19. Laurie
Laurie
Nearly a week went by without a single word exchanged between Laurie and Kekoa.
She kept waiting for the opportunity to speak with him, but it never came. He seemed to be avoiding his mother’s house. She saw him a few times around town, but he hardly looked her way.
He had meant it when he told her that things would be all or nothing with him. He had warned her. She just hadn’t fully realized what that meant.
She hadn’t realized that “all in” included the children.
But of course it did. She understood where he was coming from.
Their families were already as close as it was possible to be.
She practically lived with his parents, for goodness sake, and in the little cedar cabin that he had built with his own two hands.
Their kids were good friends. And limiting their romantic relationship to the occasional hike while the kids were at school meant that they would only have a few hours together each week when she managed to get away from work.
He wanted more than that.
And – if she was being honest with herself – so did she.
She had typed and deleted a dozen different messages.
This couldn’t be mended with words on a screen. She needed to see him.
She found him in his shop, just as she had hoped that she would.
He was putting the finishing touches on a beautiful pair of rocking chairs, and it took him a moment to notice her.
She stood watching him, marveling at the contrast between his muscular arms and the delicate lines of the chair.
He looked built for construction work, right enough – but toting logs and raising barns.
Instead, he had dedicated himself to the delicate work of carving.
She loved this man. All of his surprising contrasts. Everything that he was, and everything he stood for. She was in awe of him.
She just hoped that she hadn’t broken it beyond repair, whatever this was between them. That force between them felt strong enough to change the course of her whole life… and yet fragile enough to snap if she said the wrong thing.
She wasn’t afraid of him. After everything that she had been through, that was a marvelous thing to realize. She wasn’t afraid that he would snap. She trusted him with her life. But she was afraid of losing him.
She had been standing there for a couple of minutes when he finally set his tools aside and turned to face her. There was no surprise in his expression; he had known that she was there the whole time.
“It’s been a while,” she said.
He stood stoic and unmoving.
“I’m sorry I haven’t reached out. I started to, so many times, but… I needed to speak with you in person.” She trailed off, unsure of how to continue.
“Are we done, then?” he asked, his voice rough.
She stared at him, uncomprehending. “What?”
“You don’t want to be with me.”
“Of course I do!”
“You do?” The blank mask slipped, and she saw the hurt in his eyes. He started to reach for her – but then he pulled back and folded his arms across his chest.
“Why do you think I’m here?” she asked.
“To break up with me?”
“No! Kekoa, I love you.”
His closed expression fell away, and he looked at her with raw vulnerability.
“It was never about you and me,” she said. “I would love to spend more time with you. I just wasn’t ready to make it a family affair, I guess. I didn’t think we’d be involving the kids so soon.”
“They see each other every day.”
“It’s not the same! Letting someone into Mia’s life – or being a mother figure to ‘Iolani… that’s something that I take very seriously.”
“You think I don’t?” Kekoa’s thick black eyebrows huddled together above his dark eyes. “You think I would let just anyone around my son?”
“No,” she acknowledged quietly.
“Laurie, I’ve never brought a woman around ‘Io. Never. Not once.”
“But you want me around?”
“You’re already around!” He threw his arms wide. “You live in my parents’ back yard!”
“You know what I mean.”
“I don’t think I do.”
“I’m around like any auntie is around. I’m not in his house, taking away from his time with his dad.”
“You wouldn’t be taking away from anything. You would bring so much light into his life. You already have, you and Mia both. We’re more together, Laurie. Not less.”
Tears stung Laurie’s eyes. She pressed her lips together, trying to contain the emotion that tore through her chest.
“I’m sure about you, Laurie.” There was so much love and vulnerability in his eyes that it nearly broke her. “Are you sure about me?”
“It’s not about that. I keep trying to tell you.”
“It feels like it is.”
“It’s not my fault you take everything so personal.”
“Laurie, what could possibly be more personal than this? I want a life with you. I’m not trying to rush you to the altar or get you to move in with me, but I do need more time with you. I need you to be a part of my son’s life, because he’s the center of my life.”
She put her hands over her face and took a breath. She could feel his good intentions, and she loved him for it, but she also felt frustrated that she couldn’t make him understand where she was coming from.
They were going around in circles.
“Can we sit down?” she asked, dropping her hands.
“Sure,” he said with a sigh. “Do you want something to drink?”
“Yes please.”
They walked from the shop to his house, and Laurie was acutely aware of the fact that she had never been inside.
Kekoa was right; she was keeping her distance. And he kept his distance from her now, walking with enough space between them that their arms wouldn’t accidentally touch.
He went inside, and Laurie paused on the front steps. After a moment, she settled onto the handcrafted bench swing that hung on the lanai.
Kekoa came back out and handed her a deep red glass of hibiscus tea.
He studied the empty space on the bench for a moment, then grabbed a chair instead. He pulled it over and sat directly across from her, leaning forward with his arms braced against his knees.
“Dawn and Kimo weren’t my first foster parents,” she began.
Her eyes still burned with unshed tears, and she was afraid that she wouldn’t be able to meet his gaze without breaking down. She held her iced tea in both hands, staring down into the glass.
“I was with another family before them, the first time that the state took me away from my mother. There were no other kids. Just the married couple. The Bogens. They were kind.”
Laurie’s voice broke. She paused to take a sip of her tea, sweet and tart and cold. She rarely thought of the Bogens anymore, but it was still hard to talk about them. She wasn’t sure she ever had, not really.
Kekoa sat perfectly still, giving her his full attention.
“I was there for a whole year,” she continued.
“I was young, but I still remember. It was scary at first – but before long, it felt like home. It was so peaceful there. Nothing like the places that I had lived with my mother. I still saw her. Every week, I think. Supervised visits. She was still trying to get me back. So I knew that these people weren’t my real parents…
but I still thought that they were my family.
I didn’t want to go back to my birth mother.
I felt safe with them. I called them Mom and Dad.
“Eventually, they had a baby of their own. I remember being so excited. I thought I would have a baby sister. I still remember meeting her. She was so tiny. So precious.
“Then one day, a stranger came to pick me up. She was my social worker, but I don’t think she was the same one who had placed me there. I can’t remember. By then, it felt like I had been there forever. I could hardly remember my life before.”
Her voice stalled out, and she didn’t know what else to say.
Gently, Kekoa took the tea from her hands. He set it down, then took her hands in both his own. They were so warm and dry after the cold glass.
“And then you went to the Kalamas?” he asked.
“No. I went someplace else. Respite care, I guess. And then back with my mom for a while. And then someplace else when she relapsed. It’s a blur. I was still so little.”
“I’m sorry, Laurie.”
“They were just practicing on me.” She met his eyes as tears spilled from hers. “The Bogens. Then they had a baby of their own, and they tossed me out like a dog.”
He squeezed her fingers.
“I know it’s not the same.” She squeezed her eyes shut, and more tears fell. “I know that. I just, I don’t want people coming and going from Mia’s life. Or ‘Io’s for that matter. He already lost one mother.”
Kekoa put one hand on her face, fingertips barely grazing the side of her jaw, and waited for her to open her eyes. When she did, he pulled a clean handkerchief from his pocket, and she used it to blow her nose.
“I’m sorry that happened to you,” he said. “But that’s not me. I’m not going anywhere.”
“What–” Laurie started, and then took a sharp breath in. She could hardly get the words out. “What if you get tired of me?”
Kekoa looked stunned for a moment. Then a smile crept over his face, and he looked at her like she had just said something completely ridiculous.
“You think that I’m going to get tired of you?” he asked incredulously.
Laurie leaned back and wiped her eyes.
“Why would you think that?”
She took a deep breath and waited a moment to gather her thoughts before speaking.
“Kekoa, men always put me on a pedestal. They’re attracted to me because of the way that I look.
Everything they don’t know, they just fill in the blanks.
Then the real person is more complicated than anything they could imagine.
I don’t fit the picture they had in their head, and they lose interest. Or worse. ”
“You must not think very much of me, if you expect me to lose interest so easily.”
“I think the world of you,” she told him, her voice breaking.
He took her hands again, and another sob escaped her chest as her deepest fears came to the surface.
“I’m damaged, Kekoa. I’m broken.”
“You’re not broken. You’re human. You think I would want anything less than the full, glorious mess of you?”
“You think I’m a mess?” Laurie asked. She was laughing and crying at the same time.
“No more so than any other human being.” He put his hand on her face again, firmer this time. “Laurie, you’re the strongest person I know.”
“I’m not strong.” Tears rolled down her face. “I’m just good at pretending.”
“That’s what strength is. Showing up and standing strong even when you’re scared.”
“If that’s what strength is, then I’m tired of being strong.”
“You don’t have to be strong with me.” At some point in their conversation, he had slipped out of his chair and onto the wooden floor of the lanai. He knelt in front of her, holding both of her hands in his, and now he bent his head to kiss the backs of her knuckles.
“When I’m with you, I don’t feel so afraid.”
“I do,” he said, but he was smiling. “I’m terrified.”
She pulled one hand away and put it on the side of his face. Laurie had long fingers, but even so, her hand barely reached the length of his jaw.
“You don’t have to be,” she said. “I’m not going anywhere.”
He put a hand over hers, then turned his face and kissed her palm.
“Get up off the floor,” she said after a moment. “Please.”
He rose up and sat beside her on the porch swing, one strong arm around her shoulders. She fit perfectly into the nook that he made.
She nestled her face into his neck, jaw resting just above his collarbone, and breathed in the warm smell of wood shavings and orange oil.
They sat there for a long time, rocking gently on the porch swing, with no need for words.