31. Chapter 31
July 7, 2011
4:23 pm
Once back at Genevieve’s, Sara and Gavin sat outside on the porch swing, listening to the rain beat against the pavement and grass. It was a sound she hadn’t realized she missed until now. Years ago, before prison, before her mother’s death, and even before the drugs, watching thunderstorms through her balcony windows was something she loved to do.
The sounds of nature's fury somehow brought her peace when she was a little girl. Even then, she understood the darkness and the force and power that accompanied the loud crackling and bright shots of light.
Hailey would always hide under her covers, but not Sara. Sara would stare at it with amazement and envy.
Now, she focused on its sounds, searching with her own fury for the peace rain once brought. Closing her eyes, she gave herself permission to relax and live in the moment. Gavin held her hand, rubbing his thumb on hers as she melted into him, laying her head on his shoulder. As she did, she realized it was the most peaceful thing she’d done since before the drugs. And that had been a lifetime ago.
How pathetic was that? Her life was so destructive that she hadn’t had a moment of peace in nearly seventeen years. That was more than half her lifetime.
When she got out of prison, she thought revenge was what her heart craved, to make everyone feel the pain she felt. She wanted to tear them down, piece by piece, like they’d done to her.
But it was in this moment that she realized it wasn't revenge her heart craved. It was peace. And peace was so foreign to her that she set out for blood instead of contentment.
Maybe it was time to lay her revenge to rest.
Gavin pulled her from her thoughts, “Do you want to talk about what happened with Chase today? It looked pretty heated.”
She knew he was both curious and slightly worried. Maybe even jealous? She appreciated that he gave her space to choose what she shared.
Sara shrugged. “He wanted to rekindle things.”
Gavin tensed but kept his tone kind. “How do you feel about that?”
She lifted her head, looked at him, and smiled. “I told him no. Number one, he’s married. Number two…well, I like you.”
Gavin lifted a brow and smiled. “Wow, so you admit it?”
She giggled. “I thought laying my head on your shoulder made it obvious.”
“Eh, my grandma does that.”
Sara rolled her eyes. “Don’t compare me to your grandma.”
She studied his face, her eyes darting to his lips. He didn’t make a move, but she couldn’t help but notice his pulse throbbing. She brought herself close to him, her nose nearly touching his. She wanted to kiss him but was scared.
Did she even remember how to kiss? Could she trust him? Would he shatter her heart the way Chase had?
Remembering who she once was, that wild teenager who was unafraid of heartbreak or mistakes, she kissed him gently and he kissed her back. He let her take the lead and she wrapped her arms around his neck, getting lost in him.
He pulled her onto his lap, and she giggled. “Is that better?”
Gavin sat back and grinned, feeling like he’d won the lottery. “For now.”
Sara laughed and smacked his shoulder playfully. She put her head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat.
They had known each other for years, their families long-time friends. But neither had said more than two words to one another, their lives too different to close the gap. Gavin had been motivated, driven, and smart. Sara had been lost, broken, and selfish. But now she felt like he understood her more than anyone.
She desperately wanted to open herself up to him, despite the fear that threatened her heart. “You know, I was fifteen when I started doing drugs and drinking. It was weed at first, then it turned into harder stuff. Eventually, my whole world was crumbling. You already know my history with Thomas and how he was an ass to me, but I thought I deserved it.” She shrugged. “Then came Chase.”
She paused and Gavin didn’t interrupt. She was sharing an intimate part of herself, and he respected her choice to share it with him.
Sara smiled sadly. “He loved me in a way no one else had.”
“He sounds like he was a good guy. Why didn’t it work out? Because you were arrested?”
“Turns out good guys only like bad girls until they’re accused of murder,” she teased.
Gavin smiled, but there was sadness in his eyes.
“No, we actually broke up a week or so before my mother died. He wanted me to settle down and be a stay-at-home-mom with lots of kids. You know, picture perfect family”.
“But you didn’t want that?”
“Not at all. I always dreamed of being a model and moving to a big city. Plus, being a stay-at-home-mom and wife sounded like a death sentence.”
“So why did you stay with him?” Gavin asked softly.
Sara stood and walked to the railing of the porch, looking over the yard. Genevieve lived in a quaint little neighborhood tucked back behind acres of orange groves. It was the perfect place to have a family. Ironically, Chase would have loved it.
She took a deep breath and said, “He was safe and kind. He supported everything I wanted, even if it wasn’t good for me. He’d never say it, but he hated that I wanted to be a model.”
She shrugged. “He loved me in his own way, but he didn’t love me enough to put his foot down when I needed it. He never told me no, never put up a fight- even when my body was killing itself. He would actually go score drugs for me when I was coming off a really bad high, despite wanting to get clean.”
She hadn’t realized Gavin was standing behind her until he grasped the railing, his arms surrounding her as he locked her in place. She didn’t flinch or move away, though. Instead, she stuck her hand over the railing, feeling the rain as each drop fell over her fingers.
It’s funny how rain could be taken for granted. She savored this moment in a way not many could appreciate or understand.
Tears stung her eyes, and she let them fall, mourning with the sky.
“My own father hated me, and I made his life hell. My mother loved me, but I had pretty well worn her down, so she kept her distance. She watched her child all but disintegrate, and there was nothing she could do. I think she thought my inevitable overdose would hurt less if she distanced herself from me. And Hailey…well, Hailey loved me enough to clean up my messes and bail me out of trouble, but even she had her own walls.”
“But Chase wasn’t like that,” Gavin said. It wasn’t a question but a statement.
“He was so supportive and caring that I felt like I was suffocating. He was always there, always understanding, never harsh toward me, never fought with me. It was all sunshine and rainbows. And while it was safe, it was too safe. He loved me despite how broken I was. And that was the problem: he thought I was something broken that he could fix. But I didn't think I needed fixing.”
“So, what happened?”
“My agent reached out and offered me a contract I couldn’t pass up. I had a meeting with him, and I realized he expected me to sleep with him and I couldn’t lose out on the offer.”
She allowed her voice to trail off. She was embarrassed at what she’d done, selling her body. It was degrading and shameful, but back then she didn’t care. All she had wanted was to get away from this town and for people to notice her and know her name.
Gavin’s jaw clenched and he gently took her hand in his.
She shrugged. “I think a part of me was self-sabotaging my relationship. I told Chase what happened, and he didn’t even care that I slept with my agent. He cared more about the fact that I didn’t want him to come with me to New York anymore.”
Gavin wrapped his arms around her as she continued, “He just kept saying we would work through it, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I said I’d be willing to come back and visit or he could visit me, but I wanted to do it on my own first.”
“What did he say to that?”
Sara chuckled. “He stormed off. He was heartbroken but I felt so...free. I thought I would feel sad, but I was relieved.”
“I’m assuming he didn't visit you once you were in prison?” Gavin asked.
Sara shook her head. “Apparently, ‘murderer’ isn’t a reputation that impresses a potential mother-in-law.”
Gavin chuckled, knowing her dark humor was her defense mechanism. She cracked jokes, but they both knew she was still healing from the destruction of her past. And yet, he gave her the space to process her thoughts and traumas the way she wanted to. She loved that about him.
“Do I make you feel like that? Suffocated?” Gavin asked.
Sara turned around and looked up at him. Then she gently cupped his face, her fingers feeling the stubble of his beard. “You make me feel safe and loved and cared for. You don’t act like you know what's best for me, even if you disagree with my choices. You let me have my freedom. And that means more to be than you’ll ever know.”
He smiled at her and she kissed him again.
“Good,” he said. “Because you deserve to be free.”
Gavin gathered her up in his arms and held her until darkness fell.