobbing.
Finally, when the sobs had subsided enough for her to catch her breath, she texted her sponsor.
SOS.
Three little dots appeared almost immediately, followed by a message: I’m here.
Keely started to cry again, a wave of relief mixed with shame.
Where are you? read the second text. Are you okay to drive?
Maybe. I think so. I can’t stop crying, she texted back with shaking hands.
Okay. I’m here. It’s okay. Don’t drive until it’s safe to. This will pass.
Michelle’s kind words just made her cry harder. She pressed her forehead to the top of the steering wheel and sobbed. When she’d finally cried herself out, she called Michelle.
“I’m here,” she answered.
“I’m sorry,” Keely said. Her voice was still shaky.
“Don’t be sorry. Where are you?”
“In my car. In a parking lot. At the police station.”
“You had the interview with the detective today,” Michelle remembered. “Did you already go in?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. And how did it go?”
“Fine. It went fine.”
“But talking about Adam was hard?”
“Yeah.” She took a gasping breath, and more tears fell down her cheeks. “I don’t even know why I’m crying.”
“It hasn’t been long at all, Keely. I know that you’ve made a good life for yourself there, and that’s beautiful. But everything that you went through… Sweetheart, you were right in the middle of that this time last year. You’ve been through so much. That stuff doesn’t just disappear the moment you’re past it.”
“But it’s over,” she said through her tears.
“It’s over,” Michelle agreed. “You’re through it. But it will keep coming up. You’ll keep remembering.”
“I don’t want to remember.”
“But you will. You just have to keep forgiving yourself.”
“I don’t know how.”
“Just keep trying, sweetheart. Do you need me to come meet you?”
“No.” Keely was deeply touched by Michelle’s offer to drop everything and come find her. Her sponsor had a full and busy life herself; it was enough to give her the time and attention that it took to sit through this phone call, never mind driving all the way out here.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.” Keely held the phone away as she blew her nose. “I’ll be okay.”
“Where do you go from here?”
“Back home.”
“I don’t think you should be alone right now,” Michelle said gently. “Is there a friend in town you can call?”
She thought immediately of Chloe’s smile, of the warmth of her kitchen. “Yeah.”
“Good.”
“But I have work to do. I have recipes to test out.”
“For that party you’re catering?”
“Yeah.”
“It’s okay to give yourself a day. Or if baking will help you feel better, maybe just do that with your friend. I’m sure she’ll be happy to help you eat all the test batches.”
“Yeah,” Keely said with a laugh. “Okay.”
“What else do you have going this week?”
“I have a second date tomorrow.”
“With your brother’s friend?”
“Yeah, with Travis.”
“Where are you going?”
“We’re going to a state park just north of Pelican Point. We’re going to hike up the coast and see some elephant seals.”
“Sounds amazing.”
“Yeah.”
“You’re doing great, kiddo. One day at a time, okay?”
“Okay.”
“I’ll see you at the next meeting.”
“Okay.”
“Bring me some of those test batches!”
Keely laughed again. “Okay.”
“Do you feel okay to drive now?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m safe to drive.”
“Good. I prescribe time with friends or with your brother. Baking if it feels like fun. If it feels stressful, or like work, then just give it a day. I give you complete permission to veg. Curl up with a carton of gelato and watch some TV with a friend, okay?”
“Sounds good.”
“Okay. I’m sitting outside my kids’ school, so I’m going to go. If you’re sure you’re okay.”
“I’m okay.” She took a breath, all the way down to the bottom of her lungs. “Michelle?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you. For everything.”
“Anytime, kiddo. I’m here.”
Keely hung up. She put the lid back on the box, storing it away for another time.
Life was good. She had a date tomorrow and a party to cater this weekend. She had books and friends and family. Community.
No more looking backward.
It was time to move forward.