Chapter 13
Chapter Thirteen
Nerves had her stomach in knots the moment she woke, and she mentally willed herself not to clench her fists so her nails dug into her palm, like she had done on so many occasions in the past. She’d slept surprisingly well, considering all that had happened the day before, both the mysterious box and her session with Donelle.
Admitting out loud what she was doing, how she needed a sting of pain to ground her, had been difficult, but it had needed to be said.
Donelle had been understanding, and the first thing she’d suggested had been for Steff to cut her nails, so they were short.
She also said she knew that would be tough for Steff, and to do it at her own pace.
Steff knew herself though, and if she hadn’t cut them the moment she arrived home, she never would.
It had been one of the hardest things to do, because of what they represented.
But putting it off wouldn’t help her. Her fingers may look ugly with their short and stubby nails, but it was as though she’d shed a layer now the sharp points were gone.
It would be a fight when they got longer not to shape them the way she had in the past, but it was a battle she was determined to win. She was reclaiming her life, starting today.
She tossed the covers back and grabbed her robe, shrugging it on. She wandered into the kitchen and stopped. Dalton was bare chested and leaned against the counter, his attention on his phone.
Steff took a moment to drink him in. His shoulders were broad, and she doubted she could fit one hand around his bicep.
He looked intimidating, which should’ve scared her considering the unleashed power he carried.
Instead, she had to control herself so she didn’t walk over to where he stood and rest her head against chest, soaking up his strength.
“Steff? Shit. Sorry. I’ll be right back.”
He'd rushed past her before she could ask him what was wrong. She was pouring a glass of juice when he returned, wearing a black T-shirt. She mourned the loss of the expanse of lightly tanned skin, but understood why he did it. He hadn’t wanted her to feel afraid.
“You doing okay?” Dalton asked.
She could lie and say she was fine, but she’d made that promise to herself and to him, that she wouldn’t lie. “I’m nervous. Scared. Worried. Anything that’s the opposite of calm and content. That’s me.”
He chuckled. “Okay, you’re in rough waters.
I’ve been there a few times. The best way to deal with that is to go with the flow.
Fighting it can tire you out. Eventually it will calm, and you can forge through it.
” He reached out, gave her hand a quick squeeze before he picked up a glass of water that was on the counter. “It won’t be rough for long.”
Somehow, she believed him. Or more to the point, she believed that she could weather it because he was beside her.
“I know. Thank you again for staying last night. I know the couch couldn’t have been comfortable as it’s too short for you.” She had offered him her guest room, but he said he’d sleep on the couch. She hadn’t asked why, she’d given him blankets and then headed to her own room.
“It wasn’t bad. I put the cushions on the ground. I’ve also slept in worse places.”
“What’s the worse place you’ve slept in? That is, if you can tell me. It’s okay if you can’t.” Steff liked that they were having a mundane morning conversation.
“No, I can tell you. It was a cave in the mountains of Iraq. It was freaking freezing. My team and I had to huddle together to keep warm. It was too dangerous to start a fire. We couldn’t give away our position to the rebels we were observing.
It was almost as bad as Hell Week when we were in the ocean for over twenty-four hours.
At least in Iraq, we weren’t in wet clothes and could use each other’s body heat to combat the cold a bit, which we couldn’t do in the ocean. ”
Steff shuddered at the thought of being that cold. There was a reason she lived in California where the weather rarely got to freezing point. “None of those things sound enticing.”
Dalton laughed and finished off his water. “They weren’t the best, but it was all part of the job.”
“Do you miss it? How long were you in the Navy?” It seemed that he’d endured a lot to reach the pinnacle, and now he was out. Had it been his decision, or had he been forced to make it?
“The best part of being a SEAL–apart from serving my country and keeping it safe–was the friendships I made. Fox, Hound, and Deal are my brothers. We saw a lot and endured a lot together. We all decided to get out together. Fortunately, the opportunity for us to join Alliez Security came up not long after we got out, and we all jumped at the chance of still being able to work together.” Dalton rinsed his glass and grabbed the tea towel to dry it.
“As for how long I was in the Navy for, I did ten years. I thought I’d be a lifer, but I don’t regret getting out when I did. ”
“Is there anything you miss about being a SEAL?” It took a special type of person to withstand the rigors of the process to become a SEAL, walking away from all of that had to take a depth of strength as well.
“No, not really. Working with the FBI and doing those missions fulfils the part of me that wants to serve and keep people safe. We don’t have to fly off at a moment’s notice, unlike with being a SEAL. And I’m not away for an indeterminate amount of time. We always know how long we’ll be gone now.”
Steff didn’t know much about Dalton’s personal life. Whether he’d been married before, and if it had broken down because of the stress of his job. Or if he’d had any serious relationships.
Could she ask him?
Were they at that place in their own relationship, if what they had could be called, a relationship? They’d had dinner together twice. She didn’t count the party at Teresa’s place, because it had been a group event, not the two of them.
“What’s on your mind, Steff? You can ask me anything. If I can’t answer it, I’ll let you know.”
While she’d been lost in her thoughts, Dalton had closed the small gap between them and was now in front of her.
“I don’t know if what I’m about to ask is too intrusive, and if not it’s fine, but.
” She took a deep breath. Asking about someone’s past wasn’t that big of mountain to climb, it was what most people did when they were getting to know someone.
“Have you been married before? I haven’t, just to be open with you. ”
Dalton chuckled softly. “It’s fine to ask, and no I haven’t been married.
I’ve had brief relationships, but nothing serious.
I knew my job wasn’t always conducive to lasting and meaningful relationships.
It worked for others, for sure. I know some guys in San Diego who are still in the Navy and are happily married.
Some of the women who hang around SEALs aren’t really looking for a lasting relationship, either.
They’re looking for a good time, and plenty of my former buddies took them up on it. ”
“Not you?” Why was she asking this? He’d already said he had short liaisons with women.
“In the beginning it’s kind of flattering to be the center of attention, but after six months, it got a bit tiring to be seen only for my job and not for who I am. I was also fully committed to my job, so I didn’t really have the time for anything serious.”
“And now?” Where this bravado was coming from, Steff had no idea, especially as a few days ago, she was jumping at her own shadow.
Dalton shuffled a little closer and rested a hand on her waist. The warmth from his touch seared through the thin silky fabric of her robe. “Now, I’m very happy where I am, and who I’m with, and I very much want to explore where it’s headed.”
He may have said it to her before, but this time he spoke with much more feeling, and a surprising sliver of desire pooled low in her belly.
“I want that too,” she whispered.
In the deepest, darkest moments of her most recent past, she never thought she’d ever feel comfortable having a man touch her. Or touching a man herself. With Dalton, though, everything seemed easier, as if it was meant to be.
Their gazes connected, and beneath her fingertips, the steady rhythm of his heart beating was reassuring.
Nerves flared to life when the reality of what she wanted hit her—she wanted to kiss him. Wanted to feel his mouth on hers.
What was it about this man that had all her fears subsiding?
“Steff.” He breathed her name as if it was a mantra.
“Jag.” His nickname slipped off her tongue, and his eyes widened in surprise.
“I want to kiss you, but I know it’s not easy for you.”
Again, he was showing his consideration for her past. How many other men would’ve been as understanding as Dalton was being?
How many would take the time with her like he was doing?
She suspected that all the men at Alliez would be as patient with her as Dalton.
It came from what they’d done in the past, and what they were still doing.
They’d seen the cruel side of the world.
But none of them were the man in front of her.
There was something in his soul that called to her wounded parts and calmed them.
With anyone else, she believed she wouldn’t be as comfortable as she was with Dalton, regardless of whether they understood her predicament or not.
“I want that too, and with you, it is easy.”
Dalton pulled her tighter to him, not doing anything but allowing her to feel comfortable with their bodies touching.
A brief flash of fear had her tensing, but it passed as quickly as it came because of whose arms she was in.
“Are you sure?” He ran the back of his fingers down her cheek.
“Very.” And she was.
She caught a glimpse of his smile before his lips lightly touched hers once. Then again, before settling fully over hers.
The kiss was gentle. An exploration of two people getting to know each other. Dalton wasn’t tentative, but he didn’t devour her either. Her body relaxed against his, her hands still pressed against his chest beneath them.
She never felt more cherished than she did in that moment. Steff was infinitely glad her first kiss after her ordeal was with this man.
He pulled away and rested his forehead against hers. “You good?”
“Yes.”
She wrapped her arms around him, her eyes closing as contentment filled her.
The kiss was another first step on her journey to reclaiming her life back. She almost believed she could return to who she’d once been. Not the same, but hopefully a better version.