Chapter 18 #2
“I don’t know what happens when my leave is over,” she said. “I don’t know what happens with the cottage or my job or any of it. I’m trying very hard not to decide just because everything here feels different.”
“Different good?”
Emma smiled. “Mostly.”
“I’ll take mostly.”
She looked at him.
Emma wondered when Jake had become part of the question.
Somewhere along the way, he had stopped being the tenant living in Gloria’s cottage.
He wasn’t simply the man who protected her grandmother’s lilies or repaired the porch swing because he couldn’t bring himself to throw it away.
Emma had begun looking for him when she came through the gate.
She thought of things she wanted to tell him when he wasn’t there, and when something frightened or upset her, being near him had started to feel like the place she wanted to go.
She knew enough about herself to understand how dangerous that could be.
Emma had spent years building a life that required very little from anyone else.
She worked, she came home and she took care of whatever needed taking care of.
Even the relationships she’d had in Chicago had somehow been fitted around the edges of everything else.
Her feelings for Jake didn’t fit her usual pattern.
That frightened her, even as it made her want to stay on his porch.
She wondered if her feelings for Jake were tangled up with everything else that had happened since she came to Key West. Gloria’s death, the cottage, her grief and the possibility of a different life had changed her in ways she was only beginning to understand.
It would have been easier to blame what was happening with Jake on all of that, but Emma knew better now.
If the cottage disappeared tomorrow or Arthur gave up the legal fight, she would still want to see him.
If she got on a plane for Chicago, she knew whose face she would be thinking about when it took off.
Whatever else had brought them together, her feelings for Jake had become something separate from all of it. She wanted Jake because he was Jake.
“And there’s you,” she said.
Jake went still.
Emma’s heart began beating harder, but she didn’t look away.
“I’m trying to be sensible about that too.”
“How’s that going?”
“Not especially well.”
His smile was small, but Emma saw something change in his face.
The swing had slowed until neither of them was moving it anymore. Jake’s knee touched hers.
This time Emma knew he felt it too, and neither of them moved away.
She thought about Nora. Not because she believed Jake was doing anything wrong, but because Nora had been part of their evening the night before.
Emma had listened to him talk about the woman he had planned to marry and understood that loving someone who was gone didn’t mean there was no room left to care about someone who was still here.
Maybe Jake was beginning to understand that too.
He lifted one hand and touched her cheek.
She had enough time to stop him, but she didn’t, and when Jake leaned toward her and kissed her, she moved toward him instead.
The first touch of his mouth was gentle and careful, as though he was still asking a question.
Emma answered by moving closer.
His hand stayed against her cheek, and she put one hand against his chest. She could feel his heart beneath her palm, beating faster than she expected. For some reason, that settled her. Jake was nervous too.
The kiss deepened, and for a few seconds Emma stopped thinking altogether.
She’d forgotten what it felt like to want something without immediately wondering whether it was practical. There was no plan for this and no next step she needed to anticipate. She wasn’t thinking about Chicago or Arthur or the hearing.
She was kissing Jake on her grandmother’s porch, and she wanted to keep kissing him.
When they finally pulled apart, Emma stayed close enough to feel his breath against her face.
She looked at him and finally had the answer to the question she’d been asking herself for days.
This had nothing to do with being lonely in Key West, and it wasn’t gratitude because Jake had helped her or grief because Gloria was gone.
Emma knew the difference now. She wanted him, and although the realization frightened her, it also made her happier than she had been in a long time.
Jake smiled. “Well.”
Emma laughed softly.
“That happened.”
“It did.”
She could hear the nervousness in her own laugh and knew he probably could too.
For another moment neither of them moved. Emma wanted him to kiss her again. She wanted to put her arms around him and stay exactly where she was until she no longer had to think about leaving. Wanting to stay that much was what finally told her she should go.
“I should probably get back.”
Jake’s smile faded a little. “You should?”
“I don’t want to.”
“Then why should you?”
Emma looked at him.
She had spent years making decisions only after she understood every possible consequence, and right now she understood almost none of them.
She had kissed a man whose life had been broken open three years earlier and who had only last night trusted her enough to tell her how.
Her own life was changing faster than she could make sense of it, but more than anything, she knew she needed to leave because she wanted to stay too much.
“I need a little time to catch up with myself.”
Understanding came into his face.
“Okay.”
Emma touched his hand where it rested beside him on the swing. “I’m not running away.”
“I know.”
They stood, and Jake walked her to the gate. Emma was aware of him beside her the entire way. At the car, she turned toward him and had to stop herself from stepping closer.
“Good night, Jake.”
“Good night, Emma.”
She got into the car before she could change her mind.
The smile came somewhere around the corner of Hibiscus Lane and stayed with her all the way back to Winslow’s.
Marisol walked along the garden path with a stack of folded towels against one hip when Emma walked through the gate. She took one look at Emma’s face and stopped.
“No.”
Emma laughed. “I haven’t said anything.”
“You don’t have to.” Marisol shifted the towels to her other arm. “Go to bed. Don’t tell me tonight because if you do, I’ll be awake until two.”
Emma kept walking.
She had almost reached the bungalow when Marisol called after her.
“Tomorrow.”
Emma looked back, but Marisol was already walking away.
Emma went inside and set her bag down. She stood in the quiet room with her fingers against her lips.
She could still feel Jake’s kiss and remember exactly how it had felt to stop thinking for those few seconds and simply want something.
Emma had spent so much of her adult life believing that wanting something wasn’t enough. There had to be a reason, a plan and some assurance that the decision would make sense later.
She didn’t have any of that with Jake. All she knew was that when he touched her cheek, she hadn’t wanted him to stop.
There would be time tomorrow to think about what that meant for Chicago, for Key West and for the life she still hadn’t decided how to live. Tonight, Emma let herself be happy.